Older and Wiser

Sitting on an airplane, feeling very happy…thinking about my life, my past, my future. Thinking about this baby growing inside me and the things this new life will bring me, my family – my husband, my girls. All of the opportunities we will have to grow as a family and raise this child surrounded by love and happiness. Everything will be so different this time.

I loved my girls from the moment I knew they were on the way, but I was surrounded by insurmountable, paralyzing fear. I was so young, so poor, and most of the time alone. My husband was working and going to school full time – I was for all intensive purposes, alone. It was hard. Life was hard. Although all life is hard, that one seemed especially so.

This time around I am older, and hopefully wiser. I am open to the fact that I don’t know everything. I make mistakes, and that is okay. I don’t have to be the perfect mother – I just have to do my best. I have to stay calm, loving, and remain focused on my whole family – not just the new baby. I understand the importance of nourishing my marriage so that it continues to grow. I understand how important it is to still have individual relationships with my girls – not let them get swallowed up in the excitement of a new baby.

Older, wiser, smarter – but still a little scared. I think that is natural. Anyone who thinks they have all of this all figured out is simply fooling themselves. I cannot imagine embarking on an adventure like this and not being a little overwhelmed. Who wouldn’t?

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

We played Christmas this weekend. Tree, lights, stockings, assorted useless Christmas decorations – all scattered about the house. Everything looks so nice, festive and happy. All of the extra decorations makes our house look more lived in, more loved. Have you ever noticed that about Christmas? When the tree is up and decorated, the whole house seems calm and beautiful. After the holidays, when the tree comes down, everything seems a bit empty and alone.

I enjoy looking at every ornament and remembering where it came from. I especially love the ones that my girls made years ago – with beads, wood, glue – to most people they would be nothing special – to me they are priceless. I remember my mother used to ‘oooh’ and ‘ahhhh’ over our ornaments, especially the homemade ones – and I would always roll my eyes and wish she would shut up already…now I understand. I have become my mother and I am sentimental.

My husband is going to try to get the outside done this next weekend. We have luminaries to put out and trees to wrap in hundreds of lights. I can’t wait to stand outside in the dark and look at all of the lights… I am such a sap. Which is funny – because I have always hated Christmas. I have hated winter too – until this year. I woke up one day and was happy it was cold outside. I put on a sweater and walked around smiling all day. Another sign of growing up, growing old, or becoming my mother.

Dear god, what has become of me?

I have started mentally talking to my belly. I “think” to the babies all through the day. Do you suppose that is a sign of senility? I have to wonder...I have been slowly going over the edge for weeks now. It was only a matter of time.

Yes, I said babies above. I have NO idea if there is one or two, but for the oddest reason, I am convinced that both embryos stuck and we are having twins. We will know at our first ultrasound in a few weeks, but until then I will refer to them as…well, THEM. Wouldn’t twins be the greatest gift ever? I mean, aside from a baby at all. We are so blessed – so very very fortunate to be having these babies. I can’t be happier…I couldn’t feel more complete, more happy.

Things are different this time around. When I was pregnant with my teenage daughters, I was so scared. I couldn’t imagine how I would take care of them. I couldn’t picture my life with children. I couldn’t see my husband as a father. It just didn’t fit. I hated being pregnant, I hated labor, and I hated being a stay at home mom. I couldn’t wait to go back to work…to get back to what I thought was a real life. I was so wrong.

This time, I am excited about being pregnant. I am not afraid of labor. I am not scared of taking care of a baby. I am 100% into this pregnancy. My husband is much the same. It is amazing the difference made by actually planning a pregnancy and having to work for it. We have been hoping and praying for this miracle, and now we have it. My husband…what can I say? What a wonderful father he will be. What a perfect family we will have – even when everything isn’t perfect, at the heart of it - it will be.

Will you remind me of all of this when we are trying to get two screaming babies to sleep for more than 1 hour at a time? I am sure I will forget.

I'm Pregnant

It's true. We are about to have a bigger family.

