I have captured all of the entries that were in my mother's notebook. I wish that there was more...I am left feeling like I only began to see a glimpse of the real Nancy. She was such a lonely person, searching for a true friend. She didn't focus on money or things, but kept her sights on love and understanding. She seemed to be such a good person way deep to the core in ways I seldom see in people. She clung to religion to fill a void that the real world couldn't touch and appeared to find some relief here, although she still longed for something more real? Tangible? Sustainable?
I think about the person she was, about the pain she felt and I wish that I could go back in time and let her know that I understand. I feel guilty for not seeing the person that she was when she was alive. I always feel guilty... It is not a child's responsibility to fill that void in their parents' lives, yet I feel like I could have helped her, shown compassion and understanding.
I wonder what happened to end her first marriage. What ended things with Charles? What did they fight about? What were the irreconcilable differences that tore them apart? And why didn't my father stay in our lives?
I wonder what happened to her second marriage. I know that Joe was an alcoholic, although I do not know where I learned this information. Is this what ended their relationship, or was there more to it? Was he abusive to her? To his children? To Shawn? To me? Why did they get an annulment and not a divorce?
So many unanswered questions...
An old couple sitting next to me in the doctor's office, reading the paper, talking about nothing:
---She: "Richard Gere is 60 Today"
He: Pretends to care, yet it is obvious to me that he does not. How could he? It is pointless...uninteresting.
She: My wedding ring is old. I need to have them look at it. I don't want anything to happen to it. What was his name? Yader? Yoder?
He: It's over there on Preston.
She: I know where it is
I do not want to be that couple. I do not want to grow old talking about nothing, meaning nothing but stability or friendship to the other person. I want so much more...