Things are not so bad.

Well the whole pregnant thing...a bit hard to get used to. Deathly ill one minute, starving and eating EVERYTHING in sight the next.

We had an uneventful holiday - spent time with family, held back bouts of car-sickness (which, happens even when I am NOT in the car...day or night), exchanged gifts, and had a generally good time. Our tree is now in the trash and all signs of Christmas packed away until next year. It makes the house look clean and a little bit larger. I like that.

I have become boring. Can you tell? I don't do much but hang around the house and try not to throw up, or look for new things to put peanut butter on. That is most of my day. I lie awake most of the night trying to sleep, and finally nod off around 5 am, only to have to climb out of bed shortly after. Will this go on forever???

Stupid Waiting

My inability to sleep is nothing new. My husband makes fun of this little quirk of mine. I just can’t sleep at night. I can nap my ass off during the day, but even if I don’t nap, and I am exhausted, I cannot sleep at night.

Monday night was no exception. I could not sleep Monday night. I tossed. I turned. I stared at the ceiling. I wanted to sleep – wanted the night to fly by – but it just wouldn’t. Stupid no-sleeping. I kept thinking…one of my biggest issues at night time. I was wondering how many babies were inside me. Are they alive? Are their hearts beating? Will this pregnancy actually work? What will we see tomorrow at the ultrasound? How will I handle a negative outcome? What will we do next? I was so busy worried about bad things, I didn’t have time to think about good things.

Tuesday morning arrived
V E R Y

V E R Y

S L O W L Y.

Stupid Tuesday – in NO hurry to get here at all. It was quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week. We headed out early and decided to run an errand and then stop for breakfast, because I couldn’t sit still and just wanted to get going. Even the wonderful morning sickness I was battling didn’t make me wish I were still at home. I wanted to see the baby NOW.

We waited, and waited, and…waited. We waited for what felt like forever-and-a-week in the doctor’s office. Time always goes more slowly when watched…always. Stupid time.

Finally – our turn. I have never been so happy to have THAT kind of appointment in my life. No clothing? No problem – just tell me if everything is okay. The sonogram immediately showed two sacs. Two. Two sacs, with two babies, with two heartbeats. Did I mention two? I could not have been more smiley, and it was not because of the dildocam! Twins. Wonderful, growing, heart-beating, duck-looking (yep – looked like ducks, not babies to me), perfect twins.

We are truly blessed.

Fear

I am afraid of being alone

I am afraid of raising children that learn nothing from me

I am afraid of being a failure as a mother

I am afraid of fear getting in my way

I am afraid of the unknown

I am afraid of the afterlife

I am afraid spiders

And snakes

I am afraid of pain

I am afraid of doubt

I am afraid of forever

I am afraid of giving up, which makes me try harder than anyone I know

Please STOP the Car!

6 weeks 3 days – how far along I am

3 days – how many days I have felt car sick, regardless of whether or not I am actually in a car

4 weeks – the amount of time it has been since my regular jeans have fit me

4 days – the number of days before we know many babies are churning my insides

3 – the number of times I have already thrown up today as well as the number of hours I have been awake

6 weeks – the number of weeks I get to look forward to this all-day-sickness

1cc – the amount of progesterone I am still injecting myself with every night

Unlimited – the number of days I will most likely carry around these torturous little critters in my body

Books

There is an old legal bookcase in our front room. It is old, weathered, tired looking. It is covered in scratches and paint streaks that really don’t belong on it, but somehow through the years made the bookcase their home. I love this old, junky piece of furniture. More than I can say. And, I am not entirely sure why. When I look at it I remember my mother, my childhood, my father – I remember many, many years gone by. I remember books that I read, and books that we kept in the case that I never read. I have some of those books still today – A History of Civilization, Berlin-Dahlem Gallery, A History of Painting. All books that mother had and we just kept around.

What is it about childhood things that brings back such memories? I remember looking at that bookcase years and years ago and thinking that there was nothing special about it, but I just didn’t want to part with it. I felt like it was a link to my mother, to when I was younger – yet it was only a simple wooden object. I parted with it years ago when I was divorced. My girls’ father always loved that legal bookcase and I wanted him to have it. It meant something to him and that was important to me. Now, years later, he has remarried and his new family didn’t want it any longer, so it has made its way back to me once again…and it is nice to have it back. It is like an old friend that I have not seen in a long time.

Books. Do you like books? What are the ones that you liked the best, influenced you the most, left the deepest impressions on your soul? My list looks a bit like this, although it changes daily:

• Go Dog Go, Dr. Seuss
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• Barrel Horse Racer, Elizabeth Van Steenwyk
• Happiness, Will Ferguson
• House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon
• Anything by Bill Bryson
• Golf in the Kingdom, Michael Murphy
• Anything by Robert Fulghum
• Independence Day, Richard Ford
• The Love of a Good Women, Alice Munro

And the list could go on forever. I love to read, I love thinking about the books I have read and relate them to that time in my life. It is a way to remember my past I suppose. Very much like the old bookcase in our front room.

The Entry that Never Was

I had just completed a fantastic, moving, eloquent entry about my husband's college graduation which took place last night, when all of a sudden my wireless connection decided I suck and dropped me - losing my wonderful entry and leaving me with a very white, very blank update screen. So you get this instead...

My husband graduated from school last night. He is now the proud owner of an MBA from SMU's Cox School of Business. He has worked so hard for almost 2 years - homework, studying - giving up most weekends and evening in order to finish in the shortest amount of time possible. All this while continuing to work full time and dedicate time daily to listening to my bitching and moaning (not THAT kind of moaning - sheeesh). How did he do it? I certainly wouldn't have done so well.

Congratulations baby - you made it!

Motivation Lost

Where did my desire to do more, be smarter, move ahead, grow, change, achieve go? Did it fade away when I hit 35? I have no idea…but I can’t find it. These days I am content with 10% less achieved than the day before. I would be happy to sit in the hammock all day long reading. I just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. This is difficult given the fact that I have a full time crazy-ass job which should take 18 hours a day to barely maintain. I have my regular responsibilities, and then I have an added few tidbits like a full time sales pursuit which I am leading a group on, I have financial responsibility for a very large part of our organization, I am responsible for our Six Sigma area. You name it, my boss has dumped it on me. All in addition to my regular job. RAHHHHHH (sounds of me going crazy). How do these things happen to people? Can I not say “NO”? Exactly where is my backbone? Perhaps hiding out with my motivation…

I went to the OBGYN yesterday for my first baby-related appointment. This doctor…is a riot. He talks like he is reading from a book. There is never any change in his tone of voice. All words are equally spaced and enunciated perfectly. If you ask him a question, he waits a predetermined amount of time, mentally turns to the answer in his brain-book, and proceeds to recite the answer to you. He even cracked a joke yesterday – reading style. No fluctuation in his tone of voice, no facial expressions, no hand movements. Freaks. Me. Out. I kept biting my bottom lip so that I would laugh out loud…it was difficult not to. I challenge you to try to make it through a reading session with this man and NOT laugh. Bet you can’t do it.

