Loss of Memory

2012-01-25T10:22:00.001-06:00

Back in June 2007, I spent some time in ICU on a ventilator. It was a pretty horrible experience. The beginning of January of this year I went into the hospital for some tests and ended up on the ventilator in ICU again. I hated it. I hated the drugs and the isolation. But, the tests came back and I don't have wegeners... So that is good. I should be back at work very soon, which makes me happy.

Long Time

2012-01-24T10:36:00.001-06:00

Apparently I am pretty confident in my memory...to the point where I don't think I need to write anything down these days.

2011-04-13T18:36:00.001-05:00

You are gone, and I miss you.

2011-04-13T18:33:00.001-05:00

There are birds in the courtyard, some in cages, some wondering on the grass. It is sunny and cool. There is a small Italian cafe on the corner- so out of place, and yet so memorable. This small part of town is an oasis in a dirty, filth- ridden city.

5 Year Old Ninjas

2011-02-21T09:06:00.002-06:00

Apparently the age of 5 is one where kids love to push the sanity buttons of those in charge of them. My boys have it down to a science, which is odd considering they still cannot manage button-up jeans. And yet they are the ninjas of driving me crazy.

It is a holiday for the boys, which means they are home all day, which in turn means I am on boy duty. I also have a doctor's appointment at 1:00. They have to come with me. I expect them to melt down on the way there, while there, and also on the way home. I figure if I expect the worst, I won't be disappointed.

Pictures

2010-12-10T10:13:00.004-06:00

Me - with new hair. By the way - this wig HURTS to wear. It fits better than the other one, but gives me a flipping headache. Won't be wearing it all the time is all I am sayin'

I guess Todd took this last night with my phone when Roark and I fell asleep. I found it on there this morning. Cute.

Hair No More

2010-12-07T15:53:00.002-06:00

I wear a lot of hats now. I have a wig too - but I am having trouble getting used to it. It seems so...bushy. I prefer the bald head I think. The only reason for the wigs is to avoid staring strangers and business meeting freak-outs. My husband thinks formal presentations require hair. At least he thinks it will make people less uncomfortable. I suppose he has a point...however I tend to think "screw all people" so it is hard for me to cave to that. Regardless I have decided to wear 'hair' for meetings. Am weak and self conscious. I am also drawing eyebrows on my face. So stupid...so very stupid.

The boys are great:

Todd is great (and my wig looks better on him than me:

And the girls will be home for Christmas soon:

SLE

2010-11-30T13:39:00.002-06:00

I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus a while back. It was a suspected diagnosis for years, although anyone with Lupus will tell you that an official diagnosis takes a long time to get. I have no idea why... I think it has to do with sunspots or alien life on earth. Just my guess...

I have been on high doses of prednisone along with a cocktail of other drugs for the past 4 months to combat all of the havoc SLE throws at my body. The goal has always been to reduce the prednisone or stop it completely, letting the other drugs control things. However that wasn't happening with me, and apparently long term prednisone at those doses is not very easy on the body. So the recommendation was to begin chemo - medium dosage, long term. Many different drugs were discussed, however my doctor decided to start with Methotrexate. I will be taking it weekly - forever, or until we find something better / with less side effects, that works for me.

I am thankful that there are options for treatment, unlike 50 years ago - however I am not thrilled with THIS treatment option. I started taking it during the week (Tuesday) and quickly learned that weekday dosing is not a good option for me. I spend at least a day or two sick, sick, sick, followed by a day or two of being so tired I cannot get enough sleep. This is followed by a day or two of normalcy - and then, back to chemo again. I did the second round of chemo on Friday, and felt ok all evening. Saturday was a mess. Sunday was better. Monday and Tuesday were DRAINING. Today I feel human again. This Friday I have to take it again. I hope this gets easier. The doctor added compazine for this round - which is supposed to help with the nausea. Although, initial research lists nausea and vomiting as a side effect of compazine - I have my doubts about its usefulness.

I am very lucky that what I have is treatable, that I am not facing a death sentence. I am glad that there are medicines available to treat SLE, and that I was able to get a diagnosis before my body was worn out and unable to recover. I am thankful for good doctors that know how to treat this disease, and I am so so grateful for my family and friends for being supportive while I whine and complain about the insignificant things going on with me. I promise to keep the whining down to a soft drone.

So - what does this mean in terms of me, what I do, how I live, etc? Apparently it doesn't really affect it much. I am still working full time, I am slacking at home, but luckily Todd is tolerant of my lack of energy and has been picking up the slack. I don't think I can take advantage of that forever though. I drink a little (although the medication doesn't really support that), and am starting to run again, although exercise has been difficult the past few weeks. I feel flabby and need to at least pick yoga back up again to have some sense of well being. I would ideally like to continue running and maybe get back into swimming - but finding the time is HARD. We are trying to eat well and keep life low maintenance, which is perfect for me. My biggest worry is work...how to spend the time needed on it to be successful without sacrificing my health and sanity. But - this is an issue we ALL face, isn't it?

The Locker Room

2010-10-29T14:20:00.001-05:00

I work with a group of frat house boys. Not literally, but certainly figuratively. Every conversation is speckled with expletives and raunchy stories of days gone by. There is an abundance of booze and drunkenness and unbelievably uncomfortable conversations in the evenings. There seem to be no boundaries when they are together. But, it is different for me. I am criticized for either being too engaged, or not engaged enough. It is perplexing.

I spent a few days out of town recently at a team meeting, and ended up sick, as happens when you have no immune system. I didn’t want to go out and play the last two nights and was criticized immensely for it. “Be a team player” “Your co-workers feel like you are distant” “The team dinners and off-time are critical to forge a bond that is needed in this job” and yet told “Be careful what you say” “Don’t get too personal with your co-workers” “keep your distance”. I don’t know what to do with this advice except laugh and call it a double standard, and little bit of bullshit.

This company is male abundant. Most technology companies are. This isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that this is one of the few times I feel a different set of rules apply because I am a woman and not a man. It makes me feel vulnerable and lacking control – something I have tried very much to avoid in my career.

Admittedly I do not currently have much of a filter when it comes to sharing. I tend to just be me. It is uncomfortable for some people, and I suppose I “get” that. But I do understand politics and business how to behave around customers.

What escapes me is a solution. I can get very good at what I do so that the other stuff doesn’t matter, grow some tougher skin, keep my mouth shut, or move on. Money is such a little whore though – and I really like having it so moving on isn’t all that appealing. That makes other fun options less intriguing (like becoming a writer or construction worker).

Sleepless Nights

2010-10-27T08:26:00.002-05:00

I lie awake in bed, waiting for the cellophane haze of the Ambien to surround me. I notice that I am always tense; my shoulders, back, neck, hands. My attempts to relax are useless, as if my mind and body have no real connection. I remember a period of time when my brother and I were much, much younger and he was faced with sleeping issues. He would try tensing every muscle and then relaxing them each one by one, trying to teach his body to relax. I have tried this. I have tried meditation. I have tried baths, candlelight, exercise, chamomile tea, reading, television, sticking to a schedule, complete silence and darkness, wine, Benadryl, Trazadone, Tylenol PM, Unisom, ditching all caffeine. And yet, sleep eludes me.

The rare times I am able to fall asleep unaided by medical intervention, I am awake after only a few hours as if I have been asleep all night. This of course leads to three o’clock death march later that afternoon. I am constantly thinking about how to get more sleep. I Google insomnia and read about how it is all psychological, all the while wishing my head were screwed on right. The same advice is everywhere – follow a schedule, get up if you cannot sleep, try not to worry about things before bed, keep a journal, do not drink alcohol or caffeine, get exercise and eat well, stop worrying about not sleeping because it won’t kill you – unless it does.

Because I Told My Therapist I Would Write More...

2010-10-26T15:49:00.001-05:00

I wish I knew then what I know now – knew the things I would encounter, the emotions I wouldn’t understand, the advice I would CRAVE. I wish I had queued up a million questions for my mother and forbade her to die until she answered every single last one of them. I wish I had listened to the stories of what I said when I was three, five, eight. I don’t remember those things…the ones that seemed insignificant to me – I was trying so desperately to grow up, not to relish each painful, demoralizing moment.

I see the other side of the coin now. My kids will ask a question, display a behavior, act out in some way, and it makes me pause. I wonder what that means in the grand scheme of their character. I wonder if it is learned, experimental, natural… Did I do that? Was I like that? Were my brother and I like that? How did our mom LET US LIVE PAST 5?

In the car today, after picking up the boys, we were inundated with non-stop noise from both Roark and Cole. They were not saying anything – just trying to get a moment’s notice – some validation that we missed them, cared about them, cared about one of them more than the other one…something. And they clearly were not getting what they wanted. It escalated quickly, causing me to go crazy for 5 minutes of silence which was never to be experienced. It was almost as if they were feeding off of the frenzy of mind-madness I had brought home from work with me. They saw a weakness and went for it. The torture implement was their non-stop noise and poking at each other. All through dinner, all through errands, all the way to an hour early bedtime because I may have killed them if they were awake for one more minute.

I sit here now thinking about what happened… about the testing and trying that the boys put us through and I wonder where I will ever get a leg up. At what point do they decide it isn’t fun to mess with parents anymore? At this point, it is 9:30pm and I am just diving back into hours of work, and by now, I have no patience to think clearly through anything. I just want to veg, go to sleep and not dread tomorrow.

They Just Don't Care

2010-10-03T12:16:00.003-05:00

I find myself annoyed with the boys more than I think I should be. They fight, they test me, they complain constantly, they know no other volume than AS LOUD AS THEY CAN TALK/YELL. I don't know if it is that they are five, that there are two of them, that they are boys, a combination of those, or if it's me. God, don't let it be me...

Spend an hour in my home and you will definitely hear one (or all) of the following):

Take that back in the kitchen
Cole, CUT THAT OUT
Roark, we don't use bathroom words when talking about people
STOP HITTING HIM
Quit kicking your brother
Don't tell me NO!
Go to your room.
I will NOT ask you again.
Use your inside voice please.
USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.
LOOK AT ME.
If you don't use your inside voice, I will put you outside.
No - You cannot go outside.
Dude, stop yelling. I am right here.
Food. IN THE KITCHEN.
What did you JUST SAY????
Leave that alone.
Put that back.
That is not yours.
Go to the bathroom before you wet yourself. Good grief!

I have a sticker system (bribery) that I use when they are respectful and kind all day. They are not getting very many stickers lately. They also don't appear to care. I am beginning to think that five year old boys have a type of dementia that renders them unable to associate behavior with punishment/rewards. They also seem unable to remember ANYTHING I tell them for any length of time. Or...they just don't give a damn. How do I make them give a damn?