I am so very very excited!

Thanksgiving Day

This mornings verdict: still not pregnant

Surprised? I'm not. Still early. Too early to test, yet I tested anyway. I can't begine to tell you how many evil pee sticks I have gone through. I can't count that high.

I had a terrible dream last night. It involved horrible ex-in laws and an evil ex-husband. I woke up feeling horrible, had a headache, and then got to see a negative pregnancy test. This was followed promptly by crying. Yes. I have officially lost it. And why was I crying? No good reason, I can tell you that. This is just such an emotional thing we are doing. I am hopped up on hormones, my body thinks it is pregnant, even if it isn't. We are only going to do this one time, and if it doesn't work - then no baby. So much pressure. Just too much.

I just want the waiting to stop. I want to be pregnant. I want this so very bad. I found myself making deals with God in the shower this morning... "If you will please make me pregnant...."

Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I. Can't. Stop. Peeing.

Ever since I was permitted to pee, I have not stopped. Although let me explain, lest you get the wrong idea.

HPT sticks and I are developing a hate-hate relationship. They are the key to my knowing if I am pregnant. It is of course too early for them to tell me, but I keep peeing on them anyway. Why? I don't know. I feel like it is "doing something" instead of just waiting I suppose. I hate the whole 'waiting' thing. Hate it. Hate those pregnancy tests too...or did I already mention that? I told my husband that he may find me peeing on generic household items soon. The thermostat? Looks like an home pregnancy test to me! The dog should hide his bones. All objects should be put away - or I am likely to pee on them and then stare the stare of death waiting for a light pink line to show up on them.

In other news... who am I kidding, there is NO other news. There is NO news. I am 2 days past a 5 day transfer - 9 days past ovulation, and I have no news. Which as I pointed out is normal, but it is still killing me. KILLING ME.

I would tell you all that I have it out of my system and that I won't HPT tomorrow, as it won't tell me anything then either - but I would be lying. I will SO be peeing on the stick tomorrow...and as I watch the window with laser vision, and only see one line indicating 'not pregnant' - I will act surprised and pretend that I thought that there was a small chance I could know this early. I like to torture myself like that.

If I were smart - which I have clearly shown you over the past months that I am NOT - I would have waited until Thursday to test at all (just because it is Thanksgiving and how cool would it be to find out we are having a baby on THAT day?) and then I would not test again until Sunday. But now I am spiraling out of control and just can't stop the peeing... I may even run out of test before any real chance appears of finding out the truth. Of course the store is a mere block or so away and I can always buy more. After all we have spent on this, what is another 13.99 in order to save our thermostat and dog's bones from being peed on?

Please may I pee now?

It is cloudy, cool and quiet outside as we drive to the hospital. The car is full – me, the girls, my husband – all wanting to be part of this day. We arrive 25 minutes early… Are we just a little excited? I have been drinking water since 7, and already have to go to the bathroom. I decide not to go and figure I can hold it as I was told to have a partially full bladder for the transfer. We will now refer to this decision as mistake number 1.

After getting into the pre-op room and trading my lovely clothes for a gown with missing ties, we sit around and joke about the procedure, the morning, how tired the girls are, and one of the girl’s desires to watch the Dennis the Menace movie while we wait. And wait. And wait. All the while, I have to go to the bathroom…and it is getting worse.

I finally sneak to a bathroom around 8:30 – ahhhh sweet relief – only to have to go again at 8:45, just as bad. The nurse comes to get us for transfer and lets me go “a little bit” so I don’t turn green. Have you ever tried to just go “a little bit” and then stop? Yeah – well, it sucks. Bad. I went only a “little bit” and returned to the room. This decision will now be tagged mistake number 2.

My husband puts on what he referred to as his Doctor-Ware and we head to the transfer room. Not much to it – same room they did the retrieval in. It is small, fairly dark, and attached to the embryo lab. There are about 5 people I have never seen along with my doctor. The whole process took only a few minutes, but I swear it felt like hours – due to the having-to-pee issue I was facing.

