So much work – so little time.
Hate work. Hate it.
Want to play all day – not work.
...could really use a nap too.
So much work – so little time.
Months ago I was in the hospital, after my c-section, I aquired Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus - otherwise known as MRSA. MRSA is a type of staph infection that makes my body resistant to many antibiotics should I become sick. Guess what? I am sick. Last week I woke up with a wicked sore throat. It felt like someone had scraped all of the skin out of the left side, leaving it raw and sore. A few days later my left ear started hurting. Since then my ears and throat have been behaving very badly. I have leaky, nasty ears and a sore, sore, sore throat. Feel sorry for me.
I went to the doctor yesterday to get antibiotics to cure this crud that I am carrying, and because of the MRSA I was given Bactrim – the only antibiotic they can give me, which may not work. My other options? IV antibiotics. No thank you – very much. Here is to hoping this Bactrim works!
Roark and Cole had the BEST NIGHT EVER. They actually slept...oh thank GOD. We fed them at 9:00pm and then put them to bed. They then slept until 2:30am, ate again and slept until 6:30am. It was such a wonderful night. I was up at 5am checking on them – wondering why they were not screaming or grunting to get up…freaked me out to be honest. Then – this morning they were such good moods. It was fantastic. I didn’t have to struggle to change Roark. There was no hysterical screaming while we got the bottles ready. They simply hung out and stared at the animals hanging from their mobile. Amazing.
The boys are still not smiling…when will they start doing tricks? I am so very anxious for the first real smiles. Every day I try to get them to respond, and all they do is stare at me like: What the fuck you lookin’ at? I seriously think they already swear in their heads…they have to – I am their mother.
Did you ever think about what you would be “when you grow up” if you could do it again, pick again – now? I know when I was little I wanted so badly to be a doctor. However high school chemistry taught me a lesson or two and I decided that I would seek other career options. Somehow along the way I ended up being a business executive of sorts. I have not really had schooling to put me here – and I am not entirely sure I like it…but it is where I ended up through what felt like a natural progression over the years.
If money didn’t matter (yeah) and I could choose again – I might consider:
Detective / FBI – my daughter has been looking into this and WOW does it sound exciting…the CIA too.
Foreign Relations Person – work in an embassy in Russia or Japan
Travel writer – I would love to travel. And – well, write I suppose. But mostly travel.
Hot Air Ballooner – Is ballooner even a word? Wouldn’t that be fun? Heh – never been myself, but it sounds fun.
Tour Guide – not sure where, but somewhere / someplace fun.
I was quite disappointed to learn that Baby Sign Language is used around 2 years old and up. Do people know that babies can actually talk at this age? Why use the sign language when actual speech is an option? Am I missing something here? I am running through the scenerios in my mind and I just don’t get it. Either spend the day teaching the kid to talk or spend it teaching him to make shadow puppets on the wall…hmmm, whatever shall I do? Baffles me really.
Ever since the little restaurant incident last weekend, we have sworn off of taking them anywhere – ever again. Boy are they going to be disappointed when they get older and are not allowed to leave the house. Not ever. Not with me anyway.
Think Child Protection Services will object?
The boys are still not doing any tricks. They do lay around looking cute and all, however there isn’t much else to it. Every time I think they are smiling, it turns out they are not…gas, spitting up, or sleep immediately follows. I am anxious for some acknowledgement that they know who I am and that they don’t hate me. When will this EVER happen? Because they are premature –they are over three months old, but really they are developmentally 3 weeks old and basically do nothing but eat, sleep, and poop.
The excitement, it is lacking. Seriously.
I am working from home today.
Traditionally Working from Home meant that I was actually playing and no real work was going to get accomplished. It was FUN. Today – and every day from here on out in this new job of mine – I am working harder than I would have if I had hauled my ass into the office. What was I thinking? Where has the fun gone? Stupid work.
I am back to work. Full time. And oh my GAWD I am tired.
I have started a new job and am overwhelmed with the “I don’t know what the fuck I am doing” feeling we all get when we are new at something. I am also trying to balance the onslaught of emotion that comes with leaving my babies at home without me all day. This – is a recipe for emotions to fly.
It is hard for me to leave the boys with someone all day long – that same person who is there all evening and weekends too. They see their grandmother ALL. THE. TIME. They see me sometimes. How on earth are they ever going to love me more than her???? And – does that even matter? I struggle with this. A lot. I am a dork.
The boys don’t sleep all night – they wake up every 3 hours or so, which I like now that I don’t see them all day. What will I do when the DO sleep all night? I will NEVER see them. Feel sorry for me.
I love Sushi. I had it for lunch today with an old colleague and YUM! The tuna was amazing…and it wasn’t even Toro. The Yellowtail was ok. The Texas Tornado role (salmon, cream cheese, jalapeno, rice and “special sauce”) wasn’t spicy enough, but good. I just never get full when I eat that stuff.
Dinner tonight is going to be nothing – just like last night. By the time I got around to thinking about it, I didn’t have the energy to eat…so I didn’t.
My husband is gone until late tonight, so I am on my own with the boys…yeah! And also – ohdeargod where will I find the energy?
I am not too busy to write. I am not starved for content. I am simply lazy. It is that simple.
Soho Parent Protectors (Whiz Kid) – you have rescued me from many pee incidents.
Milacon – what a wonderful toot-reducer you have been, allowing for many tummy-ache-free afternoons. I love you so.
Bibs – you have saved many many clothes changing fiascos into simple bib-removal occasions and for that, I thank you. Without you, oh wonderful bib, my life would be full of babies with wet collars and little sleep (due to me jostling them awake after eating and falling peacefully asleep only to change them, causing spitting up on the newly applied garment anyway)
Carseat – for you go in the car. The place where screaming-until-mommy-wants-to-throw-it-out-the-window baby sits while falling asleep at 1:00am in the moving car. And thank god for that. Drop to your knees and thank God right now – because the car seat thingy that goes in the car has saved my sanity.