Boys... AHHHHHHH

2010-09-09T17:16:00.003-05:00

5 year olds argue a lot. With each other. With their parents - namely me. Yesterday Cole actually told us that he thinks we don't know anything and his friend Caden in Kindergarten knows EVERYTHING. I didn't remember these things starting so young. I remember thinking my mother knew nothing...but I really thought that started later. With the girls, they hit that mark around 11 and never really grew out of it.

I have also found that school has an additional, yet related "benefit" - the boys will believe ANYTHING their friends tell them. "Montana said his dad stabbed his mom", "Caden said he pulled out someone's eyeballs". They all have a morbid, ridiculous theme, and I kind of hate public school now. Also other kids. Sometimes even mine.

Heavy Drinking

2010-09-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

Question posed during a routine health questionnaire: How many drinks per week on the average do you consume?

Outcome: You may have an problem with alcohol. More than 1 drink a day on average could indicate alcoholism.

Thoughts: What happened to one glass of wine a night is a good thing? ONE MORE drink than that and you are an alcoholic?

Todd found an article on CNN.com that supported heavy drinkers - apparently stating that they are healthier than light drinkers. I don't know the context, but the overall I believe his point was that we can find a study to support any lifestyle people want.

Lucky to Have

2010-09-03T17:59:00.003-05:00

Depression and anxiety is a funny thing. Not as in "haha" - more like "wow, so everyone doesn't feel like this?"

I have had a lot of life changes lately. SLE / Lupus diagnosis. Mother in law with Alzheimer's LIVING WITH US. Me taking care of mother in law. A new job. A lot of travel. All of this led to some decisions that I regret and behavior I was not very proud of. I don't blame depression, yet it made it hard to come out of all of this unscathed.

I am a social misfit. I don't mind putting on a "work" personality when needed, however it is more of a protective coating, to keep me from harm. I don't like to get close to people, and as a result, I do not have many close friends. I have some - and I love all of you dearly. However I am so very careful to share intimate details of my life for fear of being judged. On the other hand, I will listen to your life stories and hold them near to my heart. I am a great listener...it is sharing that I find difficult.

The previous conversation took place with my therapist. Todd and I began seeing a marriage counselor and I am also seeing him individually. Apparently I have a lot things to talk about... he wants to see me weekly. This is good and bad. Good because I think it is healing. Bad because it takes me to a very uncomfortable place and turns my anxiety up to 12.

About 2 weeks ago I hit what I imagine is rock bottom. I took a handful of pills and hoped to never wake up. I totally failed, because it only resulted in a good night's sleep...however I knew that I need help. I had felt like that before, yet had managed to pull out of it - had somehow been able to find my way out of the abyss. Not this time.

You see - I am a very successful, self-sufficient person. I can take care of my children. I took care of my mother when she was sick. I took care of myself when I was a kid and my mom worked all the time. I don't need help. EVER. This dark depression...this hole in my soul - it was hard to deal with and even harder to admit I couldn't handle on my own. It made me feel weak.

I started on Lexapro and Xanax - in fairly high doses. I have moved to Zoloft and Xanax and think I am starting to climb out of the fog, the confusion, the lack of will to just exist. And while I hate the medication, I feel more protected. I feel more equipped to deal with the curves life is throwing at me.

My husband and my friends have been wonderful - and I couldn't thank any of you enough. Just know that I am ok. I am getting better. I will learn to be more open. And I will learn to love this life I am so lucky to have.

What it feels like

2010-09-02T08:54:00.002-05:00

"So tell me what depression feels like, how do you know you are not just sad?"

"I feel lonely, and sad...but there is more. I feel like I am all alone, in this deep dark hole, and there is no way out. There is no way out and I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. And when I feel like that...I don't want to be alive."

5 Year Olds

2010-06-07T20:55:00.002-05:00

The boys turned 5 last week...two weeks ago...I don't even remember anymore. Let's just say a while ago. And those first two sentences are exactly what is wrong with me these days. I am ridiculously busy and losing my damn mind.

I have a new job, which I love. I am learning a lot of new things, and applying a lot of things I already know quite easily. I am traveling and commuting and telecommuting. I am single-parenting and sharing the travel times. I am dual parenting and trying to find time with my family. I am struggling with the boys and trying to find free moments to spend with the girls.

I am reaching out to old friends and working on making new ones.

I am working out and eating well. I am also drinking more than I should, but loving it in a sad, needful way.

I love this time in my life, and yet...and yet...it is kicking my ass.

Continual Brain Damage

2010-05-11T22:02:00.002-05:00

I have embarked on a new fitness fiasco: Strength and Muscle Training. I am not sure who to blame, perhaps my damaged brain. I want muscles. And not tiny little girl muscles - but hardcore (smallish) back, arm, calf, ab muscles. I don't want to look like a skinny, no-muscle, girl. And so I have adopted The 4 Day Power Muscle Burn Workout Split. If for no other reason than the kick-ass name. Seriously - who doesn't look good doing something titled The 4 Day Power Muscle Burn Workout Split? That's what I thought!

4 days a week you hit about 2 muscle groups. I am going to mix in some running and possibly swimming or biking as well, keeping cardio in the mix. The swimming and biking cause some knee dislocation these days, so we will see how that goes. I really have no desire to keep dislocating my knee after all.

Yesterday was running. Today was Chest and Biceps. Tomorrow is Quads and Hamstrings. Thursday brings another run followed by Shoulders and Triceps on Friday. Saturday is supposed to be Back, Calves and Abs, although I am not sure I can manage that because we have a hell of a busy weekend. Sunday is another run. I may have to double up on Sunday or scrap the weekend altogether.

I think the big push is the fact that I head back to work on the 24th of May and I really want to start a routine I can stick to moving forward. I need to see if there is a participating health club near the office so that I can work out at lunch or in the morning - otherwise it is going to be difficult to get these workouts in. I would have to resort to working out after the boys go to bed, and honestly - I don't know that the gym is opened that late. If only we had weights at the house...

So - the brain damage continues...

Brain Damage

2010-05-11T14:05:00.006-05:00

I have sort of turned into a running fool. People who know me would argue that I am already a fool. I don't listen to those people anymore.

I started running 2-3 miles one or two days a week and it was not very motivating. I extended it to 4 miles and realized that it wasn't any more difficult than the shorter runs. Apparently the first few miles are horrible no matter how far I am going. My knee held up, so I increased mileage. I have run a few long runs, and seem to really love the 6-8 mile range. It is difficult enough to make me feel good about what I am doing, yet not so long that I am hurting too much the next day.

Then there is the knee. My left knee is a rebel. I need to get it fixed (or removed for bad behavior...whatever) yet I don't want to deal with that right now. So I continue to abuse it and hope they can repair the damage when I give in and go back to the doctor. For now, I find it quite useful to medicate before and after a run with copious amounts of advil and the occasional vicodin - the latter only after a run and typically at night to sleep after a long run. I feel 80 years old on the days that it hurts, and yet I keep running.

I think I have brain damage.

I have been looking into half marathons and marathons again. I have run a few in the past and I cannot quiet the voice that wants to do it again.

See? Brain damage.

I have my eye on a marathon this December in Dallas.

Tents and Time

2010-05-04T21:20:00.002-05:00

The little Vegas vacation didn't happen. The whole losing-the-job activity sort of put a damper on many plans. Instead - we went camping for a night. Mother in law has not exactly been anything close to self-sufficient so it was pretty much all we could manage without putting her in respite care, which is quite expensive.

We chose a primitive camping area that required a fairly good hike out, leaving civilization behind. It seemed like a good idea at the time. However we failed to check the weather report and ended up in a tornado. That was an experience I do not soon want to relive. I would be fairly happy never having lived it the first time around.

It was nice to spend time alone - no kids, no mother in law (yet another kid really), no pets, no work, no computer, no cell phone. Just us, wine and conversation and it was wonderful (all the way up to the part where the wind split a tree, it fell on the tent, and broke the tent poles - resulting in a flood in our beds).

I really think conversation is one of the first things to go in marriage when there is an abundance of things going on all around. Soccer and baseball and bills and baseball and work and school and a million other things flying around making it hard to dedicate time to working on a relationship. And the funny thing is that you don't always realize it until you have time to spend together and suddenly WHAM! It hits you right smack in the face - you have not really completed a full sentence without being interrupted by a 4 year old in MONTHS. How does that slip by without being noticed?

Parenting is work. So is marriage. Both are totally worth the work mind you. But damn, are they work. Even when they are great, they take care and commitment and sometimes it is hard to find time to feed that part of our lives...don't you think?

How it feels

2010-04-15T20:19:00.004-05:00

I have been emotional lately. Almost like a real girl. It is like PMS 24x7...I think. I don't really ever get PMS. Please stop giving me the evil eye - it isn't my fault. However lately, since "the job incident", I have been just on the edge of, oh - I don't know... losing my shit? I am touchy. I am on edge. I am ever-so-slightly-unstable way down at the inner core of my being. I don't even know that anyone else notices it - but I do. I don't feel the same cocky confidence that I seem to achieve so easily. My "work personality" is a bit shattered and I am left with the insecure INTJ type of person that I am inside, just oozing out of my seams. And you know what? I am not fond of this situation.

I feel for all of the people out of jobs in the country, in the world. I hope I have been helpful when people have needed me, because there are some very gracious, wonderful people helping me, and if it were not for them, I would lose my patience, and possibly my mind. Dan, Susan, Dennis, Mike, Davey, Laurie, Terry, Bebe, Rey, Roseanne, Janna, Kate, Erin, Dennis, Marietta, Chris, Aine, Pam, Jason and Lauren - and those I have forgotten - thank you, all of you for being my friend and just being there. It means a lot.

However...it only does so much, and I have to admit I didn't understand what people were going through in the past when they were let go (when I LET THEM GO... OH GOD), when they were without jobs. It is so taxing, and your ego takes a hit. Mine did anyway. I am a strong, successful business person. I make (made) an insane amount of money. I really thought I was invincible, and well, look at this - not so true. Now, just like all of those other people I have known, I have to get up, find a job, and heal myself.

Sloth

2010-04-15T00:37:00.002-05:00

We register the boys for Kindergarten tomorrow.

I have been looking at that first line for about 30 minutes now in utter horror. My last two children are starting kindergarten, and it is truly blowing my mind. I can remember Cassie and Brittany both entering school like it was yesterday. It feels like the boys were born merely a year or two ago. How do the months fly by so fast? Where do the years go?