So Dr. Reads-A-lot said that everything appears fine – based on his very quick poking a prodding. They took some blood, handed me a stack of information and told me to return in a month when they will do pretty much the same thing. That was anti-climactic. I am so used to the dildo-cam and special attention at the RE’s office. It is hard to get used to reassurance that everything is ok based on no real interaction – and only seeing him once a month? What is up with that? I was seeing my RE every other day for a while. This might give me more time to work – but with the losing-the-motivation thing, I just don’t see that happening.

Shades of Gray

I had a glimpse into what it may feel like to be faced with miscarriage today - and I have to tell you that it shook me to the core. I cannot imagine having come through all of this, to only have this pregnancy fail now. It is such a horrible feeling and I never ever want to feel it again. Ever.

I am currently waiting for more doubling times from my earlier HCG and progesterone blood test - hoping everything comes back ok. I was not supposed to go back for anymore blood work, but ran into some issues - so here we go. They are hoping to see 2401 for a single pregnancy, and anywhere from there up to 6400 for multiples. The problems I have had could signal twins, triplets, miscarriage, or a normal everyday pregnancy. Go figure...they have THAT down to a science, don't they?

So now I wait. I wait until tomorrow sometime after noon for numbers, and then I pretend I can interpret what they mean. And then I wait until they can do a sonogram to prove that everything is okay. The doctor said that everything is too tiny to see on sonogram now, we have at least 2 weeks until it is of any use. Ugh. Hate. The. Waiting.

Happy Moments

Mommy, are you excited about being pregnant?

- 'Cause I am excited about it.


Need I say more?

The Numbers Game

I have had my second round of blood tests for the pregnancy. They call this Beta 2. Here is where I stand now:

8dp5dt (13dpo) - 127 HCG, 40 Progesterone
12dp5dt (17dpo) - 801 HCG, Progesterone not tested
Doubling time = 36.13 hours

My RE's office wanted to see an HCG of at least 504, so I am way on course. I am to return on 12/21 for a sonogram. They feel that there is a good chance that I am carrying twins still based on the numbers and doubling time..

I have an appointment with my regular OBGYN next Wednesday...maybe he will do a sonogram and I can find out earlier! I am not one for liking to wait.

Oh - and the good news...I don't have to do the horrible Progesterone shots anymore. But instead now get to use suppositories twice a day...ewww. I think that I may have liked the shots better.

Next up: who knows, I think about NOTHING but this pregnancy.

Older and Wiser

Sitting on an airplane, feeling very happy…thinking about my life, my past, my future. Thinking about this baby growing inside me and the things this new life will bring me, my family – my husband, my girls. All of the opportunities we will have to grow as a family and raise this child surrounded by love and happiness. Everything will be so different this time.

I loved my girls from the moment I knew they were on the way, but I was surrounded by insurmountable, paralyzing fear. I was so young, so poor, and most of the time alone. My husband was working and going to school full time – I was for all intensive purposes, alone. It was hard. Life was hard. Although all life is hard, that one seemed especially so.

This time around I am older, and hopefully wiser. I am open to the fact that I don’t know everything. I make mistakes, and that is okay. I don’t have to be the perfect mother – I just have to do my best. I have to stay calm, loving, and remain focused on my whole family – not just the new baby. I understand the importance of nourishing my marriage so that it continues to grow. I understand how important it is to still have individual relationships with my girls – not let them get swallowed up in the excitement of a new baby.

Older, wiser, smarter – but still a little scared. I think that is natural. Anyone who thinks they have all of this all figured out is simply fooling themselves. I cannot imagine embarking on an adventure like this and not being a little overwhelmed. Who wouldn’t?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

We played Christmas this weekend. Tree, lights, stockings, assorted useless Christmas decorations – all scattered about the house. Everything looks so nice, festive and happy. All of the extra decorations makes our house look more lived in, more loved. Have you ever noticed that about Christmas? When the tree is up and decorated, the whole house seems calm and beautiful. After the holidays, when the tree comes down, everything seems a bit empty and alone.

I enjoy looking at every ornament and remembering where it came from. I especially love the ones that my girls made years ago – with beads, wood, glue – to most people they would be nothing special – to me they are priceless. I remember my mother used to ‘oooh’ and ‘ahhhh’ over our ornaments, especially the homemade ones – and I would always roll my eyes and wish she would shut up already…now I understand. I have become my mother and I am sentimental.

My husband is going to try to get the outside done this next weekend. We have luminaries to put out and trees to wrap in hundreds of lights. I can’t wait to stand outside in the dark and look at all of the lights… I am such a sap. Which is funny – because I have always hated Christmas. I have hated winter too – until this year. I woke up one day and was happy it was cold outside. I put on a sweater and walked around smiling all day. Another sign of growing up, growing old, or becoming my mother.

Dear god, what has become of me?

I have started mentally talking to my belly. I “think” to the babies all through the day. Do you suppose that is a sign of senility? I have to wonder...I have been slowly going over the edge for weeks now. It was only a matter of time.

Yes, I said babies above. I have NO idea if there is one or two, but for the oddest reason, I am convinced that both embryos stuck and we are having twins. We will know at our first ultrasound in a few weeks, but until then I will refer to them as…well, THEM. Wouldn’t twins be the greatest gift ever? I mean, aside from a baby at all. We are so blessed – so very very fortunate to be having these babies. I can’t be happier…I couldn’t feel more complete, more happy.

Things are different this time around. When I was pregnant with my teenage daughters, I was so scared. I couldn’t imagine how I would take care of them. I couldn’t picture my life with children. I couldn’t see my husband as a father. It just didn’t fit. I hated being pregnant, I hated labor, and I hated being a stay at home mom. I couldn’t wait to go back to work…to get back to what I thought was a real life. I was so wrong.

This time, I am excited about being pregnant. I am not afraid of labor. I am not scared of taking care of a baby. I am 100% into this pregnancy. My husband is much the same. It is amazing the difference made by actually planning a pregnancy and having to work for it. We have been hoping and praying for this miracle, and now we have it. My husband…what can I say? What a wonderful father he will be. What a perfect family we will have – even when everything isn’t perfect, at the heart of it - it will be.

Will you remind me of all of this when we are trying to get two screaming babies to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time? I am sure I will forget.

I'm Pregnant

It's true. We are about to have a bigger family.

I am so very very excited!

Thanksgiving Day

This mornings verdict: still not pregnant

Surprised? I'm not. Still early. Too early to test, yet I tested anyway. I can't begine to tell you how many evil pee sticks I have gone through. I can't count that high.

I had a terrible dream last night. It involved horrible ex-in laws and an evil ex-husband. I woke up feeling horrible, had a headache, and then got to see a negative pregnancy test. This was followed promptly by crying. Yes. I have officially lost it. And why was I crying? No good reason, I can tell you that. This is just such an emotional thing we are doing. I am hopped up on hormones, my body thinks it is pregnant, even if it isn't. We are only going to do this one time, and if it doesn't work - then no baby. So much pressure. Just too much.

I just want the waiting to stop. I want to be pregnant. I want this so very bad. I found myself making deals with God in the shower this morning... "If you will please make me pregnant...."

Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I. Can't. Stop. Peeing.

