Infant Product Reviews

Soho Parent Protectors (Whiz Kid) – you have rescued me from many pee incidents.

Milacon – what a wonderful toot-reducer you have been, allowing for many tummy-ache-free afternoons. I love you so.

Bibs – you have saved many many clothes changing fiascos into simple bib-removal occasions and for that, I thank you. Without you, oh wonderful bib, my life would be full of babies with wet collars and little sleep (due to me jostling them awake after eating and falling peacefully asleep only to change them, causing spitting up on the newly applied garment anyway)

Carseat – for you go in the car. The place where screaming-until-mommy-wants-to-throw-it-out-the-window baby sits while falling asleep at 1:00am in the moving car. And thank god for that. Drop to your knees and thank God right now – because the car seat thingy that goes in the car has saved my sanity.

Baby Einstein Activity Gym (Tummy Time Mat) – you bring me such amusement watching my babies flail about on you. A+ for the entertainment factor.

Little Noses Saline Spray – without you my boys would be bugger-monsters without the ability to breathe. And although they appear to hate you, don’t let it rub you the wrong way…you are oh so good for them. Plus you keep me from being the mommy that picks her babies’ noses. Ewww I hate those kinds of mommies.

Huggies and Luvs - All disposable diapers are NOT the same. You guys suck. Luvs suck because they have no elastic around the waist and pinch when you sit baby up to burp. Ditto for Huggies. And why are all diaper brands not the same freaking size? It is like shoe shopping for adults…

Playtex Vent Air Bottles – Oh Playtex, could you have invented a bottle with any more pieces? And – why did you create a bottle that cannot be used in a bottle warmer? Playtex people have never tried to keep an infant quiet for 15 minutes while dinner warms in a bowl of hot water!

Wind-up crib mobiles –Each and every one of you should be ashamed. Even the cute ones. Hello carpel tunnel syndrome…and if I have to hear that goddamned Twinkle Twinkle Little Star one more time, I will be brought up on murder charges.

Nutramagen formula – oh dear god, what on earth are you made of – cow manure? You. Smell. Like. Shit. No kidding… and why are you freaking expensive. Cow manure is cheap – just check with Home Depot. About a buck a bag. Seriously.

Tylenol – why do you promise possibilities of causing sleepiness when all you appear to do is rev up our little ones? Tease.