Blown Away

Email discussion with my daughter at college – the one where she said she doesn’t want to come home…



DAUGTHER TO ME:
I know you don't understand why I don't want to come home for Thanksgiving, but I want you to know I do support y'all and Brittany. I'm sorry you feel the way you do about my decision, but I think we just have extremely different opinions about the same situation. I'm not sure you realize how difficult this situation is for me, and I wish you could. If you don't support my decision, I just want to let you know that I don't mind paying for my college tuition and a phone. I'm not really sure what this means for Christmas break, but just let me know if you don't want me to come home. Love you, Cassie.


ME TO DAUGHTER:
Your attitude about this amazes me. You say you are supporting Brittany - but you are not supporting her in the way that she needs. You are a member of this family, and as such you have certain obligations. And flipping me off by not coming home when I tell you that you need to be here is unacceptable.

I have so many issues with this situation and your email that I don't know where to begin. I did not say that we won't pay for college. I did not say that we would cut you off financially. You were fishing for an ultimatum, one that I did NOT give you. Apparently you want me to make it easy for you. You want to feel justified in your ridiculous actions - and you think that by not coming home, you can play the martyr blame me for all of the issues and your actions, and not have to deal with controversy. Which, by the way, is controversy ONLY IN YOUR OWN HEAD.

Do you think that your dad will be accepting of your not coming home? Do you really think that he will be OK with you staying there and not coming to see him? Do you think that avoiding all of this makes it go away? You don't think that he will be accepting of your supporting your sister and not taking sides? You think that if you support Brittany, your dad will not love you anymore? And honestly Cassie - if that is at all true, how can you care what he thinks or how he feels. If he is worried about Brittany, asking about her, he would want to know that you are looking out for her. He should be proud of you supporting her, and listen to you when you tell him that you still want to come home, and see him - but you need to see Brittany too.

As far as the ultimatum you apparently think I have made or want me to make (which I want to be clear - I have not made): You say that you can pay for college on your own. How will you do that? You will not have a co-signer on any further loans if you go that route alone. Are you prepared to transfer to a college that you can afford on your own, or have you discussed with your father if he will co-sign, or if he can even get the approval needed to do so? You don't have a job. You don't have any income. You are biting off more than you can chew with the statements below. I don't want you to come home because of a financial threat - I want you to come home because you care about your sister and you are respectful of us as your parents and what we have asked you to do.

I am baffled by your response to this situation, and very very disappointed in your behavior. Your lack of concern about this family - specifically Brittany, and continual focus on only your dad's feelings is troubling. I would like to understand it - but you spend no time trying to explain it, nor do you appear to care how I feel. Your sister has all but gotten down on her knees and begged you to come home, and you have made it quite clear that you don't care what she is going through. All she has asked is that you come home and see her, talk to her, help her through this rough time. And yet - you have essentially said that she isn't important to you. I am not important to you. This family apparently means nothing to you.

What has happened to you?

We are not asking - we are telling you to come home.


DAUGHTER BACK TO ME:
I'm sorry y'all don't understand, but since you can't support my decision, I have decided that I'm not coming for Christmas break either.

You should ask Brittany how she felt after she found out Daddy didn't believe her. That's how I feel.


ME TO DAUGHTER:
This isn't about me believing you. We believe you don't want to come home. We believe you don't want to deal with this. We believe you don't want to make your dad mad. What is it you think we don't believe? Or what is it you think we don't understand?

We are not asking you to come home and even stay with us. We are asking you to come home and see your sister when she needs you. How are you finding throwing out these ultimatums so easy? How is it not acceptable to upset your dad, but perfectly acceptable to not even want to discuss this with us, and further, not want to be here for your sister FOR TWO DAYS. And now, all of Christmas? You have made this all about you instead of Brittany. This isn't about you. Or me. Or your dad. This isn't an ultimatum and it isn't about money. This is about Brittany hurting and wanting you here. This about her crying for help and wanting her sister to help make it better. She would be anywhere you needed her to be for you. If you were hurt or upset, she would put everything else aside just to make you feel a little bit better.





Somebody please tell me how this can be happening? I am baffled. How can she not want to be here for Brittany? How is that even possible? I am not trying to make this anything more than it is - I want her to be here for Brittany. Brittany wants her to be here. I am not threatening anything, I am not throwing out ultimatums. I don't even care if she sees me. I just want her to support her sister...