I don't write here much anymore. I think there are several reasons - the main one being time. I had been buried in a new job for the past 6 months and have tried to spend as much time on it as I could. I have also been trying to spend more time with Todd and the boys. On some level, I must realize where the time goes and I want to savor the time and not miss so much. And of course, Facebook is much easier to update than having to plan what to write and then be able to articulate in a fashion that doesn't make me sound like an uneducated sloth. On Facebook - one-liners are fine. Sloth writing abounds.

I would like to write about the loss of above mentioned job, however I am not ready to go there yet. So for now I will simply try to write - maybe just a few slothful sentences every day. Perhaps I will begin to share more...perhaps not.

Alzheimer's

2010-04-05T13:42:00.003-05:00

At first you don't even notice anything is different. Things float along like they always have with an occasional hiccup, which you dismiss as a normal annoying occurrence of life. After all, things go wonky for all of us every now and then, right?

Then the annoying occurrences seem to increase, or they annoy you more - you are not sure which. You begin blaming yourself. You feel like your expectations are too high. Perhaps you are stressed out. Maybe things have always been like this and only now they are starting to bother you.

You finally accept that the person has a problem. They are forgetting things, making bad decisions, taking longer to do absolutely everything. While you suspect Alzheimer's, you keep telling yourself you are over-reacting.

Eventually you get the official diagnosis - Alzheimer's it is. And at that point things seem to take a dramatic turn for the worse. Their behavior gets markedly worse. They forget the strangest things (where they live, how to get to the store, where the pharmacy is). You spend every moment they are gone wondering if they will make it back. You spend hours looking for them, guiding them back home. You all try not to mention the actual word, yet you all know what is happening.

We are now in stage...Next. The diagnosis is in. We understand what we are dealing with. We have taken away her car. We help her get dressed, make sure she eats, buy everything for her, give her all medication, make sure her dog gets fed. We have to give her 2 hours to get ready to go pretty much anywhere, and assume we will be late anyway. It is still manageable...but we are approaching the end of being able to do this ourselves.

I try to be positive. I assure her that I enjoy helping her, that I want to make things easier for her. And while that is very true, because I love her dearly, part of me is fighting this new stage. I don't want to take care of a parent. I don't want to be caregiver to yet another person. I don't want everything to be put on hold while we deal with this latest crisis. I know it is selfish, and I try to push those thoughts out of my head...yet there they are.

So you hate your customers?

2010-03-08T13:50:00.002-06:00

So your customer is driving you crazy. They keep changing their mind, demanding quick responses, asking for the impossible. "It is difficult to do business with them" you say. Well, how easy is it to do business without them? Do you know why the phrase The Customer is Always Right exists? It is really quite simple. If you don't have customers - you don't have a business. Are they always right? No, but their opinion certainly does matter. In fact, their opinion is EVERYTHING.

I don't care how smart you are, how organized your business is, how much market research you have conducted. If you have upset customers, and you are not doing anything to alleviate their concerns, they are going to leave. As a consumer, I know that if I do not like a particular business or product, that I have other options. And believe me - I am not afraid to exercise that right: the right to spend my money somewhere else.

I think most of us in business are familiar with this scenario: The customer is asking for something we don't offer, or is unhappy with the features of an existing offering or product. And we know that what they want either isn't what they need, or isn't in line with our current business plans. There are a few ways this can go. Either you convince your customer that they actually need something different than what they asked for via the "I am the expert and I know what you need, so shut up and listen to me" method, or they convince you that they need what they need and that is all they are paying you to do.

So what really should be happening here? Unless you are being hired as a neutral third party, to give your opinion on a particular subject, think long and hard about how you are going to message "you don't need what you think you need". There is a right way and a wrong way. And for the record, most ways you can think of are wrong.

The key in business is to have a product people need, message it affectively, and treat your customer's well. If you have what people need, and they can understand what you have - then you will begin collecting customer's. If you treat them well and listen to them, they will stay. If you cease listening to their requests, their perceived needs and their concerns? They will take their money somewhere else.

Vegas

2010-03-05T14:13:00.003-06:00

We have booked a little weekend vacation to Vegas - and I am as excited as a 12 year old boy with his father's playboy! I need a weekend away from the kids and responsibilities of normal life - and there is nowhere on earth that oozes irresponsibility like Vegas baby. Vegas.

Can you just imagine?

2010-03-04T21:03:00.003-06:00

We have a word game I am sure I have written about before that we play at our house. More specifically that the boys like to play. I don't know how it started, however we end up listening to this on every car ride now:

Cole: Can you imagine if there were 400 of me?

Me: No.

Cole: Could you just imagine if there were a thousand of me?

Me: We would need more lunch boxes. And a bigger car.

Roark: Could you just imagine if there were 5 of me?

Me: We would need a bigger car.

Cole: Could you just imagine if there were... Is 1,000,000 bigger than 100?

Me: Yes.

Cole: Could you just imagine if there was 1,000,000 of me?

Me: We would totally need a bigger house. And a lot more jackets.

Roark: Can you imagine if there were 1 of me.

Me: Yes. And it is exhausting.

Proof that Snow Causes Brain Damage

2010-02-11T14:35:00.002-06:00

My husband just came inside after walking the dog. I asked how it was out there. His response: Nice. I mean it's not that cold. It is something like 33 degrees.

Hello! We live in Texas. 33 degrees is effing FREEZING here.

All Hail the Purple License Plate!

2010-02-11T12:34:00.006-06:00

I recently finished dealing with two speeding tickets that I received inside a two week period late last year. One resulting in defensive driving and a hefty fine. The other resulted in legal fees, a hefty fine, and a promise to behave for 60 days. The common denominator here was HEFTY FINES. And while I don't like parting with my hard-earned money, I have come to accept that I will be doing so, at least periodically, while I am continuing to drive. And because of this, I would like to make a plea to the government...

Let me buy a purple license plate every year. I will display it for all to see. I will pay a HEFTY FINE for said license plate UP FRONT. And in return? I want to be permitted to drive up to 25 miles an hour OVER the posted speed limit (barring school and work zones of course). You will be getting your fine up front, and I will be permitted to drive faster, because I like to. Apparently you are not really concerned about safety (YOU, being the government) because I can receive such penalties as deferred adjudication, where I simply pay you more money and am left alone.

By permitting such a thing, I am saved the hassle of dealing with the tickets (court, paperwork, etc) and the government is saved similar hassles. And? They still get money.

I think it is a fine solution. Please sign me up.

Multimedia message

2010-01-08T12:55:00.000-06:00

Car broken. 22 degrees out.

Snowy Day

2009-12-29T17:07:00.001-06:00

Santa was here!!!

2009-12-24T23:18:00.001-06:00

Winter wonderland

2009-12-24T19:03:00.000-06:00

In freaking Texas!

To my daughter's friend:

2009-12-16T15:11:00.000-06:00

You are such a special, wonderful girl. You have been a part of our lives for what feels like forever and I wanted to give you a token of what you mean to me, to us. You were there for Brittany during her darkest hour, and I can say with certainty that without you, she wouldn’t be us today. Thank you for that.

I know how difficult your life has been…how hard it is to not feel wanted or loved. You are wanted. And you are loved - certainly by us and so many other people in your life. I know that you want to be taken care of, to feel appreciated, to have things feel easy for once – and it is the experiences that have made you feel this way that are going to make you the most fantastic adult, the most loving parent (please not anytime soon!), and the best friend a person can have.

Remember these things, and do not sell yourself short. In spite of how you sometimes feel, you have so much to offer someone, and you deserve to be treated well, to be appreciated, to be wholly and completely loved for exactly who you are.

Merry Christmas. Love, Charlise, Brittany (and the rest of the Kindsfather clan)

Roark

2009-12-11T17:52:00.001-06:00

In my running hat dressed like bumble bee

Oh, The Things I Can Do!

2009-12-03T09:59:00.002-06:00

This is totally lifted from An Ordinary Life:

I have highlighted the ones that I can do in bold.

1. Build a Fire
2. Operate a Computer
3. Use Google Effectively
4. Perform CPR and the Heimlich maneuver
5. Drive a Manual Transmission Vehicle
6. Do Basic Cooking (I am actually a very good cook)
7. Tell a Story that Captivates People’s Attention - I am not sure I am that good at this...
8. Win or Avoid a Fistfight – I suppose I can avoid them just fine, as I have never been in one outside of my brother...but I am also quite certain that if I were to get in one, I would get my butt kicked.
9. Deliver Bad News. This I suck at.
10. Change a Tire
11. Handle a Job Interview (I have Microsoft to thank for this - their process was HARD, YO)
12. Manage Time
13. Speed Read
14. Remember Names
15. Relocate Living Spaces
16. Travel Light - although I do tend to check baggage at the airport because of contact lens cleaner and such
17. Handle the Police
18. Give Driving Directions - I can give them, however I am very limited in where I know how to get without google maps or my GPS. God, I love my GPS.
19. Perform Basic First Aid
20. Swim
21. Parallel Park
22. Recognize Personal Alcohol Limits – I just don't drink anymore. At all. So it is pretty easy.
23. Select Good Produce
24. Handle a Hammer, Axe or Handsaw
25. Make a Simple Budget
26. Speak at Least Two Common Languages - While I have learned Spanish, I promptly forgot all of it...ahhh, the mind is a funny thing, no?
27. Do Push-Ups and Sit-Ups Properly
28. Give a Compliment
29. Negotiate - this is a funny one. I don't like to negotiate, or so I claim, however I am actually quite good at getting what I want, so I must possess this skill in some fashion, right?
30. Listen Carefully to Others - always a great skill to have and one I have to personally work on ALL THE TIME. Huh? Were you just talking to me????
31. Recite Basic Geography - Hey! I do to know where Texas AND Indiana are. Also, Tazmania, Fiju, the Congo, and Prague.
32. Paint a Room
33. Make a Short, Informative Public Speech
35. Flirt without Looking Ridiculous - What? This comes in handy. Shut up. It does too.
36. Take Useful Notes
37. Be a Respectful House Guest - at least I think so... god, I hope so.
38. Make a Good First Impression
39. Navigate with a Map and Compass - I have not done this since, oh, grade school, but that counts, right?
40. Sew a Button onto Clothing
41. Hook up a Basic Home Theater System - perhaps I could, but I don't have to - Todd does that. Thank god.
42. Type
43. Protect Personal Identity Information
44. Implement Basic Computer Security Best Practices
45. Detect a Lie - I am quite good at this. Ask my kids. They get away with NOTHING.
46. End a Date Politely Without Making Promises - you have no idea how happy I am that I don't have to do this. I really am not a fan of dating.
47. Remove a Stain
48. Keep a Clean House
49. Hold a Baby - am also good at eating babies feet - NOM NOM NOM (yes Laurie, I am thinking of Abby)
50. Jump Start a Car

If our kids are a reflection of us, then...

