So Much in My Head

Do you ever get tired of writing about your day and wish you could come up with profound, interesting, soul-searching ideas instead? I know that I do. I looked back at my older writing and it seems as though it was so much more interesting. Apparently sadness makes for better writing. The entries from almost a year ago, when I was having some tough times, seem much more introspective and emotional. I was actually writing about how I felt – how I REALLY felt about things. Why has all of that changed?

Now all I write about is pregnancy and babies and pregnancy some more. My mind doesn’t settle on serious things very well now. I am spacey. I am “light-headed”. I am consumed by the thought of babies entering our world. How will they affect my marriage? How will they change me? What kind of parent will I be with the boys? Will my husband still like how I look? Will we be as close as we were before IVF? Will the girls be happy with the babies – will they look forward to spending time with us still? Will the dogs behave? Will the cats scratch them, or try to climb in their beds? Did I buy the right things? What have I forgotten? Will they be born early and have to spend time in NICU? If so, will they be OK? Will I be OK? Will I end up with pneumonia again, too sick to even hold the babies? What will they look like? Will they like me? Will I have a natural birth or a C-Section?

See – there is a lot going on in my mind, but I don’t express it well these days. I think perhaps there is TOO much going on in there to make sense of any of it.