All I could think about was peeing.

Doctor: Look at the pictures of your embryos

Me: I have to pee

Doctor: We are ready for the embryos

Me: Damn, did I mention that I have to pee?

Doctor: OK, now be very, very still

Me: But I have to pee

Doctor: All right, we are done

Me: Now, can I pee?

Doctor: No.

WHAT? No peeing????? What the hell is that? No peeing for an hour. A whole HOUR? I was supposed to wait a whole freaking hour to go. UMMMM – That so was not going to happen. They took us back to the pre-op room where the girls were waiting (sleeping) and told me that if I had to go to the bathroom that badly, they would let me go in 20 minutes. WHAT? 20 minutes? Do you KNOW how I feel???? I really, really, really have to pee. Really.

So I waited. I stared at the ceiling and prayed that I would be able to make it. I watched the Mighty Ducks movie that was on TV and hoped I would make it. I finally started staring at the clock, eyes watering, counting the seconds, hoping I would make it. I swear to god, I did NOT think I would make it. I have never had to go that bad, and I better never have to go that bad again. When that nurse finally showed up again and let me go, I swore I would put her on my Christmas list. I was THAT happy to see her.

To wrap it up, they transferred two “very good” 50-80 celled embryos. They were not excellent, but the doctor was pretty happy with them. The pictures they gave us look like two tiny pepperoni pizzas. So – that is what the babies are being called – pepperonis. I sure hope they are growing…and not getting all lazy like my other 2 kids.

The Evening News

Yesterday we received our daily embryo report. There are 4 considered excellent quality, 1 good, and 1 average. I of course have no idea what this all means. I just pretend that it is good news and walk around smiling. I - am an infertility idiot. I admit it. It is true.

Last night we started the Progesterone shots. They are still not as bad as the Follistim. That stuff REALLY hurt. These new ones are given in the hip muscle...with an inch-and-a-half long needle. Although they really don't hurt, they are hard to do. It is hard to see back there, and to give the shot by myself, so my husband had to help. He would have done the whole thing but I am a baby and wouldn't let him. I just couldn't stand the anticipation of waiting for him to do the shot - so I took it away from him and put it in myself - but then, I couldn't get the medicine in. So he had to do that part. What a picture of hilarity that must have been.

We then went to a movie - Friday Night Lights. Which - I loved. Football. So much aggression and intensity. Love it.

So - that is the latest for me. Husband is working on his new job - and loves it. I am working on my old job and hate it. things are rolling right along. Now - I just need to get pregnant!!!

A song for our embryos

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

A very unusual place

Don't let that scare you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's in your face

It's all around you

Well it can't go on and on forever

So let it go

And hold on tight

It's all so new

Yeah you're so green

But I'll cover you

So enjoy the view

Yeah you're so green

Until you balance on the earth to find that love

Surrounds you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

It's not your typical space

Just let it hold you

Welcome to the world, oh yeah

Don't quit the race

Let it unfold you

Anywhere you go

I'm gonna be one step behind you

You may not know

But I'll be there

Welcome to the human race

It's a very unusual place

But that's what makes it wonderful

Now your world has just begun

You're a very unusual one

And that's what makes you beautiful

Well it can't go on and on and on forever

So let it goIt will go on and on and on forever

When you go

So hold on

Hold on

Welcome to the world oh yeah

(Green, by Sister Hazel)

Proof of Insanity

“I feel like there is a basketball in my tummy. It is hard, and round. Feel it”

“Maybe that is what they were doing to you in surgery…putting a basketball in there. Do you think they blew it up after, or put it in inflated?”

“I think they inflated it after”

“Did they use a hand pump, or just back the Hummer up to the OR and use the built in air compressor”

“They used the Hummer, of course”

“Maybe it is just a pup-tent in there”

“Maybe, but how do you think they got it set up? We can’t set up our tent in broad daylight, with lots of room”

“Well, that is why is hurts so much”

“YEAH!”

