Pictures

Today I went through all of our old pictures from various boxes, bags, and drawers stored throughout the house. My goal was to weed out the double-prints, stupid pictures, blurry pictures, etc. and put the rest of them in albums so that they would not get lost or destroyed. I cannot believe how long it took.

I have a lot of pictures from when I was married to my daughter’s dad that I did not know what to do with. They represent a part of my life, of their lives, and I didn’t want to get rid of them, and yet at the same time felt funny putting them in our albums. I ended up putting them in a ziplock back to be transferred to a picture box with all of the duplicates that I didn’t put in the albums. What would you have done with them? I thought it would be hard for my husband to see them – to have to look at them mixed in with all of our pictures. But more than that, I guess I just don’t want to be reminded of that life every time I pulled out the pictures. Is that bad?

My husband told me to keep them so that the girls’ could have them and do what they want with them – put them in their rooms or in albums – since they are a large part of their lives. I think that was a good idea. So for now they are in storage just waiting for the girls to decide what they want to do with them.

It is always so nostalgic looking at pictures from long ago. Many of them 10-14 years old – from when my daughters were born and in their very early years – you know…the times when we took LOTS of pictures very regularly. I noticed some huge gaps – years at a time when I didn’t take (or maybe didn’t save) any pictures and it makes me sad. I hope that I learn from this and stop slacking off…but I know that we will get busy and forget the camera when we are busy.

I am going to try to set a goal to take pictures once a week. I don’t want to miss documenting any more of my children’s lives – not when I have days like today where looking at how they have grown and changed is so rewarding.

Dr. Doolittle

Our animals have it SO easy.

They get up when they want to. They eat when they want to. They play when they want to. They sleep when they want to.

Right now one of the cats is purring away in the gameroom while looking out the window. The other is laying beside me trying to distract me from the computer so that I will pay attention to her. One dog is laying on the leather footstool (hanging off on all four sides because he is so honkin' huge) and the other is laying in the backyard waiting for basket-ball boy to come up the alley so that he run around the yard like a maniac barking at him.

They have zero responsibility and are only here to be happy and get attention. I wonder if pets are a step ahead of us or behind us in the re-incarnation chain. I would guess they are of a higher life form and are being rewarded… well, I think that until I see them eating bugs, and dead birds, and licking their own butts… then I have to second-guess myself.

And no, I don’t really believe in re-incarnation…at least I don’t think so.

This won't be so bad.

Today was my last day of work. For a long time. I won’t be going back until September, and it really doesn’t feel real. I am sitting at home wondering how I am going to stay occupied and entertained when I am not spending all day trying to avoid work. We have a lot to do in order to get our house ready to sell, but I am not supposed to be doing any of it. I am supposed to be taking it easy being lazy. I don’t know how to be lazy on purpose…I am only lazy when avoiding things I should be doing. I have decided to clean one room a day in the house. That will have our whole house cleaned every two weeks. I prefer a maid, but I also prefer not to pay one.

I am now almost 6 months pregnant. This is hard for me to believe. I never imagined I would make it this far – certainly not while still being at home. I assumed I would be on bed-rest or in the hospital by now, if not already done being pregnant. I am VERY lucky with this pregnancy (knock on wood) so far. I have so much to be thankful for right now.

It is nice to be home in a way. I can hear my husband working in his office, see him during the day…go to lunch with him. I can take my girls to the doctor or stay with them when they are sick. I can take the dogs for a walk during the day, or hang out with them in the back yard. I can read as much as I want and I can even lay in bed all day long if I feel like it – maybe, just maybe this won’t be so bad.

It Sucks

This will sound odd. I know this because it feels odd to think about, to write about. However, I read a lot infertility blogs. When I was considering IVF and going through the process I did quite a bit of reading, and the best information came from online journals… the women going through infertility and IVF were my best source of information and support. I am not infertile, I simply have horrible pregnancy issues and therefore a long time ago, when I was told I would never again carry a child to term, I had a tubal ligation. It seemed the best option to avoid a miscarriage – a miscarriage that was a result of my body not being able to carry to term, not due to problems with the poor innocent child inside me. I felt justified in my decision.

14 years later technology had changed. A lot. I could very likely carry close to term with help. IVF was happening all around me, and with fairly good success in some people. And, although insanely expensive, it could allow my new husband and I an opportunity to have a child together. I bit.

