HATE

I am so upset. I am not sure where to begin..so I guess I will just start rambling.

I have worked my ass off in this job. I bend over backwards to accommodate our customer. I work nights, weekends, all the freaking time. I do whatever is asked of me and more. ALL THE TIME. And yet…and yet…. This morning during a meeting I asked a question of the customer – asked them to provide us with a document so that we could better understand their expectations from us over the weekend. Do you know what happened? I get this from my boss in our instant messenger:

Message history

Pain.in.the.ass.boss said at 9:40AM:

be nice – he (customer on the phone) is a little pissed at you for some reason right now. You are doing fine, just wanted you to be aware

Pain.in.the.ass.boss said at 9:40AM:

we can discuss later

Discuss later my ass.

I am full-force finding another job. Goal is to be out of here by December 1. I will give no notice. And I don’t care what job I end up with – as long as it is not here. Over-reacting? Maybe. But I don’t care.

Over-Worker

Yesterday was day 1 of “its just a job” and I must say, it was nice. I worked during the day. I took a lunch and left the office. I went home at 5:30 and didn’t think about the place even for a minute… It was like I was on vacation. I fell asleep right away last night and woke up this morning rested and happy. It has been a while since I have not had issues sleeping or waking up. My mind tends to race thinking about work and all of the things stacking up. Not any more!!! I am no longer the over-worker.

Maybe it doesn’t matter

I have wavered on the importance of a job for much of my life. Much of the time I have felt that my career is very much an extension of who I am – maybe to the point of ridiculousness. I have always put so much stock in what I do, that I don’t think it ever occurred to me that there was the possibility that a job…could just be a job.

Maybe I don’t have to love it. What if I just have a job for the financial benefits that it provides and I don’t derive any needed self-satisfaction from it? Maybe I could cut myself some slack and simply work to pay the bills and find self-fulfillment in other parts of my life. Is this something I can just *change* like that… ah, the million dollar question.

Where did all of this come from? Well, you see, my job has been KILLING me lately. I would not be surprised if this turned out to be literally true, however for now let us all assume that this is an exaggeration. I am not on my death bed, but I am going crazy. And, I blame my job.

I have always put a lot of stock in my career. I seem to gain quite a bit of self-worth from my work successes. I work very hard. I am good at what I do. I continually improve my skills and delivery. I like being good at this job, and more important – I like being better than anyone ever thought I could be at it, including myself. I like shocking the hell out of my leaders by doing a kick-ass job. It feels good. I feel like I matter when I am good at my career. But, unfortunately I also feel quite bad when I don’t do well, or even when things are out of my control at work. If I don’t perform beyond perfection, I take it very, very personally. So much that it affects every aspect of my life. I think that is why I need a new approach.

For the past few weeks I have been absolutely miserable at work. I HATE MY JOB. So Friday I decided that I simply need a new job…onethat can restore my faith in myself and heal all of my insecurities. I was certain that finding a rewarding job would fix everything. I told my husband that I needed to find something that would make me happy to go to work. I needed something that mattered in this world. And do you know what he did? Nothing…except support me and tell me that whatever I wanted to do was possible. Go back to school? OK. Become a teacher? OK. Whatever I wanted was OK… and well – that left me a little confused. Because….well, I have no idea what I want to be. Do you?

I spent the weekend trying to figure out what job would make me happy to wake up every day. What could I do to feel like I am making a difference here? What is the right career choice for me? I thought about being a teacher…teaching high school Latin or Psychology or Biology. These were the classes that I loved so much in high school. I thought about working for the state as part of Child Protection Services or the court system in the child support area. I even thought about going back to school to be a child psychologist. I did a lot of thinking. And even a lot of drinking. But – I am not sure I figured out anything revolutionary about any of this.

I did however realize today that perhaps it doesn’t matter what I do for a career. Maybe…just maybe – my job can just be ‘my job’ and I can find satisfaction in other things I do. Lets face it – I make a lot of money doing the work I do today. I know how to do my job. And, I know how to keep doing well at it. That is enough isn’t it? And – here is the gem in the dirt pile: If I really want to teach, I can do that on the side, perhaps at the community college. I could go back to school for psychology in the evenings. I could even start working in a mentoring program here and get some of that satisfaction. But – I don’t have to start all over all at once just to be happy with work. At least that is what I am telling myself today in hopes of getting past this lingering feeling of working all day on stuff that simply means…nothing.

The Journey

I have a date tonight. With my husband. This makes me very, very happy.

