CIO

“Cry it out” is wonderful, in theory. However in reality it sucks. Bad. It is hard to hear the boys crying and watch the clock just to reach the minimum 10 minutes until I am supposed to go in and check on them…especially when Roark screams loud enough to wake the dead. It is sad to hear them cry. I wish that they were so well-adjusted and happy that they would lay their little heads down and simply drift peacefully to sleep all the while smiling happily at me and possibly mumbling “mommy, I love you.” Is that so much to ask?

We have been doing the whole jogging 21 days thing and have already missed one. We ran 6 days straight and then I caved and took Saturday off. We then ran yesterday and today – but I have not been up to par and have not jogged far any day. I am so out of shape and even the slightest northern wind makes me tired. Add a hill to the picture and I am barely able to function while running. Seriously. I used to run A LOT, and now – 3 miles is HARD…and I have to walk. That – is sad. I have run marathons for god’s sake – this shouldn’t be that hard. Yet – the year off to have the boys and recover from the ear-infection-from-hell has taken a toll on my body. Perhaps if I quite complaining it would be easier – but we will never know…

Names

We are guilty of nick-naming our kids and using those names way more often then their real names. I am sure it is going to be a great source of confusion when they are a bit older...

Roark:
Raorkasaur
Roark-a-dork
Dork

Cole:
Coley-moley
Coley Kong
The Mole
Kong

They both get called Butt at various times during the day - as in "you are such a butt" or "god, he is being a BUTT" - but only out of love...yeah.

There is also this really stupid cheer I do with Roark - and no, I don't know why:

Your big, B-I-G
and your bad, B-A-D
and your Roark, ROAR!!!!!

Stuff I think about...

It is hard to work and have kids. However, I think it would be harder for me to not work and have kids. I love my boys. More than I thought possible. I love being with them. I love the weekends and evenings with them. I love seeing them in the mornings. I love them – I do. But I am not sure how stay home moms stay sane. Where is the ‘break’ from the constant crying, whining, and needing? How do you find a ‘self’ outside of being a mom, or is the feeling of accomplishment from being a full time mom what makes you able to face each day? I struggle with this. I wonder how I would be able to do such a hard thing – take care of the boys 24x7 and still feel like a person outside of being a mom. Does that make sense or make me sound like an asshole – or both? I never wanted to be a stay-home mom. I don’t resent having to work. I am guessing that I just have not experienced the joy of being with the boys all the time, so I don’t what I am deciding against… you tell me.

I am starting to feel the subtle effects of my husband’s mother living with us. She is a wonderful person and I love her very much, however these days the house seems smaller and many little things that never used to matter are driving me crazy. I just really want time with the boys and my husband that is just ours…and we really don’t have that now. She isn’t intrusive in our lives, but she does live here, so there is really no down time from that. I can’t really explain it without feeling like I am ungrateful or mean – which isn’t my intent at all. I just really, really want to feel like a grown up that has her own family instead of a teenager babysitting while her mom is around to make sure nothing goes wrong.

I want a new job. One that doesn’t suck so much.

I actually do know how to write in complete, grammatically correct sentences – only I don’t feel like I think that way, so why write that way? Dilemma.

My ear…I am finally not taking high-powered pain killers but am still on the Zyvox for a few more days. I am seriously looking forward to finishing these evil drugs so that I can see if my energy will return. My vision is strange since I have been on this drug, my skin itches and my eyes are puffy. Dr. Google says it is an allergic reaction. I just want to finish it and get better. Do you realize that I have been sick since August with the damn ear thing? MRSA has kicked my ass this past year, and I looking forward to a healthy 2006. Seriously.

I have started running again after a very long break due to above freaking illness. My goal is to run 21 days straight and see if I can get back in the habit of it. I have heard that after 21 days of repetition an activity becomes a habit. I don’t know if it is true, but I do know that I need to start living a healthier life and this seems to be a good start. In addition we are eating healthier. I hate healthy eating. I love fast food and garbage. I also love all of my old clothes because I already own them – so instead of buying new bigger ones, I am going to get smaller and save some money.

I am addicted to American Idol. It is my crack. I look forward to it and no matter how horrible it is, I have to watch. Oh the silliness I fill my head with. Do you think I secretly wish I didn’t sing like a skinned cat and could audition and be loved by millions when I was the only remaining star at the end of the season? That WOULD be fun, but alas I cannot even hum without the neighbors calling animal control claiming there was something being tortured in our home – so you won’t ever see me on that show. Instead I will sit at home and make fun of the people trying to make it.

Dinners are boring. I am running out of new things to make and now only search for the easiest recipes I can find that don’t make me want to throw up. I – am lazy.

I wish I could take 3 naps a day every day.

My kids have been in their pajamas all day long and I have NO intention of putting anything different on them. No – I don’t live in a trailer and I am not currently wearing a tank top, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer while holding the babies. Plus – the little snowman footie pajamas are cute. So what if it is 60 degrees and sunny out.

Milestones

I am worried that I will forget all of these things that fill my days now. It seems like the boys are changing daily and I have not captured much of their progress. I don't take pictures anymore. I don't capture cuteness on video, and I don't write at all. I just know that my memory will fail me and I will wish I had kept better track of changes...

