Because I Just Know…

• When I am with you, nothing else matters
• Although never much for physical affection, I seem to be compelled to touch you, hold your hand, be near you all of the time
• Every word you speak has special meaning to me – your praise elevates me and any criticism cuts in a way I would have never anticipated
• I never think about how others’ view you, I simply always feel lucky to be with you
• I feel like I ended up with someone much better than me
• I love sharing things with you – things nobody else knows
• When I think of the perfect day – you are always part of it
• When anything good or bad happens during my day, I HAVE to call you that very moment and tell you about it
• While sharing a life with someone else is always going to be more work than being alone, you make it feel easy
• I know every moment of every day that you love me

When you ask, “How do you know you love me?” the answer is “Because I just know.”

A Little Girl

As I walked toward the hospital I stepped in behind a mother and a little girl going the same direction as me. They were approaching one of the doctor’s buildings. The little girl had arms that could not have been more than a few inches wider than a few of my fingers put together. She was wearing a baseball hat on her obviously bald head. She had trouble walking, as if her joints were not functioning properly, or it was perhaps too painful to walk without a bit of a limp.

We all three got into the elevator together. The little girl grabbed her mom’s hand and smiled up at her. The mom smiled back, reassuring the little girl that everything was ok. My mind began racing… obviously this girl had cancer. She was clearly sick. And I wondered if she would live. I wondered if she knew how sick she was. I wondered how her mother could look at her daughter and do anything but cry – because MY GOD! How could this have happened?

I stepped off the elevator into the 4^th floor, and they followed me. I went up to the reception desk to check in – the sign on the wall read Texas Oncology. I turned to see the little girl and mom walk down the hall toward treatment area where they administer chemotherapy. And I think I almost stopped breathing.

I sat waiting to see my doctor (an oncologist who specializes in hematology), and I was thinking about how the mother and daughter seemed so happy. The little girl seemed so matter-of-fact about everything…because, that…those things that were happening to her… those were her life...they were normal to her. And as I sat there, I tried not to cry for that little girl. And I tried not to cry for myself, thinking that could be MY CHILD. My children are not immune to bad things…there is no guarantee that they will not get deathly ill and I just know I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t get up and face that every day – that horrible, sad, looming cloud – that terrible disease attacking my baby… how does she do it?

These Are The Days

Right now I am sitting in the boys’ room watching them sleep. This might be the most time I have spent with them all week.

I have been so buried in work over the past few weeks that they have developed a Pavlovian reaction to ANY computer or cell phone. They immediately get annoyed and declare “Put that away – it is not safe!” Can you just feel the neglect in the air? Why not go ahead and queue up some Harry Chapin and stab just a little deeper?

Todd is going to be out of town again this week, however I am hopeful that it won’t be as bad as last week. Work seems to have settled a bit for the moment and I anticipate a MUCH more normal amount of pressure from The Man. But if it doesn’t let up, at least he is home Thursday night with no other plans of traveling in the immediate future. Light! At the end of the tunnel!

My plans for the week include working – with a strong focus on spending time with the boys. My evenings are for them, and even if it means I am working well into the wee hours of the morning, I am going to honor that commitment. I am not missing another week of their tiny lives…

Insanity On The Home-Front (AKA - TODD, COME HOME AND FIX THIS)

After yesterday, I was CERTAIN today could not be worse. I even told a co-worker that yesterday had forced me to set my expectations VERY LOW for today – and that as long as one of my kids did not rub a toxic substance all over his body, or I didn’t almost die in my office due to asphyxiation (thank you fucking Expo Whiteboard Cleaner), that I would consider the day a success. I should have knocked wood, thrown salt over my shoulder, crossed my fingers and toes, and perhaps left some rum for Jobu. But I didn’t do any of those things. And so today sucked.

Last night, as is the norm now, I clocked roughly 3 hours of sleep. I then got up at 5:30 so I could get ready, read email, and get the boys up. And then? I had 11 hours of meetings BEFORE DINNER., one meeting after dinner. Oh -and still more yet to go (it is already 10:15pm here). Tell me that is not insane. But duck after you do it, because I will come after you!

On my way home from work (while on a conference call, of course) I had to go to the grocery store…because I have put it off and we needed food. I got home a little before 5, and the house was a MESS. Breakfast dishes with breakfast food on them were still on the counter. Lunch stuff was everywhere. Toys? EVERYWHERE. And the boys? In their room – having not yet even taken a nap. Can you say "madhouse"?