Baby Einstein Activity Gym (Tummy Time Mat) – you bring me such amusement watching my babies flail about on you. A+ for the entertainment factor.
Little Noses Saline Spray – without you my boys would be bugger-monsters without the ability to breathe. And although they appear to hate you, don’t let it rub you the wrong way…you are oh so good for them. Plus you keep me from being the mommy that picks her babies’ noses. Ewww I hate those kinds of mommies.
Huggies and Luvs - All disposable diapers are NOT the same. You guys suck. Luvs suck because they have no elastic around the waist and pinch when you sit baby up to burp. Ditto for Huggies. And why are all diaper brands not the same freaking size? It is like shoe shopping for adults…
Playtex Vent Air Bottles – Oh Playtex, could you have invented a bottle with any more pieces? And – why did you create a bottle that cannot be used in a bottle warmer? Playtex people have never tried to keep an infant quiet for 15 minutes while dinner warms in a bowl of hot water!
Wind-up crib mobiles –Each and every one of you should be ashamed. Even the cute ones. Hello carpel tunnel syndrome…and if I have to hear that goddamned Twinkle Twinkle Little Star one more time, I will be brought up on murder charges.
Nutramagen formula – oh dear god, what on earth are you made of – cow manure? You. Smell. Like. Shit. No kidding… and why are you freaking expensive. Cow manure is cheap – just check with Home Depot. About a buck a bag. Seriously.
Tylenol – why do you promise possibilities of causing sleepiness when all you appear to do is rev up our little ones? Tease.
“I have never seen you this happy”
“She was that happy when you were a baby…but now you are older”
(conversation between the girls yesterday)
This has been a bit of a horrible weekend.
Roark has decided that screaming bloody freaking murder at the drop of a hat is fun. He gets so worked up that he yells and cries and almost hyperventilates and no amount of soothing, holding, feeding, talking, leaving-alone will help him.
Last night was the kicker – I seriously wanted to throw him out the window. He just cried and cried and cried and would not stop. It is sad when he is like this – but there is nothing I can do. I finally just put him down and let him cry himself senseless while I fed his brother. He eventually passed out – thank GOD. He of course woke up several more times doing this. He was dry, fed, and not visibly injured. I tried holding him, rocking him, putting him in his swing, walking around with him, playing music, turning lights on, then off, TV, no TV, singing (that would make anyone cry) …so crying seemed my only option. And cry he did…the little fucker.
So we now have Reflux Baby and Screams His Bloody Head Off Baby. Nice. Somebody freaking save me.
What’s on my mind today:
Jogging, fatness, triple chocolate power bars, babies, spit-up on my shirt that I am not changing even though I can’t stand the smell, no shower in two days, bed-head, shampooing my carpet, what is for dinner? , margaritas, wine, do I drink too much? , laundry, weeding, fingernails need to be painted, why is that baby not sleeping? , and on and on and on.
My mind NEVER stops. Ever. Right now I should be showering, but I plan to go jogging at noon, so is it even worth it? I need to change these stinky clothes, but I am only going to put on stinkier jogging clothes, so why bother?
I have planned to shampoo the piano-room carpet for a week and have not even tried to get it done – lazy, lazy me.
I am trying to get caught up on email so when I go back to work I am not so far behind – but have not been all that motivated on that front either. I spend a lot of time reading online stuff and lose interest in the computer altogether.
I have managed to cook dinner a few times, and I keep up with the dishes. All of this is pretty easy given that my mother-in-law is doing a lot of the house work. Good thing too – or it wouldn’t get done. Luckily we had our house deep cleaned a few weeks ago (took 6 people 10 hours to complete it) and had the windows washed. This is helping me stay ahead of the dirt a bit…but at a huge cost. We won’t be getting that done more than once a year – it ended up being around $500.00 dollars with the windows…dear god, what an insane amount of money for cleaning I should be doing.
I am sitting in our library and I can hear the babies making cute baby noises, and I am having the hardest time trying to work and not go play with them. How am I ever going to adjust?
So the goals for today are:
Take a freaking shower for god’s sake
Avoid junk food (so hard to resist the chocolate)
Sit-ups and push-ups
Work at least 2 hours – a mountain of documents that need reading awaits me
Wonder if I will manage even half of that or if the above will all be on tomorrow’s list…
I am at the store earlier today when someone points out the spots on my left and right shoulders. I look down and realize that I am covered in spit-up and boogers. Nice. I have become THAT lady now – the one who doesn’t shave or brush her hair or change out of spit-up-on clothing before leaving the house. Good thing I am not breast feeding anymore or I may have turned into the grab-your-boob-and stick-the-kid-on-it-in-public mom too.
I really have turned into quite the lazy mother…that or I am now the “I only do it if it really matters” mom. There really isn’t time for much fluff in my life with two babies – even with help from my husband and mother-in-law. These two little guys seem to consume much of my day leaving me with little time for anything but eating and sleeping – which when I think about it, is fine with me.
I took the boys to work yesterday to see everyone and it was the strangest experience. I don’t know if you have been in a similar situation or not – but I venture to think that you may have. It was nice to see the few people that were available, but overall – I felt like I didn’t belong. It was odd. People were busy doing their work and other things and it was as if they were in some secret club that I am not a member of. It made me want to go back to work in a way, and never go back again all at the same time.
Today I started reading email and getting caught up for the first time since April. Wow a lot has happened at work since I left, and yet it feels like I have not been gone long at all. People at work say that it feels like I have been gone forever – to me it only feels like a few weeks. I wonder how it will feel when I really am back to work in 2 ½ weeks…