A Letter To My Dogs

Dear Shiner and Zieggy,

Why do you insist on playing in the mud and then sneaking in the house, only to leave huge muddy dog prints on our carpet? Is this a game that the two of you enjoy playing? Do you like to see me turn purple and yell? Do tell me, is it your love for the carpet shampoo machine that causes such behavior?

I must tell you that this little game is getting old. I don't want to play anymore. So STOP! No more of the muddy dog feet. No more of the digging in the fire ant piles. No more trampling the grass. And no more chasing each other through the house. We will have no fun here anymore.

New rules for the dogs:

• Wipe feet before entering the house
• Tread softly on all grass
• Go to the bathroom like we do - and flush
• Don't forget to wipe
• No running in the house
• No playing in the rain
• Stay inside unless you are pulling weeds or trimming the bushes
• Pull weeds and trim the bushes
• Take yourselves for walks
• Zieggy: learn to throw the ball for Shiner
• Shiner: Don't let Zieggy attack other dogs. Or People. Especially Basketball Boy.
• Zieggy: Stop trying to kill Basketball Boy. He is after all only a boy.
• Learn to fill up your own water bowl
• Please get rid of the cats

Growing Old

You can understand and relate to most people better if you look at them -- no matter how old or impressive they may be -- as if they are children. For most of us never really grow up or mature all that much -- we simply grow taller. O, to be sure, we laugh less and play less and wear uncomfortable disguises like adults, but beneath the costume is the child we always are, whose needs are simple, whose daily life is still best described by fairy tales. -Leo Rosten

My husband and I woke up this morning, excited about going to get decaffeinated coffee. Did you catch that? We were EXCITED about decaffeinated coffee. And we were, at the very same time, shocked at our excitement. When did we pass from the two people who would stay out late drinking until the wee hours of the morning into two people who think that 10:30 is pushing the bedtime limits? When did passage into middle-age occur? Nobody warned me it was coming…and yet – here it is.

After spending the day at a soccer tournament for our oldest daughter, we are now spent. Tired. Worn out. And we were not even playing. We still have our sense of humor and at least we can laugh at ourselves…but we are stunned at how easy it was to settle into this life of ours. We love our coffee, our books, our nights at home watching movies. We love our kids, our dogs (and even sometimes – our cats.) We love hanging out in the neighborhood. We enjoy our anti-social lives. We like sailing, spending time in the sun and wind. We seem to have adapted very easily to what we used to title “the boring life” and it now seems plenty full of action and demands.

We are getting older, and we like it. Is that bad?

National Lampoon's Vacation

When I was maybe 8 or 9 years old, my mom, brother and I went on a month long vacation. We drove up to new york, and starting at Niagra Falls, drove down the east Coast to North Carolina. I don't know what possessed my mother to take two kids under 12 on this trip - she must have been clinically insane.

We climbed up the rocks at the Falls. We went to Jellystone National Park and saw Yogi Bear. We went to King's Island (amusement park). We spent ENDLESS hours in the car. ENDLESS. HOURS. LONG, BORING, bad-song-singing hours. We also got into quite a few fights. Some between me and my brother. Some involved all of us.

My brother and I thought it was fun to hold up a sheet, with the windows barely opened. We would let the sheet fill up with air and it would consume the car like a giant balloon. My mother couldn't see and would yell at us to put it away. Sometimes we listened to her. We would also take a kleenex, hold it out the window and wait for a car to come up behind us. When one would get close, we would let go of the kleenex and hope that it would stick to the other car's windshield. What fun we had.

One time after a particularly bad kleenex incident involving a police man and my mother getting a written warning for littering, we were warned to sit still and look out the window. We were barely permitted to breathe. So there we sat. Looking out the window. At nothing. Grass, farms, trees, cars, cows. Wait! Cows. There were two cows. In the field. Fucking. I kid you not. I went crazy - I thought they were fighting. My brother filled me in on what they were really doing...and my mother never again told us to look out the window. Cows. Funny.

We are once again off on a vacation. This time it will be just me and my husband. Key West, here we come!