2009-12-02T22:05:00.002-06:00

I can see quite clearly where my children get their sense of humor: dry, quick, ruthless.

I can tell when they are approaching tired, as they get a little bit wild, slightly grumpy, just a tiny bit more reliant on us.

I can sense their frustration build when they are doing something new or difficult.

I can feel them pull away as they try to prove their independence, wanting so badly to be perfect, to do everything right the first time, to exceed expectations always.

I wish our children had only inherited the good strong qualities I possess. I want them to have an easy time with things, to feel confident, happy, challenged enough to stay interested in life. However that is not how life works, is it? They have the good and the bad - and along with that they have the typical inescapable human qualities we all become burdened with. I suppose the key is how we equip them to mold those qualities and deal with the world around them. Please don't let me fail at this...

The Things Life is Made of...

2009-11-23T10:54:00.003-06:00

We have had a busy weekend full of doctor visits, family coming in town (Hi Diedre!), pool table building, horse visiting, car key finding, debit card finding, senior center evaluating, cooking, eating out, furniture removing, kid wrangling and more. It was fun and tiring and sad. It was the stuff that life is made of.

Todd's mom finally made it to the doctor and came out with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. This is not a shock to us, however it was a blow to her. She said she doesn't feel any different, doesn't feel like she forgets things, and she is sad. She cannot drive at night now. She cannot drive long distances. She is on medication and is still being evaluated / staged. We need to find a specialist and then will figure out what is next. In the meantime, I am looking into a support group for her (her request) along with a membership to a local senior center - to make some local friends and stay involved in things. Now that she isn't watching the boys, her days are spread out before her, full of nothing to do, nobody to see, nothing to learn. I don't think that is very exciting for her...it wouldn't be for me.

So for now, we move through the days, head into the holidays and hope for the best. How about you?

Zieggy Time

2009-11-22T19:51:00.001-06:00

Where in the world would you like to go but you won’t because…

2009-11-16T21:03:00.002-06:00

Do you have secret dreams that you know you will never, ever even attempt to achieve? Do you try to morph them into something possible, or do you simply push it back into the recesses of your mind, hoping to keep the desire at bay?

I have written about my intrigue with Mt. Everest before. I have always wanted to summit that ridiculously dangerous mountain. No, I don’t care that people die doing it. No, I don’t care about ice crevasses. No, I don’t care about the lack of oxygen, the months of training, the ice climbing classes, the unpredictable storms. I have simply always wanted to try to make it to the top. But I won’t.

I don’t think dangerous endeavors are the things coveted by people with families…moms with children…people with loved ones that they do not want to leave to wonder through life alone. At least that is my reasoning. As much as I would LOVE trying to do the impossible, it simply isn’t worth the risk to me anymore. Perhaps at an earlier time in my life – a time when I was young, single, had money and no obligation – oh, wait – THAT WAS NEVER ME. So, I suppose it was never really a reality.

The closest I will ever come to the peak of Everest is base camp. And I even wonder about the reality of that. A flight to Katmandu is not inexpensive. It isn’t really a “family vacation” – at least not one you take small boys on. Not my small boys anyway. I can barely keep track of them in the mall play area. I cannot imagine the mayhem involved in controlling them in that environment… “don’t eat that”, “don’t drink that”, “stop touching that frozen dead body”, “come here, come here, come here” – not even close to a vacation.

And yet, it still occupies my thoughts. No – I won’t ever try… But still…

I think it is this ongoing craving to see the magic mountain that sparked the same desire in my oldest daughter – and I have to admit that it makes me quite happy. I read Into Thin Air to Cassie when she was in first grade. I think she immediately decided that she was going to climb Everest, and I have encouraged it ever since that November night way back in 1996. She doesn’t plan to have a family. She doesn’t want children. She wants to work for the government and do spy stuff for a living…it is a perfect (even possible) dream for her. I don’t know if she will go through with climbing at all, or will be satisfied with base camp. I can say with certainty, if I were in her shoes, nothing could stop me from at least trying to beat the mountain.

On being a family

2009-11-16T09:15:00.002-06:00

Our family has been touched with what we are guessing is Alzheimer's and I have to say that I am not a fan.

When I was pregnant with the boys, we joked with my mother-in-law that she should quit her job and take care of them for us. She took it quite seriously and actually did just that. She decided that she wanted to get to know her grandsons and spend as much time as she could with them. And so she quit her job, sold her house, and moved in with us. She was here for us when the boys were little, allowing me to go back to work. She was here when I was very very sick and in the ICU for three months in 2007 - taking care of the boys day after day while Todd tried to spend time with me. She has been here for the first 4 1/2 years of their lives - playing with them and watching them grow.

About a year ago we started noticing some things that were just a little off. She seemed to be making poor decisions (getting lost on a trail with the boys and getting a ride back to her car with strangers), getting lost occasionally (came back from a trip and couldn't find car at the airport for a few hours), forgetting little things like where her keys or wallet were. They all seemed like they had fairly sound explanations (poor judgement, typical memory stuff we all experience, etc) and we didn't chalk it up to much more than that - although we started paying closer attention to things.

In the past 6 months we started noticing more and more that her confidence seemed to be waining, she didn't seem like herself - more quiet, less interactive, less involved at her church. And then even more recently we started worrying about her ability to take care of the boys. We heard about several instances from neighbors where she wasn't really handling them well, or didn't know what they were doing at all. Things started adding up and we decided that Roark and Cole needed to be in preschool full time with an after school program. We told Grammy that we were doing it for the boys - they need more interaction, need to learn more before kindergarten. But we didn't really confront her with what we really thought...Alzheimer's. Todd did call her doctor and asked him to try to schedule a physical to evaluate her, but we are not sure that ever happened.

Todd finally had to tell her that she needed to see a doctor (a few weeks ago based on more things happening) but that has not yet happened. She has an appointment this Friday (if it doesn't get rescheduled again) - but we are still really worried about what will happen before then. This past weekend she seems to have hit a wall, or rather is headed down hill. Perhaps it is caused by us putting the boys in full time care and disturbing her routine? She is now getting lost when driving to familiar places, and worse, not calling anyone for help - just continuing to get more and more lost - further and further away.

Part of this disease (if that is what this is) is paranoia and doubt. She doesn't think there is anything wrong. In her head, there is a logical explanation for how she ended up driving 9 hours out of her way on Friday night, or how she ended up driving 6 hours yesterday on her way home from lunch. It is ugly and difficult and just not fair.

I took care of my mom when she was sick and dying from cancer. It was difficult and horrible and I spent a lot of time being angry with her for being sick and for making my life so difficult. I was young, so don't be too hard on me for being a selfish little bitch. I then spent years feeling guilt for feeling angry -so I guess I got what I deserved after all.

Some of these familiar feelings started seeping through the cracks recently - "this is HARD", "I just really want things they way used to be", "I don't want to have to deal with this"... and then I realized what was happening, kicked myself in my own butt, and soldiered on - because Barbara is a good person, who loves us and who we love too. She gave up her life to be part of ours, part of the boy's lives. She is a wonderful, sweet, loving, kind mother, grandmother, friend - and this is tragic and sad, and not what ANY of us want. I am sure it isn't close to the life she envisioned when she signed up to watch her grandkids.

Next up: get her in to the doctor and find out what we can do. Is this Alzheimer's? Dementia? The result of some heart condition causing lack of oxygen to the brain? What can be done? What do we watch for? What are the risks? What is going to happen next? We just really need to understand what the problem is and what options she has for dealing with it. We need to give it a name so that we can talk about it, as opposed to pretending it doesn't exist.

In the meantime? We continue to support her, spend time with her, be patient, be loving, be a family.

Roark pretending to be Iron Man

2009-11-14T19:30:00.002-06:00

I have no idea why my boys are so violent. We only let them watch
whatever they want.

Cole and Todd

2009-11-14T18:49:00.001-06:00

We are watching Iron Man with the boys. Well, Todd is asleep after
being up all last night. I am not far behind him - banking 4 hours of
sleep at 6am.

Hopefully tonight will be better, quieter, less dramatic.

It's hard to be 4

2009-11-09T15:35:00.001-06:00

How was your new school?

Did you make new friends?

One boy...but I don't know his name. One boy hitted me.

Why?

He said I took his acorns. But I didn't. I founded them on the ground.

Did you tell your teacher?

Yeah.

How did that make you feel? Were you sad?

It made me feel confused.

On Aging

2009-11-06T08:50:00.003-06:00

You will start a new preschool on Monday. I think you are both excited, however I cannot be sure how you will adjust until your first few days are passed. Your grandmother has taken care of you most days since you were born...you were very lucky that we had that option. I think it has created a special bond that most kids don't experience. Unfortunately you are both wild, strong willed, exhausting boys and have become too much for her. What we are speculating is Alzheimer's is eating away at her memory and confidence, leaving the two of you at risk. While things might be fine the way they are, I am not able to make myself comfortable with it so we have decided to put you in full time care outside the home. This has been really hard on all of us, but mostly your father. He is so afraid of hurting his mom and loves her so much...I understand those feelings all too well, but don't know how to make them go away or lighten the load.

I took you to the new school yesterday and you loved it. You loved it so much that you decided to tell your grandma about it this morning, which was full of uncomfortable moments...I chose to ignore the whole situation. Your dad finally talked to your grandma about the new school after someone at preschool asked if we were switching schools in front of her - telling her that you will be in a program that has swimming lessons and hiking and a great after school program. We all think you will enjoy it more than hanging out at home between 2 and 6, and that is how he discussed it with your grandma - she can now be a grandma instead of a caretaker. Win-win overall (I hope).

All of this has made me think about aging, about how people end up so dependent on those they took care of in years past. I am not ready to get old - never want to impose on the two of you, or the girls in that way...I never want to seem weak in your eyes. What an unfair dealing life seems to be...

Parenting - it is mind-splittingly insane!

2009-11-05T11:40:00.002-06:00

You are obnoxious and clearly tired, or hungry, or both. We head out to grab some sandwiches for dinner - what is supposed to be a break for me but ends up being more work than it appears worth. You both fight all the way there about the direction the sun is setting, what is playing on the radio and how the other is OHMYGOD breathing! You whine and cry about 1) wanting a drink 2) about wanting different chips 3) about wanting peanut butter and jelly (which damnit child - we are already getting you) and 4) about something I cannot even understand. The threats of time out are unending, as is your tolerance for said threats. You stomp around mumbling about how you will do what you want when you want and something else that I am certain translated to "f-you, bitch" in 4-year-old-speak. You end up in the threatened time out and then fake-cry while sitting there. You are mean and unhappy and want the world to know it. Within 2 minutes back in the car, you are both asleep. As I am carrying you into the house, your head nestled against my neck, your breathing steady and sweet, I think how lucky I am that you are in my life.