This leads me to the point of this rambling. I became involved with all of these infertile folks – essentially just through reading journals, but we all know how close we can feel to folks when we are really only reading (strange isn’t it?) And now, I am pregnant – and I just don’t fit. And it is sad. I know that online is not real life. I am not totally delusional. But I also know that I don’t have many real life close friends, so there is some comfort, some escape in the online community. Pathetic? Maybe. But it works for me.

I know that there are fantastic people out there who went through infertility and some that still are - and they are always caring and open and receptive to my comments and assvice. But I just don't always feel at home there...does that make sense?

This leads to a dilemma doesn’t it? I am not infertile. I am not even trying to get pregnant. I am WAY pregnant and most likely going to have healthy close to term babies. I suppose I need to find a community that supports my current state, but that is like moving across the country, going to a new school, and having to make new friends. It sucks.

I am so mad!!!!!!

This was my maternity leave plan:

Find replacement for when I am out – CHECK

Create transition plan – CHECK

Create financials plan – CHECK

Have replacement assist with March close so that they would know how to do April and on – NOPE

Train replacement for two weeks having them shadow me in my job – NOT A CHANCE

Shadow replacement for final week answering questions and assisting where needed – YEAH, RIGHT


See, my replacement just won’t make time to go over anything with me. This person has been unavailable for the past two weeks and now on my last week still has no time to learn how to do the job they are about to get. Needless to say, I am not very happy. Not at all. And, if I get pulled out on leave tomorrow at my appointment, they are going to be screwed. No help. And – I won’t feel bad for them either. I have done everything in my power to teach them this job, and they won’t spend any time on it.

So – on a call today where we review planned expenditures – a call where this replacement was supposed to be doing the reviewing, but didn’t show up – I stated that if they don't show up, they are all going to be left without financial approval. Guess what happened? One of the idiot men accused me of being upset because I am hormonal. That is right. I am not upset because I am trying to do a proper turnover and ensure that my financials and employees are not left unattended…I am simply mad because of hormones. Bastard! I was so mad, that I wanted to rip his head off and run over it with my car – several times. I am still mad about it.

I have spent months getting ready for this leave, choosing a replacement, planning everything, documenting everything, informing everyone – spending so much time on these things to make the replacement’s life easier…and it apparently was useless. And, I am pretty mad about it. Can you tell?

AUSTIN

So Austin. We are moving to Austin. We are putting our house up for sale as soon as the babies are born, and are going to be showing our house with newborns in it. We – are insane.

But Austin! I am so excited about moving. Sad I won’t see my girls during the week, but excited to be moving. We have been looking at houses and ranches and places with LOTS of land. Ideally we would like at least 5 acres either south or west of Austin, with a 4 or 5 bedroom home and a built-in pool.

What we are going to end up with:

1) .0001 acres in the city with 5 bedrooms and we will have to build a pool (poor doggies, no room to play)

2) 1 acre north of town with a 4 bedroom home in an over-populated area forcing us to take I35 to work every day adding 14 hours to our commute

3) 2 acres in Wimberley, 4 bedroom home, 200,000 more than we want to pay

4) 5 acres in Leander, 3 or 4 bedroom home, barely livable, horse stables, and lots of dirt and trees

Sadly, number 4 sounds the best to me. We talked about it and thought that a house that we can either fix up, build onto, or tear down and replace over time might be our best option if it comes with land. We will most likely have to have a pool built which can be pretty expensive there because of all the limestone – but if we finance it with the house maybe it won’t seem so bad.

If we end up in the city, it will be short term – maybe 5 years until the boys are ready for school – then we can move to somewhere further out and maybe, just *maybe* we can afford what we really want. Right now we have school debt, credit card debt, house debt, car debt… so much debt. I will be happy if we can afford ANYTHING. But – AUSTIN….YEAH!!!

What I am doing here...

So what am I thinking about these days?

