The Unplanned Event – Part III

So, our boys were here. Small. Tiny. Unbelievable that they could even exist at such a size. But, they were here and I was no longer pregnant. My husband went with the boys and watched them in the nursery. They were put on ventilators to help them breathe and Surfactant was put in their lungs to help them hold the air in. They were hooked up to more tubes and monitors and sensors than you would think possible.

4 hours later, Cole was breathing room air and the vent was removed. Remarkable really. Roark followed a few hours later when he pulled the ventilator tube out of his throat – he didn’t much like it and wanted it gone. They were breathing on their own before 12 hours had even passed. That was the first step.

They have continued to do well. 3 days old and they are drinking breast milk, breathing well – although they do need oxygen to help them keep their heart rate and breathing up. They have lost weight, but should begin to grow over the next few days now that they are eating.

Last night I was able to hold Roark. They have this program called “Kangaroo Care” where the parents are supposed to hold the babies skin to skin (they put the babies under your shirt) for at least an hour a day. So yesterday was day one for Roark. It was amazing – like I was a real mom, for only a brief moment – but I was so happy. Today both my husband and I held the babies – he held Roark and I held Cole. We even changed their itty-bitty-teeny-tiny diapers. Daddy’s first diaper – and he was amazing. Daddy’s first time holding his baby, and it was amazing. I have never seen him happier. He was gentle and sweet and talked to boys with an absolute sparkle in his eyes. He is going to be the best daddy ever.

We are waiting for the end of the week when they will do brain scans and heart scans to determine what kind of damage they have suffered because of such an early birth. We were warned that they could have a hole in their heart, brain hemorrhages, lung development problems – many things that are still undiscovered – but we are praying that everything continues to go well and that they are healthy and grow well.

When I was discharged from the hospital today and we headed home, I felt as if I had left my heart there. It feels so horrible to come home without them. I am no longer pregnant – no longer feeling them move inside me. I am now fat – not pregnant. And I am at home – without our babies. It is emotional, and difficult, and to be honest – it stinks. I know that they need to be there. I know that they need this special care – but I cannot stop blaming myself for this early delivery and all of the pain our boys face.

I miss my babies.

The Unplanned Event – Part II

So babies were on the way. I was in the operating room, my husband by my side. I had wanted to be put to sleep, but the risk was too great for the babies for the doctors to take any chances – so epidural it was. Very unpleasant. I preferred the pain of contractions to any needles in my back, but for them to cut me open would require serious drugs, and this was the method forced on me.

I wondered when they were going to start, and then I smelled something burning. Guess what? It was me. They had already begun and were using a cauterizing thingy (yes, technical term), which the anesthesiologist thought made it smell like a barbeque. I don’t know what they cook in his backyard – but my god, the horrible burning flesh smell! I was sleepy, scared, scared some more, and did I mention scared? I wanted the babies to be all right…but it was so early for them to be born. I was running through all of the problems they told us we might face and blamed myself for being in labor so early.

I shouldn’t have planted those flowers yesterday. I shouldn’t have vacuumed that room a few days ago. I should have called the doctor the night before when I had the bad headache. I should have been lazier. I should have, I should have, I should have…

At 4:09pm Roark Cameron Kindsfather entered the world weighing in at 3lb, 1oz.
At 4:10pm Cole Easton Kindsfather entered the world weighing in at 2lb, 11oz.

Both very tiny. Both crying. Both amazing. Absolutely amazing. They were breathing and crying, and I kissed them, told them I loved them, and watched them be whisked away. It was sad to see them leave, it was not a normal birth – and I didn’t know when I would see them again.

The Unplanned Event – Part 1

Friday morning arrived after a night of fitful sleep and a pounding headache, leaving me feeling nauseas and exhausted. As I was standing in front of the sink, thinking about brushing my teeth – I felt water running down my legs. Holy shit – water…running down my legs. And, it didn’t stop. Not until much later that day anyway. After determining that my water had ‘broken’ (as if that took a rocket scientist) and calling the doctor – we headed to the hospital to determine our fate.