No, as a matter of fact I did NOT PLAY FOOTBALL.

2009-11-04T15:53:00.005-06:00

I never seem to get this thing right - the whole eating right and exercising thing. While I can manage the eating right OR the exercise part, I seldom successfully combine both for a cohesive sustainable solution. You know what I mean? I have months where I am obsessed with the exercise - I do the 30 day shred, I run, I mix in the gym. And then I think "wow - I really should eat right too" and head off in the eating right direction, only to leave working out on the side of the road all battered and abused.

Today I went to the witch doctor (AKA Orthopedic Surgeon) and didn't hear anything new really about the deteriorating condition of my left knee - except that next up is injections of synovial fluid replacement stuff followed by re constructive knee surgery (we can make you better, stronger, faster...).

One thing that was new? I was told to step up the exercise. He wants me to build up my left quad, as it has deteriorated quite a bit since the surgery in July. This, only months after being told to pretty much scrap working out altogether. MAKE UP YOUR MIND MAN!

I looked up lots of quad exercises and they all require a lot of strain on the knee - which is difficult at best. I am not supposed to put any direct pressure on the knee, not supposed to run or bike, and not supposed to do aerobics. I see nothing left - except swimming and maybe yoga.

I sent some time looking online and ruled out a few exercises right off the bat. Squats are O-U-T out. Too hard on the knee. Same for lunges. I half-ass my way through them when I do the shred and they don't help if you don't do them right. Doing them right = pain. I think I will start spending more time swimming and some targeted weights at the gym. If I can mix that with eating less crap and more protein, it should help build muscle. Wish me luck.

From Far Away Places

2009-11-03T20:34:00.002-06:00

I have spent the past 11 years working for a widely dispersed company – one where a good part of the work force worked from home or out of offices located across the country. I am used to not seeing the people I work with. In fact, I never met some of the people that I worked with regularly. It was simply how work was done. However in spite of that, I worked in the home office, and had an opportunity to stay plugged in at all times.

My new company is very different in many ways from my old one – and dispersment of the workforce (or rather lack of it) is one of the main differences that I see. The company I work for is in Austin, Texas. I live in Plano, about 3 ½ hours north of there. All of the other employees live in Austin. They all show up at the office every day. They are on kickball, dodgeball, soccer and softball teams together. They are friends. They work closely and are together all of the time. While this didn’t seem like a huge issue when deciding to take the job, it is now weighing fairly heavily on me.

The agreement when hired was that I would remain in Plano, spending time with one of our customers here, traveling to Austin one or two days a week. This seemed like an easy thing to manage – and it still may be. However the real issue is that I feel disjointed, separated, not plugged in – when I am not there. I feel like I am missing some special bond or experience – like an outsider – and like I am not giving as much as the people there.

I work smart. I work hard. I don't slack at home - yet I don't feel as though I am as valuable here. I know that they would like me in Austin more, however I cannot be away that much from my family and not feel like I am missing my kids growing up, missing time with my husband. I am not in a position to move to Austin right now, especially with Brittany still in high school. So what options do I have to balance this out and feel like we are all getting the best out of me?

How about you? Do you work in a company where you are not with the main work force, and if so, how do you manage it? How do you stay plugged in and attentive while not being in the middle of it all? And how do you feel as valuable as you would if you were there all the time?

Letters to my Boys

2009-11-02T20:57:00.001-06:00

Roark:

You love getting the mail. You will sit and look at the names on the letters, trying to determine which piece goes to which person. I have seen you sorting the mail into piles in the entryway – pretending to be reading the address on the front.

You have started playing with “guys” – something you have not really spent much time on in the past. Power Ranger guys were always your brother’s favorite thing, however lately I have seen you carrying them around. Today you had a plastic cowboy with you and you had it in your pocket all day at preschool. You also still love playing with Legos, but your favorite thing to do is wrapping presents. I have no idea why, but you are actually quite good at it.

Your favorite food seems to be sugar pizza or pancakes. You have had pancakes for breakfast every single day since you were around 18 months old – that is a lot of pancakes. And you are not happy unless they are swimming in syrup. You actually say that too – “I want them swimming in syrup” – it is cute, yet annoying.

You have a hard time concentrating on things for very long, preferring to twirl around and sing to yourself. Perhaps you have a future in interpretive dance?

You are playing your second year of soccer this year. You KNOW how to play, and do well in practice, but don’t seem to enjoy playing the games. You told me last week that you like it, but you cannot run as fast as the other kids so you don’t want to really play. I disagree – you run really fast when I am chasing you!

You are also playing baseball for the first time. While you seem to love batting, you don’t seem that excited about being in the outfield.

This is your second year of swimming lessons and you love them. You are able to swim short distances on your own and always seem excited about going to class.

This is also your first year of preschool. You were going three days a week and we just enrolled you in the 5 day a week program. Both you and Cole are learning so much there and always seem excited to go. In less than a year you will be in kindergarten – and I think you will like that too.

You like bounce houses, playing at the park, swinging on the monkey bars, climbing ANYTHING (you climbed the fence last night and couldn’t get down – so you stood out there in the backyard yelling until I came out to help you). You love “yummy lunches” (lunchables) – especially the ones with pudding in them, and teddy grahams.

You love watching Scooby Doo, but we stopped letting you watch it at night, because you kept getting scared. Now you watch Handy Manny and Curious George at night, saving Scooby for daylight hours.

We can always tell when you are hungry, because you turn into a grumpy, obnoxious little boy – but a few bites of food and you are once again our wonderful Roark-a-sour.

Cole:

You love playing tag and chase at the park. You like being outside playing any sort of game – baseball, soccer, football – as long as we are playing with you.

Another thing you love is playing the Wii. You are quite skilled at it too – beating me senseless in boxing, and showing your skill in baseball and even Tiger Woods Golf. You would play it for hours and hours if we would let you.

You have scored quite a few goals in soccer this year, even though you have backed off a bit lately. Perhaps it is time to move on to football? You love swimming lessons – and have improved a lot over the past few months, now able to swim short distances on your own!

This is your first year of baseball, and you have really taken to it. You can whack the ball far, but the real joy is watching you in the outfield. You go after EVERY SINGLE BALL – no matter where it goes. I have never seen a kid so into the game.

When you are tired, we all have to tread lightly, because you can become quite the grumpy kid. There are many afternoons where you will fall asleep and sleep right through dinner…waking up to eat and then will go to bed fairly well only a few hours later. Must be all that Wiii playing…

You don’t seem very excited about any particular food, except maybe sausage rolls – which you have had for breakfast most mornings for the past two years. We typically buy a few dozen at the donut place up the street and keep them in the freezer so that you can have them every morning.

You love preschool – and your teacher said that you are a fantastic student. This is good because starting today you are going to move from three days a week to five days a week. When I told you this, you clapped and cheered (while your brother mumbled something about being too tired).

You have been telling me that you want a race track every time they advertise them on TV. This fits well with your love for cars and trucks, and all pretend play.

You don’t really like coloring, or doing many crafts, although you will give play dough a try every now and then, losing interest inside a few minutes.

You were the black spiderman this year for Halloween and seemed to enjoy tricker treating – although you don’t really like candy much. In fact, you don’t seem that excited about much sweet, with the exception of strawberry ice cream.

You love watching Handy Many and the occasional Curious George, but don’t like any show where inanimate objects move on their own. Talking or moving furniture, clocks, or pictures scare the daylights out of you, even though you know it isn’t real.

You are our wonderful Coley-Kong.

Halloween

2009-10-30T17:28:00.001-05:00

Roark and Cole

Seriously?

2009-10-29T21:31:00.001-05:00

My hotel lamp. They actually have a converter so they can avoid use of
a normal bulb. Hate.

Rental car description

2009-10-26T16:00:00.001-05:00

NCRAP

Soccer Saturday - Cole

2009-10-24T15:03:00.001-05:00

Soccer Saturday - Roark

2009-10-24T15:02:00.001-05:00

Journal Entries - Overview

2009-10-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

I have captured all of the entries that were in my mother's notebook. I wish that there was more...I am left feeling like I only began to see a glimpse of the real Nancy. She was such a lonely person, searching for a true friend. She didn't focus on money or things, but kept her sights on love and understanding. She seemed to be such a good person way deep to the core in ways I seldom see in people. She clung to religion to fill a void that the real world couldn't touch and appeared to find some relief here, although she still longed for something more real? Tangible? Sustainable?

I think about the person she was, about the pain she felt and I wish that I could go back in time and let her know that I understand. I feel guilty for not seeing the person that she was when she was alive. I always feel guilty... It is not a child's responsibility to fill that void in their parents' lives, yet I feel like I could have helped her, shown compassion and understanding.

I wonder what happened to end her first marriage. What ended things with Charles? What did they fight about? What were the irreconcilable differences that tore them apart? And why didn't my father stay in our lives?

I wonder what happened to her second marriage. I know that Joe was an alcoholic, although I do not know where I learned this information. Is this what ended their relationship, or was there more to it? Was he abusive to her? To his children? To Shawn? To me? Why did they get an annulment and not a divorce?

So many unanswered questions...

Silence

2009-10-19T15:57:00.000-05:00

An old couple sitting next to me in the doctor's office, reading the paper, talking about nothing:

---She: "Richard Gere is 60 Today"

He: Pretends to care, yet it is obvious to me that he does not. How could he? It is pointless...uninteresting.

She: My wedding ring is old. I need to have them look at it. I don't want anything to happen to it. What was his name? Yader? Yoder?

He: It's over there on Preston.

She: I know where it is

Silence...---
I do not want to be that couple. I do not want to grow old talking about nothing, meaning nothing but stability or friendship to the other person. I want so much more...

Boys Waiting to Swim

2009-09-17T18:37:00.000-05:00

Atrophy

2009-09-17T01:26:00.001-05:00

I feel like my mind is beginning to atrophy. Much of the time I feel as though I am merely floating through this life without feeling it, without experiencing it.

I have periodically pledged to be more in the moment, more focused on what I am doing right now, more dedicated to the important things, and almost immidiately find myself slipping back into the mindset of just getting through the day.

There is so much about life that isn't fun or exciting. Some of this shit - well we just have to do it - it has to get done. It isn't life changing or glamorous. And to be honest I don't want to fully live in those moments. I want to pass through them as quickly as possible.

I am never going to enjoy picking up dog crap in the yard, or making those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the boys after they have refused the dinner I spent an hour preparing (also not much fun). I don't like paying bills/reviewing the finances, or shopping for clothes, groceries, god-knows-what. I don't like those things now and I doubt I ever will.