We went to talk to a lawyer yesterday about options for the situation with the girls. The news is bitter-sweet. The best the girls can hope for is 60% of their time with us / 40% with their dad. This is the flip/flop of what is in place today. Not exactly what the girls want but better than what they have now.

The biggest issue with all of this is that the girls will need to hire their own lawyer (we would have to pay for it of course) and they would file a claim to have custody amended. They would sign an affidavit that says they want custody changed to be with me more. Then, we would (with our own lawyers) re-open the custody case and go to court to have it changed. This way it is our two lawyers and the girls wishes against their dad. This gives us a great chance of getting things changed, without me having to ex-husband bash in court in front of my kids. I will NOT tear him down in an effort to spend more time with them…it is not the right way to handle things. Unfortunately all of this is not going to be inexpensive. No – not by a long shot. I was told that it could run 10, 20, 30 thousand dollars for this or more. I have to admit that it made me dizzy.

So now, we talk to the girls and let them decide what they want to do. Not sure they will go through with it and a tiny, tiny part of me won’t be too sad if they don’t. That is a HUGE battle for not much more time with them. Is it worth it? The emotional strain...the money...the risk of making an already horrible relationship with my ex-husband worse? Oh yes. Any amount of time I spend with my daughters is worth it - whatever the cost. I am just not looking forward to the journey.

Popper Parade

10:05pm on a Wednesday night. Just got on a conference call. It is scheduled to run until 6am. Lets not discuss how insane this is getting.

When I came home tonight from work, the boys were in the back yard, playing in the dirt, swinging the hammock, climbing on their swing set, licking rocks (yes, you read that right – they lick rocks…NO – I don’t know why… so stop looking at me like that), and being generally cute.

They do this really, really cute thing in the mornings now. They have these toys that you push around and they have little balls in them that pop. They look like a little vacuum cleaner. Anyway – they boys will walk single file around the room in a circle pushing these things, all the while giggling. We like to call it the “popper parade”. It sure beats the days of screaming and laying around like a lump!

Update on the girls:

Have I mentioned that they have a mean, mean dad? No? Please – let me elaborate. My oldest daughter was told she couldn’t drive her car over here – so I have to pick them up and take them to school in the mornings they are here now. He actually wanted me to take the younger one to school and drop the older one off at his house so that she could then drive herself to school and they wouldn’t have to pick her up. He just won’t let her drive over here – because it is convenient for me – and he is an ass. Anyway, I decided that I would not take her to his house, because the divorce document says that I am to delivery her to school – and I am sticking to it 100% (or doing my best, anyway). Here is the kicker – last night my daughter called me and said that her dad was making her take the bus home on the days I take her to school, because I won’t take her over there. Keep in mind – SHE HAS A FREAKING CAR. And – this would mean she has to change her school schedule so that she gets out in time to take the bus… And do you know why he was doing this? He claimed it is because her step-mom (who doesn’t work) was too busy to pick her up. SAY WHAT? Amazing.

So – I have caved and agreed to take her to her dad’s. I didn’t at first. My initial reaction led me to tell her that I was sorry, but she would have to take the bus, because I will not be deviating from the agreement. I told her that if she didn’t like the arrangement, she knew the process to change it – being a change in custody. However after re-thinking the situation, I decided that I was being as immature as her dad, and well – there you go.

I did go ahead and make an appointment with an attorney to talk about a change in custody – based on the request by my younger daughter though. After hearing the rates for their services I was certain that I have chosen the wrong profession. That place charges $450.00 an hour. Holy hell – I am going to go broke talking to a lawyer. My husband and I go in tomorrow morning to talk about the process and get our questions answered. Then, we will make ANOTHER appointment for the girls to talk to them. I am not sure what is involved, but the person we talked to on the phone (one of the senior partners) made it sound pretty simple. I am sure it is anything but simple, because – well, it just would be too easy.

I would love to tell you about all of the exciting things we have done lately, or have planned for the upcoming weeks. But there really are none. I am in the trenches at work through October, so not much fun will be had here. God I love this job.

And So Much More of the Tired

It is 4:30 in the morning on a Wednesday. I have not been to bed yet. This is the third time this week I have worked all night. It is starting to kinda suck. A lot. I am tired. And sick. And tired some more. Stupid work.

It might not be so bad if I could JUST work nights…. But I actually have to play executive during the day – so I cannot sleep my day away. I have to get up, shower, dress, and go to meetings all day explaining why things are so broken that my teams are working all night on the same damn broken thing all week long. It is really a lot of fun. If you like hell.