Lupron High

Well, I have started the injection drugs for IVF. The Lupron? No big deal. I have to say that I was a little creeped out the first night - not knowing what to expect made it difficult to do, but once I made it through that first shot, I am no longer scared of it. I even did the second one in my stomach instead of my leg. It only burns for a little while after the shot. The only down-side I have seen so far is the headache that sets in a few hours after the shot. It feels like someone has hit the back of my head with a 2x4. Not much fun, but not all that bad considering I can just sleep it off.

Next step is more blood work on November 2nd, followed by a sonogram on the 4th - and then I start stims - I think these are the drugs that will make all of the eggs. I have heard about some bad side effects from the next round of drugs, but I am still not scared of them. The only ones I am dreading are the progesterone shots that begin later in November.

I worry about how much this is taking over my thoughts. My youngest daughter must be worried too. Earlier today she asked me if I was going to be really, really upset if this didn't work. She said that she doesn't want me to be disappointed. She is 13! I was pretty surprised to hear her sounding like such an adult. I thought about how I will feel if this doesn't work...if the first IVF doesn't end up successful...if there are no eggs to freeze, or the frozen transfer doesn't work - and we walk away as my husband and I agreed to before starting this... I will feel like we tried. We gave it our best shot and it wasn't meant to be. And then I will move on with my life. I hope that is not too hard to do. It is difficult to make a committment like this - one to have another child - and then have to let it go.

Sailing

I Will Love You Forever

Take Me Away

Journal Prompt Hell

This is a list of potential things to write about – for a child in 3^rd grade…thought it would be funny to take a shot at it. Underlined sections are my input to the suggested writing prompts.

1. Hello. My name is Not something I am going to write here. I am now in NO grade. Today is the first day of school. Last year I learned how to travel a lot and almost stay sane. This year I want to learn how to not travel at all. I really like to complain. All the time. My favorite subject is anything someone will listen to…but it usually has to do with me. A subject I don't like is talking about my girls’ father. I hope to improve in the kind of parent I am. Something my teacher should know about me is a very odd thing to think about. If I change teacher to “someone I don’t know” then I would say that the thing some person should know about me is that I really, really, really love my children and my husband, and my goal in this life is to not hurt them in any way.

2. My list of things that interest me

Sailboats

Gardens

Dogs

Camping / Hiking

Running

3. Choose any item from the above list and write about it.

No

4. Goals for the year

Well, last year my goals were to swear less (hell yeah), get up at 5:30 every morning (what was I thinking?), spend more time with my girls (check), and read more (check). For this next year I would like to swear less (hell yes), have a baby, spend even more time with my girls – and husband, and work in the yard more…as well as stay in shape.

5. Why it's great to be a kid of ___ parents' names

My mom is dead, my dad is an ass – I won’t even go there.

6. All about baby-sitters

See this post: and this one. Nuff said.

7. How old I'd like to be and why

I like being 37. Life is good. I am happy… I don’t want to go back in time, and I don’t want to be older without being forced to go there - so 37 is a good age.

8. All about my teacher

See this entry.

9. All about Mom

My mom would have to be the person in the world I have been closest to - next to my husband. She raised my brother and I all by herself, and work all the time just so that we could grow up and be normal snotty kids. I miss you mom.

10. All about Dad

He is an asshat. Never speak of him again.

11. School days

I liked school most of the time. There were a few years I hated, like in 7^th grade at Brown Middle School. The place where we all feared for our lives. I was so scared of that place that I volunteered to work in the lunchroom so that I
wouldn’t have to go outside with the thugs at recess.

12. After school

My brother and I would stay by ourselves after school. Especially after a few very bad episodes with babysitters

13. Weekends

I would talk on the phone or spend the night at a friend’s house – from about 10 years old until I moved out at 20.

14. What I do well

Procrastinate. Well, that and pretty much any job I have ever had. Except that two week stint at McDonalds Junior year. That blew chunks.

15. Dear Mom and Dad, About my report card. . .

I am the greatest child you could ever want. Count the A’s – go ahead and try. Want to use my calculator to add them all up????

16. If I could spend an hour with (Former) President Clinton, here are some questions that I'd like to ask him.

What were you thinking?