Ever since I was permitted to pee, I have not stopped. Although let me explain, lest you get the wrong idea.

HPT sticks and I are developing a hate-hate relationship. They are the key to my knowing if I am pregnant. It is of course too early for them to tell me, but I keep peeing on them anyway. Why? I don't know. I feel like it is "doing something" instead of just waiting I suppose. I hate the whole 'waiting' thing. Hate it. Hate those pregnancy tests too...or did I already mention that? I told my husband that he may find me peeing on generic household items soon. The thermostat? Looks like an home pregnancy test to me! The dog should hide his bones. All objects should be put away - or I am likely to pee on them and then stare the stare of death waiting for a light pink line to show up on them.

In other news... who am I kidding, there is NO other news. There is NO news. I am 2 days past a 5 day transfer - 9 days past ovulation, and I have no news. Which as I pointed out is normal, but it is still killing me. KILLING ME.

I would tell you all that I have it out of my system and that I won't HPT tomorrow, as it won't tell me anything then either - but I would be lying. I will SO be peeing on the stick tomorrow...and as I watch the window with laser vision, and only see one line indicating 'not pregnant' - I will act surprised and pretend that I thought that there was a small chance I could know this early. I like to torture myself like that.

If I were smart - which I have clearly shown you over the past months that I am NOT - I would have waited until Thursday to test at all (just because it is Thanksgiving and how cool would it be to find out we are having a baby on THAT day?) and then I would not test again until Sunday. But now I am spiraling out of control and just can't stop the peeing... I may even run out of test before any real chance appears of finding out the truth. Of course the store is a mere block or so away and I can always buy more. After all we have spent on this, what is another 13.99 in order to save our thermostat and dog's bones from being peed on?

Please may I pee now?

It is cloudy, cool and quiet outside as we drive to the hospital. The car is full – me, the girls, my husband – all wanting to be part of this day. We arrive 25 minutes early… Are we just a little excited? I have been drinking water since 7, and already have to go to the bathroom. I decide not to go and figure I can hold it as I was told to have a partially full bladder for the transfer. We will now refer to this decision as mistake number 1.

After getting into the pre-op room and trading my lovely clothes for a gown with missing ties, we sit around and joke about the procedure, the morning, how tired the girls are, and one of the girl’s desires to watch the Dennis the Menace movie while we wait. And wait. And wait. All the while, I have to go to the bathroom…and it is getting worse.

I finally sneak to a bathroom around 8:30 – ahhhh sweet relief – only to have to go again at 8:45, just as bad. The nurse comes to get us for transfer and lets me go “a little bit” so I don’t turn green. Have you ever tried to just go “a little bit” and then stop? Yeah – well, it sucks. Bad. I went only a “little bit” and returned to the room. This decision will now be tagged mistake number 2.

My husband puts on what he referred to as his Doctor-Ware and we head to the transfer room. Not much to it – same room they did the retrieval in. It is small, fairly dark, and attached to the embryo lab. There are about 5 people I have never seen along with my doctor. The whole process took only a few minutes, but I swear it felt like hours – due to the having-to-pee issue I was facing.

All I could think about was peeing.

Doctor: Look at the pictures of your embryos

Me: I have to pee

Doctor: We are ready for the embryos

Me: Damn, did I mention that I have to pee?

Doctor: OK, now be very, very still

Me: But I have to pee

Doctor: All right, we are done

Me: Now, can I pee?

Doctor: No.

WHAT? No peeing????? What the hell is that? No peeing for an hour. A whole HOUR? I was supposed to wait a whole freaking hour to go. UMMMM – That so was not going to happen. They took us back to the pre-op room where the girls were waiting (sleeping) and told me that if I had to go to the bathroom that badly, they would let me go in 20 minutes. WHAT? 20 minutes? Do you KNOW how I feel???? I really, really, really have to pee. Really.

So I waited. I stared at the ceiling and prayed that I would be able to make it. I watched the Mighty Ducks movie that was on TV and hoped I would make it. I finally started staring at the clock, eyes watering, counting the seconds, hoping I would make it. I swear to god, I did NOT think I would make it. I have never had to go that bad, and I better never have to go that bad again. When that nurse finally showed up again and let me go, I swore I would put her on my Christmas list. I was THAT happy to see her.

To wrap it up, they transferred two “very good” 50-80 celled embryos. They were not excellent, but the doctor was pretty happy with them. The pictures they gave us look like two tiny pepperoni pizzas. So – that is what the babies are being called – pepperonis. I sure hope they are growing…and not getting all lazy like my other 2 kids.

The Evening News

Yesterday we received our daily embryo report. There are 4 considered excellent quality, 1 good, and 1 average. I of course have no idea what this all means. I just pretend that it is good news and walk around smiling. I - am an infertility idiot. I admit it. It is true.

Last night we started the Progesterone shots. They are still not as bad as the Follistim. That stuff REALLY hurt. These new ones are given in the hip muscle...with an inch-and-a-half long needle. Although they really don't hurt, they are hard to do. It is hard to see back there, and to give the shot by myself, so my husband had to help. He would have done the whole thing but I am a baby and wouldn't let him. I just couldn't stand the anticipation of waiting for him to do the shot - so I took it away from him and put it in myself - but then, I couldn't get the medicine in. So he had to do that part. What a picture of hilarity that must have been.

We then went to a movie - Friday Night Lights. Which - I loved. Football. So much aggression and intensity. Love it.

So - that is the latest for me. Husband is working on his new job - and loves it. I am working on my old job and hate it. things are rolling right along. Now - I just need to get pregnant!!!

A song for our embryos

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

A very unusual place

Don't let that scare you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's in your face

It's all around you

Well it can't go on and on forever

So let it go

And hold on tight

It's all so new

Yeah you're so green

But I'll cover you

So enjoy the view

Yeah you're so green

Until you balance on the earth to find that love

Surrounds you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's not your typical space

Just let it hold you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

Don't quit the race

Let it unfold you

Anywhere you go

I'm gonna be one step behind you

You may not know

But I'll be there

Welcome to the human race

It's a very unusual place

But that's what makes it wonderful

Now your world has just begun

You're a very unusual one

And that's what makes you beautiful

Well it can't go on and on and on forever

So let it goIt will go on and on and on forever

When you go

So hold on

Hold on

Welcome to the world oh yeah

(Green, by Sister Hazel)

Proof of Insanity

“I feel like there is a basketball in my tummy. It is hard, and round. Feel it”

“Maybe that is what they were doing to you in surgery…putting a basketball in there. Do you think they blew it up after, or put it in inflated?”

“I think they inflated it after”

“Did they use a hand pump, or just back the Hummer up to the OR and use the built in air compressor”

“They used the Hummer, of course”

“Maybe it is just a pup-tent in there”

“Maybe, but how do you think they got it set up? We can’t set up our tent in broad daylight, with lots of room”

“Well, that is why is hurts so much”

“YEAH!”

