“Why do you hate Christmas so much?” asked my husband as we sat wrapping presents the other night. “I know you don’t love the holiday season, but this year you seem to be more opposed to it than I have ever seen.” And it is true, yet I don’t know why. I am more bitter about Christmas…about the gift buying and wrapping, about the meal planning, about everything…everything in general. I wasn’t thrilled about putting up lights, or buying gifts. I am not looking forward to Christmas Eve (which, by the way we actually have to work on…what is that all about?) or Christmas day. I am just going through the motions to get through the holiday and on with the new year.
I think part of my angst is I really want this year to be over with already – for the love of GOD!!! It has been a hard year. I have been through more than I would have ever imagined possible. I started out in February feeling HORRIBLE due to the crazy-ass drugs my old doctor had me on. I was told I needed to have both hips replaced, and was forced to use a damned cane. I was put on more medicines than I have taken my whole life collectively. And then, I ended up in the ICU on life support which resulted in me being in the hospital pretty much the whole summer.
I gave up drinking…my beloved pass-time. I had to stop running for quite a while and am just now looking at it again thinking it may be time… I missed 4 months of work, and am still sorting through all of the changes and bullshit just trying to get caught up.
I am ready to check 2007 off as the YEAR THAT ALMOST ATE MY SOUL and move on…and the sooner the better.
But I guess that really doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas does it? So my anger toward this particular holiday, especially on this particular year, escapes me. I always hated it as a child – having very few Christmas holidays that were fun, special, or not surrounded by embarrassment or sadness. We were quite poor. We were typically recipients of the food drive boxes or gifts for the needy. And those were nice, and appreciated…but they were a constant reminder of what we didn’t have.
I was lucky to have a good family – a mother that loved me. I had a house to live in. I had food and clothes. I just had a really hard time understanding why we had so little when so many other people had so much. And I don’t think I have ever let go of those feelings…of that sadness around Christmas. I should be able to. I am a grown adult with kids, a family, and the ability to have a wonderful holiday. We are not poor. We are not needy. I should be able to enjoy these days, but for whatever reason, I am not. I am simply looking forward to January when all of this "celebrating" is over and we can get back to normal.