I read a lot of blogs, about many different things. But mostly I read about other people that work, that have children, that run, that are doing things very similar to me. I seem to “connect” to those that have been through divorce or are dealing with custody issues/separation/teenagers. Or those with toddlers and the tedium and whirlwind of activity that seems to follow them around. And I am starting to really feel a bond with those approaching middle age.
I read things like this or this or this and especially this and well, I don’t handle them well. Or I don’t stay stoic while doing so. I read these and I melt into a puddle of emotion.
I am in awe at how some people are so easily able to capture their emotions, analyze them, understand them, and then WRITE ABOUT THEM. I struggle with the capture part. And then I get lost in the analyze part. I NEVER understand them, and I seldom write about them…well, because then it is documented exactly how clueless I am most of the time about my feelings.
This parenting stuff is hard. It really is difficult to have teenagers and toddlers and work. It is hard to focus on Todd, to be a good wife, to give 100% in so many directions. It is hard to focus on me – do things that make me feel good, while not feeling like I am neglecting something else. It is really hard to be divorced, in what feels like a constant custody battle with the girls’ father. It is ridiculously hard (rather, IMPOSSIBLE) to try and make my younger daughter see how her terrible attitude is carving out her future this very minute. And it is just hard some more to see how much of my life has passed by while wondering “what have I done here that matters?”
I think I have been in this loop before. I feel like I am here a lot. I look at my goals, my accomplishments, my responsibilities, and I get a little dizzy. I feel the weight of so many things all of the time, and it seems like the clock is just spinning faster and faster every moment, making it difficult to do half of the things I want. What I really want is to be more laid back – be less focused on the goals. Be more IN THE MOMENT and less concerned about all the stuff that needs to get done. Which – was one of my resolutions. It is June. I am not exactly setting records with that goal.
I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed today. I am tired, and my To Do list is long enough to second as Rapunzel’s hair (and oh my god, that is a dark, dark story) and wow - I don’t know where to start. What in the HELL is up with my emotional instability today?