Playing: Roark and Cole are smiling a lot now, and they roll around quite a bit. However, they refuse to sit up on their own and tip over if you try to make them sit them up. They like to stand holding onto someone’s hands, but have no real balance of their own. They are very social now and love to jabber and watch everything around them. They both love to play with their toys on the floor – a little cheap blue rattle is one of the favorites. They also enjoy chewing on plastic books. They love the jumping chair, and tolerate the exersaucer-chair-thing. They each have a walker, but are only interested in those if they are by a window so that they can look longingly outside. They LOVE outside, and are usually fantastic on walks.

Demeanor: Roark still enjoys a good scream. He is a very serious child, and simply will not tolerate anything less than perfection. He is at his most annoying when in the car – he HATES the car. He hates it, and wants everyone on flippin’ earth to know. Have you heard distant high-pitched wailing lately? It was my son, and I do apologize. Cole is still the polar opposite of Roark in both looks and personality. He is the most fun-loving, easy-going baby I have ever been around. Everything is funny. Schedules do not matter to him, and he eats ALL THE TIME! 3:00am? Cole is hungry. Midnight? Cole is hungry. 45 minutes after his last bottle? He is hungry.

Sleep: We have started putting the boys to bed while they are still awake (instead of rocking them to sleep or putting them in the swing) and I have to say – they are not fans. Roark will hang out in his bed and play a bit, but when he gets really tired he begins his irritating screaming. He can keep that up for at least 20 minutes…maybe longer. He eventually roles over and goes to sleep. Cole on the other hand will fall asleep while hanging out in his bed, but if he conks out on his back, he will wake up way too early and refuses to go back to sleep. He seldom cries when going to bed, and will usually only cry when he wakes up if he is really hungry.

Food: The boys drink around 4 bottles a day. They eat cereal (oatmeal or rice cereal) for breakfast and have vegetables and fruit for dinner. They are learning to master the sippy-cup (if master means they are able to pour more on their faces then in their mouths) and are huge fans of cookies and other foods they can pick up and chew on. They HATE the baby foods that have any kinds of solids in them, but they can eat zwieback toast, baby biscuits, and cheerios. What is up with that? Freaks.

Crawling: They don’t crawl. They don’t walk. They don’t have jobs or pay taxes, but the do roll and scoot. They will sometimes rock back and forth on their hands and knees, but show no signs of mobility beyond that. Still, we can tell that it is right around the corner and are going to start baby-proofing this weekend. If we wait too much longer we could end up with injured kids.
Overall Analysis: Two normal 8 month old kids, who are only supposed to be 5 months old. They are a little slow if you judge based on actual age, a little a head if you go by adjusted age. Busy - busy, busy, busy. Always eating, or pooping, or crying, or playing. Always doing something, and very seldom are they sleeping.

Post Number 300

My husband and I have both started traveling a bit for work. I miss him when we are not together – especially when I am home and he is gone. It is not because it is more difficult to take care of the boys (although it is). And it is not because I have to deal with dinner every night (although I do). It is also not because the dogs drive me crazy (which they do). Or because I have to do all of the baby laundry (which I SHOULD).

I miss so many other things when he is gone like:

• Watching CNN together in the morning and talking about the crazy world we live in
  
• Continuously commenting on how cute / silly / difficult / crazy the boys are
  
• Drinking a glass of wine together at dinner (drinking alone is just…wrong, but at times it makes my evening just a little bit better)
  
• Going to bed and waking up together
  
• Sneaking away for lunch together (and no, that is not code for sex, although I TOTALLY miss sex)
  
• Jogging / working out together – inspiring each other to eat right and stay fit
  
• Wandering into his office to tell him stupid jokes / interesting facts / not-so-interesting facts during the day
  

I miss you – hurry home safely.

Yes Virginia. There is a Santa Claus

So how were your holidays? Were the Elves good to you? Our Christmas was nice and quiet. Very quiet. Lots of sleeping...and taking of the drugs here. I had surgery scheduled in early December, and well, that didn't go so well. So, I ended up getting my head punctured, squeezed and drained. And then, right before Christmas had surgery again. Poor, poor ear. I do have a nice Frankenstein scar to show for it. Had over a dozen stiches and a nice little drain sticking out of my head for a while. It still hurts too, but I do admit that I am the world's BIGGEST baby.

I have been sleep a lot. More than I should. My poor husband has taken the brunt of baby-care in the interim - but I am trying to bounce back and make it up to him. Hard when the narcotics are so good. And I have learned about Ambien, which is nice. Sleep comes so easily. I am now a prescription drug addict. Zyvox, Percocet, Vicodin, Ciprodex, Zofran (medicine of the Gods - I swear) to list a few. I have learned that I am 1) allergic to phenergran and 2) allergic to vicodin and 3) Benedryl is a wonder drug and I love it much.

So Christmas here brought a cool bench, lots of movies and music (ever heard of Mae or Augustana?) and the new Bon Jovi rocks. Seriously. My husband surprised me with lots of great, great books and plenty of lazy rest time. I loved it. He makes the holidays fun - something that nobody has been able to do for me my whole life.