The monitor showed contractions every 2-3 minutes, which I was not really feeling. Perhaps I wasn’t noticing because I was in a state of shear panic. “OHMYGAWD – I am only 29 weeks 3 days – I CANNOT have babies today” is all that I could think. The doctor showed up and announced that the cerclage needed to be removed. More panic set in. I was worried that the contractions would continue and they wouldn’t be able to stop them. I was hoping for a few weeks at least before they would have to deliver. The doctor said he would be happy if we could get three days, but he wasn’t confident. The room was spinning

They started me on magnesium sulfate (such a bad, bad drug) to calm the labor and removed the cerclage. As soon as the stitch was out the doctor announced that I was 3cm dilated and 70% effaced – and he then said we would wait and see how I did over the next few hours. They gave me another steroid shot to help with the boys’ lung development, and we waited. I contracted. A lot. A whole lot. It started to get fairly intense, and one hour after being checked, the doctor came back and told us that I was now 5cm dilated and 85% effaced, and he was not going to be able to stop labor. “Holy shit, not today – please not today” was all I could think. Which of course did NO good.

From here, things went pretty quickly:

We were told that a C-Section would be done – within the hour.

The Anesthesiologist came in to start the epidural.

The Neonatologist came in to scare the hell out of us prepare us for possible complications with the boys after they were born.

I cried quietly, worried about the boys and angry at myself for not doing a better job of staying pregnant.

My husband became excited and anxious. He decided since we had no choice, that he was going to enjoy the event and became very, very happy about meeting our two new family members. I tried to be excited, but played the role of Scared Mamma much better.

And then, they wheeled me back for surgery.

Variety

Are you wondering if I can write about anything but being pregnant? If you are, the answer is NO.

Sorry for Myself

29 weeks – and all is slowly declining. I had a sonogram with my Peri and a regular OB appointment today…and all signs point to “not much longer”. My Peri actually freaked out that I am still pregnant…which cracks me up. He said “wow, you are still pregnant” and I laughed. And he said “no – I am serious, you are still pregnant – wow”. How much confidence does that stir up in you? Yeah – me too. Babies are growing FAST. They have gained a pound in 3 weeks. They are 2lb 14 oz, and 3 lb 2 oz. They have healthy heartbeats and are doing wonderful. My cervix however is being put in time out. It has shortened to about 2.5 centimeters…which he was not happy about. That mixed with the bloody discharge and continuing contractions are reason to make them both think that I won’t be pregnant in a couple weeks for my next sonogram.

My OB checked my cervix and didn’t say much, other than he would be happy to get me to 32 weeks – when his earlier goal had been 34 weeks. He isn’t confident that I will make it much more. I am measuring like a 39-week pregnant woman – HUGE. I have grown a ton in a week according to him…and yet I have not gained a single pound this month at all. That puts me at 30 pounds since I became pregnant. My doctor said that I will be very close to pre-pregnancy weight when I leave the hospital…which would be nice, but I am not sure I believe him. My ass – it is so big.

We also discussed how they will handle the next few weeks and my delivery. If I have more contractions than acceptable, or my water breaks they will leave the cerclage in and start giving me magnesium sulfate to calm the contractions. They will also give me antibiotics and most likely keep me hospitalized until I deliver. They will not take the babies if my water breaks until infection sets in – so I could get a week or two even after that happens which would allow for more steroids for their lungs.

I will be having a C-Section. My Peri will not let me even try to deliver vaginally because 1) they are twins 2) they will be little 3) I have had a previous C-Section and he is concerned about ruptured uterus and 4) Baby A is breach and B is transverse. He will also not put me to sleep and insists on a spinal block, which I don’t want. I hate the whole needle-in-the-back thing. I have had an epidural and a spinal and both times I was so incredibly sick that I regretted them. Shaky, vomiting, dizzy, low blood pressure, blacked out – horrible experiences. But they don’t want to put me to sleep because it is risky for me and the babies – unless it is an emergency and they have to get them out in less than a minute…then they have no choice and the risk is the only way to save the boys. Creepy. So I won’t be getting what I want out of the delivery. I won’t be able to lift my babies when they are born, and I won’t recover as quickly. I am feeling very very sorry for myself.

Forgetfulness

I woke up early this morning, ate a bit, took a shower, got the girls up, and headed to the doctor…only to find out that my appointments are tomorrow. Both of them. I somehow managed to mix up TWO appointments. Amazing really. The girls made all kinds of fun at me – and rightfully so. I am a spacey pregnant women with no hope of recovering. Now I get to do all of that again tomorrow. Watch me forget about my appointment and miss it. That would be classic.

