Roar!

Do you know what they say about hormones raging after pregnancy? They are absolutely right – although I don’t really know who “they” is. I am out of control moody these days. Today was ONE OF THOSE DAYS. Everything hacked me off in a big way. I was moody, grumpy, sad, irritated, angry – all of these things rolled into one overweight middle-aged, hormonal woman. Sexy huh?

The boys are doing well. Roark has been the star pupil. Cole has had some set-backs, but is doing better after a blood transfusion Monday night. He was pretty sickly looking and having lots of breathing problems prior to the new blood. They had him back on oxygen, IV fluids, and separated them again – which felt like 10 steps back. He is now off of the oxygen and IV, and they should be back together in a day or two. Amazing what blood does for a body.

I am having a hard time leaving them at the hospital. I feel as if my life is on hold waiting for them to come home. I just don’t feel like I had babies at all. Once a day I get to hold one of the babies and it just isn’t enough to feel like a mom. Someone else feeds them, changes them – I even found out that they have already had their first bath. I couldn’t have been more sad. I missed it. Nurses are raising my boys. I am not part of their “firsts” and I know that because I am going back to work soon that I will miss most of their “firsts” that are upcoming. It makes me sad. How am I going to handle this better? How do you accept this? How can I? It is hard…so hard.