Older and Wiser

Sitting on an airplane, feeling very happy…thinking about my life, my past, my future. Thinking about this baby growing inside me and the things this new life will bring me, my family – my husband, my girls. All of the opportunities we will have to grow as a family and raise this child surrounded by love and happiness. Everything will be so different this time.

I loved my girls from the moment I knew they were on the way, but I was surrounded by insurmountable, paralyzing fear. I was so young, so poor, and most of the time alone. My husband was working and going to school full time – I was for all intensive purposes, alone. It was hard. Life was hard. Although all life is hard, that one seemed especially so.

This time around I am older, and hopefully wiser. I am open to the fact that I don’t know everything. I make mistakes, and that is okay. I don’t have to be the perfect mother – I just have to do my best. I have to stay calm, loving, and remain focused on my whole family – not just the new baby. I understand the importance of nourishing my marriage so that it continues to grow. I understand how important it is to still have individual relationships with my girls – not let them get swallowed up in the excitement of a new baby.

Older, wiser, smarter – but still a little scared. I think that is natural. Anyone who thinks they have all of this all figured out is simply fooling themselves. I cannot imagine embarking on an adventure like this and not being a little overwhelmed. Who wouldn’t?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

We played Christmas this weekend. Tree, lights, stockings, assorted useless Christmas decorations – all scattered about the house. Everything looks so nice, festive and happy. All of the extra decorations makes our house look more lived in, more loved. Have you ever noticed that about Christmas? When the tree is up and decorated, the whole house seems calm and beautiful. After the holidays, when the tree comes down, everything seems a bit empty and alone.

I enjoy looking at every ornament and remembering where it came from. I especially love the ones that my girls made years ago – with beads, wood, glue – to most people they would be nothing special – to me they are priceless. I remember my mother used to ‘oooh’ and ‘ahhhh’ over our ornaments, especially the homemade ones – and I would always roll my eyes and wish she would shut up already…now I understand. I have become my mother and I am sentimental.

My husband is going to try to get the outside done this next weekend. We have luminaries to put out and trees to wrap in hundreds of lights. I can’t wait to stand outside in the dark and look at all of the lights… I am such a sap. Which is funny – because I have always hated Christmas. I have hated winter too – until this year. I woke up one day and was happy it was cold outside. I put on a sweater and walked around smiling all day. Another sign of growing up, growing old, or becoming my mother.

Dear god, what has become of me?

I have started mentally talking to my belly. I “think” to the babies all through the day. Do you suppose that is a sign of senility? I have to wonder...I have been slowly going over the edge for weeks now. It was only a matter of time.

Yes, I said babies above. I have NO idea if there is one or two, but for the oddest reason, I am convinced that both embryos stuck and we are having twins. We will know at our first ultrasound in a few weeks, but until then I will refer to them as…well, THEM. Wouldn’t twins be the greatest gift ever? I mean, aside from a baby at all. We are so blessed – so very very fortunate to be having these babies. I can’t be happier…I couldn’t feel more complete, more happy.

Things are different this time around. When I was pregnant with my teenage daughters, I was so scared. I couldn’t imagine how I would take care of them. I couldn’t picture my life with children. I couldn’t see my husband as a father. It just didn’t fit. I hated being pregnant, I hated labor, and I hated being a stay at home mom. I couldn’t wait to go back to work…to get back to what I thought was a real life. I was so wrong.

This time, I am excited about being pregnant. I am not afraid of labor. I am not scared of taking care of a baby. I am 100% into this pregnancy. My husband is much the same. It is amazing the difference made by actually planning a pregnancy and having to work for it. We have been hoping and praying for this miracle, and now we have it. My husband…what can I say? What a wonderful father he will be. What a perfect family we will have – even when everything isn’t perfect, at the heart of it - it will be.

Will you remind me of all of this when we are trying to get two screaming babies to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time? I am sure I will forget.

I'm Pregnant

It's true. We are about to have a bigger family.