I am pretty darn sick of being pregnant right now. I am huge. My girls laugh when they see me every morning, swearing that I have grown overnight. Bending over is hard. Breathing is hard. Sleeping is truly distressing event. Existing is difficult at best. And then there is this baby – Baby B (who shall be named Roark) – who thinks that right under my right lower ribs is the PERFECT hiding place…and he won’t stop trying to burrow up in there. My ribs on the right are so sore that I swear he is slowly breaking them with his head. Why won’t he go somewhere else? Why, why, why? He doesn’t fit there and it is driving me CRAZY! The other baby – Baby A (who shall be named Cole) – is very low and enjoys kicking my cervix – which compared to rib-breaking is welcomed and appreciated. I can only imagine that this kicking and hurting will get worse as time goes on.

Tell me – who in their right mind enjoys the pregnancy part? And if one truly exists that claims to like this, what are they thinking? Even in a low-risk “normal” pregnancy you are faced with gastrointestinal problems, heartburn, weight gain, forgetfulness, weird skin, raging emotions, constipation, throwing up…and the list goes on. What is FUN about ANY of that? What kind of lives do these Happy Pregnant People lead normally that pregnancy seems so wonderful? Dear god, what a nightmare.

So as you can clearly read, I am fed up today and if these babies were not so little still I would totally coax them out with promises of sports cars and money.

Brown Thumb

I love roses. I enjoy working in the yard and I absolutely love flowers. My mother used to be fantastic with roses – spent much of her summer taking care of dozens of them in our back yard. She knew exactly how to water, feed, prune, even talk to them to get them to grow the most amazing flowers. I unfortunately inherited the love for the flower, but not the green thumb to actually nurture it. We decided to plant rose bushes in our back yard, but they truly are a sad sight. The best season they had was last summer when I WAS NOT HERE. How bad is that? I am here, they suffer. I leave, they thrive. Nice.

Today we put down more potting soil and mulch and I have properly pruned them and fed them and yelled at them – so they better grow, damnit. We have also planted some dark purple flowers in the front, which are doing surprisingly well – although I do have to water them every day and talk to them and pick the dead flowers off, and keep the dog from peeing on them when we are outside together…which is a challenge. Why are pretty plants so enticing to dogs? Why must they spread their acid-laden urine all over my plants? Do they not know how difficult it is for me to grow ANYTHING when all of the stars are aligned?

Speaking of dogs that are a pain in the ass – we also have a grass issue in our yard – due to the dogs. They like to run back and forth against the fence and bark at the neighbor and the trash man, and of course basketball boy. By doing this, they have created a nice little (HUGE) path of dirt upon which nothing will grown. They have managed to even scare away the weeds – which are usually afraid of nothing. So I decided to put up one of those orange plastic construction fences to keep them out of that area so that grass can grow and we can be rid of the dirt. Sounds good in theory, however our Great Dane mix is large and jumps like a gazelle, so it is not even a small challenge for him. He just thinks for a brief moment, and hops right over. Our Lab is not graceful, but he is large – so he just pushed right through the fence, tearing it down. Big Oaf. That was money not-well-spent. We most likely are going to end up putting sod down because we cannot keep the monsters out of the area. Wonder if that will grow? Doubtful.

Stupid yard. Stupid flowers. Stupid brown thumb.

I am in HELL

Our downstairs air conditioner is NOT working. A year ago? No big deal. Now? HUGE DEAL. I am typically cold-natured. I ALWAYS have a jacket or a blanket wrapped around me. My perfect temperature is around 83-90 degrees with sunshine. Otherwise I have goose bumps. I am odd that way. Normally. Now that I am pregnant I am HOT. So HOT. All the time.

Last night when we realized that the downstairs was 81 degrees, I had been sitting here thinking “damn, it is hot in here” and wondering what was wrong with me. The only relief was when we went to get ice cream and had the air conditioner in the car on 64 degrees – pointed straight at me. My daughter was COLD. I was still HOT. Coming home was a nightmare. And – since it is the weekend, we can look forward to this nightmare continuing until Monday when we can have someone look at the broken-ness that is our downstairs air conditioner. Damn, damn, damn.