17. Usually a day in October is designated as National Grouch Day. These are things that make ME grouchy.

Not enough sleep. Being told I am wrong (even if it is true). Being made to do someone else’s work and getting no credit for it. Working for the monetary equivalent of pond-scum.

18. Someone I'll never forget

The baby sitter when I was 5 that locked me in her basement and told me the boogy man was going to get me. I hate you, you bitch.

19. A good movie I've seen

There are so many. Every day I think of several that I claim to be my favorite. I like When Harry Met Sally, Goodwill
Hunting, Better Off Dead, American Beauty, Traffic, Mystery Alaska, Grand Canyon, The Seventh Sign, Seven, Shrek…. Yes, I can go on with this ALL DAY.

20. Ten things I want to accomplish by time I'm 40 years old

Oh dear god – that is in like, 3 years! I have more than 10…but I would have to say in 10 years...before I am 50: I want to have another child, watch mine learn to drive, go to college, maybe get married. I want to get a new job that I love, maybe finish college, build a sailboat. I want to move to Austin, have a house built in the country, get horses. I would love to go to Mexico and the Dominican Republic. I want to own my own business, pay off debt, start saving money. I want to be a better person, better mother, better wife. I want to write a book, contribute to a magazine, and publish photography. I want to be smarter, wiser, nicer…

21. America's greatest athlete

Lance Armstrong

22. America's greatest actor/actress

I am a fan of Renee Zellweger, Tom Hanks, Andy Garcia, Clint Eastwood, Steve Martin – many of them are quite good in different films.

23. The most important invention of all times

The toilet

24. Ten things that make me happy

Dogs, sunshine, summer, my girls, my husband, Texas, vacations, Halloween, 4^th of July, coffee.

25. Ten things that make me cry

Depends on the time of the month… could be anything. My mom, cancer, loss of family members, when my children are hurting, when I miss my girls, when I hurt someone I love

26. Getting up in the morning

Makes me grumpy.

27. All about our school principal/director

I will use My Boss. And since I don’t talk about work here as I said earlier, I won’t tell you that I hate him.

28. All about our school headmaster/superintendent

I will use my boss’s boss. See above.

29. My favorite month of the year

June – summer and my wedding anniversary.

30. Holiday vacation

Halloween…just for kids and always fun.

3l. A list of my favorite foods

Pasta, pizza, coffee, alcohol.

32. A list of my favorite TV programs

I tend to watch a series on DVD rather than on TV – but I like Alias, Scrubs, Northern Exposure (yes, I know it is old). I liked the first two seasons of 24. I am addicted to Fear Factor (shut up – I like watching people eat bugs)

33. My list of things I'll NEVER do

It is dangerous to say you will NEVER do anything – because Murphy will stick you in a position where you have no choice but to do it – and you end up looking like an ass.

34. My list of 10 things that should be changed

No taxes for me (screw the rest of you). Equal custody should mean equal visitation. More humane way of issuing the death penalty. Allow people to ask to be put to sleep when they are tired of living. All companies have to fund ongoing education for their employees. Overtime for salaried employees should be against the law. Less traffic in my town. Carbs should not be bad for you – and should HELP you lose weight. Alcohol should be like vitamins – encouraged and sold everywhere. Fat should be the preferred way to look. Exercise should be banned.

35. My list of things I just don't understand

I don’t understand lots of things – most of them are political in nature. I tend to get so far behind in a subject that I never quite figure out what is going on in the world.

36. My list of things I'll never forget

More fun is my list of things I always forget – and then wish I had them with me…such as my keys when I am getting ready to leave. My wallet, when I am checking out at the store. My badge when I am going to work out. My ID when I am going to work. My laptop cord when I am going to work from home. My cell phone when I am leaving the house. My keys when I shut the car door….

37. My list of things that everyone should try at least once

Joining the Mile High Club. Camping. Boating.

38. I wish . . .

For everyone to be as lucky as I have been in life. I wish for all people who want kids (and will try to love them to the
best of their ability) - to be able to have them. For all children to be loved. To be remembered fondly when I die. To do something great in my lifetime. To witness a miracle. To help my community. To be a good person.