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Yesterday was Day 0. According to some info I have this is what happened:

When eggs are brought to the laboratory, they are removed from the follicular fluid, washed and placed in a nutrient solution (medium) in an incubator. The sperm is also washed and processed in such a way that many of the dead and abnormal sperm are removed, and the motile sperm are concentrated. The sperm is incubated until the afternoon. If the sperm appear normal, and there is no suggestion from the patient's history that fertilization might be a problem (e.g. unexplained infertility), the sperm are placed near the eggs, and they are incubated overnight.

So this morning, Day 1, they checked on the little social scene, and this is how things look: 6 of the eggs and sperm have paired up and are "going steady". The other 3, well they are destined to be wallflowers and have been thrown out of the program.

The couples now have 2 nuclei in the center, one from the egg and one from the sperm. They don't look like much, they don't do much...they just sit there and waste air from what I can tell.

They will decide tomorrow if they are going to do a 3 day or 5 day transfer, based on how many are still dividing. I am hoping that we end up with at least 4 great quality embryos so that we can transfer 2 and freeze 2. But - what I really want is to transfer 2, get pregnant, have twins and donate the others to science. Here is to hoping we all get what we want!

Ten Little Indians

9 eggs. They found 9 eggs on their Easter Egg Hunt this morning. I don’t know if that is fantastic…but I am happy they found some. As they were putting me under, I began singing 10 Little Indians. I don’t know why – but I did. Perhaps because I am crazy (as was established in yesterday’s post). I wanted 10, so 9 is good.

When I woke up – this is a funny story - I apparently was telling my husband that now that I have no drugs in me we can argue and I won’t cry because I am not on the Lupron anymore. He kept wishing I would shut up – since the doctor was in the room trying to ask me if I was okay – and I wouldn’t shut up and answer his questions… That is me. Yammering on about nothing while wasting people’s time.

Now we wait. There is a whole-lotta waiting in this IVF process. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. And then wait some more.

We now wait until tomorrow for them to call and tell us how many fertilized.

Then we wait for each afternoon when they call to tell us how the embryos are doing.

Then we wait until Sunday when they put them back in.

Then we wait for days and days until the beta pregnancy blood test.

Then we wait for the next beta.

Then we wait for the ultrasound so we can hear the heartbeat.

Then we wait for 11 weeks when they can do CVS to make sure there are no problems with baby (or babies).

Then we wait until 12 weeks for the cerclage.

Then we wait for me to make it to term.

Please excuse me while I go wait.

Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

I will be getting up at 4:30am tomorrow morning. Just typing it makes me sleepy. We have to leave here at 5:30 so that we can get to the hospital at 6:00. Tomorrow is the day. Yes, it is here. We are going to have these expanding, back-aching, headache inducing baby eggs taken out of me. I am so happy I could scream. But I won’t. Because it is late. And the dogs would get all crazy. And then the cat would get chased. And then there would be running and muddy paws and a dirty carpet…and I just don’t have the time or energy for the whole carpet cleaning thing tonight. So no screaming.

So – following our little adventure tomorrow, I get to go to court for round 1 of our custody battle. Drugged up. Tired. And drugged up some more. That should be fun for all. Laugh now. I won’t notice later, as I will be stressed out and drugged up.

The way we figure, we will have the embryos put back on Sunday. I just can’t believe that it is so close now. I should know by Thanksgiving if it worked. If I am pregnant. I don’t even know what to say next – I don’t want to jinx anything.

I went to the bookstore tonight. I looked at the pregnancy books and wished that I could buy them – that I had a reason to buy them now. I don’t so much care about the books, although some looked good (There was one that was called Pregnancy Sucks – so wanted that one) but it was more of me wanting to BE pregnant so bad. Right now. It is hard to be level headed about all of this. Hard to focus on things I can control and let the other stuff go. I just don’t know how to do it.

