Cole Closet

Roark Sleeping

Stupid Everything

I tried running yesterday for the first time. In my mind, before I went, I envisioned a slow 3 mile run. I imagined I would be tired at the end but that it wouldn’t be all that difficult. I was out of my freaking mind – in case you were wondering.

I started at my house and went a total of 3 blocks...maybe. I made it to the neighborhood pool before my lungs felt like they were literally on FIRE! I decided that “lungs on fire” was not a good thing and stopped running. I turned around and walked home. And even that was hard. I didn’t realize what bad shape my lungs and heart were in after all of the infections, congestive heart failure, blood clots in the lungs, pneumonia, blah blah blah (When I see it in print I think “You moron. Why wouldn’t exercise be difficult.” But somehow my brain wasn’t working like that yesterday… I was so upset that it was difficult and I did so poorly.) I guess it will just take a lot of time to get back into any real shape.

Last night I had some pancreatic issues – meaning that my pancreas was really pissed off and decided to hurt me so badly that I couldn’t do anything but sit up in bed wishing I would just die already. I took an insane amount of pain killers, but it took forever to even make a dent in the pain. I blame the very rich dinner we had…which was stupid on my part. That – and the espresso I had with it. But see, we had a date night. And we went to The Grape. And I love The Grape. And they had filet. And I love filet. And also, the Crème Brule is amazing. So I tried that too. I cannot even imagine what shape I would be in if we actully drank alcohol anymore... God I miss the wine... Anyway, MAN DID I PAY. I sat up until 3:00am and finally was able to go to sleep.

So today when I woke up, Todd and the boys were already out at the “big park” which is about a mile away (at least to the spot where they were) but if I took the trail it would be about 2 miles (maybe if you stretch it a bit). So I started running, took a shortcut over the creek and through a mass of spider webs...ick, and finally found them without having to go as far. Overall I would say I ran about a mile to a 1 ½. Not far, but if you compare to yesterday, it was an improvement. I also walked home in the blazing heat – which kicked my butt. And, we went to the grocery store. So there is that.

I am now in bed where I want to stay until dinner…I am THAT tired. Stupid running. Stupid staying skinny. Stupid getting in shape.

Thankful

I cannot help but think (outloud even) multiple times a day how happy and lucky I am to be alive. Yesterday morning I woke up at 3:15am and couldn't go back to sleep... I logged in and read a bit and finally got up and went walking at 5, because I didn't want to miss a minute of the day. I wonder how long this will last - this awe with life. I hope I don't lose sight of the importance of being given a second chance - of living.

Questions

A lot of people have asked what exactly was wrong with me - the overall ruling was Sepstic Shock and Acute Respiratory Disease / Acute Febrile Disease.

Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) is an acute, severe injury to most or all of both lungs. Patients with ARDS experience severe shortness of breath and often require mechanical ventilation (life support) because of respiratory failure. ARDS is not a specific disease; instead, it is a type of severe, acute lung dysfunction that is associated with a variety of diseases, such as pneumonia, shock, sepsis (a severe infection in the body) and trauma. ARDS can be confused with congestive heart failure, which is another common condition that can also cause acute respiratory distress.

They state I was in septic shock. This is considered a serious condition that occurs when an overwhelming infection leads to low blood pressure and low blood flow. The brain, heart, kidneys, and liver may not work properly or may fail. In my case my heart, liver, lungs and pancrease were affected - the kidneys and brain were just along for the ride.

To hear just how sick I was now freaks me out a bit... It could have ended up so differently. I shouldn't be alive according to the stats for Sepsis and ARDS. I had a 30-40% chance of living. How freaky is that?

Stuff My Staff Sent Me:

I laughed my fat ass off when these showed up.

Who's Your Daddy?

Due to previously mentioned reasons, father’s day was all but forgotten at our house. This doesn’t mean it goes without mentioning. Todd is by far the most amazing, attentive, happy father I have met. And I have had a good chance to meet a few in my days on this earth (40 this year). I feel compelled to tell you why he deserves father of the year, so if you are here to argue with me….move along and lets part friends.

-And now why Todd is the best dad in the world:

-He gets up every morning and makes them breakfast….while I hole up in bed.

-He takes care of the boys at night when I just didn’t have the energy *It has been a long hard year in terms of my health.

-He LOVES nothing more than hanging out with them watching a ball game or running around the park “One more time”

-He has endless patience for Dorah who is equal to Satan for me, yet he seems to revel in it.

-He still has the desire for sex with his old 40 year old wife (does any guy ever lose this desire, because man…that would be sad.

-His mom lives with us – and he likes it.

-He is a better dad to my girls than there own.

-He raves about their cuteness, their fun nature, and their naughtiness with the same sly smile

-Baby…you are the world to me and our children…..I love you with all of my heart.

What Scotty Doesn't Know

So how in the bloody hell are you? No - I am neither British nor married to a Britt – I just love the way “bloody hell” rolls off the tongue. Don’t you?

So where have I been? Sick. Sick a bit. And then there was some more of the sick. I am not even qualified to write much of this as I was on the ventilator restrained and sedated much of the time and too sick to type the rest.

The timeline looks a bit like this:

June 3: went to ER with strange rash on face causing swelling around eyes. Am given Multi pack of steroids which makes me puke all night long.

