Thanks

I am thankful for so many things, and yet it is so much easier to focus on the things that drive me crazy, things that I cannot stand. This definitely supports what I am feeling - that I want to - need to - change my life. Why this is, I do not know. But I refuse to fight it. So -- I will use this opportunity to dwell on those things for short while, figure out how to fix or at least IMPROVE them, and move on.

Family: While I have focused on keeping my family together, functioning, hearts all beating, I have not really spent time improving one on one relationships with those closest to me. I want to spend more time with each person in my life, really lsitening to them and learning from them...not merely existing along parallel tracks. Even my 3 year old boys have things to teach me if I would just watch and listen.

Fitness: This has always been an outlet for me, something I was good at, something that I felt good about. Now I need to tap back into that and set some lofty goals I can feel good about achieving. I have picked out a 1/2 marathon and will work toward a full next year.

Food: We as a family need to get out of the quick and easy eating habits and get back to eating well. We have gotten lazy and are not setting great examples for those around us.

Work: I absolutely MUST figure out what I want to be doing, what makes me happy, and start doing it. I cannot continue to be miserable or just 'existing' in this part of my life. I have been lazy and just followed whatever path fell in front of me. That has to stop now. I need to make some conscious decisions about where I want to be 5 and 10 years from now and actually do something about it. Even if I am not a raging success, I will be happy.

Finances: It felt good to know we had a plan to be debt free, and to see it on the horizon. While the timeline is now longer, I need to remain diligent in being careful in this area so that we can put our kids through college and actual retire someday. It isn't all about the 'now' right?

How about you? What are you going to change?

Run, Run as Fast as You Can.

Running Report: Sunday around 1:00pm. I wanted to do the Shred, but it was in the 60s out, pushing 70 - and I felt like I should be outside. Todd had wanted to run, which helped push me that way too. We ran the Y-trail route to the end and back. It is a little over 4 miles, and I would say I made it about 3 1/2 and then was spent - headache indicated my heart rate was up so I had to stop. It is going to take a while to build up to anything significant. Stupid heart.

Lazy

Workout Report: 30 Day Shred, Level 1. FUCK YOU JILIAN.

OK. It really wasn’t very hard, I just like saying that. After yesterday’s run, anything would seem easy. I was going to run again today, but I had serious amounts of work to do, which I really should be doing right this very minute. That, or taking a shower. I am sure my family would push for the shower. I however am most likely not going to do that until the last possible minute. Or maybe not until tomorrow.

Back to the workout. Well, there isn’t much to say about it. I muted that horrible woman and listened to Nickleback instead. I am liking their new album – nice mix of up-beat and naughty. Just what I am looking for in music. Workout was easy. Very easy. Ridiculously easy. I don’t think I even broke out into a sweat. Which makes me think I should step it up and run in addition or do level 2. Or just think about how easy it was and do nothing. I kind of like that option.

Running

So you might have to click on the picture to read all of the captions...

Right after I wrote the earlier post about choosing a marathon, I changed and headed out the door to run. Because I was feeling all large and in charge...and you know, stupid.

I deteriorated quickly.

Running Report: Ran the GRIM route. (Gillespi, Ridgeview, Independence, McDermott square). Really effing windy. Favorite song was Nickelback's The Afternoon. Listened to it most of the way on repeat. Time was 35-40 minutes. SLOW.

Marathon?

I need a goal. I was going great with the 30 day shred, and I think I got burned out on it. I wanted to get in shape, and I lost some weight, started looking fit, and it petered out. Now? Not so motivated. I spend evenings searching the kitchen for something to eat…although since I don’t buy much garbage, I end up giving up most of the time. So – I have not gained any weight back really, but I am certainly going to start doing so if I don’t get motivated again. This leads me to my opening statement. I NEED A GOAL.

Based on my current goal-neediness, I found the following Marathons that are a possibility: I am thinking we start with a ½ marathon in April. Notice the use of ‘we’ there? I am expecting my husband to go along with my antics, because that is what he does. He puts up with me. So – ½ marathon in April, followed by one of the following chosen because of the cool destinations. New Mexico has the appeal because Todd has family there and we could take everyone with us. It is within driving distance. The others are further away and are appealing because it would just be the two of us. Obviously the international options would morph into some kind of vacation. Chicago is a nice run which I have done before and has the advantage of being fairly inexpensive to get to, but is CLEARLY less exciting. Thoughts?

