Stand by for Excitement!

Yesterday I was SO sick. All day long – so much of the sickness. I have NEVER in my life had a headache that bad…not from even the worst hangover ever. It was the headache from hell. Light, sound, smells – everything made me want to throw up, and most were successful. Just writing about it makes me queasy. Today I only have a normal, dull headache, which I am HAPPY to have! How sad is that? I also lost 3 pounds yesterday due to eating next-to-nothing all day. I spent a total of 2 hours out of bed, and finally got up today only because my hips hurt from laying in bed for a whole day. Now I am at work wondering how I will make it through this very long day – trying to find a way to get out of the 7 meetings that are ahead of me… 7. What kind of crazy schedule has 7 meetings in a day? And this is a SLOW day. Jeeeesh.

Saturday was a nice day at home. I didn’t do any work. At all. I love those days. We went to the bagel shop and then hung around home, watched some bad television, went out to dinner, and generally took it easy. We talked about going to a play, but they all started at 8pm, and well, I don’t stay up past 9 anymore, so that was out. Poor pregnant woman can’t stay up past 9. Funny.

This week is half fun/half hell. My husband is out of town all week, which is sad. But, my girls are with me from Wednesday until March 13th, which is good. They are on spring break next week and for some odd reason their dad decided they could just come over Wednesday and stay through spring break. I don’t know what has happened to him, but I like it. My husband said it is because he must have plans later this week…which is most likely true, but as long as I get to be with the girls, I am happy.

So that is a recap of my life – pretty exciting…yeah.

Please Make the Days Longer

I have been traveling for a few days (for work) and am finally home. I love home. I am NOT a fan of traveling anymore… I feel HUGE and tired and grumpy all the time. I am hungry at odd times and have no way to eat when on the road. People throw donuts on a table and call it breakfast, they skip lunch and eat dinner at 8pm. Sorry folks, but that doesn’t work for pregnant people. That shit just won’t fly. I need REAL food and LOTS of it. If I don’t have food, I throw up. Sounds silly – but it is true. I get dizzy and the day goes to crap very quickly if all I eat in the morning is sweets.

I honestly did nothing fun over the past few days. I went to Louisville, KY and froze my butt off. I then went to El Paso and witnessed a hail storm. That is the excitement I was faced with… Yep. Whee.

Now that I am back I have a mountain of work to do, hundreds of emails to read and respond to, back to back meetings for two days, and no time to do anything. Lovely.

Traveling

So I am traveling over the next three days for work (even though I said I was NOT going to travel when I am pregnant). I am going to Louisville, KY and El Paso, TX. Shut up! It is not like I chose those spots.

I will be back Thursday - until then...be a smart-ass for me.

Laundry

I have a stack of laundry that if piled properly would reach about 8 feet. Am I folding it? Hell no.

Pounding and Throbbing

No - that is not a sexual statement. No sex to be had here until September. Oh dear god in heaven, save me...

Pounding and throbbing is what my head is doing right now. The pain. So much of the pain. I swear this rivals a Lupron Headache. I feel like I should puncture my skull with a large nail and maybe the pressure would subside. However I have this sneaking suspicion that it would only increase the pain.

I woke up this morning - well actually the dogs got me up at 3:00, 3:15, 3:30, 5:00, 6:00, and finally 7:00 to go outside, where they proceeded to dig and eat strange things in the back yard. Stupid dogs. They always do this to me when my husband is out of town...they would NEVER do this to him...he would kick their little doggie asses. Anyway, I woke up this morning (for the final time) at 7:00 and had this KILLER headache. I knew I needed to eat - but wanted no part of that. I choked down juice and wondered around for a while in a sleepy, headachey stupor, and finally took residence on the big leather chair where I have remained for HOURS. I did have to get up to pee the requisite 15 times as all pregnant women do - but other than that - here I sit.

I cannot figure out why my head is revolting. What did I do to you, head? Why are you so pissed off at me? I didn't make you wear a stupid hat yeasterday, I didn't do strange things to my hair, I didn't injure you - why are you being so mean to me? I will get even. I will wash you later AND put my hair up - and I might even stick a hat on you - so there!

Just Another Day

It is simply another day. And I am pregnant, which is making these days drag on and on and on and... yeah, you get the idea. My back hurts everyday by 1:30 in the afternoon. I have some very odd pressure kind of pains in areas not meant for public (or is it pubic) description. I am crampy. Did I mention the backache? The mere thought of food makes me sick one moment and hungry enough to eat the leg off of a frozen dog the next. I wake up in a fantastic mood and within 45 minutes am ready for the day to be over so that I can put on sweat pants and lay in bed. This is what I have been reduced to by two tiny beings that weigh 3 oz. each and are each only 5 inches long. How can they make me so miserable?