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Yesterday was Day 0. According to some info I have this is what happened:

When eggs are brought to the laboratory, they are removed from the follicular fluid, washed and placed in a nutrient solution (medium) in an incubator. The sperm is also washed and processed in such a way that many of the dead and abnormal sperm are removed, and the motile sperm are concentrated. The sperm is incubated until the afternoon. If the sperm appear normal, and there is no suggestion from the patient's history that fertilization might be a problem (e.g. unexplained infertility), the sperm are placed near the eggs, and they are incubated overnight.

So this morning, Day 1, they checked on the little social scene, and this is how things look: 6 of the eggs and sperm have paired up and are "going steady". The other 3, well they are destined to be wallflowers and have been thrown out of the program.

The couples now have 2 nuclei in the center, one from the egg and one from the sperm. They don't look like much, they don't do much...they just sit there and waste air from what I can tell.

They will decide tomorrow if they are going to do a 3 day or 5 day transfer, based on how many are still dividing. I am hoping that we end up with at least 4 great quality embryos so that we can transfer 2 and freeze 2. But - what I really want is to transfer 2, get pregnant, have twins and donate the others to science. Here is to hoping we all get what we want!

Ten Little Indians

9 eggs. They found 9 eggs on their Easter Egg Hunt this morning. I don’t know if that is fantastic…but I am happy they found some. As they were putting me under, I began singing 10 Little Indians. I don’t know why – but I did. Perhaps because I am crazy (as was established in yesterday’s post). I wanted 10, so 9 is good.

When I woke up – this is a funny story - I apparently was telling my husband that now that I have no drugs in me we can argue and I won’t cry because I am not on the Lupron anymore. He kept wishing I would shut up – since the doctor was in the room trying to ask me if I was okay – and I wouldn’t shut up and answer his questions… That is me. Yammering on about nothing while wasting people’s time.

Now we wait. There is a whole-lotta waiting in this IVF process. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. And then wait some more.

We now wait until tomorrow for them to call and tell us how many fertilized.

Then we wait for each afternoon when they call to tell us how the embryos are doing.

Then we wait until Sunday when they put them back in.

Then we wait for days and days until the beta pregnancy blood test.

Then we wait for the next beta.

Then we wait for the ultrasound so we can hear the heartbeat.

Then we wait for 11 weeks when they can do CVS to make sure there are no problems with baby (or babies).

Then we wait until 12 weeks for the cerclage.

Then we wait for me to make it to term.

Please excuse me while I go wait.

Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

I will be getting up at 4:30am tomorrow morning. Just typing it makes me sleepy. We have to leave here at 5:30 so that we can get to the hospital at 6:00. Tomorrow is the day. Yes, it is here. We are going to have these expanding, back-aching, headache inducing baby eggs taken out of me. I am so happy I could scream. But I won’t. Because it is late. And the dogs would get all crazy. And then the cat would get chased. And then there would be running and muddy paws and a dirty carpet…and I just don’t have the time or energy for the whole carpet cleaning thing tonight. So no screaming.

So – following our little adventure tomorrow, I get to go to court for round 1 of our custody battle. Drugged up. Tired. And drugged up some more. That should be fun for all. Laugh now. I won’t notice later, as I will be stressed out and drugged up.

The way we figure, we will have the embryos put back on Sunday. I just can’t believe that it is so close now. I should know by Thanksgiving if it worked. If I am pregnant. I don’t even know what to say next – I don’t want to jinx anything.

I went to the bookstore tonight. I looked at the pregnancy books and wished that I could buy them – that I had a reason to buy them now. I don’t so much care about the books, although some looked good (There was one that was called Pregnancy Sucks – so wanted that one) but it was more of me wanting to BE pregnant so bad. Right now. It is hard to be level headed about all of this. Hard to focus on things I can control and let the other stuff go. I just don’t know how to do it.

I feel like I am slowly going crazy. Although I know it is a short trip…

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

All I can think about these days is getting pregnant. It consumes my mind. This can’t be healthy, but it is…how it is. I have had more sonograms in two weeks than I had with my last pregnancy – which seems like a lot. I have had enough blood drawn that my arms now have track marks on them, and I have had a headache for pretty much two straight weeks from the drugs I am on. Oh the Lupron. Love that stuff. That drug would be great as a torture mechanism. All they need to do is promise relief from the freaking headaches and people will talk…I guarantee it.

I found out today that I don’t have to take the Lupron anymore. Did you hear me? No. More. Lupron. Oh yeah. I AM FREE. Sort of. Now, I get to stab myself with an inch-and-a-half long needle, which should be fun. Tonight I take my HCG trigger shot, and then Tuesday they are having an egg harvest. I will be hosting the party. Go me. This means that Sunday they will put back two of the strongest, healthiest embryos and I should be pregnant. That is if they implant and my body feels like being pregnant…which at this moment, with all I have done to it get to this point, would surprise me. I am not sure how my body can convince itself that being pregnant for 9 months after all this will be fun – but I am all about tricking myself into thinking it will be fun.

I have to admit that when this all started, everything seemed far away. It felt like I wouldn’t get to this point for a long, long time. Now – it is here. And, I am scared. I am scared of not getting pregnant after spending all of this money and putting so much into this – emotionally, physically. If I don’t get pregnant, and we don’t have any embryos to freeze, it is over. Our dream of more children is done. Hard to believe we are so close to that possibility.

I want to give my husband a child - want so very much for us to raise a child together. I want to do this for him, for us, for the baby we want so badly. It is hard to face the fact that God just may not have it in his plans. See, I have decided to throw it all at God. He is good at taking all of that responsibility and I don't have to be to blame if anything goes wrong. "It just wasn't God's will" - rolls off the tongue quite nicely doesn't it? Amazing how quickly I have decided that I don't mind this phrase.

No matter what happens, this is the beginning – a start to a new life for us both. One with a baby, or one without. And I guess it is exciting either way. Change and newness are good things. Planning the rest of our lives will be fun – with or without a baby. I am excited. I am scared. I am anxious. I am cautious.

I am waiting,

and waiting,

and waiting.

Graduation Time

My husband has been in graduate school since we got married. It has been pretty tough for him, and he is so happy to be done this December. He has spent many many nights and weekends studying and at class and he is happy to have it come to an end. Me too. Now we will have so much more time together! Oh - wait. No we won't.

As of today my husband also has a new, fantastic job. He has worked really hard for it, and deserves it - and I am so incredibly proud of him. But, it now means he will be doing what I call the "New Job Schmooz" He will be traveling and working long hours and dedicating a lot of time to this job, because, well - it is new. He has to prove himself, and frankly - he is excited - so he will want to work hard.

Does it make me a sucky wife because I wanted him to be at home and spend some time with me? I am jealouse of this new job. I want to be the new job. Can I be the new job? No - I guess I can't unless I want to pay him crazy money to play with me. Damn. Stupid new job.

Newsflash

My Boss,

IS AN IDIOT!!!!!!

Malpractice On It's Way

While at the RE's office this morning my husband and I started discussing a new business opportunity:

A Medical Practice for Dummies.

For Dummies, Run By Dummies.


We will be the doctors. We will be very, very successful and people will believe everything we say...because they won't know not to. And really, we fail to see where our medical professionals are relying on any real logic anyway. We can blame unexplained conditions on sunspots or Kool Aid, or even low tide. Nobody will even question it.