39. My list of 10 crazy reasons I didn't do my homework

I never used these, but like them: I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. My dog ate it. My cat ate it. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload. I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked. The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box. I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

40. My reasons that everyone should have a pet

You can blame smelly farts on them. They are nicer than people. The always love you.

41. My list of the most important reasons for going to school

To get a better job. To make more money. To meet new people. To be smarter.

42. All about my first day in kindergarten or preschool

I don’t remember my first day in kindergarten – but I remember one time when a friend of mine stapled her finger to her paper.

43. My holiday wish list

A pony, a baby, a silver diamond solitaire necklace, books, DVDs, running shorts and shirts (T shirts), music, leather coat.

44. My list of things worth saving

Anything my husband or children have ever given me. Magazine article covering our wedding. Pictures from years gone by. My piano.

45. 10 people I'd like to meet

(some are no longer alive) George Sheehan, my biological parents, God, Einstein, Bill Bryson, Charlie Manson, Bill Gates before he became rich.

46. 10 people I would NOT like to meet

Clinton, my dad, Lucifer (if he is real), any serial killer out on the streets, myself as a 15 year old teenager - dear god I was a mess, a very mad bear, any racist, a pack of wild wolves, my biological parents (yes, I am conflicted), myself at the end of my life - having accomplished nothing

47. Field trips

Any bar. The Zoo. Art museums. Marinas.

48. Hints on how to get good grades

Study for Christ sake. That, or cheat. They would both work.

49. Predictions for the future

Work will always be less fun than not working. Politics will remain confusing. Florida voters will always be stupid. Dogs will never rule the world. Cats do not and will never rule either. The mail will never be on time.

50. What I do when I'm bored

Surf online.

51. My favorite holiday

Halloween or 4^th of July.

52. How I feel about my name

Hate it.

53. A planet I might like to visit

Have no interest in leaving Earth.

54. Dad's angry. Here are five reasons why

Who cares?

55. If I could plan a dinner menu, this is what I'd like to have

Stuffed artichokes, spinach stuffed chicken, salad.

56. Things that scare me

The unknown. Failure.

57. Dreams

Everybody should have them.

58. Complaints

I should do less of this. If you have any about me, I don’t care.

59. Jokes

We can never have enough jokes. LEAVE YOUR FAVORITE FOR ME TO READ PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

60. I could never live without . . .

My husband.

6l. TV or radio commercials that I like

I don’t – they are a waste of my time.

62. TV or radio commercials that I dislike

All of them.

63. I look forward to . . .

Vacations, date night, days with my girls.

64. I admire people who . . .

Have no regrets, and those that can put up with me.

65. The best thing that happened recently is . . .

I finally am out of my funk and appreciate the life I have.

66. Things that make me laugh

Great jokes. SEND ME SOME.

67. What makes me special or unique

My name. My crazy love for something one moment and hate the next…for instance, vegetarian to Atkins lover
within days.

68. The 10 commandments for my husband or wife

Thou shalt love thy wife no matter what

Thou shalt always have date night

Never under any circumstances say mean things

Thy wife is always right

Thou shalt never think your wife is fat

Or bitchy

Thou shalt buy her flowers. A lot.

Thou shalt LOVE her cooking

And think her ideas are fantastic

And always agree that pedicures are necessary

69. This story in the news concerns me the most

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2004-10/21/content_2121232.htm

70. Things that are valuable or precious to me

Picture of my mother, my girls’ baby pictures, my wedding pictures, my wedding ring, husband, girls, pets, health of
my loved ones.

71. My favorite vacation

Either the trip we took to St. Croix with the girls or my honeymoon in Greece.

72. The most interesting sporting event I've seen

NOT curling. Or Cricket.

73. The best thing I've ever found

My sanity - about a month ago.

4. My favorite relative

I have NONE on my side...but I love my husband's mom and dad.

75. Sometimes I like to be alone

More often than most people I think.

76. If I were in charge of peace

I would give it a chance?

77. If I had a million dollars

I would buy you a monkey – you always wanted a monkey.

78. If I had magical powers

I would make everyone in the world content.

