Stuff I think about...

It is hard to work and have kids. However, I think it would be harder for me to not work and have kids. I love my boys. More than I thought possible. I love being with them. I love the weekends and evenings with them. I love seeing them in the mornings. I love them – I do. But I am not sure how stay home moms stay sane. Where is the ‘break’ from the constant crying, whining, and needing? How do you find a ‘self’ outside of being a mom, or is the feeling of accomplishment from being a full time mom what makes you able to face each day? I struggle with this. I wonder how I would be able to do such a hard thing – take care of the boys 24x7 and still feel like a person outside of being a mom. Does that make sense or make me sound like an asshole – or both? I never wanted to be a stay-home mom. I don’t resent having to work. I am guessing that I just have not experienced the joy of being with the boys all the time, so I don’t what I am deciding against… you tell me.

I am starting to feel the subtle effects of my husband’s mother living with us. She is a wonderful person and I love her very much, however these days the house seems smaller and many little things that never used to matter are driving me crazy. I just really want time with the boys and my husband that is just ours…and we really don’t have that now. She isn’t intrusive in our lives, but she does live here, so there is really no down time from that. I can’t really explain it without feeling like I am ungrateful or mean – which isn’t my intent at all. I just really, really want to feel like a grown up that has her own family instead of a teenager babysitting while her mom is around to make sure nothing goes wrong.

I want a new job. One that doesn’t suck so much.

I actually do know how to write in complete, grammatically correct sentences – only I don’t feel like I think that way, so why write that way? Dilemma.

My ear…I am finally not taking high-powered pain killers but am still on the Zyvox for a few more days. I am seriously looking forward to finishing these evil drugs so that I can see if my energy will return. My vision is strange since I have been on this drug, my skin itches and my eyes are puffy. Dr. Google says it is an allergic reaction. I just want to finish it and get better. Do you realize that I have been sick since August with the damn ear thing? MRSA has kicked my ass this past year, and I looking forward to a healthy 2006. Seriously.

I have started running again after a very long break due to above freaking illness. My goal is to run 21 days straight and see if I can get back in the habit of it. I have heard that after 21 days of repetition an activity becomes a habit. I don’t know if it is true, but I do know that I need to start living a healthier life and this seems to be a good start. In addition we are eating healthier. I hate healthy eating. I love fast food and garbage. I also love all of my old clothes because I already own them – so instead of buying new bigger ones, I am going to get smaller and save some money.

I am addicted to American Idol. It is my crack. I look forward to it and no matter how horrible it is, I have to watch. Oh the silliness I fill my head with. Do you think I secretly wish I didn’t sing like a skinned cat and could audition and be loved by millions when I was the only remaining star at the end of the season? That WOULD be fun, but alas I cannot even hum without the neighbors calling animal control claiming there was something being tortured in our home – so you won’t ever see me on that show. Instead I will sit at home and make fun of the people trying to make it.

Dinners are boring. I am running out of new things to make and now only search for the easiest recipes I can find that don’t make me want to throw up. I – am lazy.

I wish I could take 3 naps a day every day.

My kids have been in their pajamas all day long and I have NO intention of putting anything different on them. No – I don’t live in a trailer and I am not currently wearing a tank top, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer while holding the babies. Plus – the little snowman footie pajamas are cute. So what if it is 60 degrees and sunny out.