While being the victim of yet another sonogram, we were told that my left ovary has only produced 3 follicles. This is not very good. They would like to see more. So, this is where my husband and I decided that the reason Lefty is such a slacker is that it is on strike because I have cut it off from all caffeine and alcohol. Old Lefty is a rebel and will not tolerate inhumane working conditions. Bad Lefty. You are grounded.

Righty is doing just fine. We have 7 follicles over there. Always the over-achiever, never wanting to disappoint. Go Righty. Be the example, raise the bar, show off a little. You will be rewarded.

The kicker here? We have no control over this. My body will do pretty much whatever it wants. Period. This is the point in time where I decided that I was pretty much capable of being a doctor. No experience needed…because they can’t fix anything anyway.

See? I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

IVF Fear Factor

Episode 4003 November 8, 2004

It's a rainy, slippery day as players arrive for their first stunt. Surrounded by speculums and transvaginal sonogram equipment , the players learn they must climb onto the examining table – completely naked, and then put both of their feet into the stirrups. They must then remain completely silent and still as the doctor proceeds to do a full exam and saline sonogram. They must remain naked and exposed for at least 2 hours. Those passing this stage advance and have a shot at $50,000 in debt and maybe, just maybe, a baby. In order to keep the game going, should no contestants actually complete this task, the person that lasts the longest will get 12,000 in debt and all contestants will advance. Chance of baby = 1%

All players will of course fail and will be happy to have a second chance - but also, totally turned off by what they must do next.

In a parked car, late at night, each player must inject an HCG trigger shot, by themselves, while blindfolded. The catch? There are two trigger shots, one with the proper mix, one with Tabasco. The Tabasco is preferred as it will cause less pain. Chances of baby = .03%

After a mock transfer, the final stunt is the dreaded two week wait. The contestants will be locked in a room, surrounded by home pregnancy tests. Anyone that breaks down and uses one is immediately sent packing. There will be several diets and activities to choose from, all bearing warnings of potential miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. The first contestant to actually make it all two weeks without HPTing will be able to leave with the $50,000 in debt. Chances of baby = .00007%

Headaches and 13 Year Olds... Could There Be A Connection?

The Lupron. Oh the Lupron. The evil drug of the damned. I swear it could turn people into actual zombies. Perhaps that is what they gave those freaks in Dawn of the Dead…Lupron! This drug…oh it is so not a good drug. The headaches are my biggest complaint. Every afternoon they set in…somewhere between 2 and 4pm. They feel like someone has slammed me across the back of the head with a 2x4. It is not pleasant. Then there is the eye-ache. The kind where any light makes your eyes hurt. And noise makes the headache worse.

And then there is the crying. I am not exactly an over-emotional woman. I don’t cry at the drop of a hat. Well, I didn’t used to. Now commercials can bring tears to my eyes…no kidding! Needless to say, I am anxious to be done with the Lupron.

Tomorrow we get to start an additional drug, Follistim. Then I can have two drugs battling it out with my sanity. Wonder what fun effects come with that cocktail? Want some? Yeah – I thought not. Scared????

*******

In other news… we received a phone call this morning from our youngest daughter. She had left her pencil bag here and wanted me to bring it to her. I agreed. On the way to school at a red light, I looked in the pencil bag. It contained: 1 pencil, 1 pen, 1 blue marker, and several folded up pieces of paper. The curiosity got the best of me, and I read the notes that were in there. These notes were the reason I was taking this bag to school – so she could have these notes.

OH MY GOD. My daughter had written several love notes to a boy. And they were juicy. Now, she is 13. Way too young to be so googly over a boy in my opinion. So, I carefully wrote little memos across these notes…just to let her know I knew what she was up to. On one I wrote: “You are totally in trouble if you give this to a boy. Mom”, and on another “Stop writing notes and do your homework. Mom”, and on the two blank pieces of paper “Do not write love notes on this paper. Mom”. Yes – I am that mean. And – I happened to tell the school secretary exactly what was in my daughter’s pencil bag, and what I had done. Go me.

She will NEVER forgive me.

What if?

As I walked upstairs this morning, I heard that Kerry had conceded. Now, at the risk of being bombed or hated, I admit that I voted for Bush. I am typically pretty conservative, and I live in Texas. No other vote would have mattered, and honestly I voted for what I believe.

But – there was a tiny part of me that felt defeated. A part of me felt like it lost. I thought about it a bit and I guess I was wondering what it would be like to have another party in office now. A little part of me wondered what would change. The idea of change is fantastic! I like change. I like learning new things, meeting new people. I guess I kind of liked the idea of a new president (secretly) too. Now we are going to have 4 more years of the same old thing. Tried and true. Not much to worry about.

But I keep wondering “what if”

Yes, I Voted. No, Nobody Cares.

I should write about how I voted today, and how I feel that I have done a wonderful service for my community - for my country. But really, when you live in Texas and Bush is running for President, and the electoral votes are already promised away - your vote just doesn't count. So - I did vote, but it didn't matter...and that is why I am not going to write about it.

I am going to write about other things though. These are the things that keep me up at night, that make me pick up the phone in the middle of the day and call my husband to talk about, the things that I think of when my mind starts drifting... My kids.

I love my kids. More than I can understand myself. I love them - and I hate the fact that I am having to go through custody wars to get more time with them. Hate it. I am not even sure what I hate most. Is it when my youngest calls crying that she misses me and wants to see me? Is it when I miss something important like a playoff game for a soccer tournament because I wasn't told about it in time? Is it because I don't get report cards or important notes from school? Is it because I send their father TONS of money every month and he still can't buy them decent clothes? Is it because he still owes me money that I know I will never see? Is it because he punishes me by not letting them see me when they want? Could it be that he refuses to talk to me about anything, ever? Maybe it is because his wicked little wife pretends to be friends with everyone we have an opportunity to know, just to make me mad. Perhaps it is because I am supposed to have equal custody and we are both supposed to be raising our children, and their father just won't have any part of it....

Oh - there are so many reasons I hate all of this - I guess I just can't pick one.

Here is some good news: We have a court date for the initial custody hearing, November 16th. I found out today that my IVF retrieval could fall on that date, at that time, and they are not able to change it at all. Not by 2 hours even. They cannot tell me for sure when it will be and now I have to make a decision - reschedule the court date (for the second time and pay the attorney and look stupid on top of it) or put off IVF until next year, eating the sonogram and drug costs already invested (around $800.00). Let us not forget that I am not getting any younger, and January 2nd I will turn 37. Can I have anymore stress? Can I?

Not God's Will, My Ass

I just read this. For those of you wanting to spare yourselves the glance at the article I will post a short piece:

The world just learned that "Catholic" actress Brooke Shields is the proud mother of a new baby girl. For a long time infertility problems made it impossible for her and her husband to conceive, and after many failed attempts to conceive naturally she resorted to the technological solution: in vitro fertilization (IVF). Now she is pictured on the covers of glamorous magazines with a smiling beautiful baby girl, but some have questioned her decision to use IVF. I am one of them. Was this star wrong to have a "test tube" baby?Yes. Dead wrong.