79. If I were the teacher of this class

OK – don’t know what to do with this one. Send everyone home early?

80. A place I'd like to live

In the woods, far far away from people. That – or Austin

81. A list of my favorite books

Atlas Shrugged. The Fountainhead. Anything by George Sheehan. Anything by Robert Fulghum. Anything by Bill Bryson.

82. My list of movies to avoid

The Thin Red Line, Taxi Driver, Snow Falling on Cedars, Four Rooms

83. Ten book characters to invite to a party

Dracula, Charlotte (from Charlottes web), The Mad Hatter, The Scarecrow, Babe (the Blue Ox), Frodo, Harry Potter,
Christopher John Francis Boone from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, John Gault, Jesus

84. The best parts of going to this school are . . .

I will assume we mean my work…and there is nothing good about it – except that I DO get paid…

85. Pet peeves

Adults that talk like children, fighting without cause, people that don’t know what they believe in, yelling at children.

86. Things that drive me batty

Stupid people

87. Things I'll do when I'm 16 years old

Been there, don’t want to go back. Things I did do at 16: Broke my arm, skipped school and went to the beach, got my first real job, drank coffee for the first time, babysat overnight for my godparents

88. Don't you just love it when . . .

I update?

89. Don't you just hate it when . . .

I don’t?

90. When I'm a parent I will/will not let my child . . .

I don’t let my children put down any race, religion, or group of people. Ever.

91. All about Halloween

FUN FUN FUN – candy, kids, cute kids, late nights, scary movies, decorations, parties, chocolate

92. The best Halloween was . . .

My oldest daughter’s first… we dressed her up as a dalmation and took her to the neighbors for candy…so fun.

93. All about Christmas/Hannukkah

I hate Christmas. I don’t know anything about Hanukkah but imagine I would feel the same about it – too commercialized.

94. I am thankful for these hands that hold . . .

The ability to shape my children’s future. The ability to hold their hand, wipe the hair from their eyes, help them with their homework… cook them dinner, and hug them tight.

95. These feet have been to so many places

And they are tired.

96. My heart belongs to

My family.

97. "Itis" sufferers:

I have no itis.
Except maybe workitis.

98. I wish my mom would . . .

Be alive again.

99. I wish my dad would . . .

I really wish nothing about him. Ever.

100. Why are you lucky?

I am lucky to have a family that loves me

101. Commands from Mom and Dad (to my girls)

Pick up your room. Do your chores. Be nice to your sister. Do NOT talk back. Do what your dad says – unless you don’t feel like it. If your step-mom tells you to do something, do whatever you want. Study hard. Have fun.

102. Someday . . .

I will grow up.

103. If I could go back in time . . .

I wouldn’t

104. Things might be different in the year 2020. . .

Or they may be the same ol’ shit.

105. My dreams for America

That we don’t fuck up the world so much that there isn’t much of our country left.

106. Happy memories

Are those made with people you love.

107. My old teddy bear (or any stuffed animal)

Was Wesley the Weasle. He was pink. I still have him. He has been through a lot over the years.

108. How to survive in school

Don’t pick fights. Make a few good friends. Learn from the good teachers.

109. Talking on the telephone

Should not be your main goal in life.

110. Year end thoughts

Damn – this last year was hard.

111. Slight irritations

People coming to the door, or calling for money

112. New Year's Resolutions

Make next year better. And everything in # 4

113. Advice for younger students

Be cool – stay in school. If your parents are paying for college, by all means, go!

114. "Why" list

Why are people such bad drivers? Why do dog farts smell so bad? Why is work never fun? Why is it so hard to be a grown up? Why is money such a big deal? Why do people feel sad? Why is our government such a farce? Why is there poverty? Why are people lazy? Why are we mean sometimes?

115. The best things in life are . . .

…just waiting for you to discover them

116. I am smiling today 'cuz . . .

Every day with my husband gets better and better…and it is almost Friday – and after that – VACATION!!! Oh yeah
baby…vacation.

117. It's a new semester! I will . . ., I will not. . .

I will wish I were in school, but I will not actually be there yet – too expensive and no time.

