I was jogging last night at the local dog park with my dog, Shiner. He likes jogging. He likes the dog park. He just doesn’t like other dogs. Just like me, he is not normal.

I have not been to the dog park in a long time – primarily because Shiner hates other dogs. They have added dirt trails that wind through heavy trees. This allows for lots of shade during the day and a wonderful playground for lightening bugs at night.

I love lightening bugs. They seem to make the early evening magical. They remind me of when I was a little girl. We would play outside until dark, capturing the lightening bugs and putting them in a jar with grass. I don’t know why we put grass in the jar, but we did. It was as if I captured part of the magic and put it in a jar for later use. My brother, not loving the bugs as much as me, would squish the bugs and rub the glowing part on his face. He would then sneak up and scare me – looking like some evil Indian. I would scream, he would get in trouble. Always a good time.

I loved playing outside at night – Ghost in the Graveyard, Tag, Spin the Bottle, Kick the Can…you name it, we played it. As I was watching the lightening bugs last night while running, I began thinking about those games that we played when we were little. It is funny how I don’t remember being cold, or getting eaten by mosquitoes, or being hungry or bored. I only remember LOVING every minute of it and being sad when I had to go inside. We need more fun like that as adults. We need to have times when the daily problems don’t matter, when you don’t notice the mosquitoes biting. We need to have more fun.

Anyone for a game of Ghost in the Graveyard?

Got Happy?

I am a mess. Not a happy mess either. Lately, I have been on a search for ANYTHING that makes me happy in hopes of clinging to those things and spending more time happy and less time miserable. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well, its not.

Things that make me happy:

  • My girls' smiles
  • Kittens that purr when you pet them
  • Feeling like I have a purpose
  • Hearing the words "I love you"
  • Billions of stars in the sky at night
  • Sunsets that turn the whole sky different colors
  • Palm trees
  • Mountains
  • The beach
  • Up beat music that I can run to
  • Running when it is raining
  • Special made mix CD's with my favorite songs
  • Unplugged guitar and piano music
  • Lightening bugs
  • Meetings that end early
  • Vacation


Another Day

I am faced daily with so many decisions, so many issues, so much to think about. I do it to myself though - lead myself to these types of days. I don't know why.

Recently my husband and I were talking - or rather he was talking and pointing out that I don't talk. Ever. At least not about anything important. And, I agree. I am sometimes able to scramble through decisions, but I don't talk about them. I just have all these feelings inside and don't know how to turn them into words. Why is that?

Why is it so difficult for me to say things that I am feeling? I internalize everything until I get sick or can't take anymore. Is this how most people handle pressure? Am I broken?

I, of course, am directed to what is causing all of this stress, pressure, unhappiness - and there are a million things and yet not very many all at the same time. I have a horrible job. It is difficult and there is barely any way to succeed at it. It takes a lot of time - more than I have - and is a constant nagging in my ear.

I have a lot of guilt for past decisions and am constantly thinking about how I ended up with so little time with my girls. I look at them and feel so much love for them, and can't bare to see them leave when they go back to their dad's house. I feel like I am missing so much of their lives...like I have already missed so much. I cry just thinking about them. That can't be normal.

I have such high expectations for marriage, and yet appear to give so little to make mine good. I don't understand what is happening to me and why this is all so hard lately. I feel like I can handle anything most of the time - but lately nothing seems easy. He is my friend - one of my only friends. This makes it hard to handle things about our relationship that are causing me concern or that make me feel funny. I just feel like I have left myself without someone to talk to...

I spend so much time trying to make other people happy, worrying about how I am affecting them, what my decisions do to other people, that I don't think about what makes me happy - and that makes me sad.


I'm Dead - Time to Turn Off the Lights

I recently read a story about a boy that was on life support and at the exact time his mother had the life support machines turned off, he began breathing on his own and woke up. This sparked thoughts about what I would want done if I were critically ill. My husband and I have a living will. We signed papers that say that the surviving partner can make the decision if we should live or die. Wow - I guess the burden of that decision didn't really sink in at that time...but now we both have the obligation to decide if the other should live or die given the right circumstances. Doesn't that creep you out a little bit? How do you make that kind of decision? What if that boy's parents had decided to turn off the machines a day earlier - and he had not lived? What if, what if, what if...

I read a definition from someone - no idea who anymore - where they stated something that I liked very much. The discussion was on how long to leave a person on life support before making the decision to turn it off. It went something like this:

If ever in that position, the healthy spouse needs to stay with the one in a coma, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When the healthy one is tired of sitting there, they can assume the coma spouse is tired of sitting there, too, and it's time to pull the plug.

What do you think? I kind of like that idea. Sit with me until you are tired. When you are done, I am done and let me go. Very simple, very nice. No guilt - all very easy and tidy...or is it?


I Am

I am,
a little girl inside a grown-up body

I am,
a mother
a daughter
a sister
a wife

I am,

I am,

I am,

I am,

I am,
all of these things
none of these things

Pencil and Paper

I am sorta into drawing - a recent hobby that I find relaxing. This is my latest picture, although it is not completed...I still have more work to do on the landscape and some of the shading. Overall though, it is my best one yet.

I think I like drawing because, like reading, you can get lost in the picture. I don't have to think about anything important when I am drawing. I can erase parts when I make a mistake. I can throw it away and start over if I really don't like what I have done.


I need a place where I can go...