June 4: The next day we go back to the hospital because I cannot function and can only roll around on the floor moaning in the back of the car.

We return to the ER with headache and neck ache – puking and fever. They do a spinal tap and head CT and admit me – thinking that the high steroid dose is to blame.

They give me fluids and try to make me comfortable.

June 6: I am transferred to the ICU of the local hospital – not getting any relief. My husband at this time was worried and didn’t know what to do… He decided to transfer me to a local teaching hospital – Medical City Dallas – to their special care wing – which only deals with high risk highly critical cases. This is where my knowledge fades. I don’t remember the ambulance ride.

I don’t remember my chest caving in. I don’t remember the ventilator or versed or ativan. I just don’t remember.

Apparently at one point during
the spell I began pointing to letters asking if I was dying….

This of course freaked out my daughter who spent the day crying., I don’t remember getting the tube out…and I don’t remember much else until June 17. that is a net loss of 10 days…. 10 days gone.

From what I understand, it is best I don’t remember…..

I did have vivid visions while tranquilized – like the one where all the beefcake guys were lined up at the old coral bathed in BBQ sauce, or how I had planned to run away with a bunch of people to sell tickets to hockey games.

And then there was the one where I was sure that our dogs were real and I put them outside and of course as any chocolate dog would do, they freaking melted.

And then of course there is the one where the giant potato mound blew up every year on thanksgiving so everyone could have mashed potatoes…. Yep, doozies

I am happy to say that I am back in the land of the living and so so happy to be here.

Although I am still in the hospital, I am on my way out – and never happier in my life to be alive. Never.

The Crane

We have been making it a habit to take the boys to the park after dinner in the evenings. They run around the duck pond, feed the ducks, watch a little baseball and get too tired to see straight. This means they go to bed without a fight. It is glorious. And fun. And they are cute and almost well-behaved most of the time.

We were at the pond the other evening and the boys were throwing bread to the ducks. A crane was standing in the water just watching the ducks and turtles and fish bite at the bread. The crane then stuck his head in the water and came back up with a fish speared onto his beak. The boys watched the crane jiggle the fish off of his beak, toss it into the air, and eat it whole. It was amazing. I have never seen anything like it!

My Favorite Age

I know that I have written this before – it is so fresh in my mind…but I am too lazy to look for it and really don’t care.

Do you know that wonderful nostalgic feeling that can sometimes hit you when you hear a song from your past, drive through your old neighborhood, or see someone you used to know so well? I love that feeling… it makes me feel warm all over, familiar, content. I cannot explain how it feels, but I want to. I want to put on paper what that feeling is so that someday when I cannot grasp it, I can read about it and remember exactly how it feels. I have never been very good with word pictures – never seem to be able to express things I feel as well as I can feel them. I suppose that is what makes writing a talent…one I wish dearly that I possessed.

Yesterday driving home I had that old familiar feeling, and I don't even know why. It wasn't the song on the radio, or the area of town I was in. I hadn't run into an old friend or even come across anything particularly familiar - but it hit me like a ton of bricks...that content, happy, nastalgic feeling. Perhaps it was because it was warm, sunny, and a storm was headed in - giving the air that funny smell. Perhaps it was because I was headed home early looking foward to spending time with the boys. Perhaps it was just a good day. I only hope I have more of those.

************

Yesterday I took the boys to the “big park” which is not too far from our house. They have soccer fields, baseball fields, two jungle jims, volleyball nets and picnic facilities. They also have a pond. With ducks. Lots of ducks. Ducks that LOVE to eat bread. So – we took bread for the ducks. I let the boys run around feeding the ducks until a ½ loaf of bread was gone – which took a while since they kept giving them one tiny piece at a time. Cole would chase the ducks until they would take the bread from him, which surprised me. I assumed he would be afraid, but he was so NOT afraid that it frightened me a little. I don’t want to be that mother. You know the kind - the one that lets her kids get pecked to death by ducks. But – I also don’t want to be the over-reacting clingy mom with two girly-boys (which I totally am) so I tried to let them have fun. It almost killed me.

After feeding the already fat ducks, I let them walk around the pond. Letting them do this nearly killed me too. I kept envisioning the boys running head-first into the water and drowning – which is crazy…because I would help them before they got hurt and how would they run head first anyway? There are toddlers, they would fall at least 6 times before they got there – but my mind is insane and thus I kept worrying. I managed to keep my worrying to myself (sort of) and let them have fun. Roark would run ahead, stop, turn around to face me and announce, “RUNNING” with a huge grin on his face. Cole would try to run too, but would fall or stub his toes. He ended up with a bloody toe and knee, but didn’t want to stop trying to run. It was hilarious! And cute. Much of the cute.

On the way home they were both thirsty so I let them take turns with my water bottle. Every time we would get to a stop sign I would make them switch and let the other boy have it. It was a riot to get to a stop sign, have them recognize it, yell “STOP” and hand over the water… or try to hide it so they could keep it. I just love this stage of their development – everything they do is cute, funny, or a riot (sometimes in an annoying sort of way). Roark has started putting words together and even making some words up. Cole is beginning to talk more, and they are both so expressive. I wouldn’t mind staying at this age for a while.