Still Tired

Around 10pm I wrote that I had been working all day and was asking for someone to kill me please. It is now 2:15 in the morning on Monday and I am STILL ON A CONFERENCE CALL. And – here is the good part – it won’t be over anytime soon. That is right. You heard me. I am working all night long and there are no term papers due, no test tomorrow, and no late night drinking involved. This is messed up.

Tired

Today is Sunday. I spent most of the day on conference calls – starting at 6:50 am. I managed to break to go get lunch, and to make dinner. That is it. I somehow managed to work straight through Sunday dealing with issues… somebody kill me. Please.

A story that ran too long

My girls… what to say about the current situation with the girls? I don’t really even know where to begin, so stick with me while I try to muddle through the status.

If you know me, you know that I am re-married and have two teenage girls from my previous marriage. At the time I divorced I was traveling quite a bit, and was filled with quite a bit of guilt for giving up on my marriage. I wanted the girls to be happy – to have as normal of a life as possible. And I wanted out of that house. It was cancerous, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in a dead, dead, DEAD marriage and there was no love left. None to give, none to receive. We had not been married for all practical purposes for a long time.

While married – I met my current husband. Yes – I know I should have been divorced FIRST. Yes, I should have done things differently. But the time to make those decisions and act on them has long come and gone…so lets not go there, m’kay? Lets flash forward to the divorce part… My ex husband and I agreed on everything. We shared a lawyer. We were joint-custodians of the girls, having equal rights in raising them, however I agreed to let him be the primary residence, with the agreement that we would always be flexible and let the girls have a choice as to when they wanted to see me or him. I agreed to pay him a certain amount of money to make sure their lifestyle didn’t change – that they could take vacation, keep the house, all of the things that made their lives stay the same. And we accepted the standard custody agreement by the State of Texas – with an understanding that we would only really need to refer to it if we were not getting along.

For a few years, things were fine. He was a great father, he was flexible for the most part. And the girls were happy. Then he met his current wife and everything changed. He became a little mean and completely un-flexible in the girls schedule. He wouldn’t let them see me even if he wasn’t going to be home – and they would just be there with his wife and their step-brothers… which didn’t make much sense to me. I was told that I couldn’t stop by and see them, or drop anything off for them. And – he took away the cell phones I had purchased for them when he was angry with them – as a form of punishment. These were phones I gave them so they could call me.

Nothing improved much from there. I wanted to go to a lawyer and fight for full custody but the girls didn’t want me to do it. They didn’t want to make their dad angry. So – I did nothing. I have done nothing for over 2 years. I have just watch the girls get more and more upset and watched their dad turn into more of an idiot than I ever thought possible.

Examples of his idiocy:

1. One of my daughters now drives. She has a car that her dad has ‘given’ her to drive to school. She left school early because she started her period and didn’t have anything there to change into. She tried to reach me, her stepdad, her stepmom, and her dad and none of us were available, so she went home to change and waited for someone to call her back. When her stepmom found out, she accused my daughter of skipping for ‘no good reason’ and yelled and screamed at her. Her dad also yelled and then took the car away. After he made these decisions – without consulting me – he told me that I would have to pick her up from school and take her to school. (Prior to this, my daughter drove herself to school, which made a big difference as I have the boys to take care of in the morning, plus my other daughter to take to school – not to mention a full time job) I was not happy with his decision because I didn’t think she had done anything wrong, and he had not asked me my opinion first – but decided it was ok to inconvenience me anyway. I refused to take her to school and instead took her to her dad’s house – letting him take her to school. It was his dumb punishment – he could deal with the fallout. Do you know what he did? He decided that she is not allowed to EVER drive to my house. Not even to babysit for our neighbors. So now, I have to go get her every day after she drives home if she is coming over here.
2. We were supposed to have the girls for all of June. 4 days early my ex husband decided to take them on vacation with him – booking tickets and telling them about it, while neglecting to ask my permission to take them early. I could not tell the girls “no” because they would have been hurt by not being able to go – so I gave in and let them go – with the understanding that we would get 4 days with them prior to them going back to school. Not only did we NOT get those days back, but he then picked them up on a day they were supposed to be with me – for an eye doctor appointment. He was supposed to bring them back after, but decided not to – as it just wouldn’t be a good idea because they had stuff to do to get ready for school. Turns out they had nothing to do – he was just being an ass.
3. He and his wife told the girls to write down their feelings about all of this stuff going on – that it would help them to get it out. They did write down how they felt. And then do you know what happened? He and his wife snuck around and found what they wrote and then my girls got in trouble for it. Amazing. They wrote that they were unhappy at his house and didn’t want to live with him anymore – and he got mad at them for it.
4. The other night when I told my ex husband that I would no longer going to any deviation from the custody agreement – because I only get screwed out of time with the girls – he slammed the phone down and apparently screamed at the girls that they “have a lying, cheating whore of a mother” and if it was up to him, he “wouldn’t let them ever see me again”. He said this to them!!!! What is wrong with him?