Our Little Crack Baby

Many of our conversations drift to babies. It is my fault. It is filling my mind. Babies, babies, babies. Must. Have. Baby. Yesterday, we were in the car going to pick up the girls (take note - they were not with us YET - which makes this conversation a tiny bit less sick and twisted than if they were in the car) and ended up talking about a T-shirt site a friend sent me.

One of my favorite T's is : PLAYGROUND PIMP Your baby is the baddest ass in the sandbox...get him this baby t-shirt and he'll be pulling all the baby bitches

God I love the good, clean humor!

"ooooh - we should get one that says "Crack Baby"

"Well, that would be enterprising. Our baby would be a bad ass. He would walk around selling crack to all his baby friends - so it is not like he would be a user...just a pusher"

"Quite enterprising really. He will be the richest baby around"

"He will be The Man - all of the other babies will come to him for their supply"

"Who could be opposed to that? Certainly not the visitation social study people. Our baby will be rich."

"Who's low rider is that in your front yard - the one with the tinted windows and light-up license plate? Why that belongs to our baby. He bought it with his crack money. And in 15 1/2 years he will be able to drive it"

"What a good little crack baby"

"No way God is ever gonna let us have kids"

"hmmmm"

All IVF, All the Time

Are you seeing a pattern here? You should. If you don't, you will. This sight will now be dedicated to my obsessing over IVF. It won't make sense. I won't sound rational. I will think about, complain and psycho-analyze everything, at least six times. Yes - I will be just like a 14 year old girl with her first real crush.

For you girls out there, you know exactly what I mean. For you boys, all I can say is that we talked about you. A lot. All the time. For many, many, many countless hours. In fact, if I could have that time back now, I would be 10 years younger...I am sure of it.

I got a call from the Dr. yesterday afternoon. Well, I missed the call and was graced with a lovely message on the recorder. I am not starting Lupron tonight. I don't know why. They just said that they got my blood levels back and I won't be starting until Friday - maybe. First I don't bleed, then I fail the blood test. Perhaps it was all that wine I drank the night before... "um, doctor - we can't start her Lupron tonight, she is still drunk". Add to the great news that they are not going to be open the rest of the day...so I get to call them back tomorrow and try to find out why I am delayed / why I flunked. I am a flunker. Well that - and a drinker. Go me.

Yesterday in the office, when I asked what it meant if my tests came back different than they wanted, I was told it would delay us a cycle. Now I am told two days. No idea why I am confused... makes perfect sense to me. All I keep thinking is "please don't let this whole experience be a giant mess of cloudy confusion" - although it is not like my mind can control it - so what is the point really?

14 year old girl obsessing...that is what I am to become once again.

Thoughts about IVF

• The blood test is no big deal.

It should be no big deal. It should be fairly quick. And it would have - if it were not for my inability to bleed this morning. At all. Who knew that the body can just choose not to bleed? This better not be a sign of how my body plans to cooperate.

• Don’t get your hopes up, or you may be setting yourself up for a huge let-down.

Of course my hopes are up. If I had no faith what-so-ever in IVF, why would I be spending so freaking much money on it?

• If it is in God’s will, you will get pregnant.

How could God NOT want anyone to be pregnant? My husband and I talked about this one. Although we both believe in God – I am a little less interested in “God’s will”. He thinks it is because my mother was a Jesus-freak when I was growing up, and as a result, I am filled up to the top with God talk. I guess I agree. I should not be so bitter about this, but I read all of these stories online and can’t understand what kind of God would will people to go through infertility and miscarriages. It just doesn’t seem very Godly.

• The shots are not that bad.

First off, the people telling me this are not ones who have to inject themselves. And the needle for some of this medicine – worse looking than the evil Novocain stuff the dentist uses. Bigger than my toothbrush. Comparable to PVC pipe if you ask me – not that I exaggerate or anything.

• If your blood levels are good, you can start Lupron tonight.

And when I asked what would happen if the levels are not good, I was told that I get the lucky prize of waiting another month. By god blood, you better be good!

• Alcohol is bad for the developing embryos.

