It's hard to be 4

How was your new school?

Ok

Did you make new friends?

One boy...but I don't know his name. One boy hitted me.

Why?

He said I took his acorns. But I didn't. I founded them on the ground.

Did you tell your teacher?

Yeah.

How did that make you feel? Were you sad?

It made me feel confused.

On Aging

You will start a new preschool on Monday. I think you are both excited, however I cannot be sure how you will adjust until your first few days are passed. Your grandmother has taken care of you most days since you were born...you were very lucky that we had that option. I think it has created a special bond that most kids don't experience. Unfortunately you are both wild, strong willed, exhausting boys and have become too much for her. What we are speculating is Alzheimer's is eating away at her memory and confidence, leaving the two of you at risk. While things might be fine the way they are, I am not able to make myself comfortable with it so we have decided to put you in full time care outside the home. This has been really hard on all of us, but mostly your father. He is so afraid of hurting his mom and loves her so much...I understand those feelings all too well, but don't know how to make them go away or lighten the load.

I took you to the new school yesterday and you loved it. You loved it so much that you decided to tell your grandma about it this morning, which was full of uncomfortable moments...I chose to ignore the whole situation. Your dad finally talked to your grandma about the new school after someone at preschool asked if we were switching schools in front of her - telling her that you will be in a program that has swimming lessons and hiking and a great after school program. We all think you will enjoy it more than hanging out at home between 2 and 6, and that is how he discussed it with your grandma - she can now be a grandma instead of a caretaker. Win-win overall (I hope).

All of this has made me think about aging, about how people end up so dependent on those they took care of in years past. I am not ready to get old - never want to impose on the two of you, or the girls in that way...I never want to seem weak in your eyes. What an unfair dealing life seems to be...

Parenting - it is mind-splittingly insane!

You are obnoxious and clearly tired, or hungry, or both. We head out to grab some sandwiches for dinner - what is supposed to be a break for me but ends up being more work than it appears worth. You both fight all the way there about the direction the sun is setting, what is playing on the radio and how the other is OHMYGOD breathing! You whine and cry about 1) wanting a drink 2) about wanting different chips 3) about wanting peanut butter and jelly (which damnit child - we are already getting you) and 4) about something I cannot even understand. The threats of time out are unending, as is your tolerance for said threats. You stomp around mumbling about how you will do what you want when you want and something else that I am certain translated to "f-you, bitch" in 4-year-old-speak. You end up in the threatened time out and then fake-cry while sitting there. You are mean and unhappy and want the world to know it. Within 2 minutes back in the car, you are both asleep. As I am carrying you into the house, your head nestled against my neck, your breathing steady and sweet, I think how lucky I am that you are in my life.