Cassie is going away to college in the fall. I think about this a lot. I am not sure how I would describe the feelings, but they are something that I think only a mother, or a father to a daughter, or perhaps a young lover feels. They are contradictory, and overpowering, and wow… it just sucks a bit.
There is this looming sense of dread because she is going to be so far away.
There is immense pride because she is choosing to be so far away.
And then there is disappointment because she is going to be so far away.
I am terrified that she will get hurt in the world.
I am thrilled she wants to find out who she is, learn to be on her own.
I am sad because clearly she doesn’t need me like she used to.
I don’t want her to have to deal with mean, hateful, horrible people or situations.
I want her to BE ABLE to deal with mean, hateful, horrible people and situations.
I want to fix all of her problems myself.
I have always expected my children to go to college. I have made it clear that it is not an option. I have anticipated this day for many, many years, so why is it so difficult to handle? I find that amusing in a way.
I think it all boils down to me having trouble accepting that she just doesn’t need me. Which is a good thing. It is how we gauge our children’s success – so it should make me happy to see her leave. However, part of me wishes she were not quite ready.