Slow Days

Feeling a bit lonely – melancholy. Should be working on work-stuff, go jogging or clean out my closet, but don’t have the motivation to do much. I am tired. Not tired-tired…just lazy tired. Todd is out of town and that makes me sad. The girls are not here and that makes me sad. The boys are napping, which is a happy thing, but it makes it way too quiet in the house. I know that if I just get outside and run I will feel SO MUCH BETTER and yet…I keep putting it off. “I will go tonight after the boys are asleep” I tell myself, not entirely sure I will follow through. At least that allows me to put it out of my head.

Since being home from the hospital, I have been trying to get my footing. I have been trying to get back to normal, although I am not sure what normal is. I just feel so run down and I think a lot of it is “in my head” as opposed to physically not feeling well. Sometimes I think I am pushing myself too hard – but how can that be? I have been infection-free since the middle of August. It has to be time to feel all better. I keep remembering the doctors all telling me that it would be a long time until I was 100% - up to a year. I didn’t believe them then, and I suppose I really don’t now. I am so hard on myself and don’t know how to change that. Lazy feels wrong.

I went back and re-read the entries I wrote when I was sick. Holy hell I was sick. I need to give myself a break already.