I need a place where I can go
Where I can whisper what I know...
Where I can make my plans
And write them down
So I can read them

A place where I can bid my heart be still
And it will mind me
A place where I can go when I am lost
And there I'll find me

I need a place to spend the day
Where no one says to go or stay
Where I can take my pen and draw the girlI mean to be.

The Secret Garden
by Marsha Norman


Stupid Questions...and Equally Stupid Answers

What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
* Red Hot - a CD set I bought while drunk in the Virgin Islands from a television add. And - The reason I HAD TO HAVE IT: Seasons in the Sun. Heh.

What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
* Pizza...if there is any in there. Which there NEVER is. Oh Pizza...I love you so.

What is your secret guaranteed crying movie?
* You've Got Mail. The scene where Meg Ryan is talking about how she misses her mother so much that she can hardly breathe. I have been there. It makes me sad to think about it.

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
* Skin resurfacing

Do you have a completely irrational fear?
* I think all fears are irrational. I am afraid of bugs - which makes no sense. I am also afraid of making mistakes. Funny - doesn't stop me from making them!

What’s the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
* Silence - when faced with a difficult situation or question. I totally clam up and won't talk.

Are you a pyromanicac?
* Well - there was that car, and the first house, and those bugs, and .... yeah - right. OF COURSE NOT!

Do you have too many love interests?
* No

Do you know anyone famous?
* I have met a few stars, but don't really KNOW anyone famous. I don't hang out with the stars if that is what this question is getting at.

Describe your bed.
* The one I sleep in, or the "one I made so now I have to sleep in it"? They are two VERY different things! I sleep in a standard, normal bed. The other answer is way stranger.

Spontaneous or plan?
* A little of both...depends on the day of the week.

Who should play you in a movie about your life?
* If I am to choose a look-alike it is either Sandra Bullock or Laura SanGiacomo.

Do you know how to play poker?
* I could play, but I wouldn't win unless I was playing with 5 year olds.

What do you carry with you at all times?
* Attitude. Memories. Guilt.

What do you miss most about being little?
* My mom

Are you happy with your given name?
* I used to hate it because it is so unusual. Now I like it.

How much money would it take for you to give up the Internet for a year?
* None.

What color is your bedroom?
* Something boring and uninteresting. I am not sure why it matters...they are walls.

What was the last song you were listening to?
* This is embarrasing. Bloodhound Gang - The Lapdance is Always Better if the Stripper is Crying. Shush if you have not heard it - it is damn FUNNY!

Have you ever been in love?
* Why yes, yes I have.

Do you talk a lot?
* Not about the important things.

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
* I do believe in myself - however sometimes I let myself down.

Do transient, homeless or starving people sometimes annoy you?
* They never annoy me, but I feel bad for them - I feel bad for stray animals. I am secretly very compassionate.

Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
* Not as often as I should be

Do you spend more time with your husband, or your friends?
* Shouldn't my husband be my friend? Why should I have to choose?

What’s your ideal wedding location?
* I was married in a boat on Lake Travis...I loved that. Either a boat or a beach are ideal for me.

Which musical instrument do you play?
* I can plan the Piano, Clarinet, Oboe, Bassoon...some guitar.

Favorite fabric?
* Egyptian Cotton.

What kind of bedding do you use?
* Sheets, blankets - lots of blankets. The usual. What a stupid question.

Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
* Interesting question. Sometimes.

What’s the one language you want to learn?
* Spanish, Russian, Japanese. I know I was asked for one - but I want to learn lots of languages.

How do you eat an apple?
* Again - stupid question... I pick it up and eat it. Duh.

What do you order at a bar?
* Beer = Guiness, Mixed Drink = Margarita, Wine = Chianti

Have you ever pierced a body part?
* Yes. :)

Do you have tattoos?
* No. I don't think I would like it more than a week...and then what would I do with it?

Would you admit to plastic surgery of any kind of confronted?
* Yes. I have had it and am very open about it.

What’s one of the funniest things you’ve ever done?
* Tried to climb inside a pizza vendor's truck and assault him one night years ago when I was drink. Why? Because he had NO pepperoni. Yeah...

Do you drive a stick?
* One of our cars is, and yes I can drive it.

What’s the one trait you hate in a person?
* conceit

What kind of watch do you wear?
* Tag dive watch. No, I don't dive. But someday I might, and then - I will have a watch to dive with!

Most frivolous purchase?
* Thomas Pink Egyptian cotton shirts....oh baby they are nice.

What do you cook the best?
* Asparagus wrapped in Proscuitto, Stuffed Artichokes, Salsa, Chicken Enchiladas.

Favorite writing instrument?
* Black pen - NEVER BLUE.

Do you prefer to stand out, or blend in?
* Situation is important here. I like to blend in until I feel it is the best time to stand out.

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
* I can't see a reason to do this, unless we are talking Halloween costumes - then sign me up!

What’s one car you will never buy?
That freaked out Element, or the newer Mercedes Paddy-Wagon looking thing. Ewwww. I love my H2 gas hog.

What kinds of books do you like to read?
* Anything I can get my hands on.

If you won the lottery, what would you do?
* Buy a cabin in the woods and about 30 acres of horse property in Arizona.

Burial, or cremation?
* I am not sure it matters... Which is cheaper?

How many online journals do you read regularly?
* More than I should.

Do you have a problem changing clothes in front of friends?
I would change in front of strangers...I really don't care. Silly question.