Our Little Crack Baby

Many of our conversations drift to babies. It is my fault. It is filling my mind. Babies, babies, babies. Must. Have. Baby. Yesterday, we were in the car going to pick up the girls (take note - they were not with us YET - which makes this conversation a tiny bit less sick and twisted than if they were in the car) and ended up talking about a T-shirt site a friend sent me.

One of my favorite T's is : PLAYGROUND PIMP Your baby is the baddest ass in the sandbox...get him this baby t-shirt and he'll be pulling all the baby bitches

God I love the good, clean humor!

"ooooh - we should get one that says "Crack Baby"

"Well, that would be enterprising. Our baby would be a bad ass. He would walk around selling crack to all his baby friends - so it is not like he would be a user...just a pusher"

"Quite enterprising really. He will be the richest baby around"

"He will be The Man - all of the other babies will come to him for their supply"

"Who could be opposed to that? Certainly not the visitation social study people. Our baby will be rich."

"Who's low rider is that in your front yard - the one with the tinted windows and light-up license plate? Why that belongs to our baby. He bought it with his crack money. And in 15 1/2 years he will be able to drive it"

"What a good little crack baby"

"No way God is ever gonna let us have kids"

"hmmmm"

All IVF, All the Time

Are you seeing a pattern here? You should. If you don't, you will. This sight will now be dedicated to my obsessing over IVF. It won't make sense. I won't sound rational. I will think about, complain and psycho-analyze everything, at least six times. Yes - I will be just like a 14 year old girl with her first real crush.

For you girls out there, you know exactly what I mean. For you boys, all I can say is that we talked about you. A lot. All the time. For many, many, many countless hours. In fact, if I could have that time back now, I would be 10 years younger...I am sure of it.

I got a call from the Dr. yesterday afternoon. Well, I missed the call and was graced with a lovely message on the recorder. I am not starting Lupron tonight. I don't know why. They just said that they got my blood levels back and I won't be starting until Friday - maybe. First I don't bleed, then I fail the blood test. Perhaps it was all that wine I drank the night before... "um, doctor - we can't start her Lupron tonight, she is still drunk". Add to the great news that they are not going to be open the rest of the day...so I get to call them back tomorrow and try to find out why I am delayed / why I flunked. I am a flunker. Well that - and a drinker. Go me.

Yesterday in the office, when I asked what it meant if my tests came back different than they wanted, I was told it would delay us a cycle. Now I am told two days. No idea why I am confused... makes perfect sense to me. All I keep thinking is "please don't let this whole experience be a giant mess of cloudy confusion" - although it is not like my mind can control it - so what is the point really?

14 year old girl obsessing...that is what I am to become once again.

Thoughts about IVF

• The blood test is no big deal.

It should be no big deal. It should be fairly quick. And it would have - if it were not for my inability to bleed this morning. At all. Who knew that the body can just choose not to bleed? This better not be a sign of how my body plans to cooperate.

• Don’t get your hopes up, or you may be setting yourself up for a huge let-down.

Of course my hopes are up. If I had no faith what-so-ever in IVF, why would I be spending so freaking much money on it?

• If it is in God’s will, you will get pregnant.

How could God NOT want anyone to be pregnant? My husband and I talked about this one. Although we both believe in God – I am a little less interested in “God’s will”. He thinks it is because my mother was a Jesus-freak when I was growing up, and as a result, I am filled up to the top with God talk. I guess I agree. I should not be so bitter about this, but I read all of these stories online and can’t understand what kind of God would will people to go through infertility and miscarriages. It just doesn’t seem very Godly.

• The shots are not that bad.

First off, the people telling me this are not ones who have to inject themselves. And the needle for some of this medicine – worse looking than the evil Novocain stuff the dentist uses. Bigger than my toothbrush. Comparable to PVC pipe if you ask me – not that I exaggerate or anything.

• If your blood levels are good, you can start Lupron tonight.

And when I asked what would happen if the levels are not good, I was told that I get the lucky prize of waiting another month. By god blood, you better be good!

• Alcohol is bad for the developing embryos.

We asked if I can still drink – alcohol, coffee, etc while on the Lupron – and the answer, after very odd looks from the staff at the Dr. office was “….ummmm, yes”. Do you think they wrote I am an alcoholic on my chart? I think they did.

Talk About Things Other Than Work

If I were going to talk about work here, which I am not - I would tell you how much I don't like my job.

I would tell you that life in a delivery organization is about as bad as I can imagine it.

I would tell you that IT is just not that exciting.

I would tell you that I am happy that I can work from home when I so choose, but I wish I didn't have to work at all.

I would tell you that I don't really like the person I work for, and that I feel like I do all of that person's work with no support.

I would tell you that I procrastinate as much as humanly possible to avoid doing any real work as often as possible.

I would tell you how much I want a new job, and how difficult it is right now to find one.

I would tell you that I never dreamt I would be middle management when I grew up.

I would tell you that I have excelled far beyond anything I thought possible, but am still unhappy.

I would tell you that my company loves me - enough to never give me a raise or bonus.

I would tell you all of these things - if I were going to talk about my job here, which I am not.

A Love Letter to My Husband

For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

-James Baldwin



Every moment I am with you, I love you more than the moment before. It feels as if we have been in love our whole lives, yet we have not known each other even a decade. I wonder what exists in the two of us to make us to make me love you so much, so unconditionally, so completely.