I am so very very excited!

Thanksgiving Day

This mornings verdict: still not pregnant

Surprised? I'm not. Still early. Too early to test, yet I tested anyway. I can't begine to tell you how many evil pee sticks I have gone through. I can't count that high.

I had a terrible dream last night. It involved horrible ex-in laws and an evil ex-husband. I woke up feeling horrible, had a headache, and then got to see a negative pregnancy test. This was followed promptly by crying. Yes. I have officially lost it. And why was I crying? No good reason, I can tell you that. This is just such an emotional thing we are doing. I am hopped up on hormones, my body thinks it is pregnant, even if it isn't. We are only going to do this one time, and if it doesn't work - then no baby. So much pressure. Just too much.

I just want the waiting to stop. I want to be pregnant. I want this so very bad. I found myself making deals with God in the shower this morning... "If you will please make me pregnant...."

Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I. Can't. Stop. Peeing.

Ever since I was permitted to pee, I have not stopped. Although let me explain, lest you get the wrong idea.

HPT sticks and I are developing a hate-hate relationship. They are the key to my knowing if I am pregnant. It is of course too early for them to tell me, but I keep peeing on them anyway. Why? I don't know. I feel like it is "doing something" instead of just waiting I suppose. I hate the whole 'waiting' thing. Hate it. Hate those pregnancy tests too...or did I already mention that? I told my husband that he may find me peeing on generic household items soon. The thermostat? Looks like an home pregnancy test to me! The dog should hide his bones. All objects should be put away - or I am likely to pee on them and then stare the stare of death waiting for a light pink line to show up on them.

In other news... who am I kidding, there is NO other news. There is NO news. I am 2 days past a 5 day transfer - 9 days past ovulation, and I have no news. Which as I pointed out is normal, but it is still killing me. KILLING ME.

I would tell you all that I have it out of my system and that I won't HPT tomorrow, as it won't tell me anything then either - but I would be lying. I will SO be peeing on the stick tomorrow...and as I watch the window with laser vision, and only see one line indicating 'not pregnant' - I will act surprised and pretend that I thought that there was a small chance I could know this early. I like to torture myself like that.

If I were smart - which I have clearly shown you over the past months that I am NOT - I would have waited until Thursday to test at all (just because it is Thanksgiving and how cool would it be to find out we are having a baby on THAT day?) and then I would not test again until Sunday. But now I am spiraling out of control and just can't stop the peeing... I may even run out of test before any real chance appears of finding out the truth. Of course the store is a mere block or so away and I can always buy more. After all we have spent on this, what is another 13.99 in order to save our thermostat and dog's bones from being peed on?

Please may I pee now?

It is cloudy, cool and quiet outside as we drive to the hospital. The car is full – me, the girls, my husband – all wanting to be part of this day. We arrive 25 minutes early… Are we just a little excited? I have been drinking water since 7, and already have to go to the bathroom. I decide not to go and figure I can hold it as I was told to have a partially full bladder for the transfer. We will now refer to this decision as mistake number 1.

After getting into the pre-op room and trading my lovely clothes for a gown with missing ties, we sit around and joke about the procedure, the morning, how tired the girls are, and one of the girl’s desires to watch the Dennis the Menace movie while we wait. And wait. And wait. All the while, I have to go to the bathroom…and it is getting worse.

I finally sneak to a bathroom around 8:30 – ahhhh sweet relief – only to have to go again at 8:45, just as bad. The nurse comes to get us for transfer and lets me go “a little bit” so I don’t turn green. Have you ever tried to just go “a little bit” and then stop? Yeah – well, it sucks. Bad. I went only a “little bit” and returned to the room. This decision will now be tagged mistake number 2.

My husband puts on what he referred to as his Doctor-Ware and we head to the transfer room. Not much to it – same room they did the retrieval in. It is small, fairly dark, and attached to the embryo lab. There are about 5 people I have never seen along with my doctor. The whole process took only a few minutes, but I swear it felt like hours – due to the having-to-pee issue I was facing.