Gift Ideas

I can't even quite say how I came across this, but I can say that YOU MUST BUY THESE! Or, simply laugh at them and wonder why they exist... seriously. Go look.

Heh - Jesus playing hockey. Check 'em!!!!

I'm Fun!

These bibs are a riot!

High on Life

Do you think of yourself as emotional? Are you easily caught up in a book or movie or conversation – so much so that you get visibly choked up? I am not one of those people. I never used to be anyway… As time passes, I seem to become more and more emotional. I wonder why? I tend to think it is due to being less concerned about what others think and more interest in living than I used to be. I am getting a glimpse of how short life is. I am also coming to realize that life is about living it – the good, the bad, the joy, the sadness, even the overwhelming things that we all face. The only thing we have in life – is, well – living it. I don’t know what I used to think this whole life thing was about – but I was certainly in a hurry to get on to the next thing. I took great pride in never crying at the movies, or not caring much about anyone (at least not openly). I tried desperately to never get too attached to anyone, just in case they disappointed me. Now – I don’t care about the same things. I don’t care about image, or protecting myself as much. I get satisfaction from feeling whatever comes my way, from testing my emotions, from falling head over heals in love. I think this is the better way to live.

My Children WILL NOT be Going to Indiana University

I grew up in South Bend, Indiana. We lived within a few miles of Notre Dame. Ask me where I went to college? Go ahead. What? Notre Dame? Hell no! I went to Indiana University. I think about it now and wonder why on earth I didn’t go to our home-town school. Money? Maybe. However I think the main reason was that I wanted to get away from home. I wanted to feel “on my own” and experience a new place. After spending my freshman year at home in a community college so that I could save some money, I just couldn’t wait to leave. And leave I did.

IU was not the best thing that ever happened to me. There are a lot of idiots that hang out near colleges waiting for trouble. There are a lot of stupid girls away from home for the first time that think that they are invincible. There are a lot of folks in the college administration that want to make the general public think that nothing bad happens at their school.

I had gone jogging fairly late one evening, and was victim to some creep hanging out near the stadium. It was scary and horrible and humiliating and mind-numbing and a million other feelings that I can’t even begin to describe. There just are not words… I ended up at a friends dorm not far from where it happened. I didn’t know where else to go or what to do. I really don’t even remember why I went there – I just know that I did. After arguing with her for hours I finally agreed to go the hospital.

I have to tell those of you without this type of experience that the hospital exam is almost worse than the rape. I was terrified. I was hurt. I don’t know if I was in shock, but I know that I had experienced about all that I could handle. And I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to hide and not speak to anyone – ever again. What I didn’t want was a room full of doctors, nurses and detectives asking me questions, taking blood, hair, and other miscellaneous samples for the next few hours. I also didn’t want to spend hours at the police station speaking to other detectives and making an official statement.

The days and weeks that followed were some of the hardest I have faced. Notes started showing up at my dorm threatening me. Flowers showed up with no name on them. The guy that I was sure had raped me showed up in the dorm lunch hall and began talking to me. The police finally had me guarded 24x7, but it did little to make me feel any better. One day in February he showed up at my dorm, pushed his way into my room and attacked me. I was thrown out the second story window, and since the police were within view of the window – was immediately taken to the hospital.

There were witnesses that saw the guy enter the dorm, push me out the window, and leave the dorm running. The Bloomington police had witnessed part of it. And yet, the campus police – didn’t believe any of it. Seriously. They claimed that it didn’t happen and that I ‘made it up” – and suggested that I get an attorney as they would be pressing charges – on me! WTF?

My mother hired an attorney who interviewed the Bloomington police, the hospital doctors that treated me, and the other witnesses. DNA evidence was collected from both me and my dorm room. I was interviewed and tested by a psychiatrist (tests revealing that I was normal kid who had suffered a traumatic event) And, after one face-to-face meeting with my lawyer and the school, all charges were dropped and the investigation handed over the Bloomington police with the school’s full cooperation.

The school wanted to protect their statistics so that parents and kids wouldn’t be scared off. They apparently convince kids to not report dangerous incidents so that their stats look good and they don’t lose enrollments because of the rapes or other bad events that happen. Apparently in the 70’s IU had a serious rape problem – and most of them occurred out by the stadium. Go figure. However since the school officials had started abusing victims, their stats had drastically improved… so, yeah.

In the end, I didn’t press charges against the school. I didn't even pursue finding my attacker. I left school and wanted to forget everything that happened. I pushed all of those events to the back of my memory and tried to never think of them again.

I was contacted by someone at IU a few years later. They were writing an article on how the school was trying to cook the rape numbers to make the school look better to prospects. I talked with them, but declined to include my name in the article. I didn’t want to drudge all of that up anymore.

All these years later, I wish that I had fought the school, that I had taken a stand, that I had made a difference. I wish that I had pursued my attacker and put him away. I wish that I had sued the school and contributed to making their mistakes public knowledge. I wish I had made the world a little bit better because of an experience I had. I wish I had made the best of a bad situation and let others learn from it. I wish, I wish, I wish.