Shrek Performance

It is performance review time around here, and well...that just makes me all teary-eyed. Such a glorious, fun-filled time. Oh. I kid. Instead of doing real work, that is stacking and stacking while I type this - I present you with the Shrek version of Effective Phrases for Performance Appraisals.

Choose from the following strengths and areas of development for each employee…


  • Really Tall
  • Has many layers
  • Very creative in his communication strategy – able to be brutally honest with directives to others regardless of the outcome (such as getting eaten by a dragon)
  • Able to ensure cooperation through any means necessary, very adept at modern torture methods
  • Very honest – wears heart on sleeve
  • Unable to lie
  • Expert at licking himself
  • Able to effectively represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
  • Steals from the rich and gives to the poor

Areas of development:

  • Needs to focus on no more itchy butt crack
  • Needs to become more familiar with the “one free grab” policy, and only subjects employees to unwanted physical contact occasionally.
  • Lacks capacity to remain silent
  • Needs to learn to be less ambiguous. Such as in the following example"It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.” Either that, or become a corporate attorney.
  • Still hung up on having been voted “fairest in the land” – needs to branch out more and develop other, newer skills,