Boys... AHHHHHHH

5 year olds argue a lot. With each other. With their parents - namely me. Yesterday Cole actually told us that he thinks we don't know anything and his friend Caden in Kindergarten knows EVERYTHING. I didn't remember these things starting so young. I remember thinking my mother knew nothing...but I really thought that started later. With the girls, they hit that mark around 11 and never really grew out of it.

I have also found that school has an additional, yet related "benefit" - the boys will believe ANYTHING their friends tell them. "Montana said his dad stabbed his mom", "Caden said he pulled out someone's eyeballs". They all have a morbid, ridiculous theme, and I kind of hate public school now. Also other kids. Sometimes even mine.

Heavy Drinking

Question posed during a routine health questionnaire: How many drinks per week on the average do you consume?

Outcome: You may have an problem with alcohol. More than 1 drink a day on average could indicate alcoholism.

Thoughts: What happened to one glass of wine a night is a good thing? ONE MORE drink than that and you are an alcoholic?

Todd found an article on CNN.com that supported heavy drinkers - apparently stating that they are healthier than light drinkers. I don't know the context, but the overall I believe his point was that we can find a study to support any lifestyle people want.

Lucky to Have

Depression and anxiety is a funny thing. Not as in "haha" - more like "wow, so everyone doesn't feel like this?"

I have had a lot of life changes lately. SLE / Lupus diagnosis. Mother in law with Alzheimer's LIVING WITH US. Me taking care of mother in law. A new job. A lot of travel. All of this led to some decisions that I regret and behavior I was not very proud of. I don't blame depression, yet it made it hard to come out of all of this unscathed.

I am a social misfit. I don't mind putting on a "work" personality when needed, however it is more of a protective coating, to keep me from harm. I don't like to get close to people, and as a result, I do not have many close friends. I have some - and I love all of you dearly. However I am so very careful to share intimate details of my life for fear of being judged. On the other hand, I will listen to your life stories and hold them near to my heart. I am a great listener...it is sharing that I find difficult.

The previous conversation took place with my therapist. Todd and I began seeing a marriage counselor and I am also seeing him individually. Apparently I have a lot things to talk about... he wants to see me weekly. This is good and bad. Good because I think it is healing. Bad because it takes me to a very uncomfortable place and turns my anxiety up to 12.

About 2 weeks ago I hit what I imagine is rock bottom. I took a handful of pills and hoped to never wake up. I totally failed, because it only resulted in a good night's sleep...however I knew that I need help. I had felt like that before, yet had managed to pull out of it - had somehow been able to find my way out of the abyss. Not this time.

You see - I am a very successful, self-sufficient person. I can take care of my children. I took care of my mother when she was sick. I took care of myself when I was a kid and my mom worked all the time. I don't need help. EVER. This dark depression...this hole in my soul - it was hard to deal with and even harder to admit I couldn't handle on my own. It made me feel weak.

I started on Lexapro and Xanax - in fairly high doses. I have moved to Zoloft and Xanax and think I am starting to climb out of the fog, the confusion, the lack of will to just exist. And while I hate the medication, I feel more protected. I feel more equipped to deal with the curves life is throwing at me.

My husband and my friends have been wonderful - and I couldn't thank any of you enough. Just know that I am ok. I am getting better. I will learn to be more open. And I will learn to love this life I am so lucky to have.

What it feels like

"So tell me what depression feels like, how do you know you are not just sad?"

"I feel lonely, and sad...but there is more. I feel like I am all alone, in this deep dark hole, and there is no way out. There is no way out and I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. And when I feel like that...I don't want to be alive."