Dinner...dinner...dinner... yuck. Everything sounds horrible. What in the world am I going to do about dinner? Even the staples of pregnancy sound bad - mac & cheese...no freaking way, spaghettios...keep em away from me, bologna...not unless you want to see me throw up. Then there are the hangover foods (no, I am not hung over...jeesh) - McDonalds / Whataburger...I don't think so, soup...not gonna happen, pancakes (because they taste the same coming up as they did going down)...I can't even think about those nasty sweet things. Chicken? No. Beef? Barf. Pizza? Only without the dough, cheese, sauce and any toppings ;) Pasta? Can't possibly get that near me. What is wrong with me? I have been through this "I can't eat" thing before and I am fine until about 1:30 in the morning. Then I get so hungry that I want to eat my pillow - best to avoid that situation.

I am very very anxious to not be pregnant, and yet at the same time I don't want the day to come when I have to figure out how to care for two babies at one time. I am excited and scared. Goofy? Yes, I know. But, it is my reality. I do not like the pregnancy thing. I am not excited about my belly growing or wearing maternity clothes. I do not care about my labor experience or how I deliver. I just want to get to the part where I take home babies. I am not your ideal pregnant woman. I don't glow, or shine, or do much other than swear and wish it were over with. I - am not very fun to be around, am I?

Time Does NOT = Quality

I am anxious to start maternity leave. It is not so much that I am lazy, I just can’t stand my job right now and I would love to “stick it to the man” – so I am pushing for short term disability next doctor’s visit. Because I have worked for this company for such a long time, I will get 26 weeks of disability at 100% of my pay – which…well, SIGN ME UP FOR THAT! That means that if I go to 37 weeks of pregnancy (which is my goal), I will deliver July 19th. I will then need 10 weeks off before returning to work, which means I have 16 weeks prior to July 19th available for disability… so I can go on leave as early as March 29th. Guess what I am doing March 30th? NOTHING. Exactly NOTHING.

How bad am I? Well, I will tell you what. I deserve this time off. Just yesterday my “big boss” told me that anyone not in the office a minimum of 10 hours a day (including weekends – although you can work from home then) is NOT doing their job. WTF? Since when did full time mean 70 hours a week? My body just can’t take it at this point. I am not able to build two babies and put in 70 hours a week…he has lost his freaking mind. Seriously. What is he thinking? And – he is Old School, meaning that he doesn’t care what his little cronies are doing for 10 hours a day, as long as they are visible and in the office. Most of his direct reports are in a lot of meetings but I don’t see anything significant produced by them. There are many of us who are not in here 50-70 hours a week and are much more successful in our jobs. Time does NOT equal quality. Moron.

Getting There

I was in the most excellent mood yesterday and I wish I knew the secret recipe…because it felt so fantastic. Today I am a bit tired, but not too bad overall. I think I am finally out of the first trimester blahs. I can look at food without feeling yucky and I can make it all day without a nap (never mind that I now need 10 hours of sleep a night). I am not having cramps, or headaches, or morning sickness. My back doesn’t ache as much. I don’t have to pee every 15 seconds… It is like I am almost normal. Wow – who knew that normal was “just around the corner” ?

So pregnancy is not all that bad this week. I am getting bigger which cracks me up. I look at my stomach and laugh at the little ball in the middle of it. I actually am amused that none of my normal clothes fit. I think the maternity clothes are funny, but new and a little exciting – sick, I know. We just bought some more recently so now I actually have many things to choose from, which makes going to work much easier.

I have also started thinking and dreaming about the babies a lot. Some of the dreams are pretty odd – ones where I am a bad mother, leaving them places, or dropping them. Others are just normal life with two babies – I like those dreams the best. I am excited to meet them – to have them at home with us…not inside me like little aliens. That will be nice.

Only 23 more weeks to go!

Great Expectations

Do you know what you are supposed to accomplish before your life is over?

I wonder if we are here for a purpose – if we are supposed to do great things in our life, or simply just survive – which at times seems like a great effort.

I think about what I have done, and it is not very impressive:
I have had two children…two more are on the way
I have had a job since I was 15
I managed to piss off my mother at every turn of childhood
I used to go to church 3 times a week growing up, but now have not set foot in one in years
I am not good at saving money
I don’t have very many close friends
I don’t like my job very much
I write in my journal on occasion, not very regularly…
I like to run…long distances
I like to work out and stay healthy
I love my husband and love spending time with him
I know how to play the piano, knit, and lay around all day long and still be tired

Wow – what a lame list. I have not accomplished much in life have I?

