Letting Go

A year ago a typical Sunday night would wind down with a bottle or two of wine while sitting around talking or watching a movie. Sometimes we would have a few beers after finishing the wine - pushing our drinking limits and loving the buzz just a little too much. Mondays were an evil little bitch, but WOW did I love those Sunday nights. And I do miss them now.

I am closing in on a year without drinking anything stronger than a Diet Coke and although it is easier than it used to be, it is still difficult. I think about drinking most days, if even just for a second or two - usually in the evening after dinner...sometimes when I am cooking dinner or getting ready for bed.

I feel as if I have lost a bit of my self esteem in this quest for sobriety. I am definitely less interested in social situations - be it work-related or with friends. Holidays, dinner out, an afternoon on the golf course - all less fun without the alcohol. I suppose this fits the definition of being an alcoholic, and yet that doesn't make this life changing decision any easier.

I used to think that an alcoholic was someone who drank all of the time. In my mind, they would ALWAYS start the day off with Baileys in their coffee, or vodka in their V8. And since I didn't do those things, I was free and clear. I didn't think that I fit the description of someone with a drinking problem - mostly because it wasn't a problem to me. It didn't keep me from work, I didn't fail to meet any obligations because of drinking. I didn't endanger anyone and didn't live a life of lies or deceit - all in the name of drinking. I wasn't neglectful or abusive...I just enjoyed drinking.

Todd stopped drinking with me - because I couldn't anymore and he wanted to be supportive. It has been easy for him. He doesn't miss it - doesn't talk about it, doesn't eye the wine at the grocery store with longing like I do. I don't know how he does it. I just can't seem to let go. When does this get easier?