Do you own “the perfect jeans”? Do you recall the horrific process of finding those perfect jeans? Do you remember going from store to store, trying on pants ranging in price from $20.00 to $160.00 – trying to see the freaking difference? Was your butt too big for that pair, or your legs too long? Did you wish to GOD that they didn’t make the rise so low that half of your middle hung over the waist-line? Did you start to absolutely HATE everything about your body as you stared at it under the terrible florescent lights in the too tiny dressing room. Were you certain that they were using circus glass and that there was no way you could possibly be so large? Did you then watch every person for the next two weeks wondering if you were fatter than them?

I have been looking for the perfect jeans for weeks. Weeks I tell you. Damn jeans. Damn body. Damn, damn, damn. I have tried expensive jeans, cheap jeans, long – short – cropped – faded – flared – boot legged… I have had every designers wares on my body and I have to tell you this: my body looks horrible in jeans. Period. Seriously – horrible. I thought that maybe I was trying the wrong styles, or wrong size, or wrong designer…however I am here to tell you that I have had on every pair of jeans in the DFW metroplex and they all suck ass. Unfortunately they don’t suck my ass – it is still as big as ever – and it looks bad in jeans. I hate my post-pregnancy body. Hate. It.

I did finally find a pair of Levis and a pair of Calvin Klein jeans that didn’t make me immediately hurl – and they are two sizes smaller than the ones I bought after having the babies. So I am in an 8, which makes me happy…but there is no muscle in my body – my hips are ginormous and my butt is bigger than Rhode Island. And it is all so flabby…soooo flabby. Lets all hail the flabby lower half of me! Yikes. And – do you want to know how much I spent on said jeans? $14.99 and $16.99 on clearance…GO ME!