We took the boys to their grandparents house this weekend. And then we came back home without them. Which all by itself sucks HUGE donkey balls because OUR BABIES ARE NOT HERE. But add to that the fact that we had to then move almost all of our worldly possessions from our 3400 square foot house INTO OUR GARAGE so that they could replace our carpet, followed by moving it BACK INTO THE HOUSE – and it has been a pretty sucktastic weekend (and two days).

The carpet is DONE. The furniture and stuff is all back in place. And the boys come home tonight. THANK GOD.


Not Enough Fun

I am driving home from the office, eyeing the traffic, catching glimpses into people’s car-lives as we pass each other, mooing at the cows, and thinking about nothing very noteworthy.

I am stopped at a traffic light. To my left is the never-ending circus which is technically referred to as “the extension of 121” – but I tend to look at it as one big goat rodeo that will NEVER be finished, and will forever only PROMISE of open roads with no stop lights.

As I watch the construction trucks digging, moving and packing dirt, I begin to criticize their approach. Why are they moving so quickly? They will DROP MOST OF THE DIRT and have to do it all over again. What in the hell? That guy MUST BE DRUNK! Look how he is driving!! SO INNEFFICIENT!! And then I punch myself – because what ever happened to the little kid in me that used to watch the trucks with awe and simply think THAT IS SO COOL? Where did THAT person go?

What is it in life that causes us to lose the wonder and amazement that we all seem to possess as children? When did we all stop looking at trucks and planes and boats as unique, amazing toys...and simply start taking them for granted? When did I stop chasing fireflies and butterflies? When did I quit building forts and playing pretend? And more important – why?

I am mourning the loss of the child in me, and struggling with how to resurrect her.


Toy store


A Hot Story

I had been putting off running for days, coming up with whatever excuses I could to avoid the heat. However today the guilt was too great. I headed out a little after 3, having left work early - because I am a slacker like that. I walked to the mailbox to see if anything interesting was in there (no) and walked by the park. At this point I had walked a block. 1 block. And I determined that it was REALLY REALLY hot. I started jogging and spent the next few minutes trying to decide what to compare to the heat so that everyone would understand EXACTLY HOW HOT IT WAS.

It was Kansas City hot - the kind of heat (laced with no-see-ums) that assaults you when you walk out the front door.

It was Africa hot - where you are certain that imminent death is approaching.

It was oven hot - that face melting hot you only experience when you open a 450 degree oven and melt your eyelashes straight off your face.

It was molten lava hot - that skin searing, body melting kind.

And then my brain quit working. And I kind of wanted to die. And then I took a short cut through the neighborhood and went home. The end.

No man should have to do this....

This is my new bathing suit. No - that is not me. GOD - I WISH. All the way down to the blond hair...but that really is not the point of this.

Last Saturday we took the boys to a local water park. This meant that I was going to have to wear swimwear. In public. While chasing little boys (wow, that sounds rather sick). I surveyed the swimwear situation, and realized that I owned 2. I was feeling hopeful, as one was purchased last October and the other was only a few years old.

And then I tried them on.

One had a top that was too small. I have worn it this year, however was not entirely comfortable with the outcome. My chest has actually expanded in size while the rest of me has become smaller. So - that one was OUT.

The second one had a different issue entirely. The bottoms were too big - gaping in the back a bit...allowing my butt to show...which was not really what I was looking for either, but figured I could wear the tie-around-skirt-thing that I bought with it and make it through the day. I managed...but I am also pretty sure a lot of people witnessed my ass hanging out. I apologize.

On Sunday, one of my top priorities was to to buy a new bathing suit. STAT. Todd actually WANTED to go with me...which sort of blew my mind and made me itch. Sure, we have been married a long time. Yes, we have children together. Um, yeah, he has seen me at my absolute worst when I was in the ICU for months. But - HE HAS NEVER BEEN BATHING SUIT SHOPPING WITH ME.

I have never been so self conscious of my body. Not even in 9th grade gym class while trying to shower without letting the other girls see exactly how FLAT my chest was (as if I could hide it...it is one of those things that is obvious long before someone is shirtless). I tried to act like it was no big deal...and that alone almost killed me.

I don't really think men are supposed to be subjected to that kind of torture. Ever. Todd watched while I tried on several different options, offering to get other sizes or colors. He also offered his opinion when asked, although he was careful to only offer up compliments as opposed to criticism. Good thinking on his part.

In the end, we chose the one I was most comfortable in (good coverage - for a bikini anyway - with no ties on the bottoms) which he claimed he liked almost as much as the one I was not quite happy with (my butt looks too big...what if it comes untied...how in the HELL does this top tie anyway). He may not get extra man points on his man-card, but he gets TONS of them on his husband card. Man points are good with your buddies...but husband card points can be traded for *favors*.

I just blamed my 5th grade teacher for my lack of interest in church.