I got the boys up, and asked what had happened. Apparently they had not gotten home from some park until after 1, and then screwed around until after 3 before even attempting napping. I was NOT HAPPY. Faced with two toddlers who had not napped, trying to cook dinner while on a conference call, and then trying to entertain them without them melting down, led me to go a little more crazy than normal. I did not yell at anyone really – just the typical “come here” and “don’t hit your brother” kind of stuff…but it was a rough evening and I was so unhappy with the situation I had come home to.

I don’t know how to deal with it so it doesn’t happen again, but I am going to have to find a way – because I cannot deal with that again. I just can’t. I cannot work all day and then come home to a huge disaster that needs picked up, kids that have not napped, dinner to cook and clean up, children who (Did I mention, they had NOT NAPPED?) need entertained, and then the whole bedtime ritual. It will kill me.

It is days like this that I wish the boys did not stay home but went to daycare instead.

American Idol - you giant time-suck you!

Paula, what in the hell are you wearing? If you move an inch in the wrong direction, your boobs are going to freaking pop out of your dress. Go up a size…at least.

Michael Johns sounded great. David Cook – WTF? I have no idea what he was singing, but I hated it. Christy Lee Somethingrather should go home already. That Carly didn’t sound very good this week, but I loved her hair. Too bad this isn’t America’s Best Hair, because she would have fared better. David Archuleta was just like every other week – sounded good, but it sounds like every other song he has sung. It is like ONE LONG SONG. Every week – more of the same. As for Brooke – it was terrible. I think her days on the show are over.

How I came to spend $10.00 on a cup of coffee I did not even drink:

This morning I had to drop of a movie that the girls rented over the weekend (DO NOT RENT or NETFLIX WRONG TURN 2, DEAD END – No, I didn’t expect it to be good, but I had no idea how horrendous it would really be) and so I stopped in Starbucks and picked up coffee on my way to work ($4 and some change). I then headed to work. When I was almost there, I took a sip, and it tasted and smelled funny - chemically. I could not drink it… But man, I needed some coffee.

I stopped at another Starbucks and ordered the same thing (another $4 and some change) and although it had more of a burnt flavor, it had the same issue. It smelled oddly familiar and FOUL. And then I figured it out – FUCKING EXPO WHITEBOARD CLEANER! I can only imagine that my taste buds and sense of smell was affected by yesterday’s incident – because I did not order FUCKING EXPO WHITEBOARD CLEANER as an extra shot in my damn coffee.

Once I got to work and entered the Office of Doom - destined to forever smell like FUCKING WHITEBOARD CLEANER, I threw away the coffee - and a bottle of water that tasted exactly the same. I may never drink ANYTHING again.

By the way – Roark is fine. He appears to have recovered from the formaldehyde much better than my run in with the FUCKING EXPO WHITEBOARD CLEANER.

I am giving the Caps Lock a run for it's money today. That, and the word FUCK.

***update***

Building services just showed up again. Apparently they spent the evening climbing around in the ceiling checking air vents and ventilation because PEOPLE WERE GETTING SICK from fumes yesterday afternoon. No - I am not kidding. My office still smells funny. The fuzzy head has come back, and I have unloaded a full can of air freshener into the air. My office door is however opened today and I have a fan in here blowing the air up into the ceiling and out the door. I pity the people in cube-land out there, because they are about to get stoned, followed by the worst hangover of their lives. Enjoy the FUCKING EXPO WHITEBOARD CLEANER, ya'll.

Formaldehyde

It has been a hellish day and I have a horrible headache (thank you fucking Expo whiteboard cleaner). I was unable to eat dinner (I blame the fucking Expo whiteboard cleaner) and was just starting to feel like I would no longer hurl at any moment when…

It is 7:15 as we head upstairs. The boys race into my room asking to watch Shrek. I put the movie in and head off to get pajamas and books so that I can get them ready for bed. I come back into the bedroom and Roark is sitting on the floor of the bathroom with Todd’s foot stuff. I grab it from him, and look at the ingredients: formaldehyde. I am not sure what this will do to him, but I grab a washcloth, clean off his foot, yell a little (a lot) and send him to watch Shrek.

About a minute after I grab my computer to find out if his foot is going to fall off, he begins crying that his foot hurts. I try not to lecture him in between my freaking out, but it is difficult. I turn on the tub, take off his pants, and stick his feet under the spray of water. I grab baby soap and wash his feet – not knowing if this is what I should do, but not wanting to wait while his feet fry beneath the freaking chemicals.