While recognizing the pain of infertile couples and their natural desire to have a child, the Church reminds us that childbearing is a natural end of marriage, but it is not a guarantee. In the course of my ministry, I have met so many couples who were not blessed with children and humbly accepted this reality by offering their marriage for another generous end such as adoption or fostering children. I have also known couples who solved a fertility problem by prayer - yes, prayer! God is not limited by natural barriers to conception: He just wants us to find our happiness in His Will. Some couples seek happiness in something that is not overtly the Will of God and are willing to tempt God to achieve it. Brooke Shields and her husband could have humbly accepted their situation and become the national advocates for adoption instead of IVF, but they chose instead to tell God that they were going to have a child at any cost. This is both immoral and dangerous.

My analysis shows that the person who wrote this is insane. I can think of no other explanation for these words. The God I believe in does not work this way. The God I believe in would not keep someone from having a child. This God would not be responsible for miscarriages or chemical pregnancies. My God would encourange using all of our resources to accomplish our goals - in this case, use IVF to obtain pregnancy. The God that I pray to does not know this person and is embarrased by her remarks. As am I.

A Letter To My Dogs

Dear Shiner and Zieggy,

Why do you insist on playing in the mud and then sneaking in the house, only to leave huge muddy dog prints on our carpet? Is this a game that the two of you enjoy playing? Do you like to see me turn purple and yell? Do tell me, is it your love for the carpet shampoo machine that causes such behavior?

I must tell you that this little game is getting old. I don't want to play anymore. So STOP! No more of the muddy dog feet. No more of the digging in the fire ant piles. No more trampling the grass. And no more chasing each other through the house. We will have no fun here anymore.

New rules for the dogs:

• Wipe feet before entering the house
• Tread softly on all grass
• Go to the bathroom like we do - and flush
• Don't forget to wipe
• No running in the house
• No playing in the rain
• Stay inside unless you are pulling weeds or trimming the bushes
• Pull weeds and trim the bushes
• Take yourselves for walks
• Zieggy: learn to throw the ball for Shiner
• Shiner: Don't let Zieggy attack other dogs. Or People. Especially Basketball Boy.
• Zieggy: Stop trying to kill Basketball Boy. He is after all only a boy.
• Learn to fill up your own water bowl
• Please get rid of the cats

Growing Old

You can understand and relate to most people better if you look at them -- no matter how old or impressive they may be -- as if they are children. For most of us never really grow up or mature all that much -- we simply grow taller. O, to be sure, we laugh less and play less and wear uncomfortable disguises like adults, but beneath the costume is the child we always are, whose needs are simple, whose daily life is still best described by fairy tales. -Leo Rosten

My husband and I woke up this morning, excited about going to get decaffeinated coffee. Did you catch that? We were EXCITED about decaffeinated coffee. And we were, at the very same time, shocked at our excitement. When did we pass from the two people who would stay out late drinking until the wee hours of the morning into two people who think that 10:30 is pushing the bedtime limits? When did passage into middle-age occur? Nobody warned me it was coming…and yet – here it is.

After spending the day at a soccer tournament for our oldest daughter, we are now spent. Tired. Worn out. And we were not even playing. We still have our sense of humor and at least we can laugh at ourselves…but we are stunned at how easy it was to settle into this life of ours. We love our coffee, our books, our nights at home watching movies. We love our kids, our dogs (and even sometimes – our cats.) We love hanging out in the neighborhood. We enjoy our anti-social lives. We like sailing, spending time in the sun and wind. We seem to have adapted very easily to what we used to title “the boring life” and it now seems plenty full of action and demands.

We are getting older, and we like it. Is that bad?

National Lampoon's Vacation

When I was maybe 8 or 9 years old, my mom, brother and I went on a month long vacation. We drove up to new york, and starting at Niagra Falls, drove down the east Coast to North Carolina. I don't know what possessed my mother to take two kids under 12 on this trip - she must have been clinically insane.

We climbed up the rocks at the Falls. We went to Jellystone National Park and saw Yogi Bear. We went to King's Island (amusement park). We spent ENDLESS hours in the car. ENDLESS. HOURS. LONG, BORING, bad-song-singing hours. We also got into quite a few fights. Some between me and my brother. Some involved all of us.

My brother and I thought it was fun to hold up a sheet, with the windows barely opened. We would let the sheet fill up with air and it would consume the car like a giant balloon. My mother couldn't see and would yell at us to put it away. Sometimes we listened to her. We would also take a kleenex, hold it out the window and wait for a car to come up behind us. When one would get close, we would let go of the kleenex and hope that it would stick to the other car's windshield. What fun we had.

One time after a particularly bad kleenex incident involving a police man and my mother getting a written warning for littering, we were warned to sit still and look out the window. We were barely permitted to breathe. So there we sat. Looking out the window. At nothing. Grass, farms, trees, cars, cows. Wait! Cows. There were two cows. In the field. Fucking. I kid you not. I went crazy - I thought they were fighting. My brother filled me in on what they were really doing...and my mother never again told us to look out the window. Cows. Funny.

We are once again off on a vacation. This time it will be just me and my husband. Key West, here we come!

Lupron High

Well, I have started the injection drugs for IVF. The Lupron? No big deal. I have to say that I was a little creeped out the first night - not knowing what to expect made it difficult to do, but once I made it through that first shot, I am no longer scared of it. I even did the second one in my stomach instead of my leg. It only burns for a little while after the shot. The only down-side I have seen so far is the headache that sets in a few hours after the shot. It feels like someone has hit the back of my head with a 2x4. Not much fun, but not all that bad considering I can just sleep it off.

Next step is more blood work on November 2nd, followed by a sonogram on the 4th - and then I start stims - I think these are the drugs that will make all of the eggs. I have heard about some bad side effects from the next round of drugs, but I am still not scared of them. The only ones I am dreading are the progesterone shots that begin later in November.

I worry about how much this is taking over my thoughts. My youngest daughter must be worried too. Earlier today she asked me if I was going to be really, really upset if this didn't work. She said that she doesn't want me to be disappointed. She is 13! I was pretty surprised to hear her sounding like such an adult. I thought about how I will feel if this doesn't work...if the first IVF doesn't end up successful...if there are no eggs to freeze, or the frozen transfer doesn't work - and we walk away as my husband and I agreed to before starting this... I will feel like we tried. We gave it our best shot and it wasn't meant to be. And then I will move on with my life. I hope that is not too hard to do. It is difficult to make a committment like this - one to have another child - and then have to let it go.

Sailing

I Will Love You Forever

Take Me Away

Journal Prompt Hell

This is a list of potential things to write about – for a child in 3^rd grade…thought it would be funny to take a shot at it. Underlined sections are my input to the suggested writing prompts.

1. Hello. My name is Not something I am going to write here. I am now in NO grade. Today is the first day of school. Last year I learned how to travel a lot and almost stay sane. This year I want to learn how to not travel at all. I really like to complain. All the time. My favorite subject is anything someone will listen to…but it usually has to do with me. A subject I don't like is talking about my girls’ father. I hope to improve in the kind of parent I am. Something my teacher should know about me is a very odd thing to think about. If I change teacher to “someone I don’t know” then I would say that the thing some person should know about me is that I really, really, really love my children and my husband, and my goal in this life is to not hurt them in any way.