I feel like I am slowly going crazy. Although I know it is a short trip…

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

All I can think about these days is getting pregnant. It consumes my mind. This can’t be healthy, but it is…how it is. I have had more sonograms in two weeks than I had with my last pregnancy – which seems like a lot. I have had enough blood drawn that my arms now have track marks on them, and I have had a headache for pretty much two straight weeks from the drugs I am on. Oh the Lupron. Love that stuff. That drug would be great as a torture mechanism. All they need to do is promise relief from the freaking headaches and people will talk…I guarantee it.

I found out today that I don’t have to take the Lupron anymore. Did you hear me? No. More. Lupron. Oh yeah. I AM FREE. Sort of. Now, I get to stab myself with an inch-and-a-half long needle, which should be fun. Tonight I take my HCG trigger shot, and then Tuesday they are having an egg harvest. I will be hosting the party. Go me. This means that Sunday they will put back two of the strongest, healthiest embryos and I should be pregnant. That is if they implant and my body feels like being pregnant…which at this moment, with all I have done to it get to this point, would surprise me. I am not sure how my body can convince itself that being pregnant for 9 months after all this will be fun – but I am all about tricking myself into thinking it will be fun.

I have to admit that when this all started, everything seemed far away. It felt like I wouldn’t get to this point for a long, long time. Now – it is here. And, I am scared. I am scared of not getting pregnant after spending all of this money and putting so much into this – emotionally, physically. If I don’t get pregnant, and we don’t have any embryos to freeze, it is over. Our dream of more children is done. Hard to believe we are so close to that possibility.

I want to give my husband a child - want so very much for us to raise a child together. I want to do this for him, for us, for the baby we want so badly. It is hard to face the fact that God just may not have it in his plans. See, I have decided to throw it all at God. He is good at taking all of that responsibility and I don't have to be to blame if anything goes wrong. "It just wasn't God's will" - rolls off the tongue quite nicely doesn't it? Amazing how quickly I have decided that I don't mind this phrase.

No matter what happens, this is the beginning – a start to a new life for us both. One with a baby, or one without. And I guess it is exciting either way. Change and newness are good things. Planning the rest of our lives will be fun – with or without a baby. I am excited. I am scared. I am anxious. I am cautious.

I am waiting,

and waiting,

and waiting.

Graduation Time

My husband has been in graduate school since we got married. It has been pretty tough for him, and he is so happy to be done this December. He has spent many many nights and weekends studying and at class and he is happy to have it come to an end. Me too. Now we will have so much more time together! Oh - wait. No we won't.

As of today my husband also has a new, fantastic job. He has worked really hard for it, and deserves it - and I am so incredibly proud of him. But, it now means he will be doing what I call the "New Job Schmooz" He will be traveling and working long hours and dedicating a lot of time to this job, because, well - it is new. He has to prove himself, and frankly - he is excited - so he will want to work hard.

Does it make me a sucky wife because I wanted him to be at home and spend some time with me? I am jealouse of this new job. I want to be the new job. Can I be the new job? No - I guess I can't unless I want to pay him crazy money to play with me. Damn. Stupid new job.

Newsflash

My Boss,

IS AN IDIOT!!!!!!

Malpractice On It's Way

While at the RE's office this morning my husband and I started discussing a new business opportunity:

A Medical Practice for Dummies.

For Dummies, Run By Dummies.


We will be the doctors. We will be very, very successful and people will believe everything we say...because they won't know not to. And really, we fail to see where our medical professionals are relying on any real logic anyway. We can blame unexplained conditions on sunspots or Kool Aid, or even low tide. Nobody will even question it.

While being the victim of yet another sonogram, we were told that my left ovary has only produced 3 follicles. This is not very good. They would like to see more. So, this is where my husband and I decided that the reason Lefty is such a slacker is that it is on strike because I have cut it off from all caffeine and alcohol. Old Lefty is a rebel and will not tolerate inhumane working conditions. Bad Lefty. You are grounded.