Luckily, the upstairs one worked well last night and I was able to knock it down to 70 through the night. I woke up feeling great. Chilly, well rested, and not sweaty hot or evil. It was nice. But now, back downstairs it is rising to 80 again and will most likely hit the 90’s in here because we live in the center of HELL. OK – it is Texas, and not hell – but really, who can tell the difference in this heat?

Happy

Last night for the first time I can honestly say that I felt excited about the boys being here.

I was in bed (not sleeping, as usual) and started thinking about what our life will be like with two little people joining us – and wow what a wonderful feeling. Suddenly, in a flicker of time, I went from feeling overwhelmed and a bit scared to calm, content, and happy. What a nice feeling.


Now if I could only sleep!

Not Much Going On...

I did not make cookies. I did not even make dinner. I went to McDonalds and raised my cholesterol 2 billion points instead. And, I must say that it was worth it. I ended up watching American Idol and House…not exactly an accomplishment. I did fold and put away laundry, so I have that going for me. Which is nice.

Today I have done about as much as yesterday, meaning I have done nothing. I couldn’t sleep last night – until around 5 this morning, so I ended up in bed until almost ten. I then walked around the block to ease the heartburn that was creeping up on me and decided a shower was in order. That is it. There is no more. I have done NOTHING else. I have a doctor’s appointment in a few hours so I guess I need to actually get dressed and eat lunch, and drink a gallon of water so that they don’t bitch at me (about that anyway). I am sure I will get a lecture of some sort – that is pretty typical. I am supposed to get steroid shots too, which I hate – so I am not looking forward to my afternoon at all. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that contractions are at a minimum and I get to come home after the appointment.

I have the girls from Thursday this week through Memorial Day. Can you believe it? I cannot. Their Dad decided that since his step-sons are going to be gone, and his wife has plans all week, that it would be just great if they stayed with me. I am definitely not complaining, but it is funny how we only change our scheduled days when it is convenient for HIM. He is just not that flexible, and it drives me crazy. The girls finish school this week so next week will be fun. First week of summer vacation – I am guessing they will sleep and eat a lot…along with watching a TON of bad television. Kind of sounds like me lately – we will get along famously!

Why do you want children?

My husband and I have a friend that is struggling with the decision to have kids. We have tried to explain why we wanted children (at his request), why this is so important to us but it doesn’t seem to make an impression. It is a difficult decision to have children – to change your life so drastically. But for me the decision NOT to have children would be so much more difficult.

I knew that I wanted more children because I am not what feels like a “parent” right now to my girls. They are not around all the time. I do not have the luxury of being with them when they are sick, or hurt, or helping with all of their projects. I do not get to take them to volleyball or soccer practice. I don’t even get their report cards unless they decide to show them to me. It is hard being divorced and sharing custody – it is like playing house, and I just never feel like a real mom. Having these boys gives me an opportunity to be a full-time parent.

Knowing that I want to be a full-time parent doesn’t really explain why I like being a parent – why I want more children though, does it? I love watching them develop and grow. I love teaching them things, and seeing how they interpret my advise. I love playing with them, and learning from them. It is amazing to watch my girls change from little girls into women…seeing their sense of humor develop, and watching them mature into their own people. I have never felt a love so unconditional as I do for my girls. There is no work involved…I simply love them. I love them so much that it aches when I cannot be with them. I am sure that this feeling will make it hard when they go to college and start their own families – but those things bring new experiences that I am sure to enjoy as well.

It is truly difficult to say in words why you want children. At least it is for me. And nothing I come up with sounds so convincing as to make our friend feel that he is missing something. I am sure that he will end up having children, but he will be convinced by something definite, intelligent, and concrete – not by emotion or love or the need to have a legacy in this world when death comes our way. He will be convinced by his wife’s need to have children, by her ultimatum – not by any words we come up with. Just the same – why do you want / have children? What was your reason for having a family? What do they bring to your life that you would miss if it were not there?

Baby Room Status

Walls: painted, sponged, and animal-ed (little painted wooden animals on the walls)

Pictures: framed, but not hung. They are two pictures of day 5 embryos prior to implantation - blown up to 5x7. They look very "modern art" and are fantastic.

Wooden Names: Painted, but not on the walls - awaiting youngest daughter's desire to hang them.

Wooden Crosses: Painted, but not on the walls - see above.