We asked if I can still drink – alcohol, coffee, etc while on the Lupron – and the answer, after very odd looks from the staff at the Dr. office was “….ummmm, yes”. Do you think they wrote I am an alcoholic on my chart? I think they did.

Talk About Things Other Than Work

If I were going to talk about work here, which I am not - I would tell you how much I don't like my job.

I would tell you that life in a delivery organization is about as bad as I can imagine it.

I would tell you that IT is just not that exciting.

I would tell you that I am happy that I can work from home when I so choose, but I wish I didn't have to work at all.

I would tell you that I don't really like the person I work for, and that I feel like I do all of that person's work with no support.

I would tell you that I procrastinate as much as humanly possible to avoid doing any real work as often as possible.

I would tell you how much I want a new job, and how difficult it is right now to find one.

I would tell you that I never dreamt I would be middle management when I grew up.

I would tell you that I have excelled far beyond anything I thought possible, but am still unhappy.

I would tell you that my company loves me - enough to never give me a raise or bonus.

I would tell you all of these things - if I were going to talk about my job here, which I am not.

A Love Letter to My Husband

For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

-James Baldwin



Every moment I am with you, I love you more than the moment before. It feels as if we have been in love our whole lives, yet we have not known each other even a decade. I wonder what exists in the two of us to make us to make me love you so much, so unconditionally, so completely.

When I look at you, I remember very clearly the first day I knew that I loved you. I remember what you were wearing, how you smelled, how you looked at me. I remember so many moments with you and all of them are filled with wonder and happiness and joy.

I cannot imagine a day on this earth without you. I do not want a future without you in it. I love you with all of heart, all of my soul.

Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Things that drive me crazy when reading online journals:

1. "Squee" Just stop it already. Nobody freaking says "Squee" - so CUT IT OUT. I hate reading it. You can't like typing it. It is insane.
2. "Gah" - nobody says that either. For god's sake, just stop! Write like you speak...it is not that difficult. I understand dramatic effect - but we have to draw the line.
3. Opening your journal for comments, and then getting pissed off when someone comments. Please. If you want to hear what people say - be prepared for them to say exactly what they are thinking, exactly when they are thinking it. Otherwise, keep your journal to yourself, and stop pimping it to the rest of the world.
4. Stop lecturing the readers of your journal. When you tell someone your troubles, they want to help. Either listen to them and filter what is useful and what is not, or don't listen. But for Christ's sake, stop listening and then bitching about it. What is the point there?
5. If we read your journal, we enjoy your writing - it is nothing personal. We don't want to be you, visit you, live with you, and poke through your garbage. Stop being so paranoid.
6. If you are asking for donations, quit your complaining about people asking personal information. You are a step above a man on the corner with a sign saying "will work for food" - be happy and be quiet about it.
7. If you don't like my journal, don't read it. If I don't like yours, I won't read it. No comments needed...but please, feel free if it makes you feel better. Sticks and stones...
8. This is therapy for me. I suppose I like it if someone reads it, but for the most part it feels good just to write. I don't need to be read to feel worthy of anything. You shouldn't need this either. It is the writing that is good - not so much the being read. If it is the being read that you crave, publishing a book might be the better route to mental stability.
9. Online and real life do not equal same thing. Just because you think you know someone since you have been reading their creative writing for a long time really means nothing. Think of the times you have elaborated or exaggerated on here. Do you think that we are all totally honest in our "creative" writing? Yeah.
10. LOL, ROFL, LMAO - let them go. They are old, old, old - and tired.

Am I in a mood or what?

You LOVE him. You want to MARRY him!

An actual conversation from today:

Me to dog: You look bored.

Husband to dog: It’s true – you do.

Me to dog: Why don’t you go outside and play with your brother?

Husband to dog: It sounds like she is trying to get rid of you. She doesn’t love you.

Me to dog: I don’t want to get rid of you. I love you. But I don’t want to marry you. That’s just not right.

Husband to dog: It’s true. Most civilizations frown upon human-dog marriages.


Yes…this is my life

Wearing Your Heart on the Outside

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.

-Elizabeth Stone


I agree with this 100%. Having children is a difficult task. It is a life-long commitment, full of more emotions than I ever knew existed before my girls were born. Sure, I knew having children would be difficult...but I didn't know just how hard it would be. Not really.

