Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

All I can think about these days is getting pregnant. It consumes my mind. This can’t be healthy, but it is…how it is. I have had more sonograms in two weeks than I had with my last pregnancy – which seems like a lot. I have had enough blood drawn that my arms now have track marks on them, and I have had a headache for pretty much two straight weeks from the drugs I am on. Oh the Lupron. Love that stuff. That drug would be great as a torture mechanism. All they need to do is promise relief from the freaking headaches and people will talk…I guarantee it.

I found out today that I don’t have to take the Lupron anymore. Did you hear me? No. More. Lupron. Oh yeah. I AM FREE. Sort of. Now, I get to stab myself with an inch-and-a-half long needle, which should be fun. Tonight I take my HCG trigger shot, and then Tuesday they are having an egg harvest. I will be hosting the party. Go me. This means that Sunday they will put back two of the strongest, healthiest embryos and I should be pregnant. That is if they implant and my body feels like being pregnant…which at this moment, with all I have done to it get to this point, would surprise me. I am not sure how my body can convince itself that being pregnant for 9 months after all this will be fun – but I am all about tricking myself into thinking it will be fun.

I have to admit that when this all started, everything seemed far away. It felt like I wouldn’t get to this point for a long, long time. Now – it is here. And, I am scared. I am scared of not getting pregnant after spending all of this money and putting so much into this – emotionally, physically. If I don’t get pregnant, and we don’t have any embryos to freeze, it is over. Our dream of more children is done. Hard to believe we are so close to that possibility.

I want to give my husband a child - want so very much for us to raise a child together. I want to do this for him, for us, for the baby we want so badly. It is hard to face the fact that God just may not have it in his plans. See, I have decided to throw it all at God. He is good at taking all of that responsibility and I don't have to be to blame if anything goes wrong. "It just wasn't God's will" - rolls off the tongue quite nicely doesn't it? Amazing how quickly I have decided that I don't mind this phrase.

No matter what happens, this is the beginning – a start to a new life for us both. One with a baby, or one without. And I guess it is exciting either way. Change and newness are good things. Planning the rest of our lives will be fun – with or without a baby. I am excited. I am scared. I am anxious. I am cautious.

I am waiting,

and waiting,

and waiting.