Rug: in room, and oh so cute

Book Shelf: also in room - plain, white, and serves it's purpose.

Rocking Chair and Stool: painted, sponged, animal-ed, and oh so wonderfully cute.

Cribs: purchased, put together, and cute as they can be.

Dresser: purchased, awaiting delivery tomorrow.

The dresser was the final piece we were missing and we found one yesterday at Freed's, an expesive furniture place with a clearance warehouse in the back for us poor folk. It was orignally $1190.00 marked down to $450.00 - it is 66 inches long and an unbelievable piece of furniture. One that we will want to have around forever. It is a little above hip-high, so we will attach the changing table countoured pad to it and use that for a changing table too. It is perfect. We will have to buy one of the boys another dresser at some point, but right now we cannot afford it and there isn't room for it in the nursery. Plus, this one is big enough for all of the clothes and blankets and sheets with room to spare, so it will be great for at least a year. I feel a weight lifted now because we don't have anything left to do before the babies get here. It feels good to be 28 weeks and done with all of the preparations.

I have purchased all of the blankets, burp clothes, sheets, pampers, clothes, bathroom stuff, diaper pails, and other gear needed for the boys. The only other item on the list is a double jogger and they don't need that until 4-6 months, so we are SET. Great feeling. I do feel poor, but accomplished.

Tonight I am thinking of making cookies. What kind shall I make? I guess I will have to see what I have here because going to the store sounds like work, and I am avoiding work.

Bad Television

Lesson learned: Watching Birth Day on Discovery Health 6 times a day is not a good use of time. It makes one paranoid about things they never knew could happen to moms and babies. Bad, bad, bad. I must not be drawn into the bad television anymore. I must find other things to do. Must not obsess about preterm birth, placenta previa, brain hemorrhage, NICU, high blood pressure, among other miscellaneous difficult-to-spell issues that fall upon pregnant women on occasion. Must stay sane… whoops, too late.

I have been watching this damned show day in and day out for weeks and it is finally occurring to me that it is bad for the brain to be thinking about all of the things that can go wrong. I am hereby banning Discovery Health from our home. At least until the babies are here and I will not be obsessing while watching the show.

I see my doctor tomorrow. Big thrill of the week. My husband is going out of town this afternoon through Friday, so we have spent some time this week making plans for how to deal with an unexpected hospital stay while he is gone. We don’t anticipate my being admitted, yet as I type this my contractions are about 7-9 minutes apart and quite uncomfortable. So – who knows.

In the past this has been pretty normal, however it usually slows down after an hour or so. I have been having them for about 45 minutes now, and they are pretty regular. Stupid contractions. If they are not changing my cervix, perhaps they will let me stay home and not go into the hospital. Home is preferred. At home I can wear my clothes. I can shower and use my own soap. I have access to many different wonderful smelling lotions and plenty of yummy food…comfy pillows, and of course bad television – and the ever-loving internet. I would certainly miss my connectivity if I were not at home. See how spoiled I am? And then there are my dogs and my girls and my husband. I need these people (yes, my dogs are people) around me. It would break my heart not to be here – so I am trying really really hard to be good and not do much so that I get to stay home.

So – now I must go find something useful to do with my time – hard to do lately. I hate wasting away a full day, but find that I cannot do much. What to do, what to do?

How do you do it?

We have furniture. Sort of. There has been a long, drawn-out, not-much-fun-to-listen-to ordeal over getting furniture for the babies’ room, which involved our original order never arriving because the company tried to screw Customs to me ordering something where they tried to charge us ½ of the cost of the furniture for shipping, to us not being able to find two of the same crib ANYWHERE. Well, this past weekend my husband found two identical cribs, purchased them, and put them together. Whew. Now the room looks more like a real nursery that babies can sleep in.

We still need dressers, but that is another adventure that I see giving us fits. See, we are cheap. Yes, it is true. We are cheap and we have two babies to provide for – not the best combination. Add the fact that furniture is expensive and you have a dilemma. Tell me this: how do people with not much money afford babies? Daycare, clothing, food, blankets, sheets, diaper genies, changing tables, beds, dressers, bathroom stuff – how does all of this fit into already-tight budgets? It is killing us – seriously. We are not poor. We are most likely above middle class – but this is hard on us. This is expensive. I am in awe of others that I know don’t have much money and wonder where they are buying things, or how they are affording anything at all.

