11.04.2009

No, as a matter of fact I did NOT PLAY FOOTBALL.

I never seem to get this thing right - the whole eating right and exercising thing. While I can manage the eating right OR the exercise part, I seldom successfully combine both for a cohesive sustainable solution. You know what I mean? I have months where I am obsessed with the exercise - I do the 30 day shred, I run, I mix in the gym. And then I think "wow - I really should eat right too" and head off in the eating right direction, only to leave working out on the side of the road all battered and abused.


Today I went to the witch doctor (AKA Orthopedic Surgeon) and didn't hear anything new really about the deteriorating condition of my left knee - except that next up is injections of synovial fluid replacement stuff followed by re constructive knee surgery (we can make you better, stronger, faster...).

One thing that was new? I was told to step up the exercise. He wants me to build up my left quad, as it has deteriorated quite a bit since the surgery in July. This, only months after being told to pretty much scrap working out altogether. MAKE UP YOUR MIND MAN!

I looked up lots of quad exercises and they all require a lot of strain on the knee - which is difficult at best. I am not supposed to put any direct pressure on the knee, not supposed to run or bike, and not supposed to do aerobics. I see nothing left - except swimming and maybe yoga.

I sent some time looking online and ruled out a few exercises right off the bat. Squats are O-U-T out. Too hard on the knee. Same for lunges. I half-ass my way through them when I do the shred and they don't help if you don't do them right. Doing them right = pain. I think I will start spending more time swimming and some targeted weights at the gym. If I can mix that with eating less crap and more protein, it should help build muscle. Wish me luck.

11.03.2009

From Far Away Places

I have spent the past 11 years working for a widely dispersed company – one where a good part of the work force worked from home or out of offices located across the country. I am used to not seeing the people I work with. In fact, I never met some of the people that I worked with regularly. It was simply how work was done. However in spite of that, I worked in the home office, and had an opportunity to stay plugged in at all times.

My new company is very different in many ways from my old one – and dispersment of the workforce (or rather lack of it) is one of the main differences that I see. The company I work for is in Austin, Texas. I live in Plano, about 3 ½ hours north of there. All of the other employees live in Austin. They all show up at the office every day. They are on kickball, dodgeball, soccer and softball teams together. They are friends. They work closely and are together all of the time. While this didn’t seem like a huge issue when deciding to take the job, it is now weighing fairly heavily on me.

The agreement when hired was that I would remain in Plano, spending time with one of our customers here, traveling to Austin one or two days a week. This seemed like an easy thing to manage – and it still may be. However the real issue is that I feel disjointed, separated, not plugged in – when I am not there. I feel like I am missing some special bond or experience – like an outsider – and like I am not giving as much as the people there.

I work smart. I work hard. I don't slack at home - yet I don't feel as though I am as valuable here. I know that they would like me in Austin more, however I cannot be away that much from my family and not feel like I am missing my kids growing up, missing time with my husband. I am not in a position to move to Austin right now, especially with Brittany still in high school. So what options do I have to balance this out and feel like we are all getting the best out of me?

How about you? Do you work in a company where you are not with the main work force, and if so, how do you manage it? How do you stay plugged in and attentive while not being in the middle of it all? And how do you feel as valuable as you would if you were there all the time?

11.02.2009

Letters to my Boys

Roark:

You love getting the mail. You will sit and look at the names on the letters, trying to determine which piece goes to which person. I have seen you sorting the mail into piles in the entryway – pretending to be reading the address on the front.

You have started playing with “guys” – something you have not really spent much time on in the past. Power Ranger guys were always your brother’s favorite thing, however lately I have seen you carrying them around. Today you had a plastic cowboy with you and you had it in your pocket all day at preschool. You also still love playing with Legos, but your favorite thing to do is wrapping presents. I have no idea why, but you are actually quite good at it.

Your favorite food seems to be sugar pizza or pancakes. You have had pancakes for breakfast every single day since you were around 18 months old – that is a lot of pancakes. And you are not happy unless they are swimming in syrup. You actually say that too – “I want them swimming in syrup” – it is cute, yet annoying.

You have a hard time concentrating on things for very long, preferring to twirl around and sing to yourself. Perhaps you have a future in interpretive dance?

You are playing your second year of soccer this year. You KNOW how to play, and do well in practice, but don’t seem to enjoy playing the games. You told me last week that you like it, but you cannot run as fast as the other kids so you don’t want to really play. I disagree – you run really fast when I am chasing you!

You are also playing baseball for the first time. While you seem to love batting, you don’t seem that excited about being in the outfield.

This is your second year of swimming lessons and you love them. You are able to swim short distances on your own and always seem excited about going to class.

This is also your first year of preschool. You were going three days a week and we just enrolled you in the 5 day a week program. Both you and Cole are learning so much there and always seem excited to go. In less than a year you will be in kindergarten – and I think you will like that too.