I would love to:
See Mt. Everest
Shoot under 80 in a round of golf
Go to Fiji
See my great-grand children before I die
Still be active at 70
Never live in a nursing home
Retire by 60, happily and with enough money to survive in a nice manner
Own my own company, be my own boss, set my own hours…
Have a cabin in the woods
Live in Austin
Ski every winter
Spend lots of time with my children

But none of those things are grand – they don’t make any lasting impression on the world. Am I just not ambitious enough? Why don’t I want to cure cancer or walk across the US, or travel the world? Why am I content just to live and not be unhappy?

A Penny for your Thoughts, a Dollar for your Friendship

How do grown adults find friends?

The days of going to school and hanging out on the playground, twirling my hair hoping someone would ask me to play are long gone – sort of. I still feel like the kid with no friends on the playground, but am no longer surrounded by much of a friend-finding environment.

I have thought about the options here: Family - nope, the few remaining alive are not people I want to be around – ever. Work – this is not my favorite place these days, and honestly I work on a floor separate from my real co-workers, and never see them. So I am surrounded by people I don’t know, and who appear to not want to know me. I have been in this office for a few years and know one person on the floor. Human Resources is locked away behind me, so I only have access to a few non-English speaking programmers anyway – not exactly fun friends since I only speak English. 4/5ths of the people I work with are men. No offense to the men out there, but they are not exactly what I am looking for. I want a girlfriend to get my nails done with – go to a happy hour with (when I am NOT pregnant – duh), to shop with and talk on the phone to. I don’t want to worry about who is interested in sleeping with me, or who is trying to get promoted and are therefore being nice to me on those grounds.

I don’t go to church. My teenage girls, although involved in sports, spend most sports time with their dad – so no opportunity to meet those moms really exists. What does this leave? I don’t belong to any clubs. I was not in a sorority in college – so no leftover friends there. And the few girls I grew up as friends with are really out of touch. One announced she was a lesbian years ago and has never been comfortable talking to her old friends since. Another is on the same path, and is out of touch with most everyone she used to talk to. And the third close friend had a few miscarriages and abandon all of her friends who had children. All of these are good reasons – certainly not blaming them at all. But it leaves me feeling a little lonely.

What is a girl to do?

Star Performer

I have a gold star.

I went to the baby doctor yesterday to follow up on my surgery from a week ago. I heard two very wonderful heartbeats which sounded a little like trains going up a hill. I was told the heart rates were at 140 and 150. Good? No idea. If my heart were beating that fast, I would be worried. I was also told that I am doing fantastic. Better than my doctor ever expected and am not going to have to be seen again for a month. I have gone from SUPER HIGH RISK PREGNANT WITH TWINS WOMAN to regular old pregnant women. It feels good.

I go back in 4 weeks for another appointment and then a week after that for a sonogram. We should be able to see the gender of the babies then. I am excited for that. My girls will be on spring break, and their dad and step-mom will be out of town so they will actually HAVE to be with me that whole week – so maybe they will want to go and see the babies too. I know my oldest daughter will want to go – but who knows about the younger grumpy one.
So – there is not much to tell in pregnancy related news and I guess there won’t be for a while. Which is nice. But – I do wish I could go more often just to hear the heartbeats…

Teenage Angst

My youngest daughter is slipping away from me. I can feel her growing further away daily. I can see it in her eyes, hear it in voice, and can tell by her actions.

She has always been a daddy’s girl in some respects, but lately has completely fallen under his spell and for the most part, wants nothing to do with me. It is breaking my heart. Not only does she prefer her father’s company, but her step-mother’s as well. I am sure that this is where the real pain lies. I am her mother, and I love her more than my very life. Yet, she really doesn’t want to be with me, talk to me, or listen to me. I am simply a method of providing her things that she wants, when she wants them.

For a while now she has continually defended her father’s insane decisions, rotten attitude and lack of respect for me. She has supported his desire to limit their time with me to the bare minimum in the divorce decree. She gets angry when her father’s and step-mother's obvious poor decisions affecting my girls are discussed (even though she brings them up in the first place).

My plan of attack had been to be the bigger person. Only speak well of their father. Support all decisions that my daughter makes – even if it means I don’t see her very much. When she is supposed to be with us and would rather be at her dad’s (which happens more and more each day) I have supported her and let her go. And I have done this even though her father will not ever do the same if one of them wishes to see me out of turn. I listen to her complaining about her step-mother, step-brothers, and father. I listen and offer no comments even if it drives me mad. Because any comment supporting her anger makes her lash out at me as if the whole issue is my fault. Any comment not supporting her sparks the same attitude.

I am in the midst of a teenager that I cannot handle. One that is no fun to be around. One that doesn’t want to be with me and makes it clear every day. How do I handle this? Do I simply suck it up and tell myself that one day she will come back to me? Do I pull away from her, providing just the essentials and leave her to continue to find happiness and comfort in her father? What would you do?