I look around our house and I see many nice things. I know that we splurge a lot and could cut back quite a bit. And I know that we are very lucky – however I still can’t help but see the impact that new babies are having on us and wondering how others do it. How do you do it?

It Burns!!!

Oh dear god, the heartburn.

How to Pass the Time

Well, another positive fFN test yesterday, meaning they are worried that I may go into active labor within the next two weeks. Two week waiting continues…love the two week wait. I will go back into the doctor next week for more monitoring and a second set of steroids to help develop the boys’ lungs. Those darn shots hurt – wish I didn’t need them.

I did pass my diabetes screening, so that is great news…something that ISN’T wrong with me. WHOOOHOOO! However, my iron is really low, so they are increasing my supplements to twice a day. So many drugs now: Prenatal vitamins, antibiotics, double iron, progesterone shots weekly, procardia, nexium – I am a regular pharmacy.

I tried working on the baby scrapbook today but decided that I need some off-white paper for our printer to make labels / headings for the pages so that I don’t have to write everything. And, I am too lazy to go get any, and really shouldn’t be going out anyway. If I do venture out, I want to go to the bookstore and find something not mind-numbingly dumb to read. I feel dumber with every James Patterson book that I read – except for Black Friday, which is too difficult to concentrate on. I swear this house arrest thing is harder than I though it would be. It is lonelier too. Home all day alone with dogs and cats is not exactly stimulating. I know that I should enjoy the quiet time. I know that when the boys arrive there will be no more quite time and I will wish I had time to myself. How do I stock-pile quiet time for later?

Today I think I will get the camera out and take pictures of the nursery and then print a few for the baby book. That will take some time.

So Much in My Head

Do you ever get tired of writing about your day and wish you could come up with profound, interesting, soul-searching ideas instead? I know that I do. I looked back at my older writing and it seems as though it was so much more interesting. Apparently sadness makes for better writing. The entries from almost a year ago, when I was having some tough times, seem much more introspective and emotional. I was actually writing about how I felt – how I REALLY felt about things. Why has all of that changed?

Now all I write about is pregnancy and babies and pregnancy some more. My mind doesn’t settle on serious things very well now. I am spacey. I am “light-headed”. I am consumed by the thought of babies entering our world. How will they affect my marriage? How will they change me? What kind of parent will I be with the boys? Will my husband still like how I look? Will we be as close as we were before IVF? Will the girls be happy with the babies – will they look forward to spending time with us still? Will the dogs behave? Will the cats scratch them, or try to climb in their beds? Did I buy the right things? What have I forgotten? Will they be born early and have to spend time in NICU? If so, will they be OK? Will I be OK? Will I end up with pneumonia again, too sick to even hold the babies? What will they look like? Will they like me? Will I have a natural birth or a C-Section?

See – there is a lot going on in my mind, but I don’t express it well these days. I think perhaps there is TOO much going on in there to make sense of any of it.

A Nice Kick in the Ass

I tried to do a little too much yesterday which resulted in cramping, contractions, backache and bleeding. An all around nice kick in the ass. Of course it was deserved, but unpleasant anyway.

I started out running one small errand. I took the two cell pictures from our RE to Kinkos to have them blown up (so that I can frame them and hang them in the nursery – I am weird like that). They didn’t have any 8X10 photo paper in stock…so I went over to Wolf Camera to have them made. Funny thing is that they convinced me to do 5X7s anyway due to a problem with them getting grainy much larger. Do you think it matters? These were pictures of ugly, funny-looking cells. Could grainy make it any worse??? And then I had to wait an hour and a half for them to be ready. So, what could I do but shop? I went to a few stores and wondered around a small bit. I then went to a frame store and picked out frames and matting. I also went to Starbucks for an iced tea and a sandwich, well – because I was STARVING by 12:30.

By the time I picked up the photos from Wolf and took them to the frame store, I was so tired I couldn’t function. Now, mind you – I had only been out since 10:45 – so it is not like a long day – but it was MUCH longer than any I have had in ages. After telling the frame guy I couldn’t wait for him to mount and frame the pics, I went home, leaving them there to be retrieved another day.