You like bounce houses, playing at the park, swinging on the monkey bars, climbing ANYTHING (you climbed the fence last night and couldn’t get down – so you stood out there in the backyard yelling until I came out to help you). You love “yummy lunches” (lunchables) – especially the ones with pudding in them, and teddy grahams.

You love watching Scooby Doo, but we stopped letting you watch it at night, because you kept getting scared. Now you watch Handy Manny and Curious George at night, saving Scooby for daylight hours.

We can always tell when you are hungry, because you turn into a grumpy, obnoxious little boy – but a few bites of food and you are once again our wonderful Roark-a-sour.

Cole:

You love playing tag and chase at the park. You like being outside playing any sort of game – baseball, soccer, football – as long as we are playing with you.

Another thing you love is playing the Wii. You are quite skilled at it too – beating me senseless in boxing, and showing your skill in baseball and even Tiger Woods Golf. You would play it for hours and hours if we would let you.

You have scored quite a few goals in soccer this year, even though you have backed off a bit lately. Perhaps it is time to move on to football? You love swimming lessons – and have improved a lot over the past few months, now able to swim short distances on your own!

This is your first year of baseball, and you have really taken to it. You can whack the ball far, but the real joy is watching you in the outfield. You go after EVERY SINGLE BALL – no matter where it goes. I have never seen a kid so into the game.

When you are tired, we all have to tread lightly, because you can become quite the grumpy kid. There are many afternoons where you will fall asleep and sleep right through dinner…waking up to eat and then will go to bed fairly well only a few hours later. Must be all that Wiii playing…

You don’t seem very excited about any particular food, except maybe sausage rolls – which you have had for breakfast most mornings for the past two years. We typically buy a few dozen at the donut place up the street and keep them in the freezer so that you can have them every morning.

You love preschool – and your teacher said that you are a fantastic student. This is good because starting today you are going to move from three days a week to five days a week. When I told you this, you clapped and cheered (while your brother mumbled something about being too tired).

You have been telling me that you want a race track every time they advertise them on TV. This fits well with your love for cars and trucks, and all pretend play.

You don’t really like coloring, or doing many crafts, although you will give play dough a try every now and then, losing interest inside a few minutes.

You were the black spiderman this year for Halloween and seemed to enjoy tricker treating – although you don’t really like candy much. In fact, you don’t seem that excited about much sweet, with the exception of strawberry ice cream.

You love watching Handy Many and the occasional Curious George, but don’t like any show where inanimate objects move on their own. Talking or moving furniture, clocks, or pictures scare the daylights out of you, even though you know it isn’t real.

You are our wonderful Coley-Kong.

10.30.2009

Halloween

Roark and Cole

10.29.2009

Seriously?

My hotel lamp. They actually have a converter so they can avoid use of
a normal bulb. Hate.

10.26.2009

Rental car description

NCRAP

10.24.2009

Soccer Saturday - Cole

Soccer Saturday - Roark

10.19.2009

Journal Entries - Overview

I have captured all of the entries that were in my mother's notebook. I wish that there was more...I am left feeling like I only began to see a glimpse of the real Nancy. She was such a lonely person, searching for a true friend. She didn't focus on money or things, but kept her sights on love and understanding. She seemed to be such a good person way deep to the core in ways I seldom see in people. She clung to religion to fill a void that the real world couldn't touch and appeared to find some relief here, although she still longed for something more real? Tangible? Sustainable?

I think about the person she was, about the pain she felt and I wish that I could go back in time and let her know that I understand. I feel guilty for not seeing the person that she was when she was alive. I always feel guilty... It is not a child's responsibility to fill that void in their parents' lives, yet I feel like I could have helped her, shown compassion and understanding.

I wonder what happened to end her first marriage. What ended things with Charles? What did they fight about? What were the irreconcilable differences that tore them apart? And why didn't my father stay in our lives?

I wonder what happened to her second marriage. I know that Joe was an alcoholic, although I do not know where I learned this information. Is this what ended their relationship, or was there more to it? Was he abusive to her? To his children? To Shawn? To me? Why did they get an annulment and not a divorce?


So many unanswered questions...

Silence

An old couple sitting next to me in the doctor's office, reading the paper, talking about nothing:

---She: "Richard Gere is 60 Today"


He: Pretends to care, yet it is obvious to me that he does not. How could he? It is pointless...uninteresting.


She: My wedding ring is old. I need to have them look at it. I don't want anything to happen to it. What was his name? Yader? Yoder?


He: It's over there on Preston.


She: I know where it is


Silence...---
I do not want to be that couple. I do not want to grow old talking about nothing, meaning nothing but stability or friendship to the other person. I want so much more...