What did you miss?

If I did not already have two children, well on their way to adulthood, I would be terrified of the days, weeks, years to come. I would worry that I would be a bad mother, that I wouldn’t know how to take care of one baby, let alone two. I would worry that they would be born early and not get to come home with me. I would worry about finding the right daycare, choosing the right diapers, feeding them the right food. I would stress over their first cold, their first shots, when to get their pictures taken. I would think constantly about ways to get them to sleep more, be healthier, grow faster. I would worry about all of these things if these were my first children, but since they are not I am only worried about a few things.

I am worried about missing them growing up. I am worried that when they are 12 or 13, I won’t remember what they were like when they were 1 or 2. I worry that I will be so busy and tired that I will miss moments that I can never get back. This is a concern that I didn’t have with my older girls – because I didn’t know to watch out for it. I didn’t know how quickly the time would fly and how much would slip by without me capturing it in my mind to think about later.

I look at my girls now and they are so wonderful, so perfect. I love them unconditionally more than can be expressed in words – ever. And when I think about things I would do over if they were just now newborns and our whole lives were in front of us – I don’t think about using cloth diapers instead of pampers, I don’t worry about the effects of the first flu-bug that bit them, I don’t ever wonder what difference similac would have made instead of the formula they were on. I think about every day of their little lives I can remember and get sad when I realize there were times that were so difficult that I just can’t remember them anymore.

I somehow let those late nights pacing the floors with their little teary eyes looking up at me escape my memory. I don’t wish I had more sleep – I wish I had more time with them – just like they were…screaming or crying or just staring at me wanting to be loved. I wish those times were still here in a way or that I could remember them better…

So – with these two on their way, I have not given but a brief thought to what type of bottle to use, or what daycare they will go to. I have not considered what formula they will drink or begun to dream of a schedule that will get me sleep. I am looking forward to every single minute of their being…I can’t wait to hear the crying, to see the grumbly little faces staring at me in the middle of the night when I have not slept for days. I am so looking forward to cuddling with them, and walking with them, and watching them simply breathe.