June 28, 2009 – Kona Marathon

September 6, 2009 - New Mexico Marathon

September 6, 2009 – Kaua’I Marathon

September 20, 2009 – Maui Marathon

September 20, 2009 – Berlin Marathon

October 12, 2009 – Chicago Marathon

November 8 – Athens Marathon

December 2009 – Honolulu Marathon

Morning Isn't Far Away

I don't seem to be sleeping very well lately. Too much on my mind, and I think I could use a along break from all things requiring my attention for a few days. Or a month.

Brittany's custody issue is cleared up, but now we have to actually find a way to help her cope with her recent realizations. Not an easy task. And also, she has been withdrawn from school. Yes, I suppose she is officially a high school drop-out at the moment. Status as a mother =FAIL. We are going to enroll her in Texas Tech ISD, an online school so that she can get caught up. There was no way to send her back to a full schedule having been out for 5 weeks and have any hopes of her passing. Our options were limited. Very limited. She was of course interested in un-schooling, which makes me laugh. Seriously. That isn't school. It is sleeping late and playing video games. Fun? Yes. School? No.

The plan now is to do the online thing for the rest of this semester and possibly the rest of this school year and then go back. It takes two weeks for admissions and enrollment to be complete though, so time is just ticking by.

We took the house off the market - but for some reason are hell-bent on keeping it pristine - so that is fun. It is difficult to keep the house picked up and clean when there are 6 people, 2 cats, 2 dogs and fish here. The fish are not much of a problem, but I threw them out there so that you would feel sorry for me. Did it work?

And then there is the issue of our 2 3-year-old boys won't stop pooping in their pants. This one really kills me. They are un-trainable! I firmly believe that we received broken models from the hospital and really should send then in for repairs or replacements. Who's with me?

Oh, and I may have I missed open enrollment for 2009 benefits throughout this whole mess, so we might be getting a "surprise" coverage option this year - always a fun route to take. God help me.

Can we all just agree that this is the most ridiculous thing to ever exist?

Hands On

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Of melodies pure and true

A family rushes around in the morning – grabbing cell phones, chargers, books, papers. They head out the door a little after 8, eerily quiet, yet adrenalin-charged. After two u-turns in search of a Starbucks, they settle for McDonald's. One more u-turn later finds them at the court house.

Purse, watch, phone, belt, all go through the metal detector. The coffee makes it through without scrutiny. Several policemen and detectives whisk through, flashing badges and setting off alarms caused by what everyone assumes are concealed weapons.

As the family approaches the third floor via escalator, the girl sees the lawyers, her father, her step-mother talking. The family approaches their lawyer and they wait. A few words are exchanged and then they go into the court room to wait some more.

A trial is underway, or perhaps the pre-cursor to a trial. Something “legally” is going on regardless, and it holds their attention for a while. Their lawyer comes into the court room and announces that the girl’s father has agreed to the final custody modification. They will not have to go to a jury trial. They will not have to come back to court.

Papers are signed. Judges and lawyers have discussions. Forensic Psychologists talk with the girls father and then makes his way over to her and her mom and step-dad. Her father follows. A few words are exchanged, and then her father approaches her – he extends his arms, he embraces her. The girl breaks down, telling her father that she loves him, that she doesn’t want him to hate her. He says he loves her too and just wants her to feel better, to be happy.

And they all go home.

Now the girls has to figure out how this new life will work. How to heal the wounds. How to be happy again.

An Open Letter to the 30 Day Shred

Dear 30DS,

I cheated on you. And it was GOOD! I went jogging today and although it was tough, it was nice to be outside, to run again. And while you have helped me improve muscle tone? My endurance is shot - you let me down. FAIL!

