Do you think you are a good friend? A good husband or wife? A good lover? A good parent? A good pet-owner? A good employee? Do you think you are a good person?
I have been going through what seems like unending performance reviews at work for all of my employees, and it makes me think about life in general. We don’t really have reviews on how we are doing as individuals. Can you imagine if our spouses and children and friends and pets were to put into words how they felt about our performance/behavior/attitude on a regular basis? If they were to publish it…review it with us…put us on performance plans? I wonder how I would rate?
CATS: What in the fuckity fuck is wrong with you woman – giving all of the attention to the dog and ignoring us endlessly? Neglect much? We are fat and lazy because a dog lives in the god damned house. GET RID OF HIM!
DOG: Why can I not eat whatever the hell I want? Why won't you let me attack the rabbits? And why can I not fart whenever, wherever I want without you yelling at me? And I LIKE barking at the garbage truck. Leave me alone!!!
BOYS: Why do we have to nap, or eat, or pee in a potty, or dress, or sit in a car seat? Those things are not fun. We want to watch Dora, play in the mud, and poke at the fire ants. Back the fuck off already!
HUSBAND: More blow jobs, please. What? I said please.
GIRLS: We want more money. And a car. And no curfew. And someone who doesn't care about grades to step in as a parent.
FRIENDS: Is your phone broken? You could call at least once a year. Or send a card. No stamps there in Texas? You suck!
I think I would be marked “improvement needed to achieve expectations”