So – now my daughters have asked me to hire a lawyer so that they can go to the judge and ask to live with me. I just hope they go through with it… my heart cannot take much more of this.

A sad day

Do you remember where you were 5 years ago when the towers were hit? I was at the post office sending an IPAQ that I had won from some contests to the new lucky owner (having just auctioned it off on eBay). I walked into the mail center and looked up at the TV they had hanging on the wall – and saw one of the towers smoking. It was so surreal. I have never witnessed anything so horrific in my lifetime…and hopefully never will again.

We have some friends that lived not far from ground zero during the time of the attacks. They could look out their balcony and see the site – and they could smell the acrid air for weeks. I remember them telling us how dark, gray, and horrible everything looked for such a long time. It was as if they were in the remains of a nuclear holocaust. At least that is how I would imagine it would be. Ashen film covering everything, burning smell in the air, thick fog-like air penetrating every nook and cranny.

We have another friend who had a brother that worked in either one of the towers or a building right beside there – I cannot remember which one. He was telling us that that he was standing in the courtyard area before the towers fell and saw people jumping out of windows, crashing into the awning type structure above the sidewalk. I cannot even imagine what that would have been like – my mind cannot grasp the darkness of it.

I don’t know why I think so much about that day still. I do know that the people that died deserve to be remembered, so I am glad that it affected me and that I do remember them…but I just don’t understand why it made such a HUGE impression on my life. It makes me incredibly sad to think about it. So very sad to remember that day.

Happy

I think back a few years ago to a time when things were hard at home, and I wonder what happened to make me so unhappy then. The difference between then and now is the difference between a third world country and Dallas, TX.

Then: Depressed, sad, lonely, over-worked, too much travel, focused only on work, running, and dieting, not much time with the girls, no real aspirations for my future, no real friends outside of work acquaintances.

Now: 2 more kids, a wonderful healthy relationship with my husband, a job I mostly enjoy, a fantastic time with the girls whenever I can see them. I still don’t have many friends outside of my family or people I chat with at work…but I have come to realize that it is my choice. I don’t have a lot of free time…very little in fact. With two toddlers and two teenage girls, work, husband, house, etc. there is just no extra time to spend with other people. It is a trade-off right now – I would have to give up something in order to foster friendships and honestly? I don’t want to trade anything. I really like my life. Sure – it is crazy and busy and hard. But – I like it. I like the crazy, busy, hard life that we have and I am for once enjoying every minute of it.

The Big 400

This is my 400th journal entry, which kind of blows my mine. I don't feel like I have written that much, and I should write more than I do - but, wow. This is a testament to how one can write 400 entries about pretty much nothing at all.

Gimme my blankie!

As I am getting breakfast ready, I hear the monkeys in jungle getting restless. They are up in their beds shouting across the room to each other. I go upstairs and find them each crouching down in their beds, hiding behind their crib bumpers, peeking up and yelling at each other, then ducking back down again – all the while smiling. I am amazed at their ability to have a personality – a sense of humor all their own. It just developed without any help from me. How does this happen?

So as I am getting them out of bed, Cole decides that he MUST keep his doggy blanket with him (no, not the dog’s blanket – but a blanket that has doggies on it). He won’t put it down, so I give in and let him take it with him…no big deal. We get downstairs and I start to change their diapers and dress them for the day. Have you ever tried to dress a little person who will NOT let go of a blanket. I had to feed the stupid blanket through the arm holes and then put it on him – which was not a speedy process. I don’t know why he needed that blanket so badly, but there was no convincing him otherwise. He then took it in his highchair during breakfast and in the wagon for our walk. It wasn’t until we got back from the walk and he was marching around the living room the finally let the blanket go for a few brief moments. What is with this odd obsession out of nowhere? Cute – but odd.

I am now headed home where I will once again play single parent – as my husband is in San Francisco for the night…lucky man. He is going to dine on fresh seafood and pasta and I am going to scrounge for leftovers and will most likely end up eating kiddy meals that the boys won’t finish. I will put them to bed at 8, read for 20 minutes and go to bed early because what else is there to do? Work – I don’t think so. Read – been doing it ALL DAY at work. Watch mindless television – perhaps. Take a long, luxurious bath – that sounds like the best option so far.