When I look at you, I remember very clearly the first day I knew that I loved you. I remember what you were wearing, how you smelled, how you looked at me. I remember so many moments with you and all of them are filled with wonder and happiness and joy.

I cannot imagine a day on this earth without you. I do not want a future without you in it. I love you with all of heart, all of my soul.

Crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Things that drive me crazy when reading online journals:

1. "Squee" Just stop it already. Nobody freaking says "Squee" - so CUT IT OUT. I hate reading it. You can't like typing it. It is insane.
2. "Gah" - nobody says that either. For god's sake, just stop! Write like you speak...it is not that difficult. I understand dramatic effect - but we have to draw the line.
3. Opening your journal for comments, and then getting pissed off when someone comments. Please. If you want to hear what people say - be prepared for them to say exactly what they are thinking, exactly when they are thinking it. Otherwise, keep your journal to yourself, and stop pimping it to the rest of the world.
4. Stop lecturing the readers of your journal. When you tell someone your troubles, they want to help. Either listen to them and filter what is useful and what is not, or don't listen. But for Christ's sake, stop listening and then bitching about it. What is the point there?
5. If we read your journal, we enjoy your writing - it is nothing personal. We don't want to be you, visit you, live with you, and poke through your garbage. Stop being so paranoid.
6. If you are asking for donations, quit your complaining about people asking personal information. You are a step above a man on the corner with a sign saying "will work for food" - be happy and be quiet about it.
7. If you don't like my journal, don't read it. If I don't like yours, I won't read it. No comments needed...but please, feel free if it makes you feel better. Sticks and stones...
8. This is therapy for me. I suppose I like it if someone reads it, but for the most part it feels good just to write. I don't need to be read to feel worthy of anything. You shouldn't need this either. It is the writing that is good - not so much the being read. If it is the being read that you crave, publishing a book might be the better route to mental stability.
9. Online and real life do not equal same thing. Just because you think you know someone since you have been reading their creative writing for a long time really means nothing. Think of the times you have elaborated or exaggerated on here. Do you think that we are all totally honest in our "creative" writing? Yeah.
10. LOL, ROFL, LMAO - let them go. They are old, old, old - and tired.

Am I in a mood or what?

You LOVE him. You want to MARRY him!

An actual conversation from today:

Me to dog: You look bored.

Husband to dog: It’s true – you do.

Me to dog: Why don’t you go outside and play with your brother?

Husband to dog: It sounds like she is trying to get rid of you. She doesn’t love you.

Me to dog: I don’t want to get rid of you. I love you. But I don’t want to marry you. That’s just not right.

Husband to dog: It’s true. Most civilizations frown upon human-dog marriages.


Yes…this is my life

Wearing Your Heart on the Outside

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.

-Elizabeth Stone


I agree with this 100%. Having children is a difficult task. It is a life-long commitment, full of more emotions than I ever knew existed before my girls were born. Sure, I knew having children would be difficult...but I didn't know just how hard it would be. Not really.

Funny thing is, the things I thought would be hard are not the hard things now. I was prepared for back-talk, not wanting to do homework, not wanting to do chores, wanting to spend the night at someone's house ALL THE TIME. Talking on the phone too much. I was prepared for little versions of me.

What I was not anticipating was children that:

• Are as smart or smarter than me - have more common sense
• Have such a sharp sense of humor
• Can melt me with a smile
• Are so fun to be around
• Want to be independent
• Are naive (and yet I have to give them room to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them - what is up with THAT?)
• Are not really children at all, but rather 'little people'
• Grow up too quickly
• Are right more than they are wrong
• Are right as often as I am if not more
• Are honest, and trustworthy
• Imitate everything they see

I look at my girls and am amazed at how fantastic they are. They have such big hearts. They are smarter than I imagined they would be at this age. And they are growing up so fast. This scares me more than I can say, yet at the same time I am excited for them. I am thrilled to see them do so well in this life.

It is hard to want them to grow and be independent yet want to keep them away from all of the bad things in this world. How do you keep them safe and let them grow at the same time?

Word of the Day

Chimera \ky-MIR-uh\, noun:

1. A fire-breathing she-monster represented as having a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.

2. Amnesia at her finest

3. Any teenage girl

Signs

As I was dropping my daughter off at school a few weeks ago, I saw a bus pull up that had warnings posted on the side. There were signs and words of caution for people approaching, passing, coming anywhere near the giant yellow accident-waiting-to-happen.

The bus had a big banner that said
"Following a few simple warnings could save a life:"
and it had pictures for signs such as Stop and Yield and Railroad Crossing

As I was waiting for a break in traffic to leave the parking lot from hell, I started thinking about the warnings...and how we needed them in everyday life. There are just too many stupid people out there NOT to have daily "how to live life" signs...don't you think?

Signs I feel would help us all:

• Be careful what you say - it WILL come back to haunt you
• If it seems easy, you are probably Doing it wrong
• All people have feelings - do not do things to intentionally hurt them
• Designated drivers really ARE a GOOD idea
• Kids are fragile - please don't break them
• Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'
• Waiters and Waitresses are PEOPLE - Treat them as such
• Be nice to animals
• It is your own responsibility to make yourself happy
• Life is a gift, not a right
• Marriage is work, and well worth it
• You cannot make someone love you
• You have to earn even your children's respect

What others can you think of?