So where does that leave me? I guess more grounded. It is ok to not love every waking moment of this life, because lets face it - sometimes lemons are just lemons and you don't feel like making god damned lemonade. But it also leaves me anxious for those important things in life - the deep conversations, the shared glances, the intimate evenings. I want more of THOSE times - and when in them, I want to realize it and savor it...

Journal Entries From My Mom 3-16-07 through 3-17-07

2009-09-15T00:57:00.001-05:00

3/16

Phoned Roger's secretary with names. Saw Chris and accepted job. Salary to follow. Sweet relief!

Phoned police department and appointment tomorrow with Sergent Wills. Judy phoned with support.

3/17

Happy St. Pats Day!

Goofed on lemon pie crust - space city.

Saw Sergent Wills - what an unexpected treat. Praise God he is the opposite of what I expected. Unfortunately he is retiring in 5 days! Mailed the request to Indiana Bell. Barb came and the supper was great.

Char phoned and is fine in Kanasas City.

Shawn is OK and so is Lisa.

Perhaps Bab is the friend I have been looking for.

Journal Entries From My Mom 3-13-87 through 3-15-87

2009-09-15T00:53:00.001-05:00

3/13

Talked with Annette. States her house was broken into 3/5. Nothing taken. Feels this is no coincidence and is related to Char. Very frightened. Unwilling to be home alone.

3/14

Class night. All went well with group!

3/15

Estelle came in early to say my job has been abolished - Lovettia (?) also. Talke with Pat and Kristin. Very supportive. All Lonnie wants is my company card.

Talked with Char, Shawn and Lisa in late pm. Gave me name and number of Tom Hennessey - the slanderer. Also 3 instructors Dr. Yarber (Death and Dying; Dr Weiskopf (Psych); Gary McLain.

I had phoned Roger earlier to find out how to handle tracer with police. Gary had not phoned. Roger agreed to contact IU concerning refund of tuition. I said Char had decided to withdrawal. I am to contact Rape Squad at the police department and phone him Sat with instructors names. Phillips flaky on phone.

Talked with Carol Bogol regarding 4E - Chris delighted and to see her tomorrow am.

Journal Entries From My Mom 3-12-87

2009-09-15T00:45:00.001-05:00

Phoned R.C. Char and Rich gone. Talked with Carol - slight edge to her voice - Stated Rich Sr. tried to use Roger's 800# and was unable to get through. When he got other number from Rich, had a business interruption and didn't talk with Roger concerning Rich Sr. conversation with Sergeant Webb.

Journal Entries From My Mom 3-10-87

2009-09-15T00:42:00.001-05:00

Case #

Off name

Mental health day - phoned Indiana Bell - got tap - doesn't work properly.

Quiet day - Praying - Phoned Freedom Line

---

Sorry for the Negligence!

---

Char called - Her English professor, Gary McLain, talked with her concerning a conversation Gary had with Tom Hennessey who is an AI - has something to do with Ashton - he has told Gary his opinion of Char is being unstable and not belonging at Indiana U - encouraging Gary to get rid of Char - Gary very indignant and supportive of Char - Gary agreed to phone Roger - Char very upset and talking about not returning to Bloomington. Happy about vacation.

Journal Entries From My Mom 3-9-87

2009-09-15T00:36:00.001-05:00

12:15 Char phoned – Rich is seeing her attitude as being bad. She is unable to concentrate and retain info for her psych exam. Talked with English professor and was told he had been informed by Deans office concerning whole situation. He had been instructed by Dean's office to encourage her to leave school. Stated she had been a good student and would give her earned grade – Very depressed.

5:15 Annette phoned to ask description. Man had been in last night and today who is "creepy" and "strange." He talked about buying shoes there 6 months ago and wanting another pair. Talked about being here from Bloomington – with a woman – dark, attractive, with woman – wedding band.

Gave her Roger's number. Gave her Geoff's number. He had offered to see her for free.

1P Saw Geoff – good ventilation

5:30 Talked with Roger, told about Annette and English professor. Gave me name of support group.

9 Char called – English professor had something so awful he heard from an Ashton manager concerning her. Wants to wait until her exam tomorrow to talk with her. She still unable to concentrate.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Dating Service

2009-09-15T00:26:00.001-05:00

Well, now the most interesting aspect of the dating service is the idea of starting a business of my own. I need to explore the services now available and determine if a more competitive approach is possible. Perhaps this would be a good subject for a research project. I like the idea of screening all the applicants, especially the men. I can have first choice on it ___ ___, how I want to own my own business. It will be exciting and stimulating to explore the possibilities and feasibility of marketing a professional service. Some real work will have to go into it.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:21:00.001-05:00

Dear Journal

Today I had a really interesting conversation with a co-worker, Barb. She jokingly mentioned at the end of one of our rare "real sharing times" that I should talk with one of the other employees, Sharon. "Sharon met a man and lost 35 pounds. She's a new woman." Wow, I thought, sounds good to me. So I met Sharon and we had a good old fashioned "girls talk." The rumor was that Sharon has a new outlook on life, weights "25" pounds less, and has a man friend who seems to meeting many of her needs. We talked, I again became aware of my fiercely ____ attitude. How many compromises would I make to _____ relationship? Not many. Would I be willing to make a time commitment to a man? How ____ am I in seeking a ____? I don't know.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:11:00.003-05:00

This is a day of conflict. My conviction is that Sunday is the Lord's day and He should be worshipped in church. For years, sick or well, rain or shine, my children never questioned on Saturday night or Sunday AM, "What are we going to do on Sunday?" We go to church. One of my reasons for giving up a job was to be able to go to church on Sunday. What did I do this AM? I curled up on the couch, listening to my favorite evangelists and slept until 11:30 AM. My conflict is quilt for staying home not in the morning but also thinking about a movie in the evening! The other part is the absolute joy and freedom I have felt all day long simply puttering around and doing things that never get attended during an average schedule. I need to spend more time in prayer to ____ the truth.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:11:00.002-05:00

Dear Journal

Today was a pleasing day at the office. There's such an undercurrent of unrest. The glittering eyes that don't meet mine, the mouths curving down at the corner. The tight faces and sharp words. The conversations that cease when I walk in the room. What a pleasant atmosphere. Office politics and intrigue! How I abhor them.

How grateful I am for a loving daughter. What a blessing. The joy of seeing her peacefully asleep. The wonder of her smile. The fire of her anger!

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:10:00.001-05:00

Surprise – I've had 2 wonderful low key days – able to think – able to respond and react. Not feeling so angry with a low stress (wall?)

I feel like a very different person when I am able to be more of the person I desire to be and take time with everyone. Just to be able to slow down and smile at a whiny impatient child is a joy.

How curious it is to have to interact with people who are completely opposite in personality and (perspective?) All this in the name of team playing. My perspective is game playing is a better description.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Journal:

Today is a day I am content to be me. What is contentment really about? "The joy of the lord is my strength." Perhaps I have that Joy – or more than yesterday. Just to be who I am – how wonderful. This is the essence of today – Just to be.

Anger, frustration, tension were all present in my day. Sometimes nothing but contradictions – how can the mind reconcile all the dichotomies?

Journal Entries From My Mom - Unknown Date

2009-09-15T00:09:00.002-05:00

I'm so grateful that with God all things are possible. How else is there any hope for tomorrow? Of my own self I am nothing. My own control over my world is but a sigh, a puff of air.

What does all the struggle mean? Why do I eat when I'm not hungry?

Journal Entries From My Mom - Weirdo

2009-09-15T00:08:00.003-05:00

His face is painted like a clown. He carries a doll with a wand on it. His voice sounds like a 6 year old belying his near adult stature. His clothes – black tuxedo – look odd in contrast to the bland garb of the crowd. His silver shoes with 2 inch platforms do cause unmasked stares. He approaches a group of vacationers sitting in the park listening to the rock group. The conversation he initiates is so bazaar and inappropriate. Certainly he hears the conversation and comments. As he wanders through the groups of families and friends relaxing in the grass, "Boy, who is that weirdo?" seems to typify the reactions.

Who indeed is this young person – male or female is not really established. Where is he/she from? Where or what was the family like that produced him/her? Did he/she dance and play on the beach like the children here today? Is this person here enjoying the performances he /she is presenting or is this his/her reality? Who knows and sadder yet, does anyone care?

Journal Entries From My Mom - Saugatuck

2009-09-15T00:08:00.002-05:00

We go to Saugatuck at least once a summer season and have been for at least the last 10 years. Our first trip to Oval Beach and then shopping and eating in the village was a highlight in our family memorabilia. The beach house reminded me of something from the late 40s with its cinder-block construction and post WW II plumbing. A few spiders in the john – so what. That added to the mystique. The sand in the hamburgers made them the "best we'd ever eaten." A hamburger at the beach becomes a "family custom." This was an extravagance as in those days we packed our picnics as money was very tight. Admission to the beach was free, and that also helped the budget. We had a large pizza in a mom and pop Italian restaurant and that too has become a family custom. One of the charms for all of us for Saugatuck is the absence of fast food chains and shopping mall franchises. What a delight and surprise each year as we go back to see which of the favorite shops is still open. We grieve over the disappointment of a shop that is closed or replaced.

The atmosphere has always been from a by-gone generation. Value is given to hand crafted items and foods "made from scratch." What a gem of Americana. May it thrive and flourish as a contrast to Westfield Mall.

Loss of Memory

2009-09-14T03:31:00.001-05:00

Outside the night is still. The streets are vacant as the city sleeps.

I lie awake, as I do most nights. I recall the past day, my sucesses and my failures. I remember the funny things Cole said, marvel at how energetic Roark was at 8:30pm, and mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I am glad nobody else is awake - that I am able to escape the constant demands that seem to never cease during the day.

It is also at night that I try to remember everything I have forgotten. I have for as long as I remember played this little game with myself at night when I am unable to sleep. I close my eyes and try to capture new memories, things I have not thought about for years. I start with a very early, solid memory and try to extend it, try to follow it further ahead or back a few hours, days, years.

Somewhere between the ages of birth and 5, I am able to remember so many more things than I would think possible.

I remember two neighbors from the 'Big House' trying to fly a giant red kite in the church parking lot.

I remember sitting on top of the swing-set belting out "sitting at the top of the world."

I remember watching a scary movie with a hand that crawled around by itself, with my mom and brother.

I remember my parents finding some baby squirrels (or was it rabbits?) outside and bringing them inside to try to save them - they lived in a shoebox for a while (a day? a week?) and then died.

I remember being in sunday school, playing the piano - having a stiff neck so bad that I couldn't move my head at all in either direction.