All I could think about was peeing.

Doctor: Look at the pictures of your embryos

Me: I have to pee

Doctor: We are ready for the embryos

Me: Damn, did I mention that I have to pee?

Doctor: OK, now be very, very still

Me: But I have to pee

Doctor: All right, we are done

Me: Now, can I pee?

Doctor: No.

WHAT? No peeing????? What the hell is that? No peeing for an hour. A whole HOUR? I was supposed to wait a whole freaking hour to go. UMMMM – That so was not going to happen. They took us back to the pre-op room where the girls were waiting (sleeping) and told me that if I had to go to the bathroom that badly, they would let me go in 20 minutes. WHAT? 20 minutes? Do you KNOW how I feel???? I really, really, really have to pee. Really.

So I waited. I stared at the ceiling and prayed that I would be able to make it. I watched the Mighty Ducks movie that was on TV and hoped I would make it. I finally started staring at the clock, eyes watering, counting the seconds, hoping I would make it. I swear to god, I did NOT think I would make it. I have never had to go that bad, and I better never have to go that bad again. When that nurse finally showed up again and let me go, I swore I would put her on my Christmas list. I was THAT happy to see her.

To wrap it up, they transferred two “very good” 50-80 celled embryos. They were not excellent, but the doctor was pretty happy with them. The pictures they gave us look like two tiny pepperoni pizzas. So – that is what the babies are being called – pepperonis. I sure hope they are growing…and not getting all lazy like my other 2 kids.

The Evening News

Yesterday we received our daily embryo report. There are 4 considered excellent quality, 1 good, and 1 average. I of course have no idea what this all means. I just pretend that it is good news and walk around smiling. I - am an infertility idiot. I admit it. It is true.

Last night we started the Progesterone shots. They are still not as bad as the Follistim. That stuff REALLY hurt. These new ones are given in the hip muscle...with an inch-and-a-half long needle. Although they really don't hurt, they are hard to do. It is hard to see back there, and to give the shot by myself, so my husband had to help. He would have done the whole thing but I am a baby and wouldn't let him. I just couldn't stand the anticipation of waiting for him to do the shot - so I took it away from him and put it in myself - but then, I couldn't get the medicine in. So he had to do that part. What a picture of hilarity that must have been.

We then went to a movie - Friday Night Lights. Which - I loved. Football. So much aggression and intensity. Love it.

So - that is the latest for me. Husband is working on his new job - and loves it. I am working on my old job and hate it. things are rolling right along. Now - I just need to get pregnant!!!

A song for our embryos

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

A very unusual place

Don't let that scare you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's in your face

It's all around you

Well it can't go on and on forever

So let it go

And hold on tight

It's all so new

Yeah you're so green

But I'll cover you

So enjoy the view

Yeah you're so green

Until you balance on the earth to find that love

Surrounds you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's not your typical space

Just let it hold you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

Don't quit the race

Let it unfold you

Anywhere you go

I'm gonna be one step behind you

You may not know

But I'll be there

Welcome to the human race

It's a very unusual place

But that's what makes it wonderful

Now your world has just begun

You're a very unusual one

And that's what makes you beautiful

Well it can't go on and on and on forever

So let it goIt will go on and on and on forever

When you go

So hold on

Hold on

Welcome to the world oh yeah

(Green, by Sister Hazel)

Proof of Insanity

“I feel like there is a basketball in my tummy. It is hard, and round. Feel it”

“Maybe that is what they were doing to you in surgery…putting a basketball in there. Do you think they blew it up after, or put it in inflated?”

“I think they inflated it after”

“Did they use a hand pump, or just back the Hummer up to the OR and use the built in air compressor”

“They used the Hummer, of course”

“Maybe it is just a pup-tent in there”

“Maybe, but how do you think they got it set up? We can’t set up our tent in broad daylight, with lots of room”

“Well, that is why is hurts so much”

“YEAH!”