• I am eagerly counting the days until I go on maternity leave (T-6 and counting).
• I am looking online at houses in Austin so that we have some ideas for our house-hunting trip in a few weeks.
• I am trying to think about all of the things we have to do to our house before we can put it up for sale.
• I am looking at my husband and wondering how we will be when there are two tiny babies taking up all of our time.
• I am missing the close physical relationship we had to put on hold when I became pregnant…thinking how long it will be until we are back to that again.
• I am thinking about what it will be like to have two newborn babies and a house on the market at the same time.
• I am wishing I had more energy to keep the house clean.
• I am missing my girls every day that they are not with me.
• I am missing them now for the times in the future when I will not see them during the week anymore because we are moving.
• I am looking at our back yard and thinking that it needs serious help…and no, I am not doing anything about it.
• I am wishing I was allowed to work out like I used to – I miss that tired-because-you-worked-hard feeling.
• I am thinking about how exciting my new job will be, and how amazed I am that I was offered it.
• I am doing everything I can to avoid all work-related issues in hopes that they will remain at bay until I am gone and don’t have to do a thing with them.
• I am considering dinner options during the day only to order out for pizza when dinner time arrives.
• I am eating HORRIBLY and wondering why I am gaining so much weight during this pregnancy – DUH!
• I am reading more than I used to.
• I am laying awake most nights unable to sleep more than 15 minutes straight.
• I am walking around in a daze and a very grumpy mood during the day – due to not sleeping at night.
• I am trying to nap, only to find that I Just. Can’t. Sleep.
• I am wondering how I will occupy my time in 6 days when I am no longer working. Most of my time now is spent avoiding work… once it is not there to avoid, what will I do?
• I am looking at all the baby stuff and thinking “I should wash all of that and start to get things ready in case I am hospitalized early”. But am I doing anything about it? Hell no.
• I am reading other pregnancy blogs and looking at belly pictures…comparing the sizes – and I have no idea why.
• I am feeling my babies grow and move and stretch inside me and constantly thinking how freaky it is to be making babies. Inside me. Holy shit!
• I am watching my old wonderful figure disappear with each piece of junk I eat.
• I am trying to walk some every day, only to have each little expedition end in contractions and frustration.
• I am wondering why I was so intent on going through this whole pregnancy thing again…dear god, do I remember nothing about how hard this was before?
• I am feeling no motivation to do much but enough boredom to wish I were doing something.
• I am playing Fantasty Baseball for the first time ever and not doing very well.
• I am going to my daughters soccer games and marveling at how much she has changed over the past two years, and how grown up she is now.
• I am listening to my other daughter talk about boys and growing up and wondering how my mother viewed me at this age.
• I am thinking about the fact that my older daughter is going to be driving this summer and wondering how she grew up so fast.
• I am looking at college information coming in the mail for the girls and thinking how sad it is going to be when they go away to school.
• I am thinking about babies, babies, babies, babies – pretty much all the time.

Disability while working...

2 more weeks of work, and I now have found a new job…one I am excited about…figures.

I was sent an internal job posting from an old boss that was PERFECT for me. I responded to it, telling the hiring person that I am about to go on leave so I was not sure how that would work out – and included my unbelievably fantastic resume (yeah, I wrote it myself). And do you know what? After one conversation with the man, they want me. They want me in spite of my going on leave until September. I wonder if they looked at a calendar. 5 months they are willing to wait. They are going to have someone else do the job in the interim, and then oust him when I come back…amazing. I hate to tell them that I am not that good – but then the whole “great resume scam” and “impressive, useless interview skills” will be out. But, I also agreed to read email and attend meetings when I can via conference call. I am a sucker…

Big Boys

Just back from my Peri appointment. Everything is FANTASTIC. All the contracting and ickiness has amounted to nothing. Boys are both 1 pound 2 oz, measuring almost a week ahead. They are on some growth chart right in the middle for their age...which we are assuming is GREAT news. They have all the right body parts - or so we were told. To me, the sonogram is a funny, mysterious thing. The tech swears she is looking at a kidney, or the brain and all I see is fuzz. Gray and white fuzz. I see no way telling the difference between most of the body parts. I told the tech that I felt like we were in modern art class... and I believed it.

Both boys are still - boys. So that is good. No gender operations have taken place while we were not watching. They are constantly kicking each other in the heads, which is a riot. My husband swears this is the beginning of the fighting that we will surely see more of. Think so? Yikes.

Other than that everything is fantastic. The doctor said that things look like we are not going to have problems - odds are in our favor based on all he is seeing...different kind of pregnancy for me!

No Big Deal

I have googled to my heart’s content.

I have spoken with an OBGYN specialist.

I have talked to my regular doctor.

I have talked to the nursing specialist at my insurance company.

The verdict on the Estrogen fuck-up? No big deal.


Whew! They feel that because I am already so far along, and the babies’ organs are all developed, and the fact that they are boys and not girls, that all will be fine. See – all that worrying for nothing.

What did I tell you?