I remember a little boy (a friend of mine) missing - the whole neighborhood searching for him. We found him hours later, asleep in my dresser drawer where I kept my dolls.

I remember the boy who lived across the street getting in trouble for trying to convince me to play in the rain naked.

I remember the first Christmas after my father left us - when he still felt obligated to send presents. I woke to a living room full of surprises - a cardboard refridgerator and sink, pretend food, play dishes. I also discovered real oranges in my stocking. This made me very happy.

I remember visiting my father's family in Cincinnati and my uncle giving me a stuffed pink weasel for Christmas. For some reason I had always thought my dad gave it to me, but now I actually remember who did (See? The memory game works). I named him Wesley the Weasel. He is in the boys' toybox as I write this.

I remember walking to Kindergarten by myself.

I remember the neighbor girls scraping up their arms with rose thorns and claiming my brother did it. I also remember their mother coming over to our house trying to fight with my mom about the incident. I got locked outside with the crazy neighbor...where I cried and cried on the front porch until my mom let me in. I am still not sure if she let me in before, or after the police showed up. Oh, and crazy-neighbor-lady put her arm through the glass storm door trying to get at my mom.

I remember not wanting to ride in the baby seat on the back of Little Tom's dad's bike to the park - wanting to ride my own bike with training wheels. I also remember getting sent to my room for crying about it - forced to take a nap instead.

I remember being woken up and taken down into the basement during a tornado. We slept there all night.

I remember not picking my toys up after my mom had screamed "for the umpteenth time, put your toys away or I will give them to children who will appreciate them" and watching her stuff evrything in trash bags and take it all out to the garage to be thrown out. I also remember her giving in and letting us keep pretty much all of it.

I remember laying in my crib and throwing my pacifiers out repeatedly so that my papa would come into my room and give them back. He would crawl in, staying out of mi sight, pop his head up so I could see him and then give them back. I would laugh and laugh and we would repeat this until I fell asleep. This may be my earliest memory.

I remember my parents yelling and fighting and my mother slamming the oven door shut - and my father slamming the back door after leaving.

I remember Mrs. Monhock - an evil older lady who would babysit us. I really didn't like her much at all. She washed my mouth out with soap for saying "shut up!"

I remember a little girl stapling her finger in kindergarten and having to go home. I also remember that she missed the oragami lady that came later and tried to show us how to make a swan. We were 5, so there were very few of us who made anything resembling anything other than crumpled paper.

I remember finding candy and makeup in the alley on the way to school (or was it the way home?) and my brother and I hiding it so nobody would know. I also remember eating the candy...we were lucky we didn't kill ourselves!

I remember hiding in a wicker basket at Little Tom's house and them looking all over for me. His dad told me I was lucky there were no snakes in there that day - because they usually kept cobras in there. It was a lie of course, but I didn't know that. I never did that again.

I remember an older kid (as instructed by his mother - who was RIGHT THERE) standing in the middle of his living room facing me, pushing me repeatedly and telling me that I was not invited to his birthday party. I cried and cried - and then hid in a bunch of pillows they had on their futon type matress on the floor in their living room. I also remember this same idiot mother carrying her younger son on her shoulders (the kid that was found in my dresser). He fell off her shoulders and whacked his head on cement. I kind of felt like she deserved to have that happen to her. I felt bad for her son though.

I remember before I had even started kindergarten, I would go to a baysitter's house during the day. The sitter, Mrs Pepper, had a daughter (Wendy?) my age. The highlights of my days in that dark, depressing house were watching the mailman come, and jumping on her mom's bed at naptime. This bed-jumping got me in quite a bit of trouble one time. Some guy (older son? husband? random man?) locked me in the basement, turned off the lights and told me the boogyman was going to get me. I have no idea how long I was down there. I sat on the steps by the door and cried. When they let me out, they made me take a nap in a baby crib because they said I was "being a big baby."

I remember traveling halfway across the country to some farm so that my mom could see the Guru Maharashi. We slept in a barn. My mother fell out of the hay loft one night and broke her arm. I think that is when we went home.

I remember my brother and I stealing rubarb out of the neighbor's garden. We would climb onto our garage roof, sit behind the basketball goal and eat it.

I remember our kitchen being a construction disaster most of the time. I think my dad was either adding on to the house of remodeling the back half. I am not entirely sure he ever finished it. I also remember the bed he built in my room - and how much I loved that it looked like a princess bed - framing the window.

I remember white gloves, a pretty hat, and a new dress and gray coat on Easter Sunday. I felt so perfect.

I remember my brother's prized Tony The Tiger stuffed animal and how he lost it when he ran away from home and hid in the window well at Sunnyside Church.

I remember my brother pretending he was sick so that he could stay up and watch TV when we had babysitters. He would put hot towels on his head and wrap the thermometer in them as well so that they would think he had a fever.

I remember goofing around in my brother's room, ignoring my mother's demands to "go to bed right now" and laughing so hard that I wet his bed - sprinkler style - straight up in the air... This still makes laugh to myself thinking about it now.

I remember eating space sticks. Lots of them. But I don't have any idea what they were made of.

I remember sitting by the heating vent in my room (where my crib had once been) playing with my tea set.

I rememebr my mom's sewing room in the back of her bedroom. And her closet that connected over the stairs to Shawn's closet. I also remember being assaulted by the numerous long-legs spiders that lived in there.

I remember being late for church on Sunday, hiding behind the cardboard refridgerator in my room. I didn't want to go past my closet door because I was convinced there were monsters in there waiting to get me. So I waited there, yelling for my brother to help me until my mother lost her everloving mind and threatened to leave at home alone. My brother finally rescued me.

I remember Uncle Tom bringing us inner tubes for the lake and a giant tractor tire that he made into a sandbox. He wass also our supplier of STP stckers and NFL football pencils (I liked the Steelers and th Dolphins because of the colors)

I remember my brother dropping a crowbar on my foot.

I remember all of the men my mother dated; the science teacher who had a farm, my ski coach, the man in th A frame house who always gave me a new book everytime I saw him, the real estate friend who's daughter was in my class. I was always so quickly attached to them and so sad when I didn't see them again.

I remember all of these things from such an early age. My mother always said that I had the most amazing memory. And yet there is this gap of two years when my mother was remarried. I remember nothing.

Outside the night is still. The streets are vacant as the city sleeps. And I lay here playing the memory game, trying to reveal the hidden one or two years of my life, yet hoping I never do.

Journal Entries From My Mom - Memories of a Mom

2009-09-13T22:34:00.001-05:00

"Do you remember when I got so mad at you I ran away from home?" "No," I responded, "tell me more about it." "Well, when we were living in the 'Big House' and you would not let me have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, I got so mad I decided to run away from home. I remember packing my suitcase. I think you helped me. I also made a stack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to take with us. 'Little Tom' came with me."

"Where did you go," I asked.

"Well, that was the problem" my 19 year old daughter laughed. "I was so upset because you might find out I didn't have anywhere to really go. We just walked around the block 4 or 5 times."

"I'm so glad you decided to come home" I confided. Remember when you and Shawn hid in the fireplace and got ashes all over yourselves and the living room?" I started reminiscing.

Who can ever foresee the pains of parenting? Who can ever weigh the value of those cherished memories? Oh to be able to live in the present with the ability to cherish the perfect present while we reminisce the perfect past.

Journal Entries From My Mom 5-20-87

2009-09-13T17:35:00.001-05:00

Where does time fly? It evaporates like an ice chip in the blazing sun - or like an over-ripe dandelion head in the wake of a storm. Time escapes like a thief - stealing our dreams and phantasies. All those tomorrows - those wonderful golden times we believe are stored up "somewhere" just waiting for us to claim them. Only who has the password, the key, the claim check for this treasure. Did I misplace mine? Did I ever receive it? Where are the rainbows I have been saving for. How do I redeem my lifelong dreams? Where is the husband of my childhood fantasy. Is that green shuttered, rose covered cottage redeemed by a coupon or dream stamps? I suddenly see time compressed with an end in sight. Energy wanes as my ____ of dreams seems to be ____ endlessly out of sight on the horizon. Please stop ....

Journal Entries From My Mom 5-15-87

2009-09-13T17:14:00.001-05:00

A friend - what is she, who is he/she. Is there some one to share my joys with, my tears? is there anyone who cares what I think or how I feel. Can I just be me with no masks, no walls, no guards? Is this a dream, a fantasy. I've searched. I've tried. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Perhaps I am out of step with the world. when I tried this approach, I received lukewarm politeness. Be honest about how you feel. I have discovered I was rapidly abandoned with this behavior form. Accept people as they are. I listen to what people profess and proclaim. I see how they respond and behave. What a dichotomy. Who is the hypocrite? Them or me. Am I as I perceive myself to be? Let me be my own best friend. Let me see the world through Jesus' eyes. Then truth will be mine.

Journal Entries From My Mom 5-13-87

2009-09-13T17:09:00.001-05:00

Here I am again - exhausted with no energy. Is there really a meaning to all of this activity? What is quality of life?

The dog wants attention. All she focuses on is her desire to be petted. Nothing distracts her as she tries a vanity of approaches. When rebuffed by being put on the the floor, she continues to make half-hearted attempts for love. Her wants are so simple. Oh, that I could identify and focus on a need with such persistence. No distraction for her. How hard to hold back a pat - unless you are energy-drained.

Journal Entries From My Mom 5-12-87

2009-09-13T17:05:00.001-05:00

5-12-87

Today is over. Who knows what tomorrow holds. The exhaustion, the stress, the frustration of unfulfilled expectations and plans. Who knows! What is real - What is imagination. You see the looks and hear the words - The eyes belie the words - the words do not echo the facial expressions - does the smile mean pleasure as in agreement or does it indicate amusement at a mistake. Does the joviality mean friendship or a hidden knife for the back. Ah, the 2 faces so many people wear. Ah, the joys of a bureaucracy.

The dog barks incessantly. She likes to wind her chain around the rosebush until she cannot move. She keeps going around in her hopes for freedom. Each revolution constrains her more in her search for freedom. In her quest for independence, she restrains herself more. The enigmas of life.

Roark wearing a "safe helmet"

2009-09-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

Soccer Recap

2009-09-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

Todd: So Kids, how many goals did you all score?

Kid 1: I had a hundred!

Kid 2: I had a million!

Kid 3: I had a hundred million!!

Todd: We'll work on counting later...

Brittany

2009-09-06T14:00:00.001-05:00

Bribery photo taken last night. Justin watching over Britt when she is sort of waking up. Was a long night.

Verdict is sketchy. Definitely severe dehydration. Possibly heat stroke because of the seizure activity. Maybe dealing with blood clots - or just recovery from everything. The waiting and not knowing kind of sucks.

