The Unplanned Event – Part III

So, our boys were here. Small. Tiny. Unbelievable that they could even exist at such a size. But, they were here and I was no longer pregnant. My husband went with the boys and watched them in the nursery. They were put on ventilators to help them breathe and Surfactant was put in their lungs to help them hold the air in. They were hooked up to more tubes and monitors and sensors than you would think possible.

4 hours later, Cole was breathing room air and the vent was removed. Remarkable really. Roark followed a few hours later when he pulled the ventilator tube out of his throat – he didn’t much like it and wanted it gone. They were breathing on their own before 12 hours had even passed. That was the first step.

They have continued to do well. 3 days old and they are drinking breast milk, breathing well – although they do need oxygen to help them keep their heart rate and breathing up. They have lost weight, but should begin to grow over the next few days now that they are eating.

Last night I was able to hold Roark. They have this program called “Kangaroo Care” where the parents are supposed to hold the babies skin to skin (they put the babies under your shirt) for at least an hour a day. So yesterday was day one for Roark. It was amazing – like I was a real mom, for only a brief moment – but I was so happy. Today both my husband and I held the babies – he held Roark and I held Cole. We even changed their itty-bitty-teeny-tiny diapers. Daddy’s first diaper – and he was amazing. Daddy’s first time holding his baby, and it was amazing. I have never seen him happier. He was gentle and sweet and talked to boys with an absolute sparkle in his eyes. He is going to be the best daddy ever.

We are waiting for the end of the week when they will do brain scans and heart scans to determine what kind of damage they have suffered because of such an early birth. We were warned that they could have a hole in their heart, brain hemorrhages, lung development problems – many things that are still undiscovered – but we are praying that everything continues to go well and that they are healthy and grow well.

When I was discharged from the hospital today and we headed home, I felt as if I had left my heart there. It feels so horrible to come home without them. I am no longer pregnant – no longer feeling them move inside me. I am now fat – not pregnant. And I am at home – without our babies. It is emotional, and difficult, and to be honest – it stinks. I know that they need to be there. I know that they need this special care – but I cannot stop blaming myself for this early delivery and all of the pain our boys face.

I miss my babies.