No Surprise

Yesterday was not one of the days I would not file under "fun" or "successful" or "ever want to repeat anything remotely close to again". It would be placed under "KILL ME PLEASE" or "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?" or perhaps "Really? REALLY? SERIOUSLY?". Given that, it should have been no surprise that I could not sleep at all. 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am - I watched them all roll by on the clock. I hate that clock. The clock of doom. I think I fell asleep shortly after 4:15...and was up at 6am*

Today is better than yesterday in some ways, and yet WORSE IN OTHERS. How is this even possible? I have an incredible amount of work to do and there is no possible way to get it done in the amount of time needed... this will result in me having to let some things slide and paying for it later. I hate that, but it is what it is. Back when we were working together and I was all stressed out over missing deadlines, Todd always used to ask me "Well, if you can't get it done, what is the worst that can happen?" And I never had a very good answer - one that justified being so effing freaked out over missing a deadline. And believe it or not, when I did prioritize and get done what I could, the world did not in fact...END.

So - given that, why does it still stress me out? What is my issue with realizing that we have to prioritize and sometimes...everything does not get done when it needs to?

* Note to Todd: Sometimes our agreement that I get up when you do just kills me.


Tomorrow is another day...

It is a difficult day, full of responsibility, sadness and chaos. I am glad these kinds of days don't come by very often, and I am anxious for it to be over. I would very much like to wipe the whole day off the books...and it is only now noon. That can't be good, right?



I am sitting outside on the window ledge beside Roark. We have just planted the boy's first ever seeds - lavendar, tiny pumpkins and carrots - and we are waiting for them to grow. Roark flips his head towrd me and points his tiny index finger up in an a-ha type of gesture.

"I know! We can stay out here and wait for the seeds to grow for many days. At night the owls will keep us safe. And the fireflies. Oh! And I can bring my flashlight..."

And we sit. And wait.


Bag of Nothing

I swear I thought of something completely witty to write about while in the shower this morning...and then I came to work and proceeded to get the life kicked out of me...and now I have a big bag of nothin'. So - there ya go.

My mantra: At least I still have a job. At least I still have a job. At least I still have a job...


Red: As Described to the Blind Man

Warm, enveloping, almost hot - like the sun on your face, hazy - like the feeling of cotton swirling around your fingers or gauze rolled between your hands.

More intense, happier, than the blackness that you see with every moment - like the most intimate kiss you have ever received.

Swirling around and around.

Overpowering and pulsating like a beating heart.


My pages, like my mind, are blank. Sort of.

I start to write and then sort of go blank. Well, in all honesty - there is plenty I would like to write about, but I don't feel like I can. It is fantastic to have this outlet, where I can write and share what is going on in my life... I like keeping in touch with friends and family, and even co-workers through this journal, however it leaves me a bit guarded. There are things I would write if I knew nobody was reading that I cannot write now. I suppose this happens to everyone right? It is hard to write about work (can get you fired these days), and definitely taboo to write about personal relations with say, your significant other... and those two things are some of the most important things going on these days. (For those really wondering, work is fine - we are experiencing pay cuts and layoffs and general discontent, but I still have a job today and actually like the people I work with. Todd is fine. We are great in fact. That doesn't cover the details I would LOVE to share, but it will have to do.).

I also cannot really write about Brittany or her relationships...those are her stories to tell. I can say that she seems to be doing better these days. I think she is happy most of the time, although I know that she is still struggling to hold it together. She has a new relationship in the works and I think that makes her happy. She has her friends around and seems to like that... I just don't know though...I am not a very good judge of happy vs. not happy. At least I have not been in the past. I think we see in others what they want us to see and what we want to see. It is hard to take those blinders off.

Cassie is doing OK at college. I think it is harder than she lets on. I think being so far away isn't a problem, but finding out who she is and what she wants and balancing everything is getting to be a huge stress for her.

The boys are typical almost-4-year-olds. They are playing T Ball and soccer and swimming. Nothing new really there... They continue to amaze me in their grasp of humor and sarcasm...a necessary skill in this family.

Last week we were on vacation in Jamaica...which was fantastic. I would have liked less clouds, more sun, and warmer water - but overall it was nice. We had a lot of quiet time - no planned activities, and no work. I would go back in a heartbeat.

That sums it up. Now you see why I don't write more. I think I am going to have to get creative and write about things instead of about me...


I'm Not Tired

Taken exactly TWO minutes after Roark yelled at me "I'm not tired".


Nothing New

Quad Status = healing
Running Status = not considering
Soccer Status = not allowed to even attempt to play until after 3/23

I missed a 10k that we signed up for last weekend, due to the whole sore leg thing.  I am no longer using the crutches or the ridiculous ginormous splint.  I am now just wearing a neoprene sleeve thingy, which helps a lot.  I am annoyed that it still hurts, and is still bruised, but it is a lot better…not swollen at all. 

Cassie comes home this weekend for Spring Break, which is AWESOME for me, most likely disappointing for her.  She had wanted to go somewhere fun with her friends, but most of them backed out.  So, home it is.  The week of the 15th we then go to Montego Bay with Brittany and the boys.  Cassie will be headed back to school, and I can only imagine will be really annoyed with us. 

Work is normal.  Spent some time out of town last week, some good meetings, some pointless mind-numbingly-boring meetings.  Not much else to say about that - and also, my boss reads this…so WORK IS GREAT!