2. My list of things that interest me

Sailboats

Gardens

Dogs

Camping / Hiking

Running

3. Choose any item from the above list and write about it.

No

4. Goals for the year

Well, last year my goals were to swear less (hell yeah), get up at 5:30 every morning (what was I thinking?), spend more time with my girls (check), and read more (check). For this next year I would like to swear less (hell yes), have a baby, spend even more time with my girls – and husband, and work in the yard more…as well as stay in shape.

5. Why it's great to be a kid of ___ parents' names

My mom is dead, my dad is an ass – I won’t even go there.

6. All about baby-sitters

See this post: and this one. Nuff said.

7. How old I'd like to be and why

I like being 37. Life is good. I am happy… I don’t want to go back in time, and I don’t want to be older without being forced to go there - so 37 is a good age.

8. All about my teacher

See this entry.

9. All about Mom

My mom would have to be the person in the world I have been closest to - next to my husband. She raised my brother and I all by herself, and work all the time just so that we could grow up and be normal snotty kids. I miss you mom.

10. All about Dad

He is an asshat. Never speak of him again.

11. School days

I liked school most of the time. There were a few years I hated, like in 7^th grade at Brown Middle School. The place where we all feared for our lives. I was so scared of that place that I volunteered to work in the lunchroom so that I
wouldn’t have to go outside with the thugs at recess.

12. After school

My brother and I would stay by ourselves after school. Especially after a few very bad episodes with babysitters

13. Weekends

I would talk on the phone or spend the night at a friend’s house – from about 10 years old until I moved out at 20.

14. What I do well

Procrastinate. Well, that and pretty much any job I have ever had. Except that two week stint at McDonalds Junior year. That blew chunks.

15. Dear Mom and Dad, About my report card. . .

I am the greatest child you could ever want. Count the A’s – go ahead and try. Want to use my calculator to add them all up????

16. If I could spend an hour with (Former) President Clinton, here are some questions that I'd like to ask him.

What were you thinking?

17. Usually a day in October is designated as National Grouch Day. These are things that make ME grouchy.

Not enough sleep. Being told I am wrong (even if it is true). Being made to do someone else’s work and getting no credit for it. Working for the monetary equivalent of pond-scum.

18. Someone I'll never forget

The baby sitter when I was 5 that locked me in her basement and told me the boogy man was going to get me. I hate you, you bitch.

19. A good movie I've seen

There are so many. Every day I think of several that I claim to be my favorite. I like When Harry Met Sally, Goodwill
Hunting, Better Off Dead, American Beauty, Traffic, Mystery Alaska, Grand Canyon, The Seventh Sign, Seven, Shrek…. Yes, I can go on with this ALL DAY.

20. Ten things I want to accomplish by time I'm 40 years old

Oh dear god – that is in like, 3 years! I have more than 10…but I would have to say in 10 years...before I am 50: I want to have another child, watch mine learn to drive, go to college, maybe get married. I want to get a new job that I love, maybe finish college, build a sailboat. I want to move to Austin, have a house built in the country, get horses. I would love to go to Mexico and the Dominican Republic. I want to own my own business, pay off debt, start saving money. I want to be a better person, better mother, better wife. I want to write a book, contribute to a magazine, and publish photography. I want to be smarter, wiser, nicer…

21. America's greatest athlete

Lance Armstrong

22. America's greatest actor/actress

I am a fan of Renee Zellweger, Tom Hanks, Andy Garcia, Clint Eastwood, Steve Martin – many of them are quite good in different films.

23. The most important invention of all times

The toilet

24. Ten things that make me happy

Dogs, sunshine, summer, my girls, my husband, Texas, vacations, Halloween, 4^th of July, coffee.

25. Ten things that make me cry

Depends on the time of the month… could be anything. My mom, cancer, loss of family members, when my children are hurting, when I miss my girls, when I hurt someone I love

26. Getting up in the morning

Makes me grumpy.

27. All about our school principal/director

I will use My Boss. And since I don’t talk about work here as I said earlier, I won’t tell you that I hate him.

28. All about our school headmaster/superintendent

I will use my boss’s boss. See above.

29. My favorite month of the year

June – summer and my wedding anniversary.

30. Holiday vacation

Halloween…just for kids and always fun.

3l. A list of my favorite foods

Pasta, pizza, coffee, alcohol.

32. A list of my favorite TV programs

I tend to watch a series on DVD rather than on TV – but I like Alias, Scrubs, Northern Exposure (yes, I know it is old). I liked the first two seasons of 24. I am addicted to Fear Factor (shut up – I like watching people eat bugs)

33. My list of things I'll NEVER do

It is dangerous to say you will NEVER do anything – because Murphy will stick you in a position where you have no choice but to do it – and you end up looking like an ass.

34. My list of 10 things that should be changed

No taxes for me (screw the rest of you). Equal custody should mean equal visitation. More humane way of issuing the death penalty. Allow people to ask to be put to sleep when they are tired of living. All companies have to fund ongoing education for their employees. Overtime for salaried employees should be against the law. Less traffic in my town. Carbs should not be bad for you – and should HELP you lose weight. Alcohol should be like vitamins – encouraged and sold everywhere. Fat should be the preferred way to look. Exercise should be banned.

35. My list of things I just don't understand

I don’t understand lots of things – most of them are political in nature. I tend to get so far behind in a subject that I never quite figure out what is going on in the world.

36. My list of things I'll never forget

More fun is my list of things I always forget – and then wish I had them with me…such as my keys when I am getting ready to leave. My wallet, when I am checking out at the store. My badge when I am going to work out. My ID when I am going to work. My laptop cord when I am going to work from home. My cell phone when I am leaving the house. My keys when I shut the car door….

37. My list of things that everyone should try at least once

Joining the Mile High Club. Camping. Boating.

38. I wish . . .

For everyone to be as lucky as I have been in life. I wish for all people who want kids (and will try to love them to the
best of their ability) - to be able to have them. For all children to be loved. To be remembered fondly when I die. To do something great in my lifetime. To witness a miracle. To help my community. To be a good person.

39. My list of 10 crazy reasons I didn't do my homework

I never used these, but like them: I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. My dog ate it. My cat ate it. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload. I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked. The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box. I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

40. My reasons that everyone should have a pet

You can blame smelly farts on them. They are nicer than people. The always love you.

41. My list of the most important reasons for going to school

To get a better job. To make more money. To meet new people. To be smarter.

42. All about my first day in kindergarten or preschool

I don’t remember my first day in kindergarten – but I remember one time when a friend of mine stapled her finger to her paper.

43. My holiday wish list

A pony, a baby, a silver diamond solitaire necklace, books, DVDs, running shorts and shirts (T shirts), music, leather coat.

44. My list of things worth saving

Anything my husband or children have ever given me. Magazine article covering our wedding. Pictures from years gone by. My piano.

45. 10 people I'd like to meet

(some are no longer alive) George Sheehan, my biological parents, God, Einstein, Bill Bryson, Charlie Manson, Bill Gates before he became rich.

