A Letter Too Late

As read about here,

Dear Teenage Idiot Self,

Let me just say that hindsight is amazing. Really. It will save your ass. Or would if this were really going to get to you.

Wow. Where to begin? First, pluck your eyebrows. Right now. And, wear some makeup. And also, sunscreen. Quit baking yourself in the sun because it does eventually catch up with you. Start taking care of your skin immediately! Please stop wearing overalls and that ridiculous fishing hat. It is giving the people in the future way too much material for making fun of you. You have a great body – start dressing like it.

You spend so much time worrying about fitting in, about making friends. Stop it. The worrying is pointless. And those people you are so interested in being friends with are mostly idiots. They prove it as they age – if you only knew what some of them end up like… Most of the people you are friends with at this very moment will end up really disappointing you. For the love of Zeus stay away from Jahdah and LeAnne. Get some new friends. For now, talk to people more. Don’t be afraid to tell people what you are thinking. Your self confidence ends up being one of your better qualities once you get around to developing it. And as a side-note: high school ends up being one of your least favorite times in your life – so don’t invest so much in it emotionally. It doesn’t end up being worth it.

Let’s chat about college. Don’t go to IU. Just don’t. Take this opportunity to look at out of state schools. You will be able to pay back the student loans, with incredibly low interest. It will be one of the smartest things you do in your teenage years. Get as far away from home as possible. See the world if you can. Meet people everywhere you go. You will wish you had done this later in life. Remember to study and learn as much as you can. Learn as many foreign languages as you can. This is something you will wish you had done when you are 40.

Go to medical school if you really want to. The reason you hate chemistry is because your teacher sucks. It has nothing to do with how smart you are. Believe me, you will be smarter than most doctors I have met to date. And if you do become one, remember to treat your patients like people. Be one of the few doctors that are human AND smart. If you don’t want to go to medical school, don’t waste your time with law. You will hate it. A lot. Business is a good second choice. Also…the CIA and FBI will intrigue you later in life…when you are too old to consider it.

Travel. Seriously. Go places whenever you can. Never turn down an opportunity to see someplace new. BEG to go to Jerusalem with your mom. You won’t miss a thing (especially not chemistry class) and will learn an amazing amount. Stay away from the water there as everyone ends up coming back sick. Whenever you do travel meet people, do fun things everyday, and make the most of your time. Don’t be afraid to eat alone or see places by yourself. You will be amazed how you will meet people anyway. And you will really build your self-confidence this way.

Find your birth parents. This will be important someday if you get really sick and the doctors need to know what your family health history is. This is not negotiable. Do it while you are in Indiana and you have easy access to your records. I am not kidding. Move your ass on this one.

The whole church thing? Not so important. Church is a social thing. It doesn’t mean you are any closer to God than anyone else. Please give it a rest already.

Alcohol…what can I say to this one? You should begin looking for the perfect margarita now – it is a wonderful way to pass your free time.

Dating is another issue altogether. Holding out for that guy at church is ridiculous. He ends up with someone else, and not very good looking in a few years anyway. Let him go. Go out. Enjoy being a teenager. Also, sex? Go ahead. Try it. It won’t kill you if you are careful.

Good god you are uptight. Stop it already. Don’t date Andrew, but date Andy. Let Brett go. He isn’t worth it. He ends up getting a girl pregnant and amounting to not much of anything. Both of the boys in drama with you end up gay, which you really should have seen coming when you think about it. Don’t waste your time on them. Dwayne – that kid you end up in love with for 5 years? You end up going out with him one time and HATING EVERY SECOND OF IT. Just let it go now and save yourself a really bad date. The guy from the gym is full of shit. Call him on it, as he ends up standing you up anyway.

Spend more money and time on music. You end up really loving it. And also running. Run more while your body can handle the long runs. Run a marathon or two…the feeling of accomplishment is fantastic. You will stay in great shape too.

Buy stock in Microsoft – but sell before 1998. Stay away from Worldcom stock. It will eat your soul. Apple makes money again in the 2000’s with something called iTunes. The MAC stays stable and the company really starts to do well. Start a .com business but sell quickly as you most likely won’t have a great business plan and it eventually will fall on its face. The first year it will grow like wildfire, however this will not hold. Make money and sell to the first bidder. You will thank me for this later.

You will thank me for ALL OF THIS later.


Your older, wiser, a bit beaten-up self