I dry off his feet and he seems fine. They do not look red. I continue to tell him to NEVER EVER EVER EVER touch anything anywhere ever again. What in the HELL is that doing on the bedside table anyway??? Jesus CHRIST I am an inept parent!

Perhaps I over-react… but I cannot think of anything else to do. After yelling, yelling some more, and eventual comforting I look into what has happened and the freakout continues. Did he get any on his hands? I do not know. Did he rub his eyes? I look at his eyes, they are red, but he has been crying – due to the whole chemicals-on-the-feet thing and his mother yelling at him. I have no idea if he is ok. His feet look ok. His hands look ok.

I stick all of him in the tub and wash his whole body. Now he is crying because he wants me to leave him the hell alone. I don’t blame him, but don’t want to risk anything bad happening:

* Formaldehyde is an eye, skin, and respiratory tract irritant. Inhalation of vapors can produce narrowing of the bronchi and an accumulation of fluid in the lungs.

* Children may be more susceptible than adults to the respiratory effects of formaldehyde.

* Formaldehyde solution (formalin) causes corrosive injury to the gastrointestinal tract, especially the pharynx, epiglottis, esophagus, and stomach.

* The systemic effects of formaldehyde are due primarily to its metabolic conversion to formate, and may include metabolic acidosis, circulatory shock, respiratory insufficiency, and acute renal failure.

* Formaldehyde is a potent sensitizer and a probable human carcinogen.

Oh crap – did he get any in his mouth? He says no. I stare at him hoping I will see some indication of what harm is done. He looks at me as if I am a crazy loon, which…well, can you blame him?

* There is no antidote for formaldehyde. Treatment consists of supportive measures including decontamination (flushing of skin and eyes with water, gastric lavage, and administration of activated charcoal), administration of supplemental oxygen, intravenous sodium bicarbonate and/or isotonic fluid, and hemodialysis.

It is a 10% solution…Roark seems fine. I think about calling Poison Control (I could mention the fucking Expo whiteboard cleaner while I am at it), paging his doctor, or going to the after hours pediatrician. Over-react much? I sit with him, watching Shrek, expecting CPS to walk in at any minute and take my kids away.

No sign of them yet. My head is hurting again (not sure if it is the fucking Expo whiteboard cleaner, the Formaldehyde fumes, or the trauma of the whole situation - I blame the fucking Expo whiteboard cleaner).

Run Like Hell

Monday did NOT lead to running. It led to carry out from Café Express, sofa-sitting and movie-watching. I like to think that watching I Am Legend burned calories, just by being in suspense…so it evens out, right?

This evening I was not really into the running either. Especially when my husband pointed out that I had recently committed to running several times a week, and had only run once since. I won’t say much about that discussion, but I can say that we won’t be having it again.

So – we did run tonight only because of the GUILT. And although we didn’t run far, it was good. I was just sitting here thinking that I love the endorphins and why, oh why don’t I run more often?

So tomorrow may bring running, or not. The girls are here, so it is hard to squeeze in a run, but perhaps in the morning.

Run like hell and get the agony over with. - Clarence DeMar

Differences and Arguments

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. It doesn’t hurt me a bit if you don’t want them and never have them. What is harmful is bashing those who choose a lifestyle that is different than yours – regardless of the issue at hand. Making fun of people’s life choices and being intentionally hurtful is wrong. It is wrong if you are targeting homosexuals. It is wrong if you are targeting a specific race or religion. It is wrong if you are targeting childfree people. It is wrong if you are targeting parents of premature babies. And it is wrong if the target is people who choose to have children.

I don’t know where all of the ugliness is coming from, but it is out there, and it is cruel, and thoughtless. It is not just the anti-child advocates, but the parents retaliating are guilty as well. I am embarrassed to be part of world where we behave like this...where we can no longer find a civil way to express ourselves and discuss our differences like adults.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace. – Kent Nerburn

Driving and Living

Driving down the road, looking at all of the neon signs, car dealerships, high rise buildings, I begin to wish for the simpler times. I wonder how life in the 1800’s would have differed and how much of my energy would be consumed by frivolous things. There are so many things bidding for our attention, for our money. Everywhere you look there is some ad or store trying to get you to spend some of your time there, some of your money there, some of your energy thinking about them. It seems unfair. Why should I spend even a second glancing at a bulletin board for Harley Davidson Motorcycles, or La Madeline coffee? It seems wrong to use my mental abilities to think about Saab’s or Mustangs, or even boats. I hate that we have so much pressuring us in life – so many things distracting us from just LIVING.