I don’t like Star Trek. Or comic books. Or religion. Conventions, revivals and conferences make me very uncomfortable. I have been to a handful of these events focusing on different things, and they all leave me feeling as if I have been to Jonestown. I hate that false sense of belonging while participating, followed by the ultimate letdown experienced after leaving and returning to “real life”. I also hate crowds. And convention food. And all of the useless crap I find myself toting home – business cards I will never reference again, stress balls, too-big-shirts, water bottles, and more literature than I can shake a stick at. I loath thinking about who I will sit with, or talk to, or eat with in the evenings, and because of this I tend to hang out in my hotel room and watch overly priced pay-per-view movies while eating a $32.00 sandwich. I am sure this all points to some experience in my past – perhaps my mother’s foray into various cults, or perhaps I will just throw the blame my 5th grade teacher because she was so mean...


The State of Things

I am staying busy...a lot of work during the day, playing with the boys in the evening, falling asleep way too early at night. The girls have been at their dad's, but come back later today, which means I will see them...well, never. They are teenagers.

This weekend promises to be boring. And hoo boy! I can use some boring. We may do laundry. We might not. We may go to the pool. We might not. We may pack some things. And then, we might not. We have NO plans, which is so fantastic I could hug myself. There might be more donuts than one should consume in a day. There might not. There might be naps. There will DEFINATELY be naps. There might be jogging. There might not. There might be frantic fall-soccer-sign-up activities. There might not. See? It is all up in the air. Isn't that nice?

Cassie heads off to college in 4 weeks. And Brittany gets her drivers license in 3 days. I am more worried about Brittany being on the roads than Cassie free in Michigan.

There is probably some business travel in my future...to Charlotte. No offense intended to anyone that lives there, but I tend to feel that it is the armpit of the world, with very few (if any) redeaming qualities. As you can see, I am REALLY excited about this new venture.

That is really all I've got. Oh - I have had coffee 3 days in a row now after having been off the juice for quite some time. Wow!!! I have missed the caffeine. So this is how normal adults make it through the day!


The Run

The Fantasy:

She stretches briefly, lengthening her muscles, feeling that release that only a good stretch will give a person, and she heads down the sidewalk. Slowly at first, feeling her natural rhythm take over, gliding with the wind. She runs through the neighborhood easily, warming up with each long stride. Once across the main road, she picks up the pace a bit, iPod blaring, shade keeping her cool. She feels energized and alert. The temperature is perfect, cool enough that she doesn’t need water, warm enough that extra clothes are not needed. She feels like a true athlete as she flies by other joggers, supporting her belief that she is in the best shape of her life. By the time she gets home, almost two hours have passed. The sun is setting, and she is thinking of all of the things she can still accomplish this evening.

The Reality:

She doesn’t stretch, quite certain that it will expend all of her free energy and instead walks a block to warm up. Once to the park she starts out slow, slower than when she was walking, picking up the pace only to get past the sprinkler. Her legs feel heavy, as if she is jogging with weights on her ankles. Her head pounds in rhythm with her feet hitting the pavement. It is 3:00 in the afternoon, the hottest time of day. It is also 97 degrees and ridiculously hot, even in the shade…of which there is little. 4 blocks out and she is already pouring water on her head. 6 blocks out and she is planning her path back. A few more blocks and she is spotted stopped under a tree begging for rain. Or a ride back home. By the time she makes it home, she is walking, and purple, and tired. She considers getting more water, but it sounds like too much work.


Our Life

We are getting our house re-carpeted.

We are packing.

We are taking days to watch a single movie.

We are trying to eat healthy.

We are sneaking out at night to eat ice cream.

We are taking exercise classes together.

We are spending time with family.

We are working from home, together a lot.

We are talking all throughout the day.

We are spending the weekends together with the boys.

We are texting each other.

We are planning weekly menus and grocery lists.

We are deciding what to have for dinner.

We are looking at houses in Austin.

We are trying to decide on storage options.

We are paying bills together.

We are reading to the boys at night.

We are spending more money on boxes than food.

We are talking about running.

We are thinking about our next vacation.

We are discussing signing the boys up for swimming lessons.

We are approaching time to take Cassie to college.

We are listening for the girls to come home at night.

We are walking the dog.

We are quitting work as early as possible so that we can spend time together.

We are trying very hard to remain physically fit, and attractive to each other.

We are taking pictures, and then making fun of them.

We are living in a sea of boxes.

We are trying to find a way to make the work part of moving fun.

We are more in love than I think we have ever been.



There are 7 people in our house. We actually create a lot of trash. So much that I finally called the city and requested a second trash receptacle. $12.00 more a month seemed worth it to me, so I scheduled delivery of the new giant plastic beast. And now I KNOW I am old, because when it arrived I was excited. It was NEW. And CLEAN. And we finally had room for all of our trash. And then…someone stole it. I called the city of Plano and asked for another. Apparently, THEY stole it. Someone didn’t close out the order (or some other un-intelligible explanation) which resulted in them taking the extra container back to their lair.

After another phone call, they returned the trash can. For a few days. This morning Todd noticed it was gone – AGAIN. After calling the city - AGAIN, I was told that they had made a mistake (you think?) and they would return the second can – AGAIN. Todd is amused. I am annoyed. And also, taking bets on how long it takes for them to deliver it, and how long it takes until they steal it – AGAIN.