Righty is doing just fine. We have 7 follicles over there. Always the over-achiever, never wanting to disappoint. Go Righty. Be the example, raise the bar, show off a little. You will be rewarded.

The kicker here? We have no control over this. My body will do pretty much whatever it wants. Period. This is the point in time where I decided that I was pretty much capable of being a doctor. No experience needed…because they can’t fix anything anyway.

See? I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

IVF Fear Factor

Episode 4003 November 8, 2004

It's a rainy, slippery day as players arrive for their first stunt. Surrounded by speculums and transvaginal sonogram equipment , the players learn they must climb onto the examining table – completely naked, and then put both of their feet into the stirrups. They must then remain completely silent and still as the doctor proceeds to do a full exam and saline sonogram. They must remain naked and exposed for at least 2 hours. Those passing this stage advance and have a shot at $50,000 in debt and maybe, just maybe, a baby. In order to keep the game going, should no contestants actually complete this task, the person that lasts the longest will get 12,000 in debt and all contestants will advance. Chance of baby = 1%

All players will of course fail and will be happy to have a second chance - but also, totally turned off by what they must do next.

In a parked car, late at night, each player must inject an HCG trigger shot, by themselves, while blindfolded. The catch? There are two trigger shots, one with the proper mix, one with Tabasco. The Tabasco is preferred as it will cause less pain. Chances of baby = .03%

After a mock transfer, the final stunt is the dreaded two week wait. The contestants will be locked in a room, surrounded by home pregnancy tests. Anyone that breaks down and uses one is immediately sent packing. There will be several diets and activities to choose from, all bearing warnings of potential miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. The first contestant to actually make it all two weeks without HPTing will be able to leave with the $50,000 in debt. Chances of baby = .00007%

Headaches and 13 Year Olds... Could There Be A Connection?

The Lupron. Oh the Lupron. The evil drug of the damned. I swear it could turn people into actual zombies. Perhaps that is what they gave those freaks in Dawn of the Dead…Lupron! This drug…oh it is so not a good drug. The headaches are my biggest complaint. Every afternoon they set in…somewhere between 2 and 4pm. They feel like someone has slammed me across the back of the head with a 2x4. It is not pleasant. Then there is the eye-ache. The kind where any light makes your eyes hurt. And noise makes the headache worse.

And then there is the crying. I am not exactly an over-emotional woman. I don’t cry at the drop of a hat. Well, I didn’t used to. Now commercials can bring tears to my eyes…no kidding! Needless to say, I am anxious to be done with the Lupron.

Tomorrow we get to start an additional drug, Follistim. Then I can have two drugs battling it out with my sanity. Wonder what fun effects come with that cocktail? Want some? Yeah – I thought not. Scared????

*******

In other news… we received a phone call this morning from our youngest daughter. She had left her pencil bag here and wanted me to bring it to her. I agreed. On the way to school at a red light, I looked in the pencil bag. It contained: 1 pencil, 1 pen, 1 blue marker, and several folded up pieces of paper. The curiosity got the best of me, and I read the notes that were in there. These notes were the reason I was taking this bag to school – so she could have these notes.

OH MY GOD. My daughter had written several love notes to a boy. And they were juicy. Now, she is 13. Way too young to be so googly over a boy in my opinion. So, I carefully wrote little memos across these notes…just to let her know I knew what she was up to. On one I wrote: “You are totally in trouble if you give this to a boy. Mom”, and on another “Stop writing notes and do your homework. Mom”, and on the two blank pieces of paper “Do not write love notes on this paper. Mom”. Yes – I am that mean. And – I happened to tell the school secretary exactly what was in my daughter’s pencil bag, and what I had done. Go me.

She will NEVER forgive me.

What if?

As I walked upstairs this morning, I heard that Kerry had conceded. Now, at the risk of being bombed or hated, I admit that I voted for Bush. I am typically pretty conservative, and I live in Texas. No other vote would have mattered, and honestly I voted for what I believe.

