Things are not so bad.

Well the whole pregnant thing...a bit hard to get used to. Deathly ill one minute, starving and eating EVERYTHING in sight the next.

We had an uneventful holiday - spent time with family, held back bouts of car-sickness (which, happens even when I am NOT in the car...day or night), exchanged gifts, and had a generally good time. Our tree is now in the trash and all signs of Christmas packed away until next year. It makes the house look clean and a little bit larger. I like that.

I have become boring. Can you tell? I don't do much but hang around the house and try not to throw up, or look for new things to put peanut butter on. That is most of my day. I lie awake most of the night trying to sleep, and finally nod off around 5 am, only to have to climb out of bed shortly after. Will this go on forever???

Stupid Waiting

My inability to sleep is nothing new. My husband makes fun of this little quirk of mine. I just can’t sleep at night. I can nap my ass off during the day, but even if I don’t nap, and I am exhausted, I cannot sleep at night.

Monday night was no exception. I could not sleep Monday night. I tossed. I turned. I stared at the ceiling. I wanted to sleep – wanted the night to fly by – but it just wouldn’t. Stupid no-sleeping. I kept thinking…one of my biggest issues at night time. I was wondering how many babies were inside me. Are they alive? Are their hearts beating? Will this pregnancy actually work? What will we see tomorrow at the ultrasound? How will I handle a negative outcome? What will we do next? I was so busy worried about bad things, I didn’t have time to think about good things.

Tuesday morning arrived
V E R Y

V E R Y

S L O W L Y.

Stupid Tuesday – in NO hurry to get here at all. It was quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week. We headed out early and decided to run an errand and then stop for breakfast, because I couldn’t sit still and just wanted to get going. Even the wonderful morning sickness I was battling didn’t make me wish I were still at home. I wanted to see the baby NOW.

We waited, and waited, and…waited. We waited for what felt like forever-and-a-week in the doctor’s office. Time always goes more slowly when watched…always. Stupid time.

Finally – our turn. I have never been so happy to have THAT kind of appointment in my life. No clothing? No problem – just tell me if everything is okay. The sonogram immediately showed two sacs. Two. Two sacs, with two babies, with two heartbeats. Did I mention two? I could not have been more smiley, and it was not because of the dildocam! Twins. Wonderful, growing, heart-beating, duck-looking (yep – looked like ducks, not babies to me), perfect twins.

We are truly blessed.

Fear

I am afraid of being alone

I am afraid of raising children that learn nothing from me

I am afraid of being a failure as a mother

I am afraid of fear getting in my way

I am afraid of the unknown

I am afraid of the afterlife

I am afraid spiders

And snakes

I am afraid of pain

I am afraid of doubt

I am afraid of forever

I am afraid of giving up, which makes me try harder than anyone I know

Please STOP the Car!

6 weeks 3 days – how far along I am

3 days – how many days I have felt car sick, regardless of whether or not I am actually in a car

4 weeks – the amount of time it has been since my regular jeans have fit me

4 days – the number of days before we know many babies are churning my insides

3 – the number of times I have already thrown up today as well as the number of hours I have been awake

6 weeks – the number of weeks I get to look forward to this all-day-sickness

1cc – the amount of progesterone I am still injecting myself with every night

Unlimited – the number of days I will most likely carry around these torturous little critters in my body

Books

There is an old legal bookcase in our front room. It is old, weathered, tired looking. It is covered in scratches and paint streaks that really don’t belong on it, but somehow through the years made the bookcase their home. I love this old, junky piece of furniture. More than I can say. And, I am not entirely sure why. When I look at it I remember my mother, my childhood, my father – I remember many, many years gone by. I remember books that I read, and books that we kept in the case that I never read. I have some of those books still today – A History of Civilization, Berlin-Dahlem Gallery, A History of Painting. All books that mother had and we just kept around.

What is it about childhood things that brings back such memories? I remember looking at that bookcase years and years ago and thinking that there was nothing special about it, but I just didn’t want to part with it. I felt like it was a link to my mother, to when I was younger – yet it was only a simple wooden object. I parted with it years ago when I was divorced. My girls’ father always loved that legal bookcase and I wanted him to have it. It meant something to him and that was important to me. Now, years later, he has remarried and his new family didn’t want it any longer, so it has made its way back to me once again…and it is nice to have it back. It is like an old friend that I have not seen in a long time.

Books. Do you like books? What are the ones that you liked the best, influenced you the most, left the deepest impressions on your soul? My list looks a bit like this, although it changes daily:

• Go Dog Go, Dr. Seuss
• The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
• Barrel Horse Racer, Elizabeth Van Steenwyk
• Happiness, Will Ferguson
• House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon
• Anything by Bill Bryson
• Golf in the Kingdom, Michael Murphy
• Anything by Robert Fulghum
• Independence Day, Richard Ford
• The Love of a Good Women, Alice Munro

And the list could go on forever. I love to read, I love thinking about the books I have read and relate them to that time in my life. It is a way to remember my past I suppose. Very much like the old bookcase in our front room.