Sort of Radio Silence

I am not sure that I should be detailing much out here these days...so I am going to back off of the play-by-play for a bit. Things are moving along, albeit in a slow and expensive way. We are seeing lawyers and doctors, and starting back to school and making plans for the holidays with friends and family. We have taken our house off of the market and are trying to figure out how to dig ourselves out of the debt we have recently taken on. Our plan to be debt free in 2009? That is funny. 2010? Not bloody likely. 2011? Oh, go on with your bad self - quit with the joking. 2012? Now you are just pissing me off.

Lets just say it is going to be a while. Here is to hoping work bonus money heads my way soon. It wouldn't be wasted here.

Oh My God - This Week!!

Today is full of appointments - Psychiatrist, Forensic Psychologist, and Lawyer. Tomorrow promises a plane ride to LA so that I can be in a face to face meeting on Wednesday, and struggle to get back to LAX by 6pm in order to get home around 1am (or I have the lovely option of taking the red eye out of LA, getting in at 6am). Thursday I have to be in court at 8:30am, and just thinking about THAT makes me want to throw up. I am trying to get out of the business trip altogether, but am not expecting much support there.

I am really anxious for Thusday to be over already.

Sad

Brittany is sad. She misses her father. She misses her dog. She misses her sister. She misses the old "normal" I think.

I am having a hard time relating lately on some levels - she was miserable there, yet she seems to miss it. Boggling. I am sure this is normal - our brains don't remember bad things nearly as well as the good. Right? Hello survival instinct. Welcome to our hell.

Our lawyer goes to court tomorrow to get an extension on the restraining order. Then we meet with our lawyer Monday for a planning meeting and off to court on Thursday for what could be the first of many visits...or could be the final settlement. It is really up to Brittany's dad and his lawyer. And did I mention that he has a hot shot criminal defense attorney? Yeah - the guy is surrounded by high profile cases - and has defended some big stars. And I think his wife is a senator. So there is that. We certainly have THAT.

We have been told that this could carry on for a year, at which time Brittany is 18 and it is all thrown away and she can do whatever she wants. AWESOME, no? Do I think it is worth it? The 250 an hour psychologist fees and the 250-450 an hour attorney fees? The days out of work and the doctor visits and court dates? The late night worrying and heartache for my daughter? ABSOLUTELY. Absolutely it is worth it if she chooses life...if she gets a chance to grow up and be happy...if she can someday break free of this overwhelming sadness that has taken over her life...it is worth every sacrifice I could make. But...if it is possible...I would really like karma or god or GOD or fate to ease the hell up already, because really now - enough is enough.

Psycho-sarcasm

We went to a forensic psychologist today.  He was sarcastic and wore blue jeans…  He was what I term “normal” and I like him quite a bit.  Brittany is going to meet with him again Friday and then AGAIN Monday.  Given how expensive this dude is, I am not sure I like the frequency, but if it helps her, it is worth it.  Right?  (crickets chirping)

5 times better reach around? If that isn't funny, then I don't know what is.

The State of the Union

I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to politics. I tend to not want to rock the boat...keep things calm, manageable, stable. I am definitely not a bleeding heart liberal, but find as I age that some of the bleeding heart stands make a lot of sense. And that is what made this election difficult for me. My mind said McCain. It was the known choice. He might not do great things, but we know what to expect and it isn't the worst thing ever. I was all right with that.

But something happened last night...something I didn't expect. Obama won and I was excited. Which kind of blew my mind a little. Todd and I were talking about it, and I feel like this: While I wasn't excited about McCain, I was OK with him being president. He wouldn't change much. He wouldn't rock the boat. He wouldn't do anything to embarrass our country. But Obama - he has a chance to be a legendary leader. He has the ability to shock the hell out of us, to stir things up, to make a huge impression on our lives. And that makes it interesting.

I like interesting.

Status

Lawyer: expensive
Forensic Psychologist Appointment: tomorrow
Court Date: looming
Nerves: shot

Daylight Screw With Us Time

So the whole daylight savings time charade continues to mess with us. Boys were up at 4:something for the day. The whole "gee - this is swell, I will get a whole extra hour of sleep" thing turns into yet another opportunity for our kids to fuck with us. Awesome.

Just to get even with them, at 7pm I told them it was 8 and put them to bed. Take that daylight savings time! Although this may well mean that they are up at 4 again tomorrow...I am not liking where I am seeing this going.