But – there was a tiny part of me that felt defeated. A part of me felt like it lost. I thought about it a bit and I guess I was wondering what it would be like to have another party in office now. A little part of me wondered what would change. The idea of change is fantastic! I like change. I like learning new things, meeting new people. I guess I kind of liked the idea of a new president (secretly) too. Now we are going to have 4 more years of the same old thing. Tried and true. Not much to worry about.

But I keep wondering “what if”

Yes, I Voted. No, Nobody Cares.

I should write about how I voted today, and how I feel that I have done a wonderful service for my community - for my country. But really, when you live in Texas and Bush is running for President, and the electoral votes are already promised away - your vote just doesn't count. So - I did vote, but it didn't matter...and that is why I am not going to write about it.

I am going to write about other things though. These are the things that keep me up at night, that make me pick up the phone in the middle of the day and call my husband to talk about, the things that I think of when my mind starts drifting... My kids.

I love my kids. More than I can understand myself. I love them - and I hate the fact that I am having to go through custody wars to get more time with them. Hate it. I am not even sure what I hate most. Is it when my youngest calls crying that she misses me and wants to see me? Is it when I miss something important like a playoff game for a soccer tournament because I wasn't told about it in time? Is it because I don't get report cards or important notes from school? Is it because I send their father TONS of money every month and he still can't buy them decent clothes? Is it because he still owes me money that I know I will never see? Is it because he punishes me by not letting them see me when they want? Could it be that he refuses to talk to me about anything, ever? Maybe it is because his wicked little wife pretends to be friends with everyone we have an opportunity to know, just to make me mad. Perhaps it is because I am supposed to have equal custody and we are both supposed to be raising our children, and their father just won't have any part of it....

Oh - there are so many reasons I hate all of this - I guess I just can't pick one.

Here is some good news: We have a court date for the initial custody hearing, November 16th. I found out today that my IVF retrieval could fall on that date, at that time, and they are not able to change it at all. Not by 2 hours even. They cannot tell me for sure when it will be and now I have to make a decision - reschedule the court date (for the second time and pay the attorney and look stupid on top of it) or put off IVF until next year, eating the sonogram and drug costs already invested (around $800.00). Let us not forget that I am not getting any younger, and January 2nd I will turn 37. Can I have anymore stress? Can I?

Not God's Will, My Ass

I just read this. For those of you wanting to spare yourselves the glance at the article I will post a short piece:

The world just learned that "Catholic" actress Brooke Shields is the proud mother of a new baby girl. For a long time infertility problems made it impossible for her and her husband to conceive, and after many failed attempts to conceive naturally she resorted to the technological solution: in vitro fertilization (IVF). Now she is pictured on the covers of glamorous magazines with a smiling beautiful baby girl, but some have questioned her decision to use IVF. I am one of them. Was this star wrong to have a "test tube" baby?Yes. Dead wrong.

While recognizing the pain of infertile couples and their natural desire to have a child, the Church reminds us that childbearing is a natural end of marriage, but it is not a guarantee. In the course of my ministry, I have met so many couples who were not blessed with children and humbly accepted this reality by offering their marriage for another generous end such as adoption or fostering children. I have also known couples who solved a fertility problem by prayer - yes, prayer! God is not limited by natural barriers to conception: He just wants us to find our happiness in His Will. Some couples seek happiness in something that is not overtly the Will of God and are willing to tempt God to achieve it. Brooke Shields and her husband could have humbly accepted their situation and become the national advocates for adoption instead of IVF, but they chose instead to tell God that they were going to have a child at any cost. This is both immoral and dangerous.

My analysis shows that the person who wrote this is insane. I can think of no other explanation for these words. The God I believe in does not work this way. The God I believe in would not keep someone from having a child. This God would not be responsible for miscarriages or chemical pregnancies. My God would encourange using all of our resources to accomplish our goals - in this case, use IVF to obtain pregnancy. The God that I pray to does not know this person and is embarrased by her remarks. As am I.