Deal with it!

Have you ever done something wrong? I mean – so wrong, so horrible, that it haunts you – it is with you everywhere you go and just won’t go away?

Have you then experienced that overwhelming sick feeling in the very pit of your stomach, when your body feels too light to even stay grounded, yet your feet feel as though they weigh 500 pounds? I am talking about that feeling of remorse that sets in when you finally realize that you have truly hurt someone, when you see with your own heart and eyes that you have wounded another person in ways you didn’t know you had the power to do? Cheated on a lover – lied to a friend – disappointed your parents – failed your child – completely been off-target for an extremely, extremely important deadline… they can all pretty much lead to that awful, disappointed, can’t-breath-because-you-are-too-overcome-with-guilt feeling. What a terrible way to feel – and it is so bad because it is your own damn fault. What can be worse than feeling like garbage except feeling that way and having it be your own fault?

And then, let’s thrown on the pile the way you have now made someone else feel. Oh – don’t give me that “you can’t make people feel anything – they feel what they want to” BS – cause I won’t buy it. I have been MADE to feel like crap before – of no agreement on my part – so I KNOW it can be done.

I have done some pretty mean things in my life. I have been underhanded, I have lied, I have cheated…I have done pretty much all of your average bad things. I have not killed anyone – so that is a good thing – but I have definitely had my share of regrets, remorse, and failures and I know how hard it is to pick things up and move on – face those failures and move past them. I have made people feel like shit, I have dissapointed people that I love. I have made promises I didn't keep, I have felt there was no way out of a horrible situation that I was responsible for being in. Yep - that is right - I am scum. I have done some really crummy things to other people and I am sure that they didn't deserve it. I am guilty. But I am HERE.

I found out that someone killed himself yesterday. He went through a lay-off about six months ago and never found another job. He was too overcome with pain and the feeling of failure to keep trying, to move on. He had a family – a wife, kids, relatives, friends. He just couldn’t move past this one thing – he couldn’t get that feeling out of his stomach – he couldn’t stop feeling too light – his feet kept feeling heavy – he couldn’t pay the bills, couldn’t provide for his family, couldn’t take it anymore and he killed himself. Man, that sucks.

I just can’t imagine, no matter how hard I try, how bad a person feels when they decide that death is the only way to feel better. Like I said – I have felt horrible in my life – and it has been from things that I HAVE DONE – mistakes I HAVE MADE. And – death didn’t seem like even a remote solution. How can someone take that road? Especially when the circumstances that got them there are not because of anything they did? Help me understand this…..

When I was in Junior High – a frickin’ long time ago – I ‘went’ with this guy – Sean Beatty. I say ‘went’ but as we all know, we didn’t ‘go’ anywhere. We simply pledged our undying lust for each other (in a 7th grade sort of way) and avoided each other all day long at school. We would talk on the phone every night, but at school we were too embarrassed to let our friends know we liked each other and so we totally ignored each other all day long. So funny to think about now.

Anyway – we grew up a bit, realized we didn’t have too much in common, and by 9th grade each of us had moved on. We had held hands, spent hours on the phone, been to a few movies, spent some weekends and hot summer days together - but nothing that would last forever.

Two years later – 10th grade… Sean had a new girlfriend – Kim. They seemed happy. They were cute, smart, busy with sports and other activities. They both had families – both of their parents were still married…they had pretty good lives – nice house, enough money to survive… nothing very noteworthy really. But, one night Sean went home, went upstairs to his room, tied a rope around one of the beams on his ceiling, and he hung himself.
Nobody – absolutely nobody but him – knows why. Not his girlfriend, not his parents, not his sister, not his friends. Nobody. He somehow thought that the world was too difficult to manage - responsibility too great, life too complicated - and so he simply killed himself.

Wow.

What is that all about? I hear about it on occasion – how someone else decided that things were just too tough – life was just too hard...and they, for some-reason-only-they-and-the-devil-know, decide to get even with the world and take their life. What a horrible, terrible thing to do.

Even if there were a reason someone would think to do it – how unfair!

“Oh – my friend, wife, husband, child, job, (or whoever) – wronged me – did something terrible – I just can’t stand to live.”

Bullshit!

Live with that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Make yourself feel heavier so you are not floating away on the inside anymore – make your feet feel lighter so you are not sinking anymore. Deal with it just like the rest of us do and face up to your failures, or the failures of those around you and stop taking the easy way out. Dear god - this world isn't just about you. It is about the people you meet, the lives you touch, the things you do and all of the people in it.

You have no right to share your life with someone in even the smallest way - and then kill yourself. How arrogant to think this only just about you and you can leave when you want to.