Once home I drank a ton of water and went to bed. For three hours. I really laid around all evening until my husband got in around 8. By then I had been bleeding some and was having backache issues. We ate dinner (pizza because I wasn’t going to cook) and loafed around a bit. By the time I went to bed contractions were 5 minutes apart and hurting…I felt pretty crummy, but managed to fall asleep. I had spotting throughout the night, but it is gone now. And, the contractions are gone. I have had no more than 6 an hour today (which is tolerable according to my doctor), so I am feeling MUCH BETTER.

I don’t have much planned today. I want to pick up the pictures – perhaps when I am out getting something to eat. I also want to stop by Walmart or Target and pick up a few plastic containers to help organize the laundry room. And that is about all that is on my agenda. I need to write a few Thank You cards that have been lingering – and maybe read or draw. Boring life I lead, huh? But – if I don’t take it easy today my Dr. will yell at me at my appointment tomorrow. He keeps threatening hospital bedrest, and I am starting to think he isn’t joking. Wouldn’t that suck? You have to have permission to take a freaking shower! I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t equal much fun in my book. So, in light of my options, I am going to behave today in hopes that tomorrow goes well.

Boys????

I hope I will be a good mother to boys. I worry about this a lot. Perhaps because I have girls now, perhaps because I am crazy. I am not certain why, but I must say that I am worried that the boys won’t like me, that I won’t know how to raise boys, that they will only want to be with their dad – someone they have a lot more in common with. It is haunting to think that your children won’t like you. Is it pregnancy hormones making me feel this way? Is this normal?

We Will NOT be Taken on the Mattress!

The baby nursery is complete!!! And wow is it cute. Our Saturday was filled with home depot visits, paint buying, sponging, taping, animal painting… it looks amazing. The girls helped and we finished before evening. The top part of the walls is sponged blue. There is an 8 inch strip of white under that, and then the lower part of the wall is solid blue. All around the room along the white strip are wooden animals that we painted and attached to the walls – frogs, horses, cows, pigs, rhinos…all sorts of animals. The rocking chair is solid blue with animals along the top and the stool is sponged like the walls. My biggest concern now is – will our furniture actually fit in there?

Furniture for the babies turned into a bit of a nightmare. See, we ordered 2 cribs and 2 dressers / changers from USA Baby over a month ago. We were promised arrival June 1st. Friday I received a call from them stating that they wouldn’t have the items in by June – or possibly ever…and then they said that we could come buy something else (read: more expensive). See, they had some huge promotion where we were able to get everything at a very reduced price, but low and behold they actually are not going to ever get them in. Liars. So my husband and youngest daughter spent part of the weekend looking for new furniture – everywhere but USA Baby…because once we got the refund, we were determined NOT to spend any money there. They couldn’t find two of anything that would arrive anytime soon…so we ended up ordering some furniture online – with no real idea how it really looks. Should be interesting…we may end up with some of the furniture in the hallway…how trashy would that be?

Now we have realized that we didn’t order mattresses, and in our infinite wisdom researched what kind to buy. Wow there are a lot of crib mattress options out there. And of course the one we want is $200.00. We should have never looked up options. We should have marched into BabiesRUs and picked one out…now we are screwed. Does a mattress REALLY matter? They claim a bad one could lead to SIDS – they must do that just to get us to spend more money. We didn’t pay much more than that for the crib…that is sad. We will not be taken on the mattress… my new chant for the week.

What? You don't want to see me naked?

I went to the doctor this morning - the kind of doctor that doesn't make you get naked. I was confused.

I have a ruptured eardrum due to a bad ear infection. Nice. Doesn't feel nice though. Feels like ass. Truly. I have had drainage / pain for a few days and wanted to go in yesterday but they were closed, so I trotted on in this morning and she announced that there is a hole in my eardrum. Hmmm - that doesn't belong there? Guess not.

So - more drugs to add to the already-too-long-list. They know me by name at Walgreen's now. They said hi to me, using my name - and didn't even hesitate...sad. I feel sorry for the pharmacy folks that have to figure out if there are any interactions between the 5 other medicines I am taking.

What I Remember

It was a little past noon. I was four years old and staying at the babysitter’s house. My brother was due home from school in the next hour or so.

I remember not wanting to take a nap. I remember being fussy and wanting to wait for my brother to come home before I went to sleep… the babysitter didn’t see this as an option and after I had gotten out of bed once, she dropped me in the crib, yelling “if you are going to act like a baby, you will be treated like a baby” She really had a way with words.