Whirlwind

2009-08-23T19:03:00.002-05:00

It has been a whirlwind few weeks. Work is at a critical stage (When isn't it? Huh? TELL ME!) and has been consuming a lot my time. The boys head to preschool tomorrow and Britt starts senior year.

Cassie goes back to Michigan State next week. Let's look deeper into that one, shall we? Last year - worried about her safety. Planned for weeks. Bought half of Texas to accompany her to school. Drove her there (20 hours each way) and cried all the way home. This year - not worried. Not even driving her. She is mailing her stuff to herself and we are putting her on a plane. End of story. Where is the love, right?

I have a new job - which I have been bragging about for a few days. I am anxious and excited, and cannot wait to finish things up here and move on. I will let the terror set in later.

Why Can't You - Third Eye Blind

2009-08-16T20:49:00.001-05:00

Are you frightened by the weight you possess or-
Is this life just weightlessness?
Smoggy twilight in LA,
I can't think of one real thing to say.
And Robbie Williams is walking in the canyons,
Forgets that we were friends.
I guess it all depends on your mood.
Why can't these meds be any damn good?

And she said-
Why can't you be
Like my waterpik shower massager?
A sweet reliable machine.
And to tell the truth I don't feel less alone,
A water massager's the purest love I've ever known.
Why can't you be like when i was thirteen?

Why can't you be like a art house foreign movie,
Frank and sexy, red balloons, and ennui? And a loof to me and,
Why can't you be a little more of a mystery?
Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.

Why can't you be like an outsourced government contract?
I'm a fat cat getting away with anything.
Kicking some secret special powers,
Illumination rounds in showers.
Cause you're tearing your hair out.
Well we can have better flowers.

Why can't you be like the chicks out on the road?
Some girls are happy just to see me.
Cause you've got moxie and a broken nose.
Take them away from this prose.
Sometimes a blowjobs not enough.
Why cant you play-a little less rough?

Why can't you be the part of me that's missing?
Instead of leaving me for some other,
Said we're perfect for each other,
And I know we won't go spend our lives alone.

Can we, just leave it be?
And we can live, our lives, separately?
Could you forget-what happens to you-you and me?
When we're dead-and we'll be dead-we'll have eternity.
And I will spend it all- missing you-seeing you with me.
So all of a life.
I will always be.

Why can't you be thinking a little deeper into me?
Like JD Salinger.
Why do i challenge her,
In all these surface ways that you displease?
Why can't you be a little more at ease?

Why can't you be like a hand rolled cigarette? I'm not joking-
This masochistic self pity of smoking and this silly ditty...
I keep provoking you to leave me...

And she said-
Why can't you be,
Like a candle I can snuff?
You're still a diamond in the rough-
And I swear to God-
I've had enough.

How can I,
Call your bluff?

Shred 1, Me 0

2009-08-14T19:00:00.001-05:00

I attempted the shred tonight. It has been about a month since I have bitched at Jillian, and I have to say that I hate her as much as I ever had.

In other news, I am re-gaining interest in writing that history book. And in finding a new career. I am getting anxious for a new challenge and am obscenely jealous of people who love their jobs. Don't laugh, but I would really like a career in advertising. A frind of mine and I were talking and even came up with a name...maybe someday.

For now, I am thinking smaller company, more meaningful job...

Because he likes it when I freak out...

2009-08-14T18:55:00.001-05:00

Over-reacting

2009-08-14T12:09:00.000-05:00

I have been recovering from knee surgery well. I am working out a bit, swimming, riding the stationary bike, doing PT exercises. I plan to try The Shred tonight (any haters can keep it to themselves – JAYSON). And yet, I am feeling VERY OUT OF SHAPE. I really miss running. I miss walking long distances. I miss how active I usually am. I hope I can do all of those things again…if not? I will DIE. Or just be a little sad…

Today I learned a few things...

2009-08-03T20:43:00.000-05:00

* There is such a thing as too many bubbles in the bath
* You can't fix stupid
* Sometimes things really are too effed up to fix them
* Someone will ALWAYS miss the big deadline
* There are very few good listeners in the world
* Urgency is apparently in the eye of the beholder
* Bad television is hard to make fun of alone
* Riding the bike? Hurts like a mofo. My Physical therapist can bite me.
* Even if it is not your job, you might as well do it - because in the end? You will end up doing it anyway.
* There are always going to be people who don't agree with you. Sure, it is personal, but it doesn''t really matter.
* When you do your best, the end result may still suck donkey balls - but at least YOU DID YOU BEST

The sunlight coming into the room and hitting the edge of the mirror

2009-07-30T05:53:00.001-05:00

Cole trying to help

2009-07-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

This was taken about 15 seconds before he whacked my knee, and then I died. I am now dead. True story.

Roark would like you to see...

2009-07-09T17:19:00.000-05:00

His telescope

In the 100s

2009-07-09T17:16:00.001-05:00

Nobody is at the park except Roark and I. Too hot I guess. Hollo Texas heat!!

Walking to the park

2009-07-09T17:15:00.001-05:00

The Bees Knees

2009-06-30T10:42:00.002-05:00

When I was younger (a LOT younger), I did some figure skating. I fell. A lot. My skating days ended when my knees starting acting up, which I attribute to all of the falling. Skating is hard you know. I ended up having both knees scoped in high school, cartilage shaved and debris removed.

During my second marathon, my left knee started hurting - enough to slow us down quite a bit starting around mile 21 or 22. I finished, and continued to run. I have not gotten very high in mileage since then, not beyond a 1/2 marathon. This was mostly due to getting sick in 07, not because of the knee.

Over the past year or so I have had trouble with the knee locking up and hurting under the kneecap. This affects running, but it also affects simply things like walking, stairs, giving the boys a bath, sitting for long periods of time. I am sure when I screwed my quad playing soccer that the increased stress on the left leg didn't help...but I think it is simply over-use and poor alignment of the knee.

We have tried steroid shots, steroid patches, physical therapy, rest, ice, heat, elevation, voodoo magic and have come up empty. I am now scheduled for surgery - lateral release and hoffa pad removal - next week. I am a little skeptical at this point - wondering if this is the right thing to do. My doctor put it pretty simply - if I don't have the surgery, it will get worse. If I get the surgery, it might get better. This surgery is really the only option at this point. Dilemma.

Walking Stick

2009-06-28T20:06:00.003-05:00

Our dinner entertainment at The Oasis tonight.

More Conversations from the Road

2009-06-28T20:06:00.002-05:00

As we passed a place called Chainsaw Sculptures:

Todd: I want a sculpture

Me: They are opened. You could stop and order one. So do they chop up people or what?

Todd: Ummm...

Me: Exactly HOW WOULD that conversation go?

Todd: I want a sculpture. Use one arm, two legs and half a head. Obviously you are the artsist - so I will leave the rest up to you.

Conversations

2009-06-28T20:06:00.001-05:00

Todd (to the driver ahead of us): Hey! There is NO stop sign. WHY are you stopping? 'Baby on board...IS THE BABY DRIVING?

Me: I'm salty.
Todd: My very own salt lick.
Me: What are you, a horse?
Todd: I'm hung like one.

Scab Face

2009-06-25T18:46:00.000-05:00

My Scab-Face

2009-06-25T16:28:00.001-05:00

I had a facial peel and microdermabrasion performed (like it is a circus act?) on my face yesterday. I have been seeing a dermatologist for a skin infection that left some dark spots and scarring on my face and I wanted them to go the hell away. So - this was the recommended solution. This morning I woke up to small scabs all over my face. It is really not very pretty. It is, in fact, the exact OPPOSITE of the outcome I had been seeking. I go back in this evening at 7:00pm to have them assess the damage.

Wouldn't you know that this weekend Todd and I are going out of town to celebrate our anniversary. Of course we are! Scabby face and all. Cannot wait.

The Beach

2009-06-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

We were looking at random pictures on Flickr. We came across a kid on a beach.

Roark: I wanna go there sometime. So lets go there sometime. I don’t know who built that beach. I think it was the American workers. The American workers are black workers. They wear black coats (oh thank GOD that is what he was referring to) and they live in Africa (huh???). I saw them on Garbage Monsters (a DVD they got for their birthday that I am so sick of I could puke).

I have no idea where kids get some of their ideas...but they make me itch.

106 Heat Index

2009-06-23T16:17:00.001-05:00

Earlier today:

I finished up my meetings and read through my most pressing emails. I appeared to have some free time and decided to go for a run. I wasn’t really in the mood, but figured if I ran I would feel less guilty about the nachos I was making for dinner.

As I walked out the door, Brittany was just pulling up with the boys. They had been swimming and looked EXHAUSTED and hot. Also, HALF DEAD. I should have taken this as a sign of things to come, but I am way too stupid for that… so off I went.

I took the Big Park route, and headed out of the neighborhood. About ½ mile out I came to the conclusion that what I was doing was attempted suicide and wondered if my insurance would cover me if I died. I decided they would not, but kept running anyway. 1 mile out, I started looking for short cuts…and took one through the park. This was a mistake. I headed to a water fountain near the soccer fields and was assaulted with the smell of vomit. Or trash. I couldn’t tell which.

After filling up my water bottle with Plano’s finest pond water* I continued running, only to begin puking less than a minute later. It occurred to me that the vomit smell may have been from earlier runners too stupid to stay inside.

As I past the playground I noticed that there was NOBODY PLAYING OUTSIDE. This is unusual. There is always at least one parent trying to ignore their kids at the park even on the hottest of days…but not today. Of course not. IT WAS TOO HOT.

I was now at the point of no return. There were no shortcuts and it was as far back as it was forward…so I kept going. At one point some clouds showed up, and I firmly believe that is the only reason I survived. After crossing the street back into the neighborhood, I decided to stop at the pool and get more pond water to dump on my head – only to find a “Pool closed due to fecal contamination” sign on the gate. Commence gagging AGAIN.

The last few blocks were the worst. I nodded to my fellow dying worms on the sidewalk “dude, I know how you feel” and to the bunnies trying to nap in the shade.

This is a very drawn out way of saying that it is really effing hot outside and I wish I had not gone running. The end.

Pole Dancing

2009-06-23T14:23:00.003-05:00

Last week I went to a pole dancing class. And? I loved it. I really did. The down side was the horrible pain my arms and back were in for the following 3 DAYS! Who knew those strippers were in such great shape? Not me. So now I am contemplating taking more of the classes. There is the upside of confidence, physical fitness, spending time with other girls, and just plain old fun. Todd would certainly be a big supporter of it as well. The biggest down side would be the cost. The classes run around 200.00 for 6-8 sessions...which is a lot in my opinion. What to do, what to do?