Another Day

I am faced daily with so many decisions, so many issues, so much to think about. I do it to myself though - lead myself to these types of days. I don't know why.

Recently my husband and I were talking - or rather he was talking and pointing out that I don't talk. Ever. At least not about anything important. And, I agree. I am sometimes able to scramble through decisions, but I don't talk about them. I just have all these feelings inside and don't know how to turn them into words. Why is that?

Why is it so difficult for me to say things that I am feeling? I internalize everything until I get sick or can't take anymore. Is this how most people handle pressure? Am I broken?

I, of course, am directed to what is causing all of this stress, pressure, unhappiness - and there are a million things and yet not very many all at the same time. I have a horrible job. It is difficult and there is barely any way to succeed at it. It takes a lot of time - more than I have - and is a constant nagging in my ear.

I have a lot of guilt for past decisions and am constantly thinking about how I ended up with so little time with my girls. I look at them and feel so much love for them, and can't bare to see them leave when they go back to their dad's house. I feel like I am missing so much of their lives...like I have already missed so much. I cry just thinking about them. That can't be normal.

I have such high expectations for marriage, and yet appear to give so little to make mine good. I don't understand what is happening to me and why this is all so hard lately. I feel like I can handle anything most of the time - but lately nothing seems easy. He is my friend - one of my only friends. This makes it hard to handle things about our relationship that are causing me concern or that make me feel funny. I just feel like I have left myself without someone to talk to...

I spend so much time trying to make other people happy, worrying about how I am affecting them, what my decisions do to other people, that I don't think about what makes me happy - and that makes me sad.