46. 10 people I would NOT like to meet

Clinton, my dad, Lucifer (if he is real), any serial killer out on the streets, myself as a 15 year old teenager - dear god I was a mess, a very mad bear, any racist, a pack of wild wolves, my biological parents (yes, I am conflicted), myself at the end of my life - having accomplished nothing

47. Field trips

Any bar. The Zoo. Art museums. Marinas.

48. Hints on how to get good grades

Study for Christ sake. That, or cheat. They would both work.

49. Predictions for the future

Work will always be less fun than not working. Politics will remain confusing. Florida voters will always be stupid. Dogs will never rule the world. Cats do not and will never rule either. The mail will never be on time.

50. What I do when I'm bored

Surf online.

51. My favorite holiday

Halloween or 4^th of July.

52. How I feel about my name

Hate it.

53. A planet I might like to visit

Have no interest in leaving Earth.

54. Dad's angry. Here are five reasons why

Who cares?

55. If I could plan a dinner menu, this is what I'd like to have

Stuffed artichokes, spinach stuffed chicken, salad.

56. Things that scare me

The unknown. Failure.

57. Dreams

Everybody should have them.

58. Complaints

I should do less of this. If you have any about me, I don’t care.

59. Jokes

We can never have enough jokes. LEAVE YOUR FAVORITE FOR ME TO READ PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

60. I could never live without . . .

My husband.

6l. TV or radio commercials that I like

I don’t – they are a waste of my time.

62. TV or radio commercials that I dislike

All of them.

63. I look forward to . . .

Vacations, date night, days with my girls.

64. I admire people who . . .

Have no regrets, and those that can put up with me.

65. The best thing that happened recently is . . .

I finally am out of my funk and appreciate the life I have.

66. Things that make me laugh

Great jokes. SEND ME SOME.

67. What makes me special or unique

My name. My crazy love for something one moment and hate the next…for instance, vegetarian to Atkins lover
within days.

68. The 10 commandments for my husband or wife

Thou shalt love thy wife no matter what

Thou shalt always have date night

Never under any circumstances say mean things

Thy wife is always right

Thou shalt never think your wife is fat

Or bitchy

Thou shalt buy her flowers. A lot.

Thou shalt LOVE her cooking

And think her ideas are fantastic

And always agree that pedicures are necessary

69. This story in the news concerns me the most

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2004-10/21/content_2121232.htm

70. Things that are valuable or precious to me

Picture of my mother, my girls’ baby pictures, my wedding pictures, my wedding ring, husband, girls, pets, health of
my loved ones.

71. My favorite vacation

Either the trip we took to St. Croix with the girls or my honeymoon in Greece.

72. The most interesting sporting event I've seen

NOT curling. Or Cricket.

73. The best thing I've ever found

My sanity - about a month ago.

4. My favorite relative

I have NONE on my side...but I love my husband's mom and dad.

75. Sometimes I like to be alone

More often than most people I think.

76. If I were in charge of peace

I would give it a chance?

77. If I had a million dollars

I would buy you a monkey – you always wanted a monkey.

78. If I had magical powers

I would make everyone in the world content.

79. If I were the teacher of this class

OK – don’t know what to do with this one. Send everyone home early?

80. A place I'd like to live

In the woods, far far away from people. That – or Austin

81. A list of my favorite books

Atlas Shrugged. The Fountainhead. Anything by George Sheehan. Anything by Robert Fulghum. Anything by Bill Bryson.

82. My list of movies to avoid

The Thin Red Line, Taxi Driver, Snow Falling on Cedars, Four Rooms

83. Ten book characters to invite to a party

Dracula, Charlotte (from Charlottes web), The Mad Hatter, The Scarecrow, Babe (the Blue Ox), Frodo, Harry Potter,
Christopher John Francis Boone from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, John Gault, Jesus

84. The best parts of going to this school are . . .

I will assume we mean my work…and there is nothing good about it – except that I DO get paid…

85. Pet peeves

Adults that talk like children, fighting without cause, people that don’t know what they believe in, yelling at children.

86. Things that drive me batty

Stupid people

87. Things I'll do when I'm 16 years old

Been there, don’t want to go back. Things I did do at 16: Broke my arm, skipped school and went to the beach, got my first real job, drank coffee for the first time, babysat overnight for my godparents

88. Don't you just love it when . . .

I update?

89. Don't you just hate it when . . .

I don’t?

90. When I'm a parent I will/will not let my child . . .

I don’t let my children put down any race, religion, or group of people. Ever.

91. All about Halloween

FUN FUN FUN – candy, kids, cute kids, late nights, scary movies, decorations, parties, chocolate

92. The best Halloween was . . .

My oldest daughter’s first… we dressed her up as a dalmation and took her to the neighbors for candy…so fun.

93. All about Christmas/Hannukkah

I hate Christmas. I don’t know anything about Hanukkah but imagine I would feel the same about it – too commercialized.

94. I am thankful for these hands that hold . . .

The ability to shape my children’s future. The ability to hold their hand, wipe the hair from their eyes, help them with their homework… cook them dinner, and hug them tight.

95. These feet have been to so many places

And they are tired.

96. My heart belongs to

My family.

97. "Itis" sufferers:

I have no itis.
Except maybe workitis.

98. I wish my mom would . . .

Be alive again.

99. I wish my dad would . . .

I really wish nothing about him. Ever.

100. Why are you lucky?

I am lucky to have a family that loves me

101. Commands from Mom and Dad (to my girls)

Pick up your room. Do your chores. Be nice to your sister. Do NOT talk back. Do what your dad says – unless you don’t feel like it. If your step-mom tells you to do something, do whatever you want. Study hard. Have fun.

102. Someday . . .

I will grow up.

103. If I could go back in time . . .

I wouldn’t

104. Things might be different in the year 2020. . .

Or they may be the same ol’ shit.

105. My dreams for America

That we don’t fuck up the world so much that there isn’t much of our country left.

106. Happy memories

Are those made with people you love.

107. My old teddy bear (or any stuffed animal)

Was Wesley the Weasle. He was pink. I still have him. He has been through a lot over the years.

108. How to survive in school

Don’t pick fights. Make a few good friends. Learn from the good teachers.

109. Talking on the telephone

Should not be your main goal in life.

110. Year end thoughts

Damn – this last year was hard.

111. Slight irritations

People coming to the door, or calling for money

112. New Year's Resolutions

Make next year better. And everything in # 4

113. Advice for younger students

Be cool – stay in school. If your parents are paying for college, by all means, go!

114. "Why" list

Why are people such bad drivers? Why do dog farts smell so bad? Why is work never fun? Why is it so hard to be a grown up? Why is money such a big deal? Why do people feel sad? Why is our government such a farce? Why is there poverty? Why are people lazy? Why are we mean sometimes?

115. The best things in life are . . .

…just waiting for you to discover them

116. I am smiling today 'cuz . . .

Every day with my husband gets better and better…and it is almost Friday – and after that – VACATION!!! Oh yeah
baby…vacation.

117. It's a new semester! I will . . ., I will not. . .

I will wish I were in school, but I will not actually be there yet – too expensive and no time.