An Example of Insanity

My mother was raised by her Grandparents because her mother was not mentally stable and could not care for her. I never really questioned my mother about what was wrong with her mother, or what happened to her father. I had never known my Grandfather and seldom visited any of my relatives. I never met her Grandparents and she didn’t talk about them. Ever.

At my mothers funeral 15 years ago, one of my cousins told me what had happened to my Grandmother and my Grandfather, and I understood why my mother was not raised by them…

My Great-grandparents were fairly well off. My Great-grandfather designed and built bridges in Ohio. They were some-what social and wanted the best for their only daughter, Margaret. Apparently when my Grandmother was quite young she fell in love with a man that had no money – strike 1, didn’t come from a high-class family – strike 2, and was not liked AT ALL by her parents – strike 3. When she told her parents that she was pregnant, things could not have gone worse.

Margaret’s parents were livid. They did not want her marrying that man. They did not want him in their family. And they paid him to leave and never come back. He took the money and nobody heard from him again… nice don’t you think? Well, my mother went a little nuts and never recovered. She was institutionalized after my mother was born and was never ever normal.

My family is THAT insane. Seriously.

IVF Loss

Interesting take from an on-call doctor on post-IVF loss:

http://docshazam.blogspot.com/2005/11/tale-of-first-ovary.html

Feed babies

Get up.

Feed babies.

Do laundry.

Feed babies

Watch part of Season 1 of House.

Feed babies.

Grocery shopping.

Feed babies.

More errands.

Feed babies.

Dinner.

Feed babies.

Clean up.

Feed babies.

Seeing a pattern there? I swear to some-almighty-being that all we do is feed babies.

Life

I am feeling small and insignificant. I feel as if the tests I have faced in life are small, and that I have failed many of even those. If I were to die today, I would not feel accomplished. I would not feel justified in being given the gift of life. What can I do to change this? To feel worthy of this life I have been given? How do I make each day count for something special? What do I need to change in order to feel as though I am contributing more than I am taking from this life? Will I be remembered? If so, will people think of me quickly and then forget just the same, or will things that I have done leave a lasting impression? I don’t want to contemplate the answer to this one – I am afraid of what I may realize.

Do you think we should find meaning in life? Do you think that we are supposed to learn from it, contribute to it, change the world? If not, what do you think our purpose here is? Do we even have one?

Baby Sounds

Last night I woke up to baby sounds. There was a child awake and playing at 3:30 in the morning – oblivious to the world sleeping soundly around him. Having not yet slept at all (thank you ear from hell) I decided to coax him back to sleep. I went into his room and looked into the bed, expecting to find a head-bobby baby flailing about trying to find his paci. What I found instead was a bright eyed, squeely little boy looking right up at me. He had rolled over and was playing. Now, he has rolled over before, but not at night. We put the boys to sleep on the stomachs and that is how they wake up. Until now. He was the same way this morning at 6 – on his back smiling, ready to get up and play…the little butt.

Perfect

I sit in the rocking chair holding you against my chest. I can feel your chest move with each breath. Your head is tipped up toward me, you face tucked under my chin. I feel you eyelashes flutter against my skin when you blink. You are quiet and happy and perfect.

Toro

I just had wonderful sushi. I am in Austin on business for the night, so I decided to celebrate not having to get up with babies and treat myself to sushi and some wine. I went to this little house on Lamar near downtown called Uchi. Oh wow it was good. They had Toro, which was unbelievable – fresh from Perth Australia (or as fresh as it can be after being flown half-way around the world) – and I must say that I LOVE TORO. LOVE IT. However, I HATE the freaking cost. HATE IT!

One person.
One order of Super Toro Sushimi – 34.00
One order of Hamachi (yellowtail) – 12.00
One Crunchy Tuna Roll – 12.00
One bowl of Miso Soup – 2.00
One glass of Syrah – 10.00
Total – too freaking expensive to look at in print again.

And – I am not full. I was just tired of spending money.

I also went jogging around Town Lake. Nice. It was in the upper 70’s and sunny, and although trail was packed, it was still very nice to be out. I am not sure how far I went, but I was out for about 45 minutes…so 4-5 miles maybe. I was supposed to do 35 minutes, so I achieved that easily. Something about jogging somewhere new makes me more motivated.

Tomorrow – up at 6:00am so that I can pick up someone at the airport and head to an 8:30 meeting – yuck. But – right now I have to finish my glass of wine so that I can fall promptly to sleep.