Letters to People at the Gym

To the man on the treadmill in front of me at lunch today: The farts are FOUL! That is not a normal condition – see a doctor about that PRONTO…and until you have fixed your leak, stay the fuck away from the Y and especially me. Seriously dude – that is RANK!!!

To the woman in the dressing room to whom I said “you have gorgeous hair”: I take it back. You ungrateful little, snotty, the-world-loves-me little bitch.

To the man on the treadmill beside me: Yes, I run slow. I am running slower than you. Still am. Still am. STOP LOOKING AT MY SPEED AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

To the man wearing the wife-beater, flirting and getting in everyone’s way: For god’s sake man – put on a real shirt. And go work out, or just go. This is not a bar. It is not happy hour.

To the amazingly HOT man at the counter on my way out: Thank you for being there and being easy on the eyes.