Funny thing is, the things I thought would be hard are not the hard things now. I was prepared for back-talk, not wanting to do homework, not wanting to do chores, wanting to spend the night at someone's house ALL THE TIME. Talking on the phone too much. I was prepared for little versions of me.

What I was not anticipating was children that:

• Are as smart or smarter than me - have more common sense
• Have such a sharp sense of humor
• Can melt me with a smile
• Are so fun to be around
• Want to be independent
• Are naive (and yet I have to give them room to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them - what is up with THAT?)
• Are not really children at all, but rather 'little people'
• Grow up too quickly
• Are right more than they are wrong
• Are right as often as I am if not more
• Are honest, and trustworthy
• Imitate everything they see

I look at my girls and am amazed at how fantastic they are. They have such big hearts. They are smarter than I imagined they would be at this age. And they are growing up so fast. This scares me more than I can say, yet at the same time I am excited for them. I am thrilled to see them do so well in this life.

It is hard to want them to grow and be independent yet want to keep them away from all of the bad things in this world. How do you keep them safe and let them grow at the same time?

Word of the Day

Chimera \ky-MIR-uh\, noun:

1. A fire-breathing she-monster represented as having a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.

2. Amnesia at her finest

3. Any teenage girl

Signs

As I was dropping my daughter off at school a few weeks ago, I saw a bus pull up that had warnings posted on the side. There were signs and words of caution for people approaching, passing, coming anywhere near the giant yellow accident-waiting-to-happen.

The bus had a big banner that said
"Following a few simple warnings could save a life:"
and it had pictures for signs such as Stop and Yield and Railroad Crossing

As I was waiting for a break in traffic to leave the parking lot from hell, I started thinking about the warnings...and how we needed them in everyday life. There are just too many stupid people out there NOT to have daily "how to live life" signs...don't you think?

Signs I feel would help us all:

• Be careful what you say - it WILL come back to haunt you
• If it seems easy, you are probably Doing it wrong
• All people have feelings - do not do things to intentionally hurt them
• Designated drivers really ARE a GOOD idea
• Kids are fragile - please don't break them
• Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'
• Waiters and Waitresses are PEOPLE - Treat them as such
• Be nice to animals
• It is your own responsibility to make yourself happy
• Life is a gift, not a right
• Marriage is work, and well worth it
• You cannot make someone love you
• You have to earn even your children's respect

What others can you think of?

I'm going to hell.

Ok - an actual email thread from work...which I somehow find very, very funny. Yes, I am easily amused.


-----Original Message-----
From: Amnesia's Assistant
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2004 2:19 PM
To: Amnesia
Subject: RE:

Hey, that does sound funny. . . and yes you are going to hell !!! :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Amnesia
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2004 2:18 PM
To: Amnesia's Assistant
Subject: RE:

That sounds funny…. "Amnesia's Assistant is shopping it around" Im going to hell for that one, huh?

-----Original Message-----
From: Amnesia's Assistant
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2004 2:18 PM
To: Amnesia
Subject: RE:

I'm shopping it around. I'll let you know.

-----Original Message-----
From: Amnesia
Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2004 2:17 PM
To: Amnesia's Assistant
Subject:

Let me know if you find someone to take that paper weight otherwise known as my crappy Blackberry.

Presidential Debate

So the debate last night? I didn't watch it. And - brace yourself - I don't feel like I missed a thing. It is all the news wants to chat about this morning. It is all over the papers, online, everywhere I turn. And still? I don't care.

While I have every intention of voting, I could not be less interested in who says what to whom. I don't care who smoked dope, who hates terrorists, who claims they are going to raise or lower taxes...because really - once they get in office, the basic ideas of the party supporting them will take over and all of this nonsense debating won't mean shit. I don't know why we kid ourselves and go on thinking that the folks running for office are able to break new ground, be their own person, run the government by themselves. Because people, they CAN'T. They are powerless without the support of the party behind them.

And that is why the debate, the commercials, the yard signs, the constant yammering on about all of this means nothing to me.