The Entry that Never Was

I had just completed a fantastic, moving, eloquent entry about my husband's college graduation which took place last night, when all of a sudden my wireless connection decided I suck and dropped me - losing my wonderful entry and leaving me with a very white, very blank update screen. So you get this instead...

My husband graduated from school last night. He is now the proud owner of an MBA from SMU's Cox School of Business. He has worked so hard for almost 2 years - homework, studying - giving up most weekends and evening in order to finish in the shortest amount of time possible. All this while continuing to work full time and dedicate time daily to listening to my bitching and moaning (not THAT kind of moaning - sheeesh). How did he do it? I certainly wouldn't have done so well.

Congratulations baby - you made it!

Motivation Lost

Where did my desire to do more, be smarter, move ahead, grow, change, achieve go? Did it fade away when I hit 35? I have no idea…but I can’t find it. These days I am content with 10% less achieved than the day before. I would be happy to sit in the hammock all day long reading. I just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING. This is difficult given the fact that I have a full time crazy-ass job which should take 18 hours a day to barely maintain. I have my regular responsibilities, and then I have an added few tidbits like a full time sales pursuit which I am leading a group on, I have financial responsibility for a very large part of our organization, I am responsible for our Six Sigma area. You name it, my boss has dumped it on me. All in addition to my regular job. RAHHHHHH (sounds of me going crazy). How do these things happen to people? Can I not say “NO”? Exactly where is my backbone? Perhaps hiding out with my motivation…

I went to the OBGYN yesterday for my first baby-related appointment. This doctor…is a riot. He talks like he is reading from a book. There is never any change in his tone of voice. All words are equally spaced and enunciated perfectly. If you ask him a question, he waits a predetermined amount of time, mentally turns to the answer in his brain-book, and proceeds to recite the answer to you. He even cracked a joke yesterday – reading style. No fluctuation in his tone of voice, no facial expressions, no hand movements. Freaks. Me. Out. I kept biting my bottom lip so that I would laugh out loud…it was difficult not to. I challenge you to try to make it through a reading session with this man and NOT laugh. Bet you can’t do it.

So Dr. Reads-A-lot said that everything appears fine – based on his very quick poking a prodding. They took some blood, handed me a stack of information and told me to return in a month when they will do pretty much the same thing. That was anti-climactic. I am so used to the dildo-cam and special attention at the RE’s office. It is hard to get used to reassurance that everything is ok based on no real interaction – and only seeing him once a month? What is up with that? I was seeing my RE every other day for a while. This might give me more time to work – but with the losing-the-motivation thing, I just don’t see that happening.

Shades of Gray

I had a glimpse into what it may feel like to be faced with miscarriage today - and I have to tell you that it shook me to the core. I cannot imagine having come through all of this, to only have this pregnancy fail now. It is such a horrible feeling and I never ever want to feel it again. Ever.

I am currently waiting for more doubling times from my earlier HCG and progesterone blood test - hoping everything comes back ok. I was not supposed to go back for anymore blood work, but ran into some issues - so here we go. They are hoping to see 2401 for a single pregnancy, and anywhere from there up to 6400 for multiples. The problems I have had could signal twins, triplets, miscarriage, or a normal everyday pregnancy. Go figure...they have THAT down to a science, don't they?

So now I wait. I wait until tomorrow sometime after noon for numbers, and then I pretend I can interpret what they mean. And then I wait until they can do a sonogram to prove that everything is okay. The doctor said that everything is too tiny to see on sonogram now, we have at least 2 weeks until it is of any use. Ugh. Hate. The. Waiting.

Happy Moments

Mommy, are you excited about being pregnant?

- 'Cause I am excited about it.


Need I say more?

The Numbers Game

I have had my second round of blood tests for the pregnancy. They call this Beta 2. Here is where I stand now:

8dp5dt (13dpo) - 127 HCG, 40 Progesterone
12dp5dt (17dpo) - 801 HCG, Progesterone not tested
Doubling time = 36.13 hours

My RE's office wanted to see an HCG of at least 504, so I am way on course. I am to return on 12/21 for a sonogram. They feel that there is a good chance that I am carrying twins still based on the numbers and doubling time..

I have an appointment with my regular OBGYN next Wednesday...maybe he will do a sonogram and I can find out earlier! I am not one for liking to wait.

Oh - and the good news...I don't have to do the horrible Progesterone shots anymore. But instead now get to use suppositories twice a day...ewww. I think that I may have liked the shots better.

Next up: who knows, I think about NOTHING but this pregnancy.