I cried and cried. I wanted to see my brother. I wanted to get up. I wanted out of the crib. I promised to be good if she let me sleep in the bed, but she continued to ignore me. I guess I don’t blame her, perhaps I would have done the same thing in her situation…can’t say for sure now.

After about 5 minutes of my tantrum, the babysitter’s older son (maybe 20 years old at the time) took me out of the crib, carried me into the basement. He sat down beside me on the bottom step and told me that the boogyman lived down there. That he had eaten many bad children that wouldn’t take their naps, and he had no choice but to leave me there. He left me there and walked upstairs turning off the light and locking the door on his way out.

I don’t remember crying. I don’t remember moving. I don’t remember anything except this paralyzing fear as I stared into the blackness waiting for death. I was four and I was waiting to die.

He left me down there for hours…until my brother came home and asked where I was. They finally let me out and my brother called my mom to come get us. I don’t think we went back there again…although I don’t remember. I don’t remember getting out of the basement. I don’t remember anything except that horrible alone, dark, scared feeling. I remember that so clearly to this day.

Boring

I cheated on bedrest today…just a bit.

I was having a very bad “feeling sorry for myself” lonely day and decided to go get a few things to do in order to make house arrests a bit better. I went to Michael’s (craft store) and bought a new drawing book, a shirt to paint for a pregnant friend of mine (it is going to say “Due in December") and some scrapbook paper. Now I have three different types of projects to work on, which is nice. The drawing book has the cutest ideas for charcoal images that will be great in the boys’ room. I am starting on a baseball glove and ball, and will then work on a pair of old sneakers and an airplane. They are all a bit more difficult than the ones I have completed in the past but they will take a lot of time and should be pretty cute. Thank GOD they will take time – I have nothing but time.

Then I went to Whole Foods and picked up a few things for my pregnant friend to give her with her shirt – Chamomile tea and a lavender candle to help combat morning sickness – at least they worked for me, so I thought she could give them a try. Then I drove through the pharmacy and picked up my Nexium (bout damn time, stupid insurance company) and headed home.

Funny how all of that sounds like a busy day – three errands. Sad. Now I am thinking about dinner and nothing sounds good. Nothing. What sounds good is having my husband home…or my girls here. Instead I am surrounded by dogs and a cat with the drone of the TV in the background…what fun we have here, don’t you think?

Tomorrow should be much less exciting than today, except – and here is the good part – the girls are coming over…until Sunday. Whooohooo. I am excited to see them. Now I just need to continue having NO contractions and try to be lazy. Stupid lazy.

Insurance Scandal

I will be 26 weeks tomorrow, which feels like progress. I went to the specialist for a sonogram today and to my regular baby doctor for a follow up…busy day for a homebody like me.

The babies are 2 pounds each, which is FANTASTIC. Baby A is now breach, and Baby B is now head down – they have completely reversed directions! The doctor once again said it is unlikely they will switch spots, but he said that last time too, so I don’t know if I believe him. As it is now I will go C-Section unless they flip again.

My cervix has shortened to 3.2 from 4.1, which did not seem to alarm them at all. The doctors both felt that 26 weeks with twins is going to cause shortening…so they are pleased. They put me on 7 days of some sort of preventative antibiotics to hopefully avoid premature rupture of membranes (as with both previous babies), so that is good I suppose.

The only pending issue is the heartburn. My one MAJOR gripe at today’s appointment was the ever-loving pain in my chest that is preventing me from eating and drinking, and SLEEPING, and making me lose weight (not that I couldn’t stand to slow down on the weight gain). I was begging for relief. He recommended TUMS, and I really bit his head off…stating: “you wouldn’t offer candy to a crack addict would you? That does NO good!!!!” – I think he got the picture because he wrote a prescription for Nexium. Now for the bad news: my insurance company declined the prescription and now I have to wait for the pharmacy to call the doctor and have him call the insurance company. Why do they do this? The prescription is obviously good, or he wouldn’t have written it. Goddamn insurance disaster. I actually cried at the pharmacy and I am sure I freaked the lady out. See, I had just eaten thinking relief was on the way, and now another sleepless night of this shit. I have hit the end of my rope. Sad, isn’t it